A/N: Hah! I love this story! Hope you will too. (Also, I don't know when this is supposed to or not supposed to be happening, so it's AU.) It would help to have seen Hidalgo to understand part of this. Plus: I know the name is Darth Sidious, but….
Disclaimer: Not my characters, but I sure wish they were! So much fun, it would be.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
Darth Hideous had an idea. A wonderful, awful, legal idea. He was going to have a karaoke contest!
He quickly summoned a red guard to inform Darth Vader of his decision. The other Sith Lord could bring along whatever prisoners he happened to have.
Arriving in the large ballroom Han Solo wondered why the heck they had one on the Imperial Cruiser anyway. Certainly, Darth Vader didn't dance! He tried very hard not to imagine what that would be like.
"Welcome to my karaoke contest," Darth Hideous wheezed causing everyone to wonder if he could even sing anyway. "Let the games begin!" Nothing happened.
Darth Vader surveyed the group of people he'd dragged along. There was the princess, the Corellian (what is that anyway?) pilot, the Wookiee, the bounty hunter, and the blond kid dressed in black. Also there were, Darth Vader noticed in surprise, several people he had certainly not invited. These were the apparitions of two Jedi: Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi. How did they get here!
"You!" the black robed Sith Lord cried, pointing to Lando Calrissian who jumped.
"Sing!" he commanded the shocked man.
"I can't sing!" cried Lando ignoring the fact that Han was sticking his tongue out at him.
"This was never part of our agreement! Nor was giving Han to this bounty hunter!"
"Umm, never mind."
"I am ordering you to sing. Pray I don't order you to dance."
Lando immediately hurried to the microphone and began to sing Amazing Grace. He had a good voice, but he would've sounded better had he not been so nervous about Darth Vader's threat.
When Lando was done, Darth Hideous proposed that Lando choose the next victim. He turned to Han. "I'm sorry. They arrived before you did," he said sadly.
"Yeah, I'm sorry too," said Han though he was thinking more of how he could possibly not embarrass himself in front of Leia (though he'd never admit this in a thousand years). Han stood at the microphone for about two minutes (which felt like five light years) until he finally said, "Aww, I can't sing with everybody looking at me."
Chewie gave an amused, gurgling bark.
"Laugh it up fuzz ball! You didn't see us in the south passage. She... hold on that doesn't make any sense..."
Of course everyone was staring at him. So he decided to get it over with and sang All Star really quickly then socked Lando a good one in the jaw.
The decrepit, wrinkly excuse for an emperor reminded Han that he had to pick the next singer. Chewie barked and raised his hand. "Well, I didn't want to speak for you, buddy," Han told him. "It's gunna be tough."
Chewbacca the awesome Wookiee took the microphone and began to belt out a song full of barking and howling. He sounded like a dog on the full moon. Han started laughing.
Everyone stared at him. Again.
"You will tell us what is so funny," Darth Hideous informed him. He didn't use any Jedi mind tricks, even if it sounds like he did.
"Oh, you don't want to know," said Han, suddenly going all serious.
"Excuse me, sir, but I do think you'd better. Surrender is perfectly acceptable in some circumstances. Perhaps the Empire will be gracious enough to--"
Leia switched him off.
She then sighed and because she was so sick of standing there doing nothing, she volunteered to sing.
Leia took the microphone from Chewie. She cleared her throat then sang:
There is something that I see
In the way you look at me:
There's a smile there through tears in your eyes.
In an unexpected way
On this unexpected day
Could it be this is where I belong?
It is you I have loved all along!
And so on until she had finished It Is You (I Have Loved). Everyone actually clapped and said she was brilliant. Actually it was Obi-Wan who said that and everyone stared at him because he was sounding strangely British (or Scottish, or U.K.-ish).
"Hey," says Mr. Cooke's voice from the background, "Is there a 'Harrison Ford' in this movie?" Everyone chose to ignore him.
Now Luke stepped up to the microphone.
"Hmm…" hmmm-ed Darth Vader, "we shall now see whether this kid of mine has any of my musical talent!"
"Hey! I'm your kid, too!" cried Leia indignantly, then fell to wondering why she wanted to parade this fact.
"Wait—you can sing?" asked Han, amazed. "How can you sing if you can barely talk or breathe?"
Darth Vader advanced angrily on the brown-haired pilot. It seemed to everyone like Han's life was about to come to a premature end, when the Sith Lord stopped and said, "Well, as you're all about to die anyway, I guess it can't hurt."
Uh oh…! Everyone thought as they realized Darth Vader was going for the microphone. Pressing a button on his chest plate, Darth Vader caused music to suddenly fill the room. He began to sing along with it an entirely un-Sith Lordy song: Best Years of Our Lives.
The song ended. Everyone stood there shocked beyond belief, not making a sound. In the silence, Luke, who was kind of slow on the uptake--being blond, said, "Waaaaaait. We're going to die?"
Growling, Darth Vader stepped toward his son who obviously inherited none of his height or freaky-ness.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Luke screamed a very un-Jedi-like scream and ran away.
"Hey!" cried Qui-Gon, sounding kind of hoarse because he hadn't used his vocal cords in a while. "Pick on somebody your own size!"
This sounded very cool, but Qui-Gon suddenly realized the disadvantages of being the only other big, tall person in the room.
Darth Vader smiled evilly under his helmet. Or he might have been yawning for all we know. Either way he advanced upon Qui-Gon's spirit with a determined step.
"Oooooh great…" groaned Qui-Gon, looking cowed.
"Hey!" said Obi-Wan. "Pick on somebody your own age!" Darth Vader looked at his former master with an eyebrow raised, silently cursing the fact that his helmet hid all facial expressions. Qui-Gon took the chance to run away.
"Darth Vader! You're scaring all the guests away!" Darth Hideous accused, looking strangely angry for a prune.
"Sorry, my master."
"Good. Goooooooooood, you have done---wait! You haven't done well. Let's try again: Bad. Baaaaaaaaaad, you have done bad… that sounds kind of dumb…oh well, pick the next singer."
"Of course, my master… you! You're the closest to my age so I pick on you!"
The ginger haired Jedi master jumped almost a foot in the air. "M-me?" Obi-Wan squeaked. "But I'm sixteen years older than—"
"Yes, you, Obi-Wan Alexander Hezekiah Alec Guinness Ewan McGregor Kenobi!" Darth Vader thundered.
"How do you know my full name?" Obi-Wan asked, going pink as everyone laughed. "Unless…MOM! DID YOU TELL HIM?"
There was a pause while this echoed around the now silent room.
"Oh, wait." Obi-Wan remembered that he didn't even know who his mother was.
Suddenly it was Obi-Wan's turn to have an evil idea. "If you make me sing," he said slowly, "not only will your eardrums regret it, but I will tell everyone your middle name."
Everyone watched, fascinated, as this sunk in.
"Blackmail!" yelled Darth Vader angrily. "This is BLACKMAIL!" Then he suddenly dropped to his knees before Obi-Wan and begged, "Please, please don't tell anyone. Please!"
The Jedi's blue-green eyes lit up at the sight of Darth Vader cringing on the floor at his mercy. "Know what?" he said. "In revenge for you killing me, I think I'll tell them anyway."
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Darth Vader, covering his ears to block out the sound of Obi-Wan's voice.
"His full name is ANAKIN SALVATOR SKYWALKER!" Obi-Wan proclaimed.
"Wait," said Luke. He had come back from his hiding spot and was having another blond moment. "Doesn't that mean his initials spell—"
But before he could finish stating the obvious, Darth Vader, in renewed vigor, had Obi-Wan on the floor and was sitting on him to prevent escape.
"Anakin!" Obi-Wan gasped. "I can't…breathe…" Darth Vader moved so he was only sitting on Obi-Wan's knees. "Now I can't feel my feet," the Jedi Knight griped.
"Aw cummon, my circulation's bad already…"
"You're not that old. Besides, you went back to being 38 after you died."
"No buts. Now, have you all ever seen Hidalgo?"
"Yes!" was the collective answer. No one actually had, but even Luke knew they had to play into Darth Vader's will.
"Good. Now does everyone remember the part were the part Indian-cowboy guy is trapped by that one girl's dad?"
No one present knew what he was talking about, but they didn't show it.
"Goooooood. My, I'm starting to sound like my master! Anyway does everyone remember what the girl's dad was going to have his servant do to the cowboy guy…with a knife? Well, lightsabers work better…"
Chewie, who had seen the movie (because he felt a certain affinity to furry animals-horses included) suddenly realized what was going on and told Han.
"Man, I am soooooo glad that's not me!" said the mercenary pilot.
Chewie hit him over the end for not being understanding. Han slumped over onto the floor, knocked out. Ooooooooooops barked Chewie. He then took matters into his own hands (paws?).
Chewbacca the nine-foot-tall Wookiee pushed Darth Vader off of Obi-Wan and threw the darkly robed Sith Lord out of the door where he landed with a clatter in the hall.
"Thanks man!" gasped Obi-Wan. "I owe you, but…just what is it you saved me from?"
Chewie barked a thoroughly detailed explanation. "Oh…my…" groaned Obi-Wan after C-3PO translated the Wookiee's speech. The ginger haired Jedi was then rendered unconscious without any help from Chewie.
"Han?" asked Leia, shaking him, 'Are you Okay?"
"He's dead!" cried C-3PO, jumping to the worst conclusion at once.
Han groaned and sat up, rubbing his head. "What hit me?"
"Aaaaaaaaah!" cried Luke. "The dead has come to life! We're doomed! Zombies!" He ran away, screaming.
"Ok, seriously, I am wondering who the heck you guys' mother is because Darth Vader doesn't run around screaming," said Han, expressing the thoughts of everyone present.
"Mesa here!" cried Jar Jar Binks, appearing out of thin air.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" screamed Darth Hideous, and, showing extreme agility for one so, well, hideous, he ran out of the room, tripped over Darth Vader in the hall, and yelled even louder.
"Oh, my God," groaned Han, a hand over this heart. "Cardiac arrest. Cardiac arrest."
"Woah, woah, woah!" said Qui-Gon, shaking his head. "Don't worry; Darth Hideous is most definitely not Luke and Leia's mom. He's a guy, okay?"
"Breath. Breathing is the key," Gimli told Han, who was laughing so hard he sounded a bit like Darth Vader.
"The ability to speak does not make you intelligent," Qui-Gon Jinn informed the hairy dwarf.
"Do you wish to settle this with my axe!" cried Gimli, leaping up.
Qui-Gon ignited his green lightsaber.
"You would die before the stroke fell," Legolas said, pointing his bow & arrow at the long haired Jedi.
Leia looked from the red haired dwarf to the blond elf. "Okay, you guys seriously need to get out of here."
"But I wasn't done with the human's breathing exercises!" Gimli complained.
Everyone realized how extremely weird this sounded.
"Eeeeeeew…" groaned Luke, who had recovered from his shock about Han being a 'Zombie,' crinkling up his nose, "You make it sound like he's pregnant!"
Gimli and Legolas disappeared as Obi-Wan, who was conscious again, said, "Okaaaay. We need a new topic of conversation."
"Yeah," everyone agreed.
A/N: How'd you like it? I might add another chapter…if you tell me how much you liked it! (And if you hated it, I'll add extra chapters just to bug you.) Less bad humor in the next chapters, I promise!
To Meg: I am thanking you profusely for actually reviewing my story (Dumb Story)! Glad you liked it.
Everyone—read the stories of Ember Skywalker, Wild Dog 14,and Solo By Choice (me, obviously)!
So far: Ember Skywalker has two Harry Potter stories and one Inu Yasha story. Wild Dog 14 has one story, an HP/SW crossover. Solo By Choice (me) has this story plus two Lord of the Rings stories.