(CUT To EXT Shot - The Neutron living room. Hugh is reading a magazine, titled Ducks Unlimited Weekly, on the couch. After a few seconds he looks up to acknowledge the audience's presence.)
Hugh Neutron: Oh! Hi there! (He puts down his magazine.) No, you weren't interrupting me at all.I'm glad you could join me. Your insight will be appreciated after all the neat tales I'm about to entertain you with.
(Hugh then takes out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes from his pocket.)
Hugh Neutron: My son the Jimster sure does get into all sorts of adventures, y'see. You may not not know it, but he and his band of eclectic friends have been through even more twists and spins of crazy adventures than any of you could imagine.
(Hugh removes a cigarette and begins to light it.)
Hugh Neutron: Lucky you! Because I'm going to tell as much of them as I can to your gracious ears!
(Hugh takes a puff from the cigarette. He suddenly explodes into wild bouts of coughing. His attempt at appearing aloof totally ruined. He barks out more smoke as he heaves for fresh air.)
Hugh Neutron (disgusted): Mighty mallards! That was awful! How can anyone like doing that?
(The cigarette falls on his lap. A soft sizzle is heard as he is burned.)
Hugh Neutron: GAH!
(He flicks it off of his lap with his finger. It lands on the carpet, the embers burning the carpet. Judy Neutron enters just in time to witness the craziness.)
Judy Neutron (in angry shock): Hugh! What in the world are you doing?
Hugh Neutron (tyring to hide the cigarette with a well placed foot): Oh, hi pudding pants! (Judy glares at his attempt at "stealth".) Just about to tell our guests of some of our son's untold daredevil escapades.
Judy Neutron: I don't see how the cigarettes are necessary for the introduction. It's not very good behavior to show to children. Also, it'll be your check book that will pay for the new carpeting we'll obviously need.
Hugh Neutron: Well, I was trying to go for the casually cool story teller look but it didn't turn out too good.
Judy Neutron: I can see that. (She pauses.) Um, so, why are you doing this exactly? How would you have any knowledge of Jimmy's unknown adventures in the first place, may I ask?
Hugh Neutron (a bit embarassed): Ah.. they were untold for a reason. Mainly because I'm just going to be making them up.
Judy Neutron: And this benefits..because...?
Hugh Neutron: Here's how it is sugar booger, the writers are kind of licking their wounds after that last storyline; the poorly made plot with all the time travel and awful attempt at originality. It seems a fan broke into the studio and switched the current storyboards and transcript with its own creation. I kept telling John and Keith to higher more skilled security guards. I bet money they're wishing they took my advice sooner.
Judy Neutron (in sympathetic surprise): Oh! I bet that was such a scare. Those fans can be so bizarre indeed. I have seen some of their atrocious attempts at fiction first hand. No wonder we have been suffering such poor ratings lately.
Hugh Neutron: Yes, so, the writers are in a funk over that disaster. They asked me to throw about some ideas to get them motivated; I got a bunch of things all figured out already!
Judy Neutron (sounding a bit worried): Oh, really? Uh, what do you have so far?
Hugh Neutron: Picture this honeybee, Jimmy and his friends go off into the boreal rainforests of Canada to view the amazing behavior of a new breed of duck just recently found.
Judy Neutron: Ah.. Hugh, I don't think..
Hugh Neutron (still into it): But then they are pursued by this angry Mountie who thinks their real intent is to spread American culture further into the calm, untouched land of the magical Canada.
(CUT To EXT Shot - A large boreal rainforest. Birds chirp and dragonflies hover happily in the beauty. Jimmy, Carl and Sheen are running off in frantic speed. We notice a blue and yellow duck in Jimmy's hands, it quacks happily, oblivious to what is going on. Thunderous galloping is heard as we see a menacing Canadian Mountie on a huge black steed chasing the boys with tenacious pursuit.)
Mountie (tauntingly): Go on! Keep running you American pig-dogs!
Sheen (out of breath): Jimmy! Just give him back the stupid duck!
Jimmy: I can't! My dad would disown me should I not bring it to him in an act of raw devotion.
Judy Neutron (voice over): Hugh! What kind of thing is that to say?
Hugh Neutron (voice over): Now, now dear. People say strange things while they are being pursued by a wild and vicious Canadian.
(The Mountie's horse leaps over the boys and skids to a stop. Stopping them from running any further. A cold sneer on the Mountie's face. His horse gives a menacing snort.)
Mountie (he grins darkly): Nowhere to go now, Yankee scum.
Judy Neutron (voice over): I don't think that story would really entertain anyone.
(CUT back to the Neutron living room. Hugh looks at his wife with a disappointing stare.)
Hugh Neutron: It wouldn't?
Judy Neutron: No.
Hugh Neutron (entreatingly): But I even had this really cool escape scene planned out. In thanks, a big flock of ducks fly Jimbo back to Retroville unharmed, while Carl and Sheen battle the Mountie in a nail biting showdown of a Star Wars spelling bee.
(CUT To the Boreal Forest. A thick darkness in the sky appears as scores of ducks fly south, loud quacking and the flapping of wings are heard. The camera PANS down to show the Mountie frowning as he reads a book. He looks to Sheen, a confident grin on his face, before giving an acknowledging nod.)
Mountie: Correct. That is indeed the way you spell Ralltiir.
(The Mountie tosses the book for Sheen to catch. The Mountie turns to Carl, who is happily feeding the Mountie's horse a handfull of tall grasses.)
Mountie (coldly): Cease feeding Estevan now, eh?
Sheen: Okay Mountie guy, spell Vergesso. As in the Vergesso asteroids.
Mountie: Ah, V-E-R-R-G-E-S-S-O. Vergesso.
Carl (cheerfully): Wrong!
Mountie (in loud defiance): I most certainly am not!
Sheen: You are dude, there's only one R in Vergesso.
Mountie: It...it can't be.
Sheen (happily): Yup, we win. So now you gotta give us a ride back home. That is, after we sample your country's free health care system and talk with cute French-Canadian girls.
Mounite (mad): You ignorant brat! This is British Columbia! There aren't any French speaking Canadians for another four thousand kilometers!
Judy Neutron (voice over): I think we just lost a thousand more viewers.
(CUT To the Neutron living room. Hugh adjusts his glasses in a ponderous matter.)
Hugh Neutron: But its got ducks in it! Everyone loves ducks! Okay, maybe there should have been some black and white shots of pie in those scenes as well, but nothing says I can't rewrite it.
Judy Neutron (she sighs tiredly): Oh Hugh..
Hugh Neutron: Or hey! How about we bring back that future girl from the last story line?
Judy Neutron (annoyed): What? Why would you want to do that? Wouldn't that make the situation with the ratings worse?
(CUT To EXT Shot - The Weezer's front yard. Mrs. Weezer is raking up some cut grass leftover from a past mowing, adding the last amount to an orderly looking pile. Future girl Tabessa from the last story line from yours truly (I.E Me the unoriginal author!) leaps down, landing stealthily, while ruining the tidy pile of grass. Mrs. Weezer gives a "Gah!" of surprise.)
Tabessa (she views her mockingly): So! You past-lings thought you've seen the last of me, eh?
(Tabessa kicks at the grassy pile rudely as Mrs. Weezer stares in mystified shock.)
Tabessa: Well, you can think again! 'Cause I'm back!
(Tabessa spreads her arms out and laughs with loud arrogance. Mrs. Weezer blinks in confusion. Mr. Weezer opens the front door to see what the ruckus is all about. He watches this with complete disinterest. His wife turns to him in baffled confusion.)
Mrs. Weezer (?): Dear, a loud and poorly constructed fan made character seems to have just appeared from nowhere.
Mr. Weezer (sounding bored): What? Oh, just get rid of her. Just do what you did when we found those raccoons in the attic.
(Mr. Weezer re-enters the house. Mrs. Weezer raises the rake and approaches the future girl in a defensive manner. Tabessa is oblivious to the possible danger.)
Tabessa: Thanks to a wayward plot hole I found, I have returned to exact revenge on all who have treated me so-
(Mrs. Weezer swings the rake hitting Tabessa hard in the back.)
Tabessa (angered pain): OW! Gee-hee-eez!
Mrs. Weezer: Get! Shoo!
(Mrs. Weezer strikes at her again with the rake.)
Tabessa: GUH! What was that for?
(Mrs. Weezer hits her again, this time upside the head.)
Tabessa (agony!): AH-HA-OW!
Mrs. Weezer: Go on! Get! Take your unoriginal personality and never come back!
(Tabessa shields herself from another onslaught. She begins to inch away from her attacker.)
Tabessa (in low fury): You'll be sorry you ever-
(Another smack from the rake.)
Mrs. Weezer: Shoo future girl! Shoo!
(She strikes her again. Tabessa shrinks away as she tries to escape from this disgraceful predicament.)
Tabessa (pathetic!): AH! My humiliation knows no bounds.
Judy Neutron (voice over & sounding cross): We just lost another twenty thousand viewers!
(CUT back to the Neutron living room. Hugh smiles sheepishly at Judy.)
Hugh Neutron: Oh. Heh..that bad, huh?
Judy Neutron: Yes.
Hugh Neutron (he waves a hand airily): Bah, future girls are stupid anyway. Maybe I can incorporate my own new character, a hip duck-man who works at a bakery, builds a mean pie and possesses a magic snowboard to fight evil and execute anti-gravity like moves.
(CUT To EXT Shot - An anthropomorphic duck-man in blue snowboarder gear is walking down a road. He weilds a large white snowboard with I LIKE PIE stenciled on it. The irony is that it is actually a warm summer day! He gives a thumbs up as he looks toward the camera.)
Duck/Man Hybrid: Dude! Retroville has the most awesome skiing hill! I'm about to go hardcore and thrash some snow! Cowabunga! Tubulur! Gnarly!
Judy Neutron (voice over & sounding annoyed): Hugh, people don't even say those words.
Hugh Neutron (voice over): That's because he's special!
Duck/Man Hybrid: Radical! I'm the snowboard king; it's time to get extreme!
(The Duck/Man Hybrid is then nearly hit by someone on a bicycle, we recognize him as Sam, owner of the Candy Bar, clad in a bikesuit get-up and a helmet.)
Sam: Hey! Out of my way freakshow! This is a bike lane, not a ski slope, ya' idiot! Yeah!
(Sam cycles away. Leaving the Duck-thing staring off in confusion.)
Duck/Man Hybrid (clueless): Dude! Are you serious?
(A whistling sound is heard as a can of soda beans the Duck/Man Hybrid hard in the head with a loud and painful sounding "Thok!". He collapses onto the road, unmoving.)
Duck/Man Hybrid (disoriented): Du-ude! That light looks pretty, man.
(CUT To Inside A Car - Sheen is in the front seat with his dad. He rolls up his window, looking jaded. His father grips the steering wheel harder as he eyes his son with uneasiness.)
Sheen: What a disappoinment! The snowboarders always caught the Mountain Flurp in those commercials. He obviously wasn't extreme enough.
Mr. Estevez (disturbed): Right. Just be sure not to do that again, okay?
Judy Neutron (voice over): I'm sorry dear, that wouldn't work either.
(CUT To the Neutron living room. Hugh stands up from the couch and gives Judy a pleading look.)
Hugh Neutron: Hey! I wasn't finished yet. He was gonna be making a bunch of pies after he was resuscitated by a passing defibrillator salesman.
Judy Neutron: Ducks and pie won't get you anywhere if you want to be a writer for television, dear. That goes the same for hideously constructed fanmade characters too. Be it future girls or anthopomorphic duckmen.
Hugh Neutron: Not to worry lottery muffin, I have plenty of other ideas. Some even have a moral or two in it as well, so all of it won't be just random banter.
Judy Neutron (she rubs her head in a tired fashion): Why do I have this sudden premonition that is all this story is going to be about.
Hugh Neutron (a determined look on his face): Darn foreshadowing! I'll fix that! (He points to the camera.) Cue that spinning atom thingy, guys!
(CUE Rotating Atom.)