Ldihawk: Thank you again to all the readers and reviewers! After much delay, the Imp Guide is up again! I'm winding down on ideas, but as long as there is interest, I'll keep updating! Enjoy!
The Imperial Officer's Guide to Success (and Staying Alive)
Chapter Fourteen: Away Missions—How to Arrive Alive!
After many months in the darkest recesses of deep space, many officers find themselves longing to escape the confines of their officers quarters taste adventure. Unfortunately, a small number go completely mad and find themselves sitting in their cabins, curled in a fetal position, talking to mouse droids and long-dead uncles. Many a cadet after spending his first year of service will whine, "But I wanted to see the galaxy." Well, an away mission is the perfect opportunity! There are some things you need to know to be a savvy and safe traveler. First, if you are a low-level ensign, don't volunteer for away mission and if you are ordered to go, I suggest checking into the medical bay. It is a well-known fact that ensigns, while easy to please, are also extremely expendable! Did you notice that after each away mission, there is a new ensign serving on the bridge? If you go on these missions as an ensign, you do so at great peril as you are likely to be scorched by a krayt dragon, speared by an Ewok, eaten by a gelatinous blob-monster, or carried off as the bride of a rather corpulent local sorceress. In the event that your team's lives are threatened, your commander may use you as a human shield, a human sacrifice to appease local Gods, or a bartering tool. If you are a higher ranking officer, volunteer away! Make sure you research the planet before you go! You could end up on a tropical paradise, but you could also end up in a frigid hellhole. Remember, before you go there are many forms to be filled out and you will have to submit to a routine physical and immunizations. If at all possible, familiarize yourself with local taboos, and common phrases to avoid embarrassing incidents. Here's an example of a common faux pas made by Officer Dumbass.
Officer Dumbass: Greetings, local denizen!
Local Denizen(a rather large tentacled biped): Allock sitara noin del tata.
Officer Dumbass: I will speak your language. Atnas atana ita reit'nar dan sta.
Local Denizen(Beginning to get agitated): Atara! Yamaz reita. The local denizen pulls a gun and Officer Dumbass is forced to run for his life.
What the officer thought he said was: I am enjoying the hospitality of your fine planet. Have you seen any rebel activity? What he actually said was: I spit on your adulterous mother's grave and curse your offspring! Remember, when in doubt, keep quiet—and make sure to have your blaster ready when approaching natives. You never know who might be a rebel.
Next, avoid gambling and drinking establishments, especially those that involve Hutts. Just say no to deathsticks unless you plan to spend the rest of your career roaming around the spaceport talking to yourself.
Finally and most importantly, don't fraternize with the locals. This includes dating! It may be tempting considering the scarcity of available women in the Imperial Navy to date locals while on away missions and shore leave, but this process is strongly prohibited!