Scars

Summary: Ever wondered what Jon was thinking Alanna's 17th birthday after she had ran? Songfic- "Scars" by Papa Roach- I love that song! R&R plz! Constructive criticism would be gr8!

Disclaimer: I don't own Alanna (sob), Jon, Delia (thank god!) or Scars (sob). If I did, I'd be rolling around in cash… still, I can dream can't I?

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

It had been a few moments since Alanna had fled, yet the prince was still in the same position that he'd been in when the girl had run.
'Well, I always knew it would come to this. I guess I could have been more tactful' he reflected on what he had said. Then winced. Now he realised that maybe the line that he'd used on so many other women before had not been the smartest move- the pregnancy charm had only made matters worse.

Frantically, he tried to defend himself against the effects of his disobedient mouth.
'I hadn't known that she'd wear a dress- I had the right to be startled, and the gods know that when I'm startled I act foolishly.' After all, it wasn't everyday that a knight- master saw his squire roaming the palace in a dress… unless it was the result of a dare or maybe the loss of a bet.

'Mithros, did she look beautiful though!' He remembered the first time that he'd seen her in a dress at Mistress Cooper's house. His eyes went oddly blank and his other facial features indicated utter bliss.
He sighed. Here he was swooning at a girl who clearly wasn't interested. That had never been the case before and frankly Jon didn't want to deal with it! Usually, it was the court ladies swooning over him not the other way around!
'I could have any of them!' he thought defiantly.

But why did it hurt him so? The fact that his affections were not returned had stung a little. Or a lot.
Was it his pride that was wounded? He wondered as he rose and began to make his way towards the ball.
'No.' He decided, but his heart felt as though it had been torn from his chest and shredded into tiny pieces.

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home?

Jonathan had almost reached the doors leading to one of the ballrooms that was being used more often recently, when he came to a halt and grimaced. Just before he had managed to escape to the balcony, he'd been in the grasps of the green eyed flirt, Delia of Eldorne. About a week ago, Jon himself felt just as his cousin Gary did- that Delia was God given, her beauty was immeasurable… but recently, in his spare time or even whilst dancing with Delia, the princes thoughts would stray towards a certain purple eyed, red haired girl. Only a day ago had his father been slightly disturbed to find a picture (drawn by Jon himself) of his squire wearing a dress.

He certainly DIDN'T want to go back to the ball. There, Delia would corner him. She would ask him for several dances- the last thing he wanted to do at that point in time. He wouldn't even be able to refuse! (The Code of Chivalry was especially strict about such things.) Whilst dancing with the lady, he'd daydream about his squire; another thing that he didn't particularly take a liking to at that instance. It was better to evade the situation entirely.

'But then again' he thought, 'If Delia of Eldorne had stayed in Eldorne, the situation wouldn't exist for it to be avoided!'

Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is
(Chorus)

But what was Alanna so afraid of?
"Me!"
When Jon had reached for Alanna's lacings, she'd been trembling.
'She's never trembled before!'

Not when Ralon of Malven was beating her,

Not when she and Jon fought the Yslandir,

Not when she fought the rude Tusaine knight, Dane,

Not when she'd rode into war at the River Drell,

Not even when the giant Wolf, Demon Grey, attacked her!

Why was she scared of him now? She'd never feared him before now, but tonight, she had been petrified! No, it couldn't be Jonathan that was scaring her so! It was his actions, words, and reactions. But there wasn't a great deal that he could do about it. Usually, the way to be rid of a fear was to confront it and it seemed obvious that she wasn't prepared for that.

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice

A month or so just gone, about three bells after midnight, Prince Jonathan had been awoken by the sound of muffled screams. He had lurched out of bed to discover the source of the yells, only to learn that they were coming through the door connecting to his squire's quarters. He wrestled with himself for 3 minutes or so.

He and Alanna had agreed shortly after Jon had taken her as his squire, that even if she was shouting her head off as a result of a nightmare, he was not to burst through the connecting door after hours. He had been certain that those conditions came into that category.
Another wail of despair decided him.

I saw you going down
But you never realised
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
(Chorus)

Alanna had been entwined into her bed sheets, red hair tousled, her face in her pillow. Jon crept over, trying not to knock anything over. Well, he didn't knock anything over… he did, however, trip over a stray boot. Biting his lip to ensure that no sound was emitted from him, Jon almost fell on top of the sleeping Alanna. When he had managed to prise himself away from the bed, he gently turned her onto her back. Her features had echoed terror- Jon could remember every detail of her fearful face. She snuggled towards the prince's hand, her face peaceful. Content, Jon removed his hand. He had almost reached the door when he heard a gasp behind him. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw the bed sheets engulf his shivering friend. He strode over again, pulling the sheets down to her shoulders. He placed two fingers on Alanna's forehead- it was clammy. They both glowed sapphire for a moment or so. Alanna's shuddering ceased. Jon crept out of the room, only to nearly step on Faithful. He looked at Jon suspiciously, until he whispered "Nightmare." The cat had given him a nod and slipped into the squire's room.

Now, Jon had to wonder, could cats even look at people suspiciously?

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

Instead of walking past the ballroom to get to his chambers, he took one of the little known detours. Better not to risk being seen whilst trying to sneak away- it would cause more trouble than it was worth! Jon scuffed his foot against the wall, deep in thought. 'If she hadn't come here to be a knight in the first place, none of this would be happening! It's not like this would happen if Thom had come here at the palace! In fact, if what Alanna says about his aim and skill with weapons (or lack thereof) is true, Thom certainly wouldn't be my squire! Yes... things would be very different had the twins stayed in their places.'

What hurt him most was that he had been serious! He thumped the wall that he was passing by; startling a couple that sprang apart at the sudden noise. Seeing the heir to the throne, the two bowed deep, a tinge of pink colouring their cheeks. They wandered away to find a more private niche leaving Jon to scowl at their backs. What had he been thinking when he had said those things to her? Most would not see how grave a mistake this could have been! Although, he had to admit, it wasn't often that a knight confessed such things to his squire.

He had a feeling that one reason that what he had said was not received as well as he would've hoped; was that being the prince, the only heir to the throne, he had courted many ladies. He thought that maybe Alanna suspected that he had said those words to plenty of women before her. She was right to be suspicious, as Jon had used words to that effect before… Only; this time- the one time that he had really, truly meant it- he did not succeed. Why? Why didn't she understand? This time he was for real!

His only other concern was that if Alanna did understand, but didn't respond due to her fear. Jon would definitely have to do something about this fear of hers.

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
(Chorus x2)

'Well, there isn't really anything that I can do' he thought, turning into the corridor leading to his chambers. 'I mean, I told her how I feel… It's up to her now…'
All he could do now was wait and see. He would have to continue with his daily routine- give Alanna space.

He opened his door as quietly as he could so that he didn't make any noise that may travel through the connecting door. He fumbled with his nightclothes trying to keep himself from breaking down- rejection was a new emotion for the prince. He was just about to clamber into his bed when there was a soft rap on the connecting door.
"Jon?"
Warily, he opened the door. He didn't know that his eyes were bright as he looked over the girl. Alanna swallowed.
"I'm scared. Help me, please."
Jonathan's voice was rough as he said, "I'm scared, too. At least we can be scared together."

A/N Well, here is my firstproper fic! YEY! I'm not a huge Alanna/Jon fan but I thought of this whilst listening to "Scars" and reading ITHOTG for the millionth time! Please be nice- R&R, constructive criticism would be great! (Have I said that allready?)