A/N: I'm starting another story. Argh, I know I shouldn't, especially what with the not-so successes of my other "Shakespearean" stories… But whatever. I've wanted to write this for a while so I am. Just a funny, weird, silly Hogwarts version of Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. Not to be taken particularly seriously. Here's what to pay attention to from Book 6: Slughorn. Here's what not to pay attention to from Book 6: Everything else.
Disclaimer: As usual… I own absolutely nothing…
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A Midwinter Day's Nightmare
"Oh, I'm just so excited for the students' production of Pyramus and Thisbe, aren't you, Severus?" Minerva McGonagall said happily to her fellow teacher, Severus Snape, as they sat in the Teacher's Lounge lazily one afternoon.
"I suppose so," Snape said, his face blocked by the Daily Prophet.
"I think it'll be so wonderful!" Professor McGonagall gushed. "The cast will be magnificent, I just know it. And can you believe that this will be a first for Hogwarts? The school has been around for so long; I never suspected for there to be a first when I was working here! Well, I suppose you can't expect there to be plays at Wizarding schools, can you?"
"Mmhmm…" Snape wasn't really paying much attention.
"I have a hunch that even though the students are working without any adult supervision and probably all hate each other because the group is so diverse in terms of houses, this play will be just great!" McGonagall continued, clenching her fists to suppress her giddiness. "Just great…" she repeated to herself.
Snape finally put down his newspaper. "You realize what you just said, don't you?" he said in his lazy, sarcastic drawl.
McGonagall chewed on the inside of her lip for a moment. "Well, I'm just very excited and can't see how I'm going to wait four days to see the wonderful students put on their production."
Snape lifted up his newspaper to his nose once more. "I'm sure it'll go by perfectly quickly," he assured.
Little did they know what was about to go on right in the middle of their precious school…
00 00 00
Hermione Granger was one of the last students heading out the door of her Potions class. But Professor Slughorn stopped her on her way out.
"Hermione," he said.
She turned around.
"May I have a word?" he requested.
A few students looked at her and snickered as they left the classroom, thinking that she was in trouble for something. She was sure to give them a few evil glares as she approached Slughorn's desk.
"Yes, Professor Slughorn?" she said.
"Well, Hermione, I was thinking," Slughorn began. "You're a young woman, and I'm sure boys are on your mind, right? I think I know the boy who's just perfect for you."
"Really?" Hermione was extremely taken aback to be hearing this from her teacher. "Who is it?"
"Draco Malfoy," Slughorn said.
Hermione immediately made a horrible face as though she had just eaten the sourest and most disgusting piece of food while she was being tortured greatly by something very pointy. "Draco Malfoy?" she repeated incredulously. "Professor, pardon me, but are you insane? I'd rather eat a textbook than have anything to do with Draco Malfoy."
"But Hermione, you two are absolutely perfect for each other!" Slughorn cried. "You would make the most wonderful couple, I just know it! Why don't you just go out on one date with him?"
Hermione shook her head. "No thank you, Professor," she said. "I'm very sorry." Without another word, she dashed out of the Potions classroom and all the way to her next class, afraid that Slughorn might follow her, putting curses on her to make her love Malfoy or just force her to go on a date with him, her only other option being expulsion! She shuddered at the mere thought.
00 00 00
Hermione didn't realize she was alone in the Gryffindor Common Room, reading by the fire that night. It was a chilly night, and the warmth of the fire warmed her from the inside out. There was nothing she liked more than reading a good book by the fire on a chilly night. And that was exactly what she was doing.
She heard someone sit down at the couch a few feet away from the chair she was sitting at. She looked up and laid eyes upon her one true love: Ron Weasley. She had had a humongous crush on him, and every time she saw him she hoped and prayed that he would ask her out. But unfortunately, the day had yet to come.
"Hey, Hermione," he said, meeting her gaze.
"Hey, Ron," she replied. "What are you doing down here?"
"Actually, I wanted to ask you something," was his answer.
Hermione's head was screaming. But, "Really? What is it?" was all she said.
"Well… I was wondering if you wanted to… go to Hogsmeade with me the next Hogsmeade weekend…"
Hermione's head was screaming louder. "Yes! Yes of course!" she answered very loudly.
"Great!" Ron said, jumping up, a huge grin plastered upon his freckly face. "This is awesome!"
Hermione jumped up out of her seat, as well. "Yes, it is!" Without thinking she threw her arms around Ron.
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Draco Malfoy had come to the realization that there was nothing he could do about it. He was simply in love. He was in love with a Mudblood, no doubt, a Mudblood that he had loathed and hated and spent his entire life hating, yes, but nevertheless he was in love.
Love, what a painful thing.
He just had to make sure that no one found out.
"Hi, Drakie!" someone squealed, pouncing on him.
Once again: Love, what a painful thing.
"Hi, Pansy," Draco groaned.
"What are you doing?"
"Sitting in the Common Room by myself. Alone. With no one else," he responded dully.
"But I'm here!"
"My point exactly," he grumbled under his breath.
Pansy sighed and lay her oddly big head on Draco's shoulder. He shifted uncomfortably.
"Oh, Draco, I love you," she said, for what must have been the fiftieth time that day.
"Well I love a Mudblood…" he thought.
00 00 00
"The cast of Pyramus and Thisbe. Is everyone here?" Dean Thomas began the first meeting of the cast of the production that was going up in a mere four days. They were all gathered in a small classroom for a brief portion of their lunch break. He looked upon the cast and got no response from them. "Alright," he announced, "I'll read off the names one by one and you'll tell me if you're here or not." He pulled out a piece of parchment from his bag. McGonagall had dubbed him in charge of this play, so he was going to take it seriously. "Harry Potter."
"Yes, I'm here," Harry said. "What part am I down for?"
"Um… It says here you are to play the part of Pyramus," Dean informed him.
"Hmm… Alright, then," Harry reacted. Then, after a beat, "Who is Pyramus?"
"Pyramus is a lover that kills himself for the sake of his love," Dean explained.
"Seamus Finnegan?" Dean called before spotting Seamus sitting next to Harry. "Seamus, you are to play the part of… Thisbe…?"
"Who's Thisbe?" Seamus asked.
"The lead female role." Dean sounded confused.
"WHAT? I'M SUPPOSED TO PLAY A WOMAN?" Seamus cried. "You've GOT to be kidding me." He waited for a few seconds. "PLEASE! You're kidding, right?"
Dean shook his head sadly.
"You mean I really have to be a woman in front of the WHOLE ENTIRE SCHOOL?" Seamus shouted in disbelief.
Dean nodded sadly.
"Just let me play two parts," Harry said. "I can be Thisbe, and I'll speak in this little girly voice –" He did so, "'Oh, Pyramus, my love!'" He went back to his normal voice, "– And then I can use a strong manly voice for Pyramus – 'Oh, Thisbe, my lady love!'"
"I'm afraid it doesn't work like that, Harry," Dean said. "These are the parts McGonagall assigned us, and we must use them."
Seamus scowled and Harry pouted.
She was sitting next to Seamus. "Here!" she squeaked.
"Lavender you are to play Thisbe's mother," he said.
"Bla – Blaise Zabini?" Dean was completely surprised to see Blaise's name on the list. He was a Slytherin. And he was friends with Malfoy. Since when was he into theater?
"Yes," he grunted from his spot in the corner of the classroom.
"You are to play Pyramus' father," said Dean.
Blaise had no reaction.
"I'm to play Thisbe's father," Dean read. "And Luna Lovegood. Luna?"
"Oh, yes, sorry," she said. She was sitting in the way back of the classroom, against the wall. She stood up and curtseyed. "What am I to play?"
Everyone looked at her rather confusedly.
"You're to play the Lion."
Immediately Harry burst into laughter.
"Why are you laughing?" Luna asked, puzzled. "That's perfect! I can use my Gryffindor lion hat for a costume!"
"How lovely," Dean said sarcastically. He rolled up the sheet of parchment. "Well, that concludes our meeting for now. Let's meet back in here this afternoon for our first rehearsal."
00 00 00
Professor Trelawney stumbled drunkenly into the Teacher's Lounge as Slughorn sat at an armchair, reading Snape's newspaper and sipping a mug of hot tea that afternoon.
"Well, hello there," he said, not looking up.
She didn't respond. Instead she tripped across the room and sat down at the couch.
"So, what's this I hear about you and Severus?" Slughorn started, still not looking up from the Prophet.
"I beg your pardon?" Trelawney said airily.
"I hear that you fancy him quite a bit," Slughorn informed her as though they were merely talking about tea.
"That is quite wrong," Trelawney corrected. "I feel nothing for Snape save for the strong, evil waves I get from him every day when I pass him."
"Mmhmm…" Slughorn said. He finally put down his paper. "Are you sure they're not sexual waves?"
Trelawney jumped at the mention of something sexual. "Excuse me? This is not appropriate language!" she snapped. "Anyway, I can sense some feelings you have for a certain… Minerva McGonagall…"
Slughorn did nothing but chuckle. He stood up and headed toward the entrance to the room. "You have it quite wrong, m'dear. Quite wrong…"
Slughorn left the Teacher's Lounge and wandered through the halls to his classroom. He had several minutes until his next class. He ran into Peeves along the way.
"Peeves," he said. "I could use your help."
"Yes?" Peeves said, floating toward him, an evil, mischievous grin spread across his transparent face. "What dost thou want of ickle Peevsie?"
"Well, I need your help with a little… spell… shall we say?"
"Yes, yes." Peeves was eager to hear what messes he could cause with a teacher's permission.
"I want you to drop just a little of this potion onto Professor Trelawney's eyes when she is sleeping," Slughorn instructed, taking a vial out of his robes and handing it to the poltergeist. "It will make her fall in love with whomever she first lays eyes on."
"Oooh! This should be a fun one!" Peeves declared.
Slughorn heard some voices coming from around the corner. "Sssh!" he commanded his floating companion. The two peered inconspicuously around the corner.
"Where are you going?" Pansy Parkinson shouted to Draco Malfoy from a few feet behind him.
"I told you already, Pansy; it's none of your business!" Draco shouted, turning to face her. "I'm not in love with you!"
Pansy frowned sadly. "Why not?" she whimpered. "Is there someone else who has your heart?"
Draco sighed out of exasperation. "Please, just leave me alone, Pansy!"
"But I love you, Drakie-poo! I love you!" she shouted.
"Keep your voice down!" he said quickly. "Now, please, just let me go."
Slughorn and Peeves ducked into a classroom as Draco stomped by, Pansy running hurriedly after him. When the students were gone, the ghost and the teacher stepped out once again.
"I'll use the potion for good, as well," Slughorn decided. "Put a little bit of it on Draco's eyes when Pansy is near."
Peeves nodded and saluted him officially. "Yes, sir." He flew off with the vial in his hand.
Trelawney was asleep in the middle of a first floor hallway. Peeves dropped a little splash of the pink liquid over her eyes before dashing off and snickering to himself.
He floated through the corridors, poking just his eyes through each wall from classroom to classroom until finally he found what he was looking for. A perfect student culprit. Right below his peeking eyeballs lay a snoring Ron Weasley, sleeping through what was probably a very important Charms class. He dashed just a bit of the juice onto his eyes without anyone noticing before flying off, cackling loudly, the noise echoing through the halls.
"Poor ickle Won-won," he sang. "I wonder who ickle baby will fall in love with when he wakes up…" He laughed again, screeching through the hallways.
00 00 00
A/N: Yeah, that probably sucked. Well I tried. And it'll be funnier when people fall in love with each other, and what not. So please review! I'll give you a really sharp pair of scissors, like the ones that I have that I LOVE. Haha.