The Imperial Officer's Guide to Success (and Staying Alive)
Chapter 1: Exciting Careers
Congratulations! Purchasing this book indicates that you've made the wise decision to join the Empire! If you're not a servant of the Empire, I suggest you put this book down immediately and report yourself to the nearest stormtrooper! If you have in fact pledged your allegiance to Palpatine, then here are a few of the exciting careers that await you!
Imperial Navy: Far above the mess of ground combat is the Imperial Navy boasting a fleet of thousands. If you're an ace pilot with ambition or a cultured ex-Beaureaucrat that doesn't question orders then this is the place for you! Whether its piloting a tie-fighter, a gunnery station, or commanding the bridge of a Star Destroyer, there are options for everyone!
Stormtrooper/Ground Troops: Does deep space make you queasy? Were your entrance exam scores less than stellar? You may want to consider the rewarding life of a stormtrooper or snow trooper.Look for rebel fugitives in exotic locales. Lead ground combat missions. Stormtroopers don't live long and they aren't well paid, but you won't be under the direct supervision of Lord Vader. No experience with blasters or weapons necessary.
Imperial Intelligence Agent: Do you crave danger? Love gadgets? Then, what about a career as an Imperial spy. Travel to exotic locales and infiltrate rebel hideouts in the service of the Empire.
Chapter 2: Communicating with Your Superiors
One of the most important skills an Imperial Officer can posess is Communication. If you're a Stormtrooper, you don't need to read this. Otherwise, you could be talking to Grand Moff Tarkin, Darth Vader, or even the Enperor himself so your life may depend on knowing what to say! Perhaps the number one rule is absolutely NEVER speak to lord Vader unless you are making a report or he addresses you! Avoid talking to superiors unless you have to. When you have to speak to Darth Vader Address him as My Lord or Lord Vader. The following is a list of phrases you should avoid in the event that communication with Lord Vader is necessary:
My Lord, it appears I was wrong!
Are you sure you about that?
They(insert person here) escaped!
No, sir I don't know where the plans are.
I don't think that will work…
There is a (insert part of ship, software, ect) malfunction.
We're running a little late!
I'll get to that later!
You never told me to search there.
I'm sorry we made a mistake.
I think we should…
Do we have to…?
The following communication exercise should help you further.
Officer Dumbass: Good morning, Mr. Vader.
Lord Vader: You will address me as Lord Vader, Officer.
Officer Dumbass: Oh, sorry. I conducted the scan and didn't find anything at those coordinates. Are you sure the ones you gave me were correct?
Lord Vader: Yes, they are correct and you would do well to remember who it is you serve.
Officer Dumbass: It's just…well, the Star System is extremely large and I think searching these coordinates would be a better use of resour……(falls to the floor choking). I'm sorry. Forget I said anything.(dies).
Lord Vader: It is forgotten, Officer Dumbass.
What went wrong there? Officer Dumbass failed to address Lord Vader correctly. That was his first mistake. He then questioned Lord Vader's orders in an insulting manner and stated his own opinion. Now, let's see how Officer Obedient does?
Lord Vader: Officer Obedient, have you searched the coordinates?
Officer Obedient: Yes, My Lord. Our initial search yielded inconclusive results so I'm performing the search again.
Lord Vader: Search the entire system if you have to! The Rebel base must be found!
Officer Obedient: Yes, my Lord. It will be done at once!
So where is Officer Obedient? Still alive! He waited for Lord Vader to address him and used the proper honorific and answered questions in a factual and competent manner.
Don't be an Officer Dumbass!
Chapter 3: What to Do When Something Goes Wrong
Eventually, in the career of even the most successful officer, something will go wrong! Whether it's missing battlestation plans, escaped prisoners, or technical malfunctions, no one is immune, but a smart officer can survive. The most important thing to remember is NEVER admit fault. See that bright-eyed ensign sitting in the corner eager to please? In an emergency, he can be your best friend. The first thing to do is to find a scapegoat and who better than a lower ranking officer! If you are not at fault blame it on him! If you are at fault, blame it on him! If you are an ensign the best advice is to disappear as soon as something goes wrong. If you're not there, then they probably won't try blaming you.
If there are no ensigns available, how about your incompetent older superior. Blaming a superior is risky, but has the added benefit of a possible promotion. Here's another exercise with Officer Dumbass and Officer Obedient.
Officer Dumbass: Lord Vader, we made a severe tactical error and we have lost the rebels. I accept responsibility for the actions of my men. (starts choking)
Lord Vader: Apology accepted, Officer Dumbass.
Officer Dumbass may seem noble in his willingness to accept responsibility, but remember—he's also dead. Let's see how Officer Obedient does.
Officer Obedient: Lord Vader. Unfortunately, the rebels escaped because Officer Expendable made a tactical error.
Lord Vader: Officer Expendable you are relived of your duties.
Officer Expendable: (Chokes)
Lord Vader: Congratulations, Admiral Obedient.
Ldihawk: Thanks for reading and in advance for anyone that reviews. Coming Next: Chapters 4-6 including: The Top Ten Places to Look for Rebels and Aliens: Cute or Deadly? I hope you enjoyed it so far!