This story came out of thin air, and was inspired by lists on and 50 Things Draco's Not Allowed To Do Anymore. Besides that, I decided there were too many Ginny diaries and not enough of Draco.
Disclaimer: I own
this crazy plot, but nothing besides that.
Slytherin Head Boy's Dormitory
Let it be known that had I had my wand at the moment, the Muggle-loving witch who handed me this book would have been Avada Kedavra-ed out of the window. Sadly, she had taken it before. I must suppose she was expecting this.
My name is Draconis Alexander Malfoy. I am, at the moment, sixteen years old and in my seventh year at the pigsty of a school they call Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. (See? They even put it in the title.)
My Mindstreamer, this awful blonde who wears pink every day and is called Melissa Slutsky (Oh, I had a laugh about that one) insists I must have one of these. She called it a journal.
I detest her, and I plan to stick slugs in her bed as she sleeps.
But Mother told me that I absolutely had to spend at least the last year of Hogwarts with her, seeing as Lucius (my father) was just recently thrown into Azkaban, the Wizarding prison. I did this, seeing as she also promised me half of the fortune Daddy dearest left behind, so that I may move out of the Manor as soon as all of this is over.
The Barbie Doll Slut (Don't be so surprised. Know thine enemies is a Malfoy saying, and so I was forced into Muggle Studies) has also put some kind of Indestructible Charm on this book. She warned me not to try to Avada this book, at least, as the spell would bounce off and hit the nearest object. What does she take me for? A Weasley?
I'd use Reducto, of course.
Still in Head Boy's Dorms
Have decided that from now on, hair gel is for losers. This has nothing to do with the fact that I left every single bottle but one at home and Mother seems to be refusing to send me any, although the one bottle is just about finished.
Blaise (Zabini) and I were sitting in my room, plotting the demise of Potter, when Crabbe and Goyle lumbered in. They knocked over all my stuff, including this bottle of perfume I was thinking of sending my aunt Tonks (She hates her first name, Nymphadora). It smells of lilacs, which has got to be the most awful smell in the world.
And now my whole room smells like it, as do I.
If I Avada-ed Crabbe and Goyle, would anyone notice?Sunday, September 7
Hiding in the Slytherin Common Room
The Mudblood must DIE.
First she practically broke my nose in third year, called me a foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach (I do not resemble an insect in any way), made the twitchy ferret comment (Malfoys do not twitch) and now this!
I was just walking down the hall, being my usual courteous self when Granger comes along. I thought she was a giant tumbleweed at first.
"Malfoy! You can't tell the first years that there are free unicorn rides being given out in the forest!"
I shrugged, and told her to mind her own business, just as Weasley and Potter walk up. She had to have her boyfriends come and help her. They demanded to be allowed to castrate me, and she declined. At least she has some sense. They'd screw it all up, if that Slug incident with Weasley was anything to go by.
So I was just whispering it to a few more of the brats when something hits me from behind, and Granger tells me to stop that.
And I did!
I thought she'd used Imperio on me at first, but it was just a Will-Weakening spell. Needless to say, all the first years ran off as soon as Potter and Weasley made me do this little dance. I looked like a chicken.
Then the Weaselette comes around the corner, and she looks at me weirdly before telling her brother and the Boy-Who-Will-Die-At-My-Hands off. As soon as I could stop dancing, I glared at her and told her I didn't need her help. Apparently, she didn't know about the spell. Because she said three little words…
Oh, no, there's no way in hell I'm telling you. The Barbie Doll Slut reads this, you know?
My lips are still sealed, you petty little thing.
"Kiss my ass."
SHE SAID THAT! OF ALL THE—SHE COULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING ELSE AND SHE SAID THAT?
And I kissed it.
Over her robes, EEW!
Ah, but you should have seen Weasley's face! This will keep me going for a long time. Sadly, Blaise and Pansy rounded the corner at the same time. Blaise is still laughing, which is why I'm hiding still. I wonder if Pansy's still sobbing with wild abandon?
I nearly killed Granger, though, after I dragged her away and made her take of the spell. She was apologizing like the flood, though, and I'm happy to say I left her with another Tooth Enlarging charm. Lord knows she needed it.
Granger with straight teeth? I was being tempted, but the poodle on her head swayed me.
Although I nearly pissed myself laughing at the Weaselette's face. When I looked up, I thought her head was on fire before I realized she was just blushing.
Here's Blaise. He's still laughing. Thank the entities this armchair is large and out of the way. I can't even go to my dorm. People would see me.Monday, September 8
I was sorely tempted to kick Potter's head in, but unfortunately, Flitwick spotted me scooting closer and charmed my seat back across the room.
Potter laughed. I charmed his face to look like an old man's. I am sufficiently satisfied, especially seeing as the midget that is our teacher decided this was an ingenious use of the charm and awarded points. Fool.
But Potter's sending something around. A note. I wonder what it is?
I now have an official To-Die List.
3)Every single Weasley in the world
4)Every single Gryffindor in the world
6)All first years
Sadly, that's all I have. Potter's on the list at the very top, having only just succeeded Granger because I found out what he was passing around. It was a list.
Malfoy's Top Ten Disgustingly Cute Names for Draco
1. YOU !#& BRAT!
I am highly offended. But not so much, seeing as I just recently hexed some Ravenclaw student for inventing the damn thing. On the plus side, Potter now has liver-spotted hands to match his face.
Interesting. The Weaselette seems to have surpassed the normal brain capacity her family is prone to. She's in this class. And she's good.
And I'm partnered with her.
Snape has made number eight on my To-Die List.
It was actually a very good partnership. She blushed like the fury and got the ingredients, shoved some of them my way, and we worked in quiet. I may think of adding her to my harem. Merlin knows I'm handsome enough for another girl.
I have just finished a session with The BDS. She read what I've written, snapped the book shut, pursed her lips and goggled at me.
"Why, Draco, I never knew you thought of me that way! A Barbie Doll? Do I really?"
She has replaced Potter on the List. She's just that annoying, and get this; she put her hand on my knee while she was talking, looked into my eyes and said;
"Draco, we must get to know each other better. It will surely help me as we delve into your mind." The fact that she was also stroking my leg with her foot didn't escape me.
The-Man-Who-Let-The-Boy-Live should have done a better job slaughtering Muggleborns before he died.
Blaise has been on my nerves nonstop about the kissing arse thing. He's also, consequently, told all the Slytherins. This is why he is currently locked into a storage closet just outside of the Hospital Wing that, coincidentally, won't open for any spells and is soundproofed.
But because Slytherins are Slytherins, the whole school knows. I must now think of ways to kill myself. Preferably, death by Voldemort, but the freaking idiot had to go get himself murdered by Potter. However, I can still make a list for his next resurrection.
Slytherin Common Room, sitting on couch
I could Apparate in and out of his room really quickly. Nonstop for an hour.
Or I could eat his pet snake. And offer him some.
I'll steal, snap and bury his wand. And just for the hell of it, I'll tell him Lucius did it. I just asked Blaise for some ideas when he walked in (damn spell, must have been timed), and he looked over what I had written before grinning inanely.
"Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy to the cause."
I decided I liked him better in the closet, and put him back. Theo (Nott) had an actual suggestion. He laughed, of course, when I told him I kept the journal, but then I threatened to show those blackmail photos of him and he complied readily.
He said I should walk a few paces behind Voldemort and spray everything he touches.
Seriously, though, if you sleep with a teddy bear and someone gets photos, how do you expect to live happily after that?
Merlin save us all.
Our Muggle Studies class has been turned into a Dance class. Which means we have to dance. And we're partnered.
I'm upset, in case you haven't noticed.
The lists are being posted at the end of class. For now, we are allowed to mill about. The Weaselette's in this class too, but so are a bunch of other sixth years. She's stuck something white into her ears. I can hear voices coming from it.
Granger saw me watching and in an attempt to gain my forgiveness (Or maybe because I threatened to tell everyone about what she did at the Prefect's End of The Year Party last year) she told me what it was. A Muggle contraption called an I-Pod, and it sends music into her ears. The girl Weasel's managed to rearrange the structure and put some Wizarding materials inside it so that it works inside Hogwarts.
So she is smarter than her brothers.
I wonder what she's listening to?
She's sitting in front of me, so I leaned over. It says 'Mexican Wine' on the little screen of a white thing shaped like a rectangle in her hands. Which are rather slim, I've seen her mother and it's come as a surprise.
And she's writing down the words on a piece of paper too. I'm pretty sure it's a Muggle song, then, listen:
"He was killed by a cellular phone explosion
They scattered his ashes across the ocean
The water was used to make baby lotion
The wheels of commotion were set into motion
But the sun still shines in the summer time
I'll be yours if you'll be mine
I tried to change but I changed my mind
Think I'll have another glass of Mexican wine."
That's all she had down before she starting talking to that Creevey fellow. He has buggy-out eyes, honestly.
The Muggles must be mad. So far, the Weaselette has listened to "The Future Freaks Me Out", "Go Hippy", "Life of A Salesman", and "Bubble, Pop, Electric". She has no sense at all.
And the words, which she writes down, are all the more weirder.
"I'm gonna give you all my love in the backseat"
Eh. I'm starting to feel sorry for her brothers. No, sorry for her. She has six older ones. How is she supposed to live happily?
Finally. The lists are posted, and copies are being passed around. Scrolling down…
Hah, Blaise got paired with a Patil twin. Parvati, I think. At least she looks ecstatic about it. Blaise looks like he'd rather be partnered with Pansy. Weasley (the male one) has Lovegood, and Potter's with Granger. Where's mine…?
Slytherin Head Boy's Dormitory
I nearly passed out after class. Blaise had to half-drag me to my room. I can't believe this—this is an outrage! I refuse to go to class! I've been paired with—
Oh, you thought I was going to tell you? Well, I'm not.
I really am not. I'm going to go play Exploding Snap with Theo instead.
He's not here. Still not spilling.
7: 15 PM
If Voldemort doesn't hurry up and reincarnate his arse the hell back I may have to dirty my hands and kill myself.