The Revenge of the Dink-Dinks!
By Random Stuff about Stuff
A/N this story is totally random. No, I don't care if it doesn't make any sense, I'm just writing this to make up alter egos for my favorite characters from Star Wars. And Luke. And no, no insult is meant to Star Wars, just compliments to Spaceballs, which I haven't seen in ages.
Disclaimer: I own Jukebox Skytripper, Bob/ Cheese-Crackers Hamcheese, and all of the other character that I made up. The ones I didn't, I don't.
Note: Please pretend the following words are floating across the screen.
Loud rock music plays.
Once, long ago, in a galaxy far far away that has nothing to do with the kingdom Fiona from Shrek lives in, there was an unusual thing going on. First of all, humans were living there, even though it was a long time ago in a galaxy far far away as the title clearly states. Second, and most important to the plot, is something that I can't quite remember. Ahh, yes, I remember now. Silly of me to forget, but that's what happens when we get older. It's my birthday soon, and I'm turning…
Characters from Monty Python and the Holy Grail: "Get on with it!"
Sorry. Anyway before the Spaceballs and Lone Starr and Princess Vespa and Barf and Dot and Pizza the Hut, and… Alright, alright, I'm getting on with it! Before all of the characters from Spaceballs met, something else was happening somewhere else. If you read this entire thing without questioning the writers sanity, than you need a mental checkup.
Second Note: the music was Jukebox's idea.
"Jukebox Skytripper," said the old man, "how did you get into this situation that I so conveniently appeared to get you out of?"
"I crashed," explained Jukebox.
"How?" asked the old man blankly.
But the boy seemed to have just realized who he was. "Bob Hamcheese?" he asked incredulously.
"The very same."
"Bob, do you have a relative named Cheese-Crackers Hamcheese?" asked Jukebox.
"Ah," commented Bob distantly. "Cheese-Crackers Hamcheese. I haven't heard that name in a long time…"
"Was she your tragically deceased wife?" asked Jukebox, intrigued.
"He, you imbecile, he!"
"Oh, was he your tragically deceased wife?" repeated the boy.
"No, you moron, he was me!"
"Then why are you talking about him in third person? And why do people call you Bob?"
"Do you have any idea what its like to grow up with a name like Cheese-Crackers Hamcheese!"
"Hey, my name's Jukebox Skytripper. Apparently, I can't fly very well."
"And you have a bad taste in music."
"Well we know that, just look at the second note in the intro."
Cheese-Crackers Hamcheese glanced up at the intro, which was still flying around above the screen. "Quite," he commented.
"Anyway, the point is, I've got this vicious talking badger that says it belongs to you. Any idea what that's about?"
"Hmm, let me see… Oh. It really belonged to your father, but I stole him after he became a homicidal murderer… I mean, after he died."
"Oh. How'd he die?"
"He was killed by that dude with a big head and the black helmet."
"Oh. You mean the one who keeps going "Juke, I am your father!"
"Oh. So the guy who's always saying he's my father really killed my father?"
"Oh. That's nice."
"Yeah. It really is."
"So… About this vicious talking badger…"
"Think you could take care of him for me?"
"Because I'm secretly afraid that you'll grow up to be as murderous as your father, and the idea of a vicious talking badger in your bedroom is the perfect way to finish you off."
"And besides," continued Cheese-Crackers, apparently unaware that his victim had just agreed. "I got the Dink-Dinks to sell him to you so that he'd kill you."
"The Dink-Dinks were happy to comply. Seems your father killed a bunch of their buddies after their buddies 'accidentally' killed his mom, your grandma, so they'd be happy to help murder his only son."
"The thing is, now they want me to murder your sister as well, but I don't even bother to acknowledge her existence, so that'll be fine. I'm not attached to her."
"Not that I'm attached to you. In fact, I hate you, and you really, really annoy me."
"But that's only because you talk too much and you whine even more than your father ever did, and boy was he a whiner."
"I mean, it was always: 'Cheese-Crackers never lets me do what I want' or 'Cheese-Crackers is holding me back,' or 'Cheese-Crackers is trying to teach me stuff I'm better at then him' blah blah blah.
"And you're just as bad. Always going on about how you actually have to do something for once in your life, and on and on and on…"
"So that's why I won't mind killing you. I mean, you're so much like your father, who turned out to be a homicidal maniac, so I really don't want you around, especially if you're just gonna be whining the whole time."
"Okay," had Jukebox's voice suddenly become deeper?
"So no hard feelings about the whole murdering you thing?"
"And you will take care of the evil badger while I sit back and watch it rip you to shreds… I mean, while I go on vacation?"
Now Cheese-Crackers, who had been pacing around the crashed car, turned to look at his victim. Here is and inventory of what he saw:
'Long pause. Crickets chirping'
The evil badger had just eaten Jukebox, and was grinning hungrily and Cheese-Crackers. The former Dead Guy (the group of people who ran around doing stupid things and nearly getting themselves killed) glanced up at the large cliff next to him and saw a group of Dink-Dinks watching eagerly.
"Hey," he called up to them. "I thought this thing would only eat Jukebox!"
"Dink Dink Dink Dink Dink Dinkdink," explained the Dink-Dinks, which roughly translated to, "But we feel like killing you too, and the rest of the world, because you all talk too much. Losers!"
Several very bloody minutes later, the badger grinned over Jukebox and Cheese-Crackers' remains (nothing). If all you had to do was eat a couple of morons like these, taking over the world was going to be fun. He just wondered why nobody else had done it yet…