This is what happens when you're up at six in the morning and just can't sleep.
It's just a dabble, nothing serious.
Mind over matter
There's something about her that I just can't seem to get out of my head.
Every time I close my eyes I see her.
I want to cry, to scream at the top of my lunges, Instead I just sit there. All day, every day, I got through the same motion.
The hard part is waking up. To realise that I'm still here, that this is still my life. The rest of the day I'm not even there.
No one seems the wiser. I go to class, I chat with my friends and I watch them practice. I've become quite good at reacting in the right moment, nodding when I'm supposed to, cheering when they score a goal that I don't even notice.
The best part about being Head Girl is that I'm pretty much free to do what I like and go where I want.
So when I walked out into the rain in the middle of the night, none of them knew.
Somehow the cold rain, drenching every inch of my clothing seems to fit with the dull ache in my chest. The sight of the pouring rain hitting the surface of the lake must be beautiful, but I don't se it. The ache in my chest seems to render me both numb and blind.
I notice that my body shivers as the water sinks through my robes and shills my skin. I assume it's cold and that is why my body shivers. I wouldn't know. My mind and my body separated a while ago and I really don't know what it's doing anymore.
It's not that I really care. It's not like it matters, it's just an observation.
Just like I observe the fact that my body has decided to lie down on the wet grass. I don't argue. I don't care. I think the straws sting my cheek as it rests on the lawn, but I'm not sure.
I want to cry. I want to scream at the top of my lunges.
Instead I lay there.
The rain is almost like tears, right?
For a moment I wonder if my body would react to the lake. It must be cold at this time of year. But I'm too tired to find out. For some reason my eyes are closing and I fall asleep, hearing instead of feeling, the rain drops hitting my face.
The light makes me uncomfortable. It turns the dull ache into reality.
Why has the rain stopped?
As I open my eyes to find out, I realise that I'm not outside by the lake anymore. Briefly I wonder if it matters that I can't distinguish the feel of a lawn from the hospital bed I'm in.
I decide it doesn't matter. I must be in the hospital wing. Everything is white and the light is hurting my eyes.
Someone is talking to me. The nurse. Madame Pomfry. I suppose I should nod, so I do. She looks worried, so I drink the potion she gives me. I wonder what it tastes like, but my mind doesn't register anything when I empty the bottle in one sip.
I think she's still talking, but I'm not sure. Instead I wonder how she manages to keep the bed linen so white. I guess that really doesn't matter, so I lay down again.
I don't know when she left my side. I though for a moment if I should ask her to make he something to remove the dull ache in my chest, but when I turned she was gone.
There are cards and candy on the nightstand. I look at them for a moment and wonder if the words on the front of them should have any meaning to me.
There are voices at the door. Angry voices. I don't think I would have cared or even noticed if one of these voices hadn't cut through my chest like a dagger.
Well, what do you know? Something my body feels is registered.
"I swear, if you do not let me in Poppy…!" It's the dagger voice.
Then there are the steps. The ones that make that dull ache in my chest claw the inside of my heart.
And everything turns green.
It's interesting how my whole world changes colour as she steps into it. I'm lost in her eyes and there is nothing but green. Sweet, beautiful, pain striking, emerald green.
"How are you feeling Ms. Granger? You gave us quite a startle." There is concern in the green. She's speaking to me. I should answer.
"I'm sorry professor." I wonder if that's what she wants to hear.
Suddenly, every inch of my body is in a state of panic. It wants to run away, it wants to hide. It wants to protect itself. I don't move.
I let her sit on the edge of my bed and I ignore the screams of panic from the piercing pain in my chest. The screams that are begging me to leave. To run away before the pain grows deeper.
I shut of the screams. I shut them down like I shut everything else down.
The only thing left is the feeling in my chest which is usually a dull ache. When she's in sight it turns into this piercing pain. And this is all I can feel at this moment. This is all I se. Only the piercing pain in my chest, and the green.
She's talking to me. She looks worried.
I should say something. Explain what I was doing out in the rain.
"Ms. Granger?" The green is fading. I realise that I've closed my eyes, so I open them again.
Should I say something?
I wonder what makes birds fly sometimes. That's not relevant I realise. But then again, I don't know if there is anything that's relevant.
The green is hurting me, but I need it. I need it more than anything. I'm somewhat aware that my body is fighting me that it wants away from the green. But I'm also aware that it has no saying in the matter.
There's a hand on my shoulder.
"Ms. Granger!" I look up to the source of the green. Did she say something?
"Yes?" I conclude that she must have been calling me.
My body is screaming. The heat from the hand on my shoulder is hurting it. I don't care.
The green is worried now. I recognise the emotion. I think I've seen it in my friends these past months.
I should really say something.
I want to cry. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want her to know what she's doing to me. I want the pain to stop and I want to tell her why it's there.
I just lie there. My body doesn't care what I want.
"Can you get me something for the pain in my chest Professor McGonagall?"