Why the Kitchen Staff loves Ronon Dex

Disclaimers: I own nothing in the Stargate Atlantis Universe. Sigh. I think the Sci-Fi channel does.

Ratings: good question. Just to be on the safe side I'm going to say PG-13/T

Feedback: with appropriate groveling, pretty please with sugar on the top.

Summary: Just why does the kitchen staff love the Ronon and despise most of the rest of Atlantis?


Two of the kitchen staff wandered out into the halls of Atlantis in search of the new guy. One had a pot and utensils in his hand, and the other had an electronic pad for note taking. "So where do you think he's at Jesse?"

"At this time of day, he's probably calling himself 'training' the men." Jesse replied wryly.

"S-o-o, first stop training rooms?" Flip continued.

"Of course." Jesse said as she marched down the hallway.


Standing just inside the room, they watched Ronon Dex, the newest specialist to the Atlantean City, quickly disarm one of the soldiers, stab him in several places, and toss him across the room before calling out "Next." Well, since he was only 'teaching', it was more of several really strong jabs…That didn't break the skin of course.

"Ouch." Flip said in sympathy.

"See, if you weren't a part of the kitchen staff, you'd have to be doing that." Jesse said teasingly. Stepping further into the room, she called out, "Mr. Dex sir, we've brought you something to try."

Colonel Sheppard looked at them, and said astounded, "Ronan, you've been here how many weeks, and you've managed to get the kitchen staff to deliver your lunch? I don't even get that kind of treatment."

"He's our Mikey sir, and we'd like him to try this new recipe we have." Jesse answered quite seriously. "Dr.Beckett has assured us that all the ingredients are safe for human consumption."

"I don't know who this ' Mikey' is, but my name is Ronon Dex." Looking at the concotion, he sniffeed the air. "Well, it doesn't smell vile, so I'll be happy to taste your food."

"Of course Mr.Dex, my mistake. We just thought that you might try this …Beef Stroganoff for us. At least we think it's a beef type product." Jesse said soothingly.

Colonel Sheppard was trying to hide his snickering by coughing.

Ronon reached for a spoon as he said, "Okay, but my name is still Ronon Dex, not this mister name."

"Mister is just a polite civilian title to differentiate between male and female." Raising her pen in preparation to take notes, Jesse continued, "We just want you to tell us your impressions of the taste, texture, consistency and anything else you'd care to mention."

Colonel Sheppard asked amazed, "You're really using him as your guinea pig?"

"Well, he will eat anything sir. We might as well as put it to good use."

Colonel Sheppard looked at Ronon Dex in fascination and in an aside to the note taker. "S-o-o, how goes it?"

Jesse looked at him with smiling eyes before turning back to Ronon. "Our difficulty is coming up with a conversion table for what he describes. Edible means add lots of ketchup and call it meatloaf. Interesting means feed it to Dr.Mckay and tell him that Teyla's people will be upset if he doesn't eat it. We do that on occasion when he really annoys us…Which is a lot of the time. If he grimaces and says Wraith food, we feed it to Dr. Kavanaugh and hope he dies of food poisoning…Unfortunately, he never does."

Colonel Sheppard grinned at that, "We can only hope."

"We're also trying to feed him Earth food so he'll have something to compare with. But there's not a lot left to feed him though, and I refuse to give up my last stores of chocolate, strawberries and peanut butter to a man who will literally put anything in his mouth."

"…You have chocolate left?"

"Not a chance, even if you are a Colonel now. You don't want to know what I can find to feed you sir. And don't even try and use puppy dog eyes on me. I'm immune."

"She also has caramel that she won't share." Flip added his disgruntled 2 cents.

"Did you miss all the Barney episodes about sharing is caring?"

"My T.V. was programmed to block subliminal messages…But if you see that stupid purple dino thing, shoot it. I'm sure that it'll make great B.B.Q."

Ronon broke in, and asked, "What is this 'chocolate' that everyone hoards?"

Jesse looked up at him, trying to think of something to say, when Colonel Sheppard jumped in and said, "Ronon's not going to try anything else until you break out the chocolate. And how are you hiding strawberries?"

"Do you want to be our new taste test subject Colonel Sheppard? And there is a small hydroponics room I found. …At least I think it's a hydroponics room. That's what I've been using it for."

"Hydroponics huh? Have you told Rodney or Dr.Weir about it yet? And since I'm a Colonel and outrank you, I can order you to be the taste-tester instead."

"Be very very careful sir. I am in control of what goes on your and everyone else's plate's sir."

"Are you threatening me?"

"No of course not. I am merely giving you information, so that you can make an informed decision."

"…Sounded like a threat to me."

Ronon looked back and forth between the two of them before asking, "So what is this 'peanut butter' I heard you talk about?"

Jesse contemplated him for a moment, before asking, "Would you like to try a chocolate chip and peanut butter sandwich?"


"Chocolate chips? You have chocolate chips? Can you make me some chocolate chip cookies?" Colonel Sheppard's mouth was already watering in anticipation as he followed the trio into the hallway on their way towards the kitchen.

In the hallway, a passing Dr.Mckay's ears perked up, "Did I hear someone say chocolate chip cookies?"(Amazing how he could be deaf to all that he didn't want to hear, and yet hear the slightest whisper about food.)

"The cook is going to make Ronon a chocolate chip and peanut butter sandwich, and then chocolate chip cookies for me."

An expression of distaste chased itself over Dr.McKay's face as he said, "Why is she wasting perfectly good chocolate chips on him? And why wasn't I aware of peanut butter in the city?"


please R & R and let me know if the taste tests should continue.