"A Yuffiroth Wedding"

by GMHY

A wedding present for teh Cendrillo (because she's justthat rock awesome).


There was one thing to say about the situation they were in. If it got any weirder, Cid was going to take the cigarette dangling between his lips and shove it into his eyeball.

"How much time do we have left, Tifa?" he asked, looking at his watch.

She sighed and leaned back against the balustrade of the airship. "About three more hours."

He nodded, and then cursed softly. Cigarette smoke twirled upward, spiraling like a bird before the wind tore it apart. "Well, I guess he got what he !#!# wanted. This whole thing is giving me a headache."

She nodded absently, busy peering over the side into the Crater below. "What do you think...is she really going to do it?"

"She's gonna make me puke all over this !#!#!# ship, that's what she's gonna do!" he responded, then closed his eyes, feeling a headache coming on. "You know what? I don't even care what she does. She can marry !#!#!# Sephiroth for all I care!"

He paused for effect, gesturing sarcastically. "Oh, wait! That's what she's gonna do, isn't it?"

A few moments passed. Cid inhaled deeply and expelled the air harshly, just like he wanted to 'expel' Yuffie right off the side of the Highwind.

"I guess...I'll go check on her," Tifa said, and by her tone she wanted to do no such thing.

"You do that," Cid said.

Tifa sighed again. Again, she felt the conflicting compulsions, both to support Yuffie, even though her decision was so incredibly insane, and to run as far away as she could without looking back.

Eventually, the urge to support her ally decided her, but she admitted to herself that she was also pretty curious about what the heck was going on. She climbed down to the main floor and stopped in front of the briefing room doors. She glanced to her right, toward the control room where the other members of AVALANCHE were hiding, frightened and bewildered. Tifa lifted her hand hesitantly and opened the door. She paused there in the doorway, totally dumbstruck.

For a second, Tifa considered the thought that she might not even be in the Highwind anymore. The room was covered in flowers and dresses and an enormous pile of wedding paraphernalia higher than her head. As she waded through the fluff, Tifa wondered incredulously where Yuffie had acquired it all, and so quickly.

Finally, she found the 16-year-old teenager, who was admiring herself in front of the standard full-length mirror found in every "pre-wedding jitters" chapter in every fanfiction ever. Yuffie was wearing a white dress, ignoring that Wutai is pseudo-Japanese, and therefore probably believes that white is a mourning color.

And the dress was cut in so-and-so a way and was long and beautiful and is actually the dress that the author always wanted for herself at her wedding. And her hair was done with do-dads and crap and this is the paragraph that no one really reads, because it's full of descriptions of hair.

But it didn't matter. She was incredibly beautiful and glowing with pre-marital bliss. Yuffie sighed happily as she stared at her reflection, completely ecstatic. Even though she was a teenager. And even though she was gonna marry Sephiroth. Yeah.

Well, perhaps she wasn't completely ecstatic. She turned to Tifa, a worried look on her face. "Tifa," she mumbled, "I'm having some pre-wedding jitters."

Tifa, shocked to the core by such a surreal comment, shook her head. "Um...Yuffie? Are you actually serious? I mean, it's...Sephiroth."

Yuffie looked blankly curious.

Tifa gestured, trying to explain. "He's...um...completely evil, Yuffie. He killed Aeris, remember?"

Yuffie immediately straightened to her full height, exuding rage. "You don't understand, Tifa! He's a good person inside, and you're just jealous and mean and trying to come between us and steal my lovey-dovey away from me!"

To punctuate her run-on sentence, Yuffie stamped her foot petulantly.

Tifa backed away slightly, completely baffled. "No, I'm not. I...really wouldn't want Sephiroth anyway. Because he's evil. And he killed my dad." She spoke very slowly, trying to get her point across.

Yuffie shook her head impatiently. "No, he's past all that now. He's trying to be a good person, mostly because he likes me! He's even un-summoned Meteor because I asked him to!"

Tifa grabbed Yuffie's upper arms and made her look in her eyes, in the same manner that she used to communicate with Marlene when she was being unruly. "Yuffie," she said slowly, "I don't understand. He's not a good person. He killed Aeris, my father and Cloud's mother, burned Nibelheim, and took over your country. If you haven't noticed, Sephiroth..."

Yuffie interrupted with a smug expression. "He let's me call him Sephy-poo."

Tifa's brain almost stopped at the horrible shock of this revelation, and she clenched at her chest, hoping her stomach would hold the food it was threatening to deluge all over Yuffie's expensive, magnificent dress.

"Tifa, are you alright?" Yuffie asked, always comforting.

Tifa breathed out through her nose for a moment, and then nodded wordlessly.

Yuffie turned back to the mirror, completely oblivious. "Well, even though I'm happier than I've ever been, I still feel kind of weird getting married. I mean, it's such a big step."

Tifa nodded again, absently, trying hard not to listen.

"And Sephy-poo has longer hair than me. It's hard to marry someone who's, well, prettier than you are. I wonder what my dad will say about that." She laughed. "This is going to be great. I can't wait to see his face when he finds out!"

Tifa leaned back against the table, holding her head. "That's awful, Yuffie. You mean you're dad doesn't know about this? He's going to die!"

Yuffie looked pleasantly curious. "Why's that? Lot's of people don't tell their parents until right before the wedding."

"You really should have told him, Yuffie," Tifa mumbled through her hands

"Well, I did tell him, but just not who," Yuffie plucked at her short hair. "It's supposed to be a surprise."

Tifa attempted to bring the conversation back to the root of the issue. "Yuffie. How long have you even known Sephiroth? How did this relationship ever begin in the first place? I can't even believe it. I actually think I'm getting an ulcer," she finished the last sentence in a murmur that Yuffie ignored.

Yuffie smiled brightly. "Isn't it great! I mean, yeah, he was the bad guy and everything, but aren't bad guys like, so hot? Anyway, we met when I was eight, because he was the governor of Wutai for a little while. He played with me and was really nice and stuff. But I didn't like him because my mom died in the war and I thought it was his fault. But it was really cute that he would play with a little kid, so the readers naturally forgave him."

Tifa looked up, confused. "The readers?"

Yuffie nodded. "Yeah. And so, later, when he would talk to me in secret while we were traveling, there was a little back story to build on!"

"Back story?"

"Yeah, it's necessary. Or else the audience wouldn't have those scenes with Sephy-poo playing with me when I was a kid. That would be a shame."

"Yeah, that would."

"And every great story is about couples like that, torn apart by allegiances."

"Yeah."

"Plus, Sephy-poo's hair is really soft. I think he conditions."

Tifa didn't reply to this. Her brain was to busy threatening to liquefy and pour out of her ears.

"This can't...it can't be real. You can't seriously be ignoring everything. You can't want to get married at 16. It isn't even legal. You can't think that a marriage like this will ever work. You can't believe that he even likes you. He's insane, remember?"

Yuffie smiled. "That was all because JENOVA was controlling him. She made him do all those evil things."

Tifa stared at her. "And... and JENOVA also made him cackle like a lunatic after he killed my dad?"

"All a part of the act," Yuffie said glibly.

"What act!" Tifa yelled, her patience finally snapping.

Yuffie looked pityingly at her friend. "I guess you just can't see all of his good qualities, and that's your loss, Tifa. Just, think about the way you're handling this and try to see it my way and how bad you're making me feel."

In response, Tifa held her hand up to Yuffie's forehead. "Yuffie, you have a fever. You should go to sleep."

"But it's my wedding day!" Yuffie said inanely.

"Go to bed. I have to go talk to Cloud, and I'll be back in a minute. If you're not in bed when I get back, you'll be in big trouble." And with that reversion to Marlene-speak, Tifa careened through the miscellaneous wedding crap and out the door, running until she got to the control room, where Cloud, Barret, Cait Sith. Red XIII and Vincent were hiding.

"Cloud, she's serious!" she cried as soon as she saw him.

He responded by rubbing the back of his spiky head, bewildered. "No way. What are we going to do?"

"Don't you think it's extremely unlikely that this even happened?" Red XIII asked.

The others nodded, not knowing what to say.

"Perhaps..." Vincent began, and then stopped. "I suppose they could be...controlled in some way."

Barret harrumphed. "Yeah, like mind-control. They're both out of their !#!#!# minds."

"I can't believe that Sephiroth would call a truce like that. Do you think that it's for real?" Tifa asked.

"Maybe, but I'm definitely not counting on it," said Cait Sith.

Tifa looked grim. "I guess the only thing to do is go down the Crater and see what Sephiroth is really up to. This charade is making me gag."

"And what if...this is serious?" Vincent asked the question no one wanted to hear.

"Then, we'll tie 'em up and throw them in the ocean," came Barret's no-nonsense response. "We don't need crap like that hanging around."

--------------------------------------------

They made their way down the Crater, everyone but Yuffie fighting monsters along the way, because Yuffie decided to wear the wedding dress for the journey. This made the rest of the party varying degrees of uncomfortable. Cid was in a black mood and swore constantly, Vincent held a discomfited silence, Cloud kept glancing awkwardly at Yuffie and shaking his head, Cait Sith looked as uncomfortable as an animatronic toy could look, and Barret and Tifa tried in vain to get Yuffie to tell them in turn what was really going on and talk some sense into her. When this finally dissolved into name-calling on Barret's part, Yuffie sealed her lips and wouldn't tell them anything.

Then they came to the very bottom and Sephiroth was waiting there, in a black tux, the sight of which made Barret and Cid collapse on the floor, laughing. Standing beside him was, against all rational thought, Bugenhagen, who was supposedly there to unite the couple as man and wife. Or, in this case, as insane evil bad guy and teenage girl. Whatever. Anyway, JENOVA was nowhere to be seen, supposedly because Sephiroth and Yuffie had defeated her with the power of their love.

Immediately, Yuffie jumped on Sephiroth. "Oh, Sephy-poo! I missed you!"

Sephiroth had a sentimental, yet butch tear in his eye. "I missed you too, Yuffie. After this, we'll never be apart again."

Yuffie dissolved into happy tears and hugged him tightly. "Yes, let's get married right now. No one will be able to tear us apart."

"I love you, Yuffie, my sugar-lumpkins. Never go away again."

Yuffie sniffed. "I love you too, Sephy-poo. Heh, that rhymed!"

Sephiroth grinned. "You're so talented, and perky, too!"

In response to this fluffy exchange, Cait Sith violently exploded. Back in ShinRa headquarters, Reeve grabbed at his ears, which were bleeding profusely. He'd had to push the self-destruct button on Cait Sith as a last defense. The price for replacing Cait Sith was worth it, though. If he had listened to any more of that garbage, he would have been the one to explode.

Tifa and Cloud were in shock, Vincent was stoically resisting his nausea, Cid and Barret weren't even cussing, they were so upset.

Bugenhagen motioned them forward then began to speak in an uncharacteristic lisp. "Mawwiage..."

Cid chuckled helplessly, dropping his cigarette.

"Mawwiage is what bwings us together, today. Mawwiage, that blessed awwangement. That dweam, within a dweam..."

Yuffie looked devotedly into Sephiroth's insane, glowing green eyes. He grinned cheesily back at her. Barret didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

"Then wove, twue wove, will follow you, fowever..."

Cloud started choking loudly and punched his chest to clear his pipes.

"So tweasure your wove."

Sephiroth glanced at Bugenhagen, momentarily distracted from Yuffie's perkiness. "Skip to the end."

"Have you the wing?"

Cid stood up suddenly. "Alright, I'm done with this !#!#. Let's stop 'em."

Nodding, the rest pulled out their weapons and crept forward. Tifa tackled Yuffie, and Cloud got Sephiroth in a full nelson. Cid tied them up with um...rope, Vincent and Barret helping him hold Sephiroth down. Yuffie and Sephiroth struggled against their bonds and Yuffie started to cry. "Oh, Sephy-poo! Help me!"

"Yuffie-lumpkins!" Sephiroth yelled dramatically.

Cid knocked him out. And then he grinned, quite proud of himself.

Yuffie also passed out, from the shock or something. AVALANCHE stood there, not sure what to do.

Vincent was the first to speak. "It is...obvious from that display that they were...serious after all."

Barret snorted. "I still say they was mind-wiped."

"One thing's for sure," Cloud said. "These two are now a threat to the Planet."

"How do you figure?" asked Cid.

"If I have to watch any more of that, I'm going to summon Meteor myself."

"So, what do we do with them?" Tifa asked. "I think they were being serious."

"Let's chuck 'em in the ocean," Cid suggested helpfully. "There's obviously something !#!#!# wrong with 'em."

Tifa shook her head. "You can't be serious, Cid. I mean, not about Yuffie. This can't be her fault."

"It could even be...that they are permanently out of character...with no hope for redemption," Vincent said morosely.

Red XIII crouched down. "It certainly seems that way. And it is well know that there is no cure for being out of character."

A silence settled, as the group eyed the two unfortunates, tied up, unconscious and clad in their wedding clothes. And each took note of their goofy expressions, even while insentient.

"Sephiroth's definitely not acting like himself, so he'll have to go," Tifa said.

"Sorry, Teef, but Yuffs probably ain't going to make it either," said Barret.

"Then it's settled," Cloud said unhappily. "If they're out of character when they wake up, then we'll throw them in the ocean."

And they did, because there is no hope after the pairing known as Yuffiroth.

They later threw Bugenhagen in too, after they realized belatedly that he was OOC too.

THE END


A.N. I'm really, really sorry.. I actually have a stomach ache now, but it might be all the Kool Aid I just drank.