A/N: And lo, unlooked for came a new chapter of this retarded story! Although, I'm sure everyone who was reading this has died or something in last two years… (ulp) That's a long time, isn't it?
Disclaimer: Star Wars belongs to George Lucas (lucky), Marty McFly belongs to whoever thought up Back to the Future, and Doctor Who belongs to the BBC (lucky #).
Chapter Five: Tom Baker and Liam Neeson walk into a bar…
Slowly, the mists cleared. As the group came to, they realized that they had spent the last two years in suspended animation in Darth Vader's ballroom.
"I'm hungry," Han announced to the world. The world didn't care, actually. Nor did anyone else in the room.
"Woah," said Marty, sounding awed. "That must've been some gooood weed…"
"Oh my God!" cried Luke.
"Don't worry!" Leia quickly intervened. "We weren't actually high for two years!"
"Not that," Luke clarified. "That!" He pointed. The others leaned forwards in curiosity and instantly regretted it.
The…thing…on the floor moved, slowly and vaguely, and began to rise like some horrid, primeval life form just emerging from the mud pit of its creation. It was wrinkly and grey.
"Whuuut…?" said the Emperor intelligently.
"Ew!" yelled Luke, "It spoooooookkkeee!" He, predictably, ran away.
"And they shall be among the people," muttered Doralee. "And they shall speak truths and whisper secrets."
"Yeah, like 'shut up'," Han proclaimed irritably because he was still hungry. He made to shove her into the hall, noticed that the door had disappeared, and shoved her instead into a convenient vortex just passing by.
Thing were quiet again. Not surprisingly, they did not remain like that for long.
"I'm bored," whined Luke who was done freaking out about the Emperor.
Everyone tensed, remembering past horrors invoked by that phrase.
This time nothing happened.
Well, sort of.
"Hey, we could play sabbacc," suggested Lando, with much eyebrow waggling.
"No," said pretty much everybody except Han.
"Excuse me!" said a loud voice before anyone could make another suggestion. "How about thanking the people who got you out of this mess?" The speaker was a buxom red head with a glare of the sharpest ego-piercing daggers.
"He-ey, gorgeous," began Lando, in full charm-mode.
The woman knocked him out before he could get any further. "I am Donna Noble," she told them, "and I was never here…" She evaporated, then condensed into a cloud out of which rained three men, the actual saviors of the Star Wars characters.
Even though everyone should have been used to random weirdoes appearing, they boggled intelligently.
The one in the Navy blue blazer blinked. The one in the kilt put his hands on his belt and tried to look tough. And then one in the scarf grinned maniacally and asked, "Would you like a jelly baby?"
Han took one because they were food. Everyone else just looked confused.
"Doctor!" exclaimed General Veers. "You will not escape me now, and I shall sell my false copies of the Mona Lisa!"
"Walter Donovan!" exclaimed Han, "I knew you'd sell your mother for an Etruscan vase, but to sell your soul to the slime of humanity!!"
"This. Is. Retarded," noted Duggan and punched Veers in the face. He turned back into Julian Glover and they both disappeared.
"Anyway…" said Wedge, for the sake of participating in this story.
Well said barked Chewie. Obi-Wan applauded.
"OKAY!" cried Leia because she didn't like it when things got out of control. "There are too many people here to keep track of!"
So she used her mad Jedi skillz to banish them, but it only worked on the droids.
Meanwhile, a couple feet away, Hobbie had decided to be polite and discover who these their saviors were. The rest started to pay attention because this was important.
"I'm Harry Sullivan," said the guy in the blazer. All you need to know about Harry is that he's a Navy Doctor, he's very British, and he is sick of people confusing him with that obnoxious Potter brat already!
"Ahm Jamie McCrimmon," the Scot announced next.
"You're wearing a skirt," Luke snickered because he is a dork.
"It's no' a skirt, it's a kilt!" cried Jamie, incensed.
"Why are you wearing it, then?" asked Luke, taking the opportunity to flaunt his utter lack of knowledge about the universe.
Jamie decided to act out of character since everyone else was too. "Tae flash ye wi't," he deadpanned.
Luke gave a manly shriek and ran away to reclaim his corner.
"I am the Doctor," said the Doctor, interestingly enough. "And since there appears to be no way out of this room, I suggest we find some way of amusing ourselves."
"STRIP POKER!" yelled Wes.
"Oh, hell, no," Wedge protested, but everyone else actually thought it was a good idea.
Well, everyone except Chewie and Harry.
"Eh heh heh…an excellent suggestion…" cackled Palpatine, rubbing his hands together in glee.
"Not with you!" the group unanimously agreed and threw the Emperor out the window.
Once the rules of simple Texas Hold 'em had been explained and Doctor had cleared the pointless crap in his pockets off the table where he had dumped it while looking for cards, the game began. Since, contrary to the beliefs of people who put it on TV, poker is boring to watch, we'll fast forward a bit…
The Doctor beamed madly as he spread his cards out on the table. "Best hand, gentlemen," he proclaimed as Han groaned theatrically. "Pay up." With much grumbling, everyone else removed an article of clothing.
Chewie woofed a question from the other end of the room since he wasn't playing. "The kid, obviously!" Han told him. Luke glared, but it was pretty obvious that he was losing, though Marty wasn't doing much better. The Doctor and Han were pwning everyone out of the water. Had there been water, which there wasn't. We asked Harry and he checked.
Since Leia wasn't really interested in seeing her brother naked, she really thought the game could be going better.
And now for some highlights of the game:
"Jewelry do not count as clothes—someone tell her jewelry don't count as clothes!"
"By that logic, neither do belts, Luke."
"How do you like them apples?!"
"You had better not be using Jedi mind powers…"
"Ahm no' tekin' it off an' tha's final!"
"I wouldn't push the matter, Wes. I'm sure it's not much of a sight, anyway…"
"Och, Solo, Ahl have ye know…"
"I'll see your trousers and raise you my braces."
"I was bluffing."
"Do you think we should revive Lando so he can join?"
"Hobbie…I like winning."
"See, those are trousers."
"No, they're pants!"
"No, those are pants."
"Hey, do you mind?"
"Oh, sorry, old thing…"
And much of the same. In the end, the results were expected: the Doctor won, Han came in second, Wes showed off a lot, and everyone was vaguely scarred. Luke, Marty, Jamie, and Wes had come off worst.
It hadn't really been that fun, but everyone was devoutly glad that Vader had mysteriously disappeared before the game began.
However, as they got dressed again, and Wes and Hobbie were coming up with an ingenious plan to feed the Doctor's argyle socks (which, along with his Stetson, scarf, and shoes, had been all he's lost in the game) to Palpatine whenever he inevitably got back from his sojourn outside, Vader said, "Oh, you're done?" and crawled out from under the table.
And everyone was extremely disturbed.
In other news, Qui-Gon was getting very tired of being totally forgotten as a character, so he began to complain about it. Loudly.
"My dear fellow!" cried the Doctor. "Isn't it clear that now I've turned up, your usefulness has become obsolete? I mean, one can only have so many old, wise, terribly good looking mentor-types in one story, you know!"
Qui-Gon shot a death glare at Obi-Wan and Han who were snickering pointedly.
The Doctor beamed and, putting an arm around the dead Jedi's shoulders, lead him into the TARDIS. "Have you ever been to Bandragenous V? It's terribly boring—I say, it'll be nice to travel with an equal for once…" The police box disappeared. Luke boggled at it like he'd never seen such a phenomenon before.
At this point, Palpatine the prune of doom, crawled back in the window. Wes and Hobbie fed him the Doctor's socks, which apparently had a bad effect because the Emperor fell down again. Or that could be because Han pushed him.
Lando sat up, rubbing his jaw. "What about a game of cards?"
Harry glared at the air where the TARDIS had disappeared. "He can't just leave us here, Jamie. I mean, that's just not cricket!" Predictably, a wicket dropped from the ceiling on his head and he fell over.
"Play nice," Leia warned the ceiling, which groused. Chewie caught the grouse and sautéed them with mushrooms. They all partook of the feast, except Harry (who was unconscious), Vader (who was sulking), and Obi-Wan (who was dead).
For an after dinner show, the vortex deposited the Master and Peri Brown. "I am the Master," he informed them greasily.
"I don't care," Peri declared, "because I can scream louder than you!" She demonstrated, and the vortex sucked them back in, leaving the heinously loud sound ringing in everyone's ears.
Luke decided to join in, for some reason. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" he cried as he ran in circles.
"Whist, man," Jamie groaned, covering his ears.
The TARDIS materialized again and Luke ran into it and was knocked out, which was starting to happen with alarming frequency.
The doors opened and out stepped the Doctor and Qui-Gon, followed by an irate blonde in a pink jacket. The Time Lord gave the group a wave and promptly passed out. Really, this is getting ridiculous.
Qui-Gon looked apologetic. "We went for Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters," he explained, "and he tried to drink me under the table. Of course, I'm dead, so…"
The blonde kicked the Doctor in the ribs and engendered no response. "Men," she grumbled. Leia nodded sympathetically and the two retreated to an empty corner to commiserate.
A/N: Okay, not sure where most of that came from…
Alien Roxi: Yeah, good!
lightsabers: Well, he would… and I wouldn't say the funniest…but thanks!
Jedi Master Evenstar: Oh, well, I guess you're a Sith Master now, but I hope this update brings you back to the light.
The Space Cadet: Thank you!!
Mutant Goldfish: You can just hear the capital letters. :D