Disclaimers: I own nothing in the Stargate Atlantis Universe… No wait, I own Jesse and Flip, and they like playing with the rest.. So can I own them for a little while?

Spoilers: Since Ronon is there, it has to be at least after 'runner', in Season 2.

Thanks to Krysalys for the starting line. It was just too perfect not to use. And also for the idea to strip Ronon and smear him with , ..hum well I was thinking of stripping him before.. uhm, what's the subject? Ronon STRIPPING! Wait what story did I miss? Thanks to Reyclou for the suggestion to add more descriptions to their actions. I don't think that I am quite there yet, but I am trying to work on it. Anyway, Thanks to everyone for the continued reviews. Hope this installment is just as entertaining.

9 ½ Weeks In The Kitchen

Ronon snorted and called arrogantly over his shoulder as he left the kitchen, " Like to see you try."

Jesse, for all her joking, gave one of her surprisingly rare laughs at that. And on that note, Flip came wondering in from the storeroom. He gave her a quizzical look, knowing exactly how rare her laugh was, and asked, "What's so funny?"

Jesse gave him a wry look, and said, "Oh just a challenge to hunt from our resident runner."

Flip rolled his eyes at that, but only said, "Well, what about the challenge of what to serve with the fish..Whoa!" He yelped as he jumped back startled. "Is the fish still alive?"

Jesse sighed and said "Ronon says that it isn't fish, and that it is still alive."

"Did he happen to say what it was?"

Jesse closed her eyes and sighed again. "Well, he started to tell me, but I told him that I had my eeww face on, and that I didn't want to hear it. .. But I did invite him back to taste test in a couple of hours."

"..And is he?"

Jesse pursed her lips before saying, "That was where the challenge to hunt came in."

Turning Flip looked at her and then reached over to thump her ear. "Does your brain and mouth operate on the same wavelength?"

Narrowing her eyes at her 2IC, Jesse reluctantly admitted, "Maybe I should've asked how and where the Athosians caught it, and also how they prepare it. There, are you happy now?"

"No, not particularly."

Their curiosity aroused, Jesse and Flip leaned over the 'fish' and poked it again. When it snapped around sluggishly to hiss at them, they jumped back quickly. "Well how the hell are we supposed to kill the thing? And why are the Athosians delivering live foodstuffs to us? Is this some sneaky attempt to kill us all I our sleep?"

Jesse gave him McKay's patented 'you're so stupid' look, which she could mimic perfectly and said dryly, "I don't think that there is a conspiracy to kill us Flip." She handed him a knife and continued, "And you're going to kill it by chopping its' head off, and gutting it."

"ME! Why me? I think we aught to draw straws on this."

"Well, since I'm in charge, and you're my 2IC, you get to do what I tell you. Now get to chopping."

Shaking the knife in her face, Flip grumbled, "One of these days Jess, one of these days."

"One of these days what?" Jesse asked impishly.

"I don't know, but one of these days, you are so going to get it."

"Well until then, I'm not going to worry." So saying, she sauntered back over to her cooking journal to flip through it. Stopping on a page, she read the ingredients and looked at the 'fish' speculatively. "How about this?" She asked coming up next to him.

Flip glanced at it, "Sautee it in garlic and white wine? Great except that we have no white wine."

"We'll use the pink stuff we fermented."

Giving her a casual look, Flip asked as he chopped the fish into little pieces looking for bones, "Didn't we hallucinate on the pink stuff?"

"Yeah, but I'm sure that extreme heat will evaporate all the hallucigens in it." She answered unconcerned. "If it turns out okay, we'll call it 'la poulet de la mer' aka chicken of the sea." She finished whimsically.

"And if it causes exploding dysentery?"

She looked thoughtful for a moment before rattling off possible names, "Kavanaugh's Kryptonite? Enema de la Kavanaugh? Kavanaugh's Revenge? Kavanaugh's Nightmare? I personally think that Enema de la Kavanugh would be the most appropriate, but a vote may be necessary. What do you think Flip?"

Flip by this time was leaning against the sink crying with laughter. Straightening he wiped tears from his eyes and tried to say in a severe voice, "You are a bad, bad person. No compassion what-so-ever. It wasn't his fault that he used a malfunctioning toilet."

"I know, I know. And I'm sure that I'm going to go to hell with the rest of my friends. It's just sooo unfortunate that it fits!" She finished chortling.

Shaking his head, Flip looked at the 'fish' he'd chopped up, "Sooo sautéed in garlic and hallucigenics. What else are we going to serve with it? Or do you think that anyone would notice if we even served anything else?"

Closing her eyes, she waved a hand at him, "Shh, give me a moment to think." The moment lasted until she cracked an eye at him, and they disolved into snickers again.

Flip held up his hands and said, "Hold it, hold it. If we name a dish after Kavanaugh, we're going to have to name dishes after the rest of Atlantis command. Do you have any idea what that would be like?"

"Well, we wouldn't have to worry about Colonel Sheppard. He's already got Sheppard's Pie. And for Dr. McKay, I see something intricate, sickening sweet and time consuming. Maybe a gateau called McKay's galaxy flambeau, which would explode over everyone once cut."

"Meanie butt."

"What? I can't cater to his already ginormous ego too much."

Flip looked thoughtful for a moment before saying. "You know, with his equally ginormous paranoid and suspicious streak, he'dout think himself, and won't know if you're insulting him or complimenting him. Just think how many sleepless nights he'll have over it."

"Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky. …Have I ever told you that I like the way you think? I'll commence creating after dinner."

Flip turned the heat down in the skillet as he poured some of the pink wine in to let it cook down a bit with the garlic. "So what was the big guy doing in here? Were ya'll flirting again?"

"There's nothing going on, and no chance in hell of anything happening. I was just teasing him a little."

Flip rolled his eyes at that and said, "Puh-leaze! You want to rip his clothes off, and make like rabid weasels."

"Moi? Make like a rabid weasel? You insult me sirra!" Jesse said all wide-eyed and scandalized innocence. She put the back of one of her hands against her forehead, and placed the other delicately on her chest as she threw her head back and shook her ponytail.

"Yes, you!" Flip emphasized his point with a spatula. "Don't get all prim and missy with me! I've been on leave with you before remember. Girls Gone Wild are nothing compared to you!"

Grinning, Jesse admitted, "Okay, I will admit to a desire to strip him, tie him up, and blindfold him. All in the interests of his education." She finished puritanically.

Flip gave her a disbelieving look. "Purely in the interest of his 'naked' education, huh? How is being tied up and naked good for his education? I know learning would be the last thing on my mind in that kind of situation."

"Oh, I don't know, I think it would help emphasize his education into the culinary arts. ..Didn't you ever watch 9 ½ Weeks?" As Flip began to snicker again, Jesse continued with a lecherous look, "The thought also crossed my mind to pour honey all over him, or better yet, pour honey all over me, and have him lick it all off. He does have some wonderful tongue skills."

"And how would you know?"

Smirking, she answered, "There was no meeting of lips or tongues betwixt us. I simply challenged him to a 'tie-a knot-in-a-cherry-stem' contest. He did it quite nimbly I might add. ..Of course Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay looked horrified at that testament of hhis until then unknown skill. ..Well, at least until Teyla demanded in on the contest. I must say that Dr. Weir looked suitable impressed, and really looked like she'd like to invite him to her quarters for some after hours demonstration of tongue techniques."

"Ooh my momma would say that you got the devil in you!" Flip exclaimed as they started laughing.

Meanwhile, outside of the kitchen doors stood Dr. McKay. He had a queasily horrified look on his face. He leaned a shaky hand on the wall and muttered incoherently, "A naked tied up Ronon covered in honey. A naked tied up Ronon in the kitchen. In the kitchen where my food is. A naked tied up Ronon getting NAKED TIED UP RONON GERMS ALLOVER MY FOOD. WHY? WHY IS SHE DOING THIS TO ME?" And with that last pitiful thought, Dr. Rodney McKay fell over heavily onto the floor with a loud thump.

Jesse and Flip looked at each other puzzled looks in the kitchen before walking to the kitchen doors to look out into the dining area. They looked at Dr. McKay lying on the floor for a moment. Then Jesse wondered out loud, "Do you think that he heard about the hallucigenic wine we're cooking with?"


I know, I really need to work on that plot thingy.