Shri: Hello. This is going to be a very special fan fiction because for the first time, may I introduce the man who will help me write this one shot, my own stupid brother, Buttsy-Boy.
Buttsy: I always liked the Girly Man and the Stupid Auzie. I wonder if the Italian Boy, Raphael, is really Italian.
Shri: Can we please just introduce the story?
Buttsy: Yeah, whatever.
Shri: This story is going to be about a particularly odd pair, Valon, who Buttsy refers to as the Stupid Auzie, and Alister, who he refers to as the Girly Man, or Alice-
Alister: NOT A GIRL!
Buttsy: Aw, shut up Girly Man!
Shri: BUTTSY! Stop being mean to the characters!
Shri: And everyone thinks I'm the insane one. Anyway, what happens when those two switch roles on who destroys who for a day? Insanity…
Buttsy: Before we start the story, I LOVE YOU GIRLY MAN!
Shri: I can already feel this story falling apart, piece by bloody piece. Anyway, here we go, Role Switch.
It was a dark and gloomy day at the EVIL LAIR (trade mark), where the Stupid Auzie, Valon, and the Girly Man, Alice-uh, Alister, all lived with their-cough-family, which included a not-quite-Italian-but-who-knows Raphael, and Mai, the hot female chick who Valon, and Joey now that you mention it, and quite a few random people she passes on the street, has a crush on. On that particular day, Valon was stupider than usual.
"And now, we return you to NC-30 (No Idiots under 30 admitted) theater," said the TV, which Valon was happily watching, drooling slightly. Valon learned a lot of new words (bad words actually), such as CENSORED, BEEP, and #($.
"Whoa…" Valon said, after hearing a very naughty word indeed.
"Hey, can I kill you?" asked a person on TV.
"Sure!" said another person, who was instantly bloodily murdered by the first person with a soft down pillow.
"THAT'S SO AWESOME!" said Valon, whose eyes were as big as two beach volley balls.
"Are you being stupid again?" asked Mai, who happened to pass by the scene.
"Huh?" asked Valon stupidly.
"I'm going to hit you now," said Mai, walking over to him and slapping him on the back of the head.
She digs me Valon thought.
Meanwhile, Alice, I mean, Alister, was busily making plans to kill Kaiba, and take over Kaiba Corp.
"Okay, so when I set the chickens free, the man in a lobster costume comes over with a huge chainsaw and…CHOPS DOWN A TREE? Wait, OKAY, WHO'S BEEN MESSING WITH MY EVIL PLANS AGAIN?"
"Uh…" Valon said stupidly, hiding the pen under his butt in the couch cushions.
"VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL-LOOOOOOOOOOON!" screamed Alister at the top of her, HIS lungs. "These are important! How would you like it if I messed around with YOUR Joey Wheeler voodoo dolls?"
"I was planning to put the pink dress on him!" said Valon. "You can't take them away from me!"
"Is this Dartz drawn in the lobster suit?" asked Alister, looking at his messed up plans.
"No it isn't?" lied Valon.
"THAT'S IT!" screamed Alister. "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! How can I kill off a guy with a multi-million dollar company WITH YOU BUGGING ME EVERY OTHER MILI-SECOND?"
"Huh?" said Valon.
"Fine!" said Alister. "If you think this is so easy stupid boy, why don't you try to take over it?"
Valon had to think for a while…well, he's kind of stupid, so it may take a little more than 'a while'. That's when Raffy came in.
"Did you try to flush my guardian cards down the toilet?" asked Raffy. "IT'S BEEN THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK!"
"THAT'S IT!" screamed Valon, finally thinking up an idea. How? Most mortal minds could not figure this one out. I sure can't. Anyway, Valon rushed to the phone, pulled out the phone book, found a number, and dialed it.
"Hello, welcome to Chubby's Pizza Palace, how may I help you?" asked the voice who picked up the phone.
"I'll ask you one more time, Stupid Auzie, DID YOU FLUSH MY GUARDIAN CARDS DOWN THE TOILET?" yelled Raffy.
"I'd like to order a cheese and…uh…MUSTARD AND SKITTLES PIZZA! With extra dead stuff!" said Valon, thinking this would help him think of a good plan.
"Your order will be here in five seconds," said the phone, and before Valon could say anything else, the doorbell rang.
"I'LL GET IT!" screamed Valon, running to the door, opening it, grabbing the pizza, slaming it in the delivery person's face, and running back inside.
"WHAT WAS THAT FOR!" screamed Alister.
"Huh?" answered the Stupid Auzie.
"I can't believe you're so stupid you don't even know how to call a stupid pizza place and actually pick up the pizza!" said Alister.
"Dude, do I still get a tip?" asked the Pizza Guy outside.
"NO!" screamed Valon.
"You are so pathetic, do you know that?" said Alister. "YOU CAN'T EVEN KILL OFF JOEY WHEELER, WHO'S THE ONE PERSON ON THE PLANET WHO'S AS STUPID AS YOU!"
"Yeah, well you can't kill off Kaiba, stupid Girly Man!" said Valon.
"You think you could do it any better?" asked Alister. "FINE! How about this? I'll try to kill off Wheeler, and YOU try to kill off Kaiba! I bet I'll be dragging back his soul, all you'll come home without your pants again!"
"Did you say something?" said Valon.
"I'll bet you five bucks you can't do it," said Alister.
"MAKE IT TWENTY-FOUR!" screamed Valon.
"Fine! I can take down anyone as stupid as you!" said Alister.
"Uh…and I can take any man who wears a dress!" said Valon.
"TRENCH COAT! TRENCH COAT! JEEZ!" said Alister, walking out the door, leaving Mai and Raffy sitting alone in the living room as Valon went off to the phone.
"How much do you want to bet they'll both come home crying?" asked Mai.
"Five bucks," said Raphael.
"Deal," said Mai, as they both shook hands.
And so the madness begins.
"Hello?" asked Valon into the phone. "Operator? Get me Kaiba Corp please."
"Why should I?" asked the Operator.
"Cause…it's your job…" said Valon.
"I don't feel like it," said the Operator.
"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese?" asked Valon.
"Whatever," said the Operator.
"Hello!" said an automatic voice. "You have reached Kaiba Corp's Automated Telephone Service! One of our secretaries has died, so if you have any questions, come straight down to our company. One of our secretaries who is alive will answer all of your questions! I'M A MONKEY!"
"Uh…" said Valon. "OKAY!"
Meanwhile, with the Girly Man, Alister was trying to figure out where Joey lived. It was kinda hard, because when he picked up the phone book from his house, he found that Valon had dripped chocolate over the whole page where his address was supposed to be on. So he decided to go to the school and ask.
"Excuse me sir," said Alister, finding himself in the main office of the school, "I wish to have the address of one of your students."
"I'm sorry, we don't give addresses to random girly men who come along," said the school secretary. "However, if you can beat this kick-butt ninja in 3-D Pinball, we'll let you have it."
"Uh…" said Alister, looking at the tall, scary looking black ninja who came out of the shadows right in front of him, striking a really cool pose.
FOUR SECONDS LATER
"OH YEAH! WHO DA MAN?" said Alister, cheering over one of the schools computers, as the ninja bowed down, admitting defeat.
"Your pin ball is best…" said the ninja.
"Wow…that was random," said the secretary.
Meanwhile, Valon was heading off to Kaiba Corp. Since he destroyed Dartz's car last week, he could only walk there. However, he needed to stop for directions. So, he came across a street in Domino called 'Little Germany', to find a bunch of people walking all around. Not being able to speak German, Valon tried to communicate with them by using words and hand gestures.
"Hell-loooooo," said Valon in a slow, loud voice to a couple who was walking down the road. "Meeeee VAAAAAAAAAAAAAALOOOOOOON," he pointed to himself. "I COME FROM AUUUUUUUUUUSTRAAAAAAAAAAALIAAAAAAAA," said Valon, making rude noises with his armpits. "WE SPEAK EEEEEEEEEEEENGLIIIIISH," he said, shaking his butt. "I AM A STUUUUUPPID AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE," picking his nose. "DO…YOU…SPEAK…EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENGLISH?" he asked, while rubbing his tummy and patting his head at the same time.
The people just looked at him.
"Why is he talking like a moron?" asked the man.
"I don't know," asked the woman. "I think he's a loony."
"YOU SPEAK EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENGLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISH?" asked Valon.
"YEEES, YOU STUPID AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUZZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE," said the man, patting his head and rubbing his tummy at the same time. "YOU ARE ACTIIIIIING STUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPID," he turned up his nose so that he looked like a pig. "WEEEEEEEEEE CAN SPEEEEEEEEEEK YOUR LANGUAGE, STUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPID."
"Huh?" asked Valon.
"Okay…Wheeler's house…I should take the next bus," said Alister, outside of the bus stop. Just then, the bus pulled up front of Alister, and the door opened up to let him in.
"Thanks," said Alister, walking in and putting change into the bus box. "I want to go to…Kazumi…Drive…"
"DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH?" screamed a bunch of people on the bus, wearing what looked liked bikinis, inner tubes, tutus, flippers, and Oxford ties. They were all banging each other on the head with a frying pan, which each one of them had, and were all wearing stupid looking glasses which gave them huge noses.
"WHAT THE HECK IS THIS? THE IDIOT CONVENTION?" asked Alister in horror.
"Actually, yes," said the bus driver. "There's a big one down at the Domino Convention Center."
"I have to sit on a bus…with IDIOTS?" asked Alister in horror.
"Be thankful," said the bus driver. "Last week it was the 'Butt Fanatic' Convention…"
Alister took a seat as far away from the idiots as possible. However, due to the fact that they all started singing 'Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots' (part one) by Flaming Lips, they were hopping around, tearing off their inner tubes and hitting each other with them, some even hopping into Alister's front seat, and bashing him on the head with either the inner tube of the frying pan (he always hoped for the inner tube), sometimes planting big, wet kisses on his cheek.
I wonder what the Stupid Auzie is doing …thought Alister, as he received on particularly large kiss by an idiot dressed in a dog suit…
At last, Valon found himself outside of Kaiba Corp, the extremely tall, extremely shiny building, with the weird thingit at the top. Valon started to drool. It was really shiney…
But however, Valon faced the hardest challenge on his great quest to get twenty four dollars yet…THE DOOR!
"UHHHHHHHH GOTTA PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH!" screamed Valon, who was, of course, pushing a door that was saying 'pull'. Unfortunately, since Valon couldn't read, he continued in vain to push open the door. That's when someone from the other side pushed open the door, throwing Valon to the ground and walking right on top of his body. However, it gave him just enough time to run through.
"Kaiba Corp, please hold, Kaiba Corp, please hold, he said what? No way…sweet! Can I have a gum ball too? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE TURNED INTO A LUMP MONKEY?" said the receptionist, as Valon walked up to her. However, since she was so strikingly beautiful, the Stupid Auzie started to drool profusely on her desk and stare at her with huge hearts for eyes.
"Can I help you?" she asked.
"Mahguhbuahblahdubah…" said Valon. "I love you…"
"I'm married," said the Secretary.
"I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!" screamed Valon.
"I don't even know you," said the Secretary.
"Oh yeah…" said Valon. "CAN WE GET MARRIED ANYWAY?"
"You are really stupid, aren't you?" she asked.
"Can I see Kaiba please?" said Valon.
"You don't love him, right?" she asked.
"…no…" said Valon.
"Good," said the receptionist. "He's right over that huge cliff. Just walk off it."
"SWEET!" screamed Valon, charging toward the conveniently placed cliff, falling off it.
"Sucker," said the receptionist.
After many slimy kisses, as well as some very bad renditions of 'Celebrity' by The Barenaked Ladies, Alister, humiliated and covered in drool, walked off the bus right in front of Joey's house. This was it. The place where he would cause…CHAOS! DOOM! BLOOD! DEVASTATION! HORROR! AIR IN YOUR DERRIERE! AND SO MUCH MORE!
"Oh crud, I forgot my wallet on the bus with the idiots!" said Alister. "What am I going to do?"
MEANWHILE, ON THE BUS
The idiots saw Alister's wallet lying on his seat. They all stared stupidly at it for a while. There was absolute silence.
"I NEED TO GO POTTY!" screamed on of them.
So they all tried to get out of a speeding bus to get to the restrooms. They managed to pry open the window, and as they did, the wallet flew out, and got caught by a bird, which dropped it on Alister's head.
"Wow…that was weird…" said Alister, as an idiot landed on his head next, squishing him.
Valon, unfortunately, didn't die, so he then attempted a sneaky feat. He tied toilet plungers to his feet, and he tried to walk up the super shiny building up to Kaiba's room. It was a very long walk, because it was on the top floor, and Valon just remembered that he was scared of heights. So Valon was crying like a baby as he walked up.
"I'm so scarred!" he said. "I WANNA PEE IN MY PANTS! GOT TO HOOOOOLD IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! Wait, I CAN'T DO IT!"
Due to some freakish miracle, Valon somehow managed to hold it, and finally managed to make it to the top floor, dangling about two hundred feet in the air.
"No, for the last time, I do NOT want the new prototype colored pink!" said Kaiba on the phone, as Valon just made it up to the outside of his window. "JEEZ! What are you people thinking?"
"I'VE COME TO STEAL YOUR SOUL!" said Valon.
"Hang on," said Kaiba, putting the phone down for a minute, picking up the aluminum baseball bat he always kept in his desk, opening the window next to Valon, and clocking on the head, sending him spiraling down at ten thousand miles per hour straight into the concrete sidewalk, Valon screaming like a girl all the way down.
"That tickles…" said Valon, in a huge, Valon shaped crater in the sidewalk.
"Okay, easy Alister," said Alister to himself, knocking on Joey's door. There was an awkward shuffling from indoors, followed by an 'alright, the pizza guys here!', and then the door flew open to reveal Joey Wheeler, eagerly drooling at the thought of pizza.
"Hello, I'm Alister, and I'm here to steal your soul," said Alister.
"SWEET! Can I have my pizza now?" asked Joey.
"No. I'm here to steal your soul," said Alister.
"Hang on, let me find the money…oh, dose quarters gotta be in here somewhere," said Joey, fishing through his pockets, and pulling out balls of lint, pieces of ABC bubble gum, bills on the apartment, all that jazz, until at last, with a big smile, he pulled out a dirty penny, and gave it to Alister.
"KEEP THE CHANGE!" he said happily, slamming the door in Alister's face.
"I WANT TO STEAL YOUR SOUL YOU IDIOT!" screamed Alister, pounding on the door. "This guy makes Valon look like a Harvard Professor…"
However, that gave Alice, ALISTER, an idea.
A COUPLE SECONDS LATER
"I'LL GET IT!" Joey screamed to no one in particular, opening the door. There, he saw Alister wearing a star shaped-blonde banged, black-and-purple wig, as well as a fake Millenium Puzzle, and that freaky outfit Yugi always wears.
"Hi Joey!" he said, trying to produce a squeaky voice.
"YUGI! YOU GOT TALL!" said Joey happily, unknowing that the real Yugi was tied up and gagged in a garbage can, only in his underwear, trying to scream for help.
"Uh…yeah," said Alister. "Can I come in and steal your soul, I MEAN, uh…knit stuff?"
"OKAY!" Joey said, pulling Alister inside.
Valon needed to think of an idea fast. He was currently sitting in the crater, trying to think again. It wasn't working. All he could think about was ice cream and if Mai had a crush on him. It was sad. Really sad.
That's when the idea fairy came out of nowhere and banged Valon on the head with the idea mallet.
"THAT'S IT!" said Valon. "What if I disguise myself as a really important rich person, come in, and say I want to sponsor the company? IT'S BRILLIANT! Kaiba will have to let me in. But what rich person can I disguise myself as?"
"You're kidding…no way, did he?" asked the female receptionist again. "That's hot. I really should tell, WHAT THE HECK?"
Valon walked in, wearing a clown suit, honking his fake nose, wearing huge shoes, goofy pants, and polka dots.
"Hi!" said Valon. "I'm Bonkers, President and CEO of, um, CLOWNYCORP! THE BIGGEST CLOWN-BASED INDUSTRY IN…FLORIDA! May I see Kaiba please?"
"Oh, good! You're finally here!" said the receptionist. "Come right this way! You're a bit early though…"
"Early? Uh, YEAH!" said Valon. "Can I go in now?"
"Sure, head right down to the elevator!" said the receptionist.
"OH YEAH! LICK YOURSELF! LICK YOURSELF! LICK YOOOOOOURESELFF!" said Joey, playing his PS2 game, 'Catz 2k' with Alister, who was still impersonating Yugi, as his cat was picking up major bonus points by licking itself.
"Uh, Joey," said Alister. "Can I please…steal your soul?"
"OKAY!" said Joey, as his cat got blown up by a hand grenade on the game. "BUT FIRST, LET'S SEE WHO CAN EAT THE MOST COOKIES BEFORE THEY PASS OUT! LAST TIME YOU WON, BUT THIS TIME, I SHALL WIN!"
"Uh…" said Alister, knowing that he was already disadvantaged. He had a petite, girly stomach after all.
"Alright, last week it was Oreos, but this week, I GOT CHOCOLATE CHIP!" said Joey, pulling out the cookie jar. "Each jar is full of exactly two hundred cookies! The one who eats the most before passing out wins!"
"Um…can't we just play Yahtzee or something?" asked Alister.
"NO!" said Joey, starting to stuff his face with cookies, sending little particles of cookies spewing all over the room, making it a mess, and getting crumbs all over his face. It was a disgusting sight to see. Alister already felt ready to throw up. He carefully picked up one cookie, and took a bite out of it neatly.
"I'M WINNING!" said Joey, spraying Alister with bits of cookies and drool. Alister flinched. This man was an animal. There was no way he could possibly win.
"ALRIGHT!" said Serenity, walking into the room in a Sherlock Holmes-like outfit, complete with the detective coat. "Joey…THAT MAN ISN'T YUGI!"
"Huh?" said Joey stupidly, looking up from the cookie massacre.
"I was just in town to give you an advanced copy of Captain Underpants Eight, and I found Yugi stuffed in a trash can in his underwear!" said Serenity. "Aparently, someone tore off all of his clothes, and hid him away! Let's see who you really are!"
With that, in a Scooby-Doo like movement, Serenity walked over and snatched the wig off Alister, revealing a girly red hairdo.
"IT'S THE PIZZA MAN!" Joey said, spraying drool and cookie bits again.
"Joey! How could you be so stupid?" asked Yugi, walking in his underwear. "This is odd even for you!"
"Dur…onions?" asked Joey.
"I LOVE YOU!" screamed Alister, overjoyed that he was free of having to continue his cookie scarfing contest with Joey, embraced Serenity in a hug. Serenity, however, was not overjoyed. In fact, she grabbed Alister and threw him out the door, sending him crashing through the window, once again on the idiot bus.
"DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH-" screamed the people on the bus, slamming Alister with kisses and frying pans, as Alister started sobbing at the meaninglessness of his life.
As soon as Valon walked into the elevator, Valon realized that he didn't know where the top floor was, not noticing the huge red button that said 'Top Floor'. So, he pushed a random button, and unfortunately, it was the 'Make the Elevator Explode' Button. So Valon was shot up nine miles in the air, then came screaming down, thankfully, landing in Kaiba's office.
"NO! NO PINK! NOT ON ANYTHING! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?" screamed Kaiba as Valon lay in a smoldering heap on the floor. "Boy the clowns have weird ways of walking into the room."
"Um…hello," said Valon. "I'm the CEO and President of Clowny Corp! And I'm here to do…uh, businessy things."
"Mm…hm…" said Kaiba. "Yeah, about surrendering your entire company to us in fear of my massive hoard of stuffed Blue-Eyes White Dragon plushies that explode on contact. Very good idea."
"Um, actually, I'M HERE TO STEAL YOU S-"
"HEY BIG BROTHER!" said Mokuba, dragging a clown into the office. "Guess what? The CEO of Clowny Corp is here!"
"Wait a minute," said Kaiba, shooting Valon a look. "I thought this loser was the CEO of Clowny Corp! Someone's been lyy-iiiiiing…"
"Um, HE WAS!" said Valon, pointing to the other clown.
"Well, I'm sorry, but according to the Big Book of Business," said Kaiba, pulling out a huge book from his desk titled 'The Big Book of Business', flipping through a couple of pages, "and I quote, 'when two people, who look exactly like each other, both claim to be the CEO of a company, large or small, due to the rules of free market, capitalism, and laissez-faire, both CEO's in question must fight to the death for their claim'."
"What?" asked Valon, as the other clown pulled out a light-saber.
The Following Scene is much too graphic and stupid to display on a public fanfic. Since the following is not considered 'Family Viewing', it has been cut to compensate for time.
And that's why Valon lay beat up in a corner, getting his butt kicked by a manic clown.
"Well, rules are rules," said Kaiba, as the clown grabbed Valon by the hair, and threw him out of the window so he fell about two hundred feet into the same crater as before.
"I…really need to work out some more…" said Valon.
"It's five 'o clock," said Mai, looking at her watch. "They both should be coming back crying for their mommies with massive amounts of physical and mental trauma!"
"Give em a chance…" said Raphael, looking at the clock. "Three…two…one…"
"HE WINS!" screamed Valon and Alister walking into the room at the exact same time, each of them pointing to the other.
"I GOT BITS OF COOKIES SPRAYED ALL OVER MY FACE AND HAD TO SUFFER BEING PUMBLED BY JOEY WHEELER'S SISTER INTO A BUS FILLED WITH IDIOTS!" said Alister.
"I HAD TO DRESS MYSELF UP AS A CLOWN, GOT BEATEN UP BY ONE, AND GOT THROWN OUT OF A ONE HUNDRED STORY BUILDING TWICE INTO SOLID CONCRETE!" said Valon.
"Is there a lesson somewhere in this?" asked Alister.
"I don't know…when a Stupid Auzie bugs you, don't make a ridiculous challenge and bet twenty four dollars on it?" asked Mai.
Everyone muttered 'yeah', 'alright', and 'okay'.
"Hello everyone!" said Dartz, wearing a pair of sunglasses. "I'm back from my day at the spa! And look! You didn't destroy anything while as was gone…for once…"
"DARTZY!" Valon screamed happily.
"So as my treat, WHO WANTS TO HAVE A SIXTEEN TON WEIGHT DROPPED ON THEIR HEAD?"
"Huh?" everyone asked, but before they could do anything else, a sixteen ton weight dropped on all of their heads, including Dartz's.