Futurama 5ACV01: Planet Express Hygiene 101
Written by AthEnA1999
Disclaimer: Fry's jacket is red, Parallel Zoidberg's shell is blue, I don't own Futurama, so please don't sue!
Author's Note: This is my second Futurama fan fiction story, and to be honest, I think this is a lot better than the utter crap I wrote in eighth grade. I was planning to write an American Dad story about the same subject, but that went down the drain because I was out of ideas. This works a lot better with Futurama characters! I did put several references to Futurama episodes and comics in this story as well.
By the way, this is not very dirty. Trust me.
One more thing—if you read this, please take the time to review. I would appreciate it.
FUTURAMA: "Did you think a little thing like cancellation would stop us?"
It all began as an "ordinary" day at the Planet Express building. The entire crew (minus Scruffy) was gathered in Professor Farnsworth's parlor. Last week it had been the Accusation Parlor, but this week it had become the "Good news, everyone—I'm docking your pay again" Parlor.
"…and as soon as I am able to pay off the damages caused by my lifelike Godzilla dolls, none of you will ever again receive negative paychecks," concluded the professor. "For now," he added in a softer tone of voice.
"Wait a minute," challenged Leela. "Didn't the city of Tokyo agree to sell their supply of talking toilets to raise money to rebuild their city, and then succeed in doing so?"
From the adjacent bathroom, a voice shouted as if it were choking, "Could somebody get me a plunger?" and then pitifully coughed.
Professor Farnsworth pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Well… yes, but the copyright infringement produced a horrible lawsuit!"
The rest of the crew erupted in groans as the videophone rang from downstairs, in its familiar "Beethoven's Symphony No. 5" ringtone.
"I'll get it!" shouted the professor. "And none of you leave the room!" Mumbling obscenities that were only familiar to himself, he slowly trooped out of the room and down the stairs, slamming the parlor door shut.
As the Planet Express crew attempted to eavesdrop on the conversation, Fry broke the silence. "OK, let's play a game! I spy with my little eye something… green!"
"I've got one for ya," retorted Bender. "I spy with my little eye someone who's pending for a bending!" The robot rolled up his sleeves.
Dr. Zoidberg jumped up and clacked his claws together. "Ooh! I love this game! It's the human, isn't it? I win!"
"Wrong!" said Bender. "It's you!" He grabbed an ottoman under Hermes's feet and lifted it into the air, attempting to smash the lobster.
"Uh oh," said Zoidberg, seeing Bender advancing on him. "Whoopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoop!" he whooped, scuttling out of the way. Bender led him on a frenetic chase through the parlor, which resulted in a lot of crashes and yelps.
Less than five seconds later, Professor Farnsworth stepped through the door, clutching a document and seething mad. Bender dropped the footstool and pointed at Zoidberg, while the lobster pointed at the robot. "He did it!" they both said at the same time.
But the professor was not paying attention to the mass destruction that had occurred in his precious parlor. He glared at the crew, then the note in his hand, then out the door, and then muttered a few more obscenities under his breath.
Being the concerned cyclops she was, Leela hurried over to the professor and placed her hands on his bony shoulders. "All right, professor. Maybe you should take an invigorating trip to the Angry Dome and settle down there."
"NO, DAMMIT!" bellowed Professor Farnsworth. "A, I'm too old for time-outs! B, only I decide when I go to the Angry Dome! And C, I sold my Angry Dome to buy that godforsaken talking toilet!" He shook his fists and let out an exasperated scream, then finally calmed down. "Ooooooooh, that Cubert really boils up my blood and moves my bowels!"
Leela directed him to his leather chair and asked, "What about Cubert?"
"I can't tell you here, not with everyone gawking at me like I'm you!" the professor shouted at Leela. "Everyone… to the Jungle Room!"
Five minutes later, Fry, Leela, Bender, Zoidberg, Amy, and Hermes had gathered in a room that looked as if it had come straight out of the Amazon, with realistic plants and animal noises. Sitting cross-legged on a stone pedestal draped with vines and leopard skins was the professor, who had gone all-out and was wearing nothing but a very revealing loincloth. The human crew members gawked at him, while Bender took a picture and said, "Heeheehee! Hello, blackmail!"
"So… what's going on, Professor?" asked Leela. "Why are you so mad at Cubert?" She made a disgusted face as Professor Farnsworth uncrossed his legs and draped one over the other.
"Why am I so mad at Cubert, you asked?" griped the professor. "Why am I so mad? WHY?" He paused. "Eh, pardon me, my hearing aid must be turned down too low." He fiddled with something in his ear. "Eh, now Leela, you ask why I am so mad at Cubert?"
"Yes," answered the cyclops.
"Well, that call was from Principal Witherbottom of the prestigious Jessica Simpson Institute of Higher Learning, and Cubert has been suspended again."
"He didn't throw salt on Brett Blob again, did he?" wondered Leela.
"He didn't smuggle cherry bombs on top of ice cream sundaes again, did he?" asked Amy.
"He didn't…" Fry began, then paused. "Wait, I have nothing."
"No, no, and no!" grumbled Farnsworth. "He's expelled because he showed up for class in a T-shirt that said 'Homework Sucks.' And I don't blame them—I'd fire an employee for something less than that!"
Fry zipped up his jacket to conceal the phrase "Work Sucks" that he had written on his white tee.
"So I take it you're mad at Cubert for badmouthing homework?" wondered Leela.
"NO!" shouted the professor. "I'm mad at him because he chose to get suspended right before… HYGIENE CLASS!"
Fry appeared confused. "Hygiene… class? Is that where you learn how to wash your hands or something?"
"No," replied Hermes. "Eet's a clahss dat teaches keeds da fahcts of life. What your generation liked to cahll… 'sex ed.'"
"They changed the name in 2020 so parents would allow their children to learn," explained Professor Farnsworth. "Back at that time, parents were iffy about letting their children learn about the birds and the bees, so it was referred to as 'hygiene class' to make it more appealing to them. But I say, let kids learn everything about the beauty of the human body!" He uncrossed his legs, and the crew cowered in disgust. Fry even made retching noises, as if he were about to throw up. "And now he'll never learn about the only thing people can actually use in real life!"
Suddenly, they heard a door opening, and the unmistakable voice of Cubert Farnsworth shouting, "I know you're in here; I could sense the stupidity from two blocks away!"
"And there he is now…" muttered Farnsworth.
A short time later, the crew gathered in the conference room to "welcome" the professor's clone/son. With his piggy nose and obnoxious voice, he was almost as repulsive as the wart from which he came.
"Well, hello, old archnemeses," greeted Cubert in the most condescending tone of voice. "Surprised to see me back so soon? I'm surprised to see you alive."
"If we threw water on him, do you think he'd melt?" Leela wondered fascetiously.
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that, Captain Stretch-Pants," retorted Cubert. "You know, if I were you, I'd wear something that would actually flatter your body. There's a store on 205th Avenue that sells control-top pantyhose. Buy it, and wear it daily." He proceeded on to Fry. "I don't know where to start with you, but I prefer to not exhaust my larynx." Then the redhead glared at Bender. "I have a suggestion for you. BEND; and don't work with these losers. If you were dumb enough to get stuck in this job forever, then learn to work."
"I'll tell you something you need to learn!" shouted Farnsworth. "HYGIENE!"
Cubert's face turned pale. "B-b-but I don't need to learn about it! I got suspended just so I can get out of it… you don't know what it's like being cooped up in a darkened room for hours on end, watching useless videos on why it's wrong to date robots!"
"And don't date robots!" Bender shouted, pointing at Cubert. "It's wrong and unorthodox and immoral and gross!"
"What did you just say, Bender?" wondered Lucy Liu's voice from inside the robot's chest cavity.
Bender glanced at his stomach. "Uh… nothing, sweetiepoo. Just go back to sleep."
Cubert snorted. "I am not watching a bunch of boring movies from fifty years ago, and that's final. I already know about how people are created."
Farnsworth placed his hands on his hips. "Really… how are they created, Cubert?"
"Uh… well, as far as I know… someone takes a wart off their back and places it in a containment capsule full of synthetic placental fluid for a while, and badda bing, badda boom, you've got yourself a human! That's why children look so much like their parents." He crossed his chubby arms and snorted. "Then you can date a robot in your spare time."
The crew members frowned at each other and exchanged glances. Then they all stared at Fry.
"What?" asked the delivery boy. "Do I have to pay for donuts again?"
"No!" shouted the professor. "You and Cubert are going to be enrolled in the Planet Express… HYGIENE CLASS!"
"Me? With HIM?" Appalled, both redheads pointed at each other.
"And why me?" Fry complained.
"Because, eet's a requirement to learn meedle school hygiene before you grahduate," answered Hermes. "According to da clahsses you've taken as a child, you barely pahssed elementary school! You shouldn't even be allowed to work here!"
"Pshuh!" said Fry. "Who needs school when you've got a… uh… what's it called when I go here and take stuff places?"
"A… job?" answered Leela, almost as condescendingly as Cubert.
"Yeah!" answered Fry. "So… when does class start?"
"It's already begun!" exclaimed the professor in a sinister tone. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Then he started coughing. "Oooooh, I'm getting too old for my patented evil laugh!"
Fry and Cubert sat in two classroom desks in the middle of the "Good news, everyone—I'm docking your pay again" Parlor, which had been renamed the "Middle-School Hygiene Learn-A-Tarium." Up front was the professor standing beside a blank chalkboard on wheels, and in the back were Leela, Bender, Zoidberg, Amy, and Hermes.
"Hello, class!" shouted Farnsworth. "And welcome to middle-school hygiene! I am your teacher, Professor Farnsworth!" He turned around to write his name on the board and was bombarded with spitballs. Whirling around again, he saw Fry hastily hiding a straw and a ward of paper from his notebook. "I'll pretend I didn't see that." He forgot about writing his name and continued speaking to his "class." "Now, hygiene is the only subject that has use in the real world—yes, Cubert?"
Cubert had raised his hand. "First of all, professor, I already know who you are. Second, did you have to seat me next to Fry?" He turned to the delivery boy, who was making faces at him.
Farnsworth ignored everything. "Now, Cubert, don't make me lock your desks together. As I was saying, hygiene is the only thing that can be used in the real world because essentially, all humans need to get some." He and the other crew strapped on oxygen masks. "Let me explain this in terms that even an idiot could understand. Sex is like air—it's not important unless you're not getting any!" He pushed a button on a control panel, and suddenly all of the air was sucked out of the parlor. Fry and Cubert groped at their desks, struggling to breathe. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the professor pressed the same button, but no air entered the parlor. There was a lot of flailing and confusion before the crew realized that they could merely open the windows. As precious oxygen flooded back into the room, the two redheads gasped.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" shouted Cubert. "You nearly killed us!"
"Oh well," murmured the professor. "I guess the flesh-eating anteaters will have to eat that hobo I found in my room… flesh-eating anteaters are very picky, you know, and—"
"Just get to the freakin' hygiene part!" interrupted Cubert. "Then I can spend the rest of my suspension away from you dorks!"
"Eh, very well," continued the inventor. "Leela? Hermes? Get up here!"
The cyclops and the bureaucrat exchanged wary glances and followed the professor's instructions. They stood perfectly still at the front.
"Now," said Professor Farnsworth, beginning to enjoy himself, "here is a man, and here's a woman. What's the difference?"
Fry raised his hand. "Oooh! Oooh! Pick me, Mr. Farnsworth! Pick me!"
"Cubert!" exclaimed the professor.
"It's simple, really," replied the clone, sounding scholarly. "Both are idiots, but in different areas. Your whole institution is crawling with them! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm outta here!"
Professor Farnsworth grew angry. He pushed another button on the control panel, and the steel Christmas armor bolted itself onto the exterior of the building. Then the door to the Learn-A-Tarium locked itself shut. Horrified, the other crew members gasped.
"No one is going anywhere until Fry and Cubert learn a lesson in proper hygiene!" demanded Farnsworth. "And then we're going to deliver a package to the Nimbus!"
Fry groaned and slammed his head against his desk.
"Now, what is the difference between a man and a woman? Fry?"
The delivery boy scratched his head. "Uh… uh… I forgot. I had it… it had something to do with cheese, I think…"
"That does it!" shouted the professor for what seemed like the millionth time. "Leela? Hermes? Take your clothes off and see if they can tell the difference! All humans, except for Fry and Cubert, take your clothes off!"
So Leela, Amy, Hermes, and the professor stripped down to their skivvies, and Bender whipped out his camera and took more pictures.
The robot cackled. "Heeheehee… my newsletter is going to be so interesting this month!"
"The Weekly Bender?" asked Zoidberg. "When's the next issue coming out?"
Amy stepped in front of Fry and Cubert, and the four humans stood in a row. Fry stared at Amy and Leela, drooling, while Cubert examined each of them and wondered what the difference was about their underwear.
"I've got it!" exclaimed Cubert, snapping his fingers. "Women wear bras, and men wear tight little briefs that don't seem to leave much to the imagination. And by the way, professor, I think you should get that mole examined."
"Well, it's a start…" muttered the professor. "Uh… but how do our briefs not leave much to the imagination?"
Cubert shrugged. "I've always wanted to say that phrase."
"That does it… on to Phase #2!"
Leela, Amy, and Hermes gasped in horror, then they all frantically pleaded not to get naked, especially in the presence of Fry and Bender.
"It's for education, dammit!" shouted Professor Farnsworth. "I didn't live for 160 years not to show my wang to a class of my uncle and my clone! Now take off that underwear and be quick about it!"
Relentlessly, the four of them removed their undies as well. Out went the camera for Bender, and Fry's eyes stood fixated on Leela and Amy.
"Professor, can we stop? I don't like it when Fry stares at me naked," said Amy. "When we're not going out," she added.
"Well, the difference clearly isn't in their bosoms," deduced Cubert. "Apparently, guys and girls both have them according to what I've seen. Professor, how come guys can't wear bras?"
"One question at a time!" said the professor. "Now, since Fry is staring at Leela and Amy and drooling like a total animal, tell me what the difference is!"
Cubert examined everything more closely and got the answer. "I've got it!" he exclaimed. "Guys have those things you can't see on G.I. Joes, and girls have those other things that you can't see on Barbie dolls!"
"Close enough!" said the professor. "Put your clothes back on before Bender takes any more pictures!"
Hastily, the three others dressed themselves and hurried to the back (much to the disappointment of Fry), where they took the liberty of smashing Bender's camera with an ottoman, while the professor only donned his underwear and resumed teaching. "Now it's time for the second lesson—how to make a baby that isn't a clone! Now, we got naked for a reason. Fry, seeing Leela and Amy in their birthday suits, was rendered stupid and lacking in judgement; therefore, it's easier to make one this way."
"I already know this!" exclaimed Fry. "And I'm… doesn't… stupid! A man and a woman kiss, and if they're lucky a baby grows in the woman's stomach. My theory is that there's a tiny baby in a your spit, and then when you kiss someone she swallows it. But… it's only between a man and a woman because… well, I wouldn't want to kiss a man!"
"Yes, but what if they were gay?" wondered Bender. "Ever wonder why men can't knock up men? Or robo-sexual? Ever think of that? And what's the point of randomly shooting DNA at other humans only to create other humans? Why can't we just have cold, robotic love? Meatbags, allow me to show you this!" Bender ran up to the front of the "class" and unfurled a Playbot magazine. The centerfold was a picture of an Apple computer from the 2980's with a clear cover that exposed every circuit on its motherboard. "This, meatbags, is a robot's reason to get up in the morning! She's a fembot right out of Silicon Valley. She's got disc drives and knows how to use 'em!" He growled.
"We're not robots, stupid!" said Cubert. "We don't lust for stupid, outdated computers."
"That's what's gonna cause the demise of your generation, kid!" exclaimed Bender. "You wouldn't appreciate a sexy fembot if you were lookin' straight at one!" He stormed towards the back, then rushed up to the front. "DON'TDATEROBOTS!" he added brusquely before leaping back into his former seat.
"If I could explain, maybe?" volunteered Zoidberg, standing up.
"What do you know about sex, Dr. Zoidberg?" demanded the professor. "I want you to get up here and tell my class about it!"
"Can do, boss! I'd love to explain for my friends!" The lobster scuttled up to the front and cleared his throat. Then he picked up a piece of chalk in order to write his name on the board, but it broke in half. Zoidberg groaned. "Uh… mating is a very difficult process. On my planet, you mate once and then you die. Females dump their caviar onto the sand, much like a human with diarrhea, they are. Then the males expel their male jelly out of their wazoos onto the eggs, and… I would not know about the rest because sadly, no female wanted to mate with me." His face fell. "Why does no one like Zoidberg? Tell me I'm lovable! Tell me you want to mate with me! TELL ME NOW!" He crowed out, then burst into tears, running into the back corner of the room.
Fry and Cubert exchanged indigent glances.
"Well, now that that traumatizing scene is over," continued the professor, "let's go back to Fry's theory about the spit babies. Now, if you get pregnant from kissing, why do people do THIS!" He opened an old hygiene textbook to a page on which there was a picture of an amphibian wearing a glove, holding hands with a human. Above it, in bold text, a headline read, "No glove, no love!" "Whoops, wrong page!" said the professor, flipping backwards until he came to the traditional picture in anatomical textbooks depicting a cross-section of the reproductive act. "Here we go. Why do humans do this, then?"
Fry shrugged. "I dunno. Gives us something to do while we kiss." He squinted. "What is that, anyway?"
"I can't tell," responded Cubert. "Professor, what is that a picture of?"
The professor examined the picture more closely. "I don't remember," he replied. "All I know was that I bookmarked it in case I had to substitute-teach for a hygiene class, then forgot about it when I developed my quantum-neutrino theory. To me, all of this hygiene stuff is gobbledy-gook, but I know one thing—you can't make babies when you kiss!"
"Then how do you make them?" asked Cubert. "Do you put them together, or what?"
"I tink I know," offered Hermes. "Old Jamaican legend… or at least my theory… says dat babies are grown een a sugarcane field, den a mageecal green snake peeks da sugarcane and takes eet to da store. I tink dat when a woman eats da sugarcane, a baby grows eenside her stomach. Eet's basically da same theory as yours, Fry, only not as seemple."
Everyone looked at Hermes as if his theory was the correct one.
"Well, I think we've all solved that problem," said the professor. "Now, if you don't mind, it's time for us to deliver the package to the DOOP. We can begin our second lesson on diseases and why you shouldn't date robots tomorrow."
"I think I've made that perfectly clear already," said Bender.
Cubert accompanied the Planet Express crew on their mission, much to everyone's disgust. The Nimbus floated through deep space like a battleship through uncharted seas, and inside one of its thousands of rooms stood Captain Zapp Brannigan and his first lieutenant, Kif Kroker. Actually, Kif was the one standing, holding a feather duster and wearing an apron, cleaning the lounge as Zapp lounged on a tacky green couch, eating nachos and watching the 1005th season of Pokémon on a big-screen TV.
"…and that's why you'll never make lieutenant, Kif," the captain finished explaining, stuffing his face with more chips.
The amphibian sighed. "I am lieutenant."
"Stop wasting my time and get me another slushie," commanded Zapp. "And make it cherry this time."
Kif glanced out the window. "Sir, the Planet Express ship is here with your rush delivery of specially-made, velour Lightspeed Briefs. Should I let them in?"
"Nah, don't bother," said Zapp. "Pikachu's just about to send Team Rocket blasting off again!" More munching on chips.
"But captain… Leela and Amy might be with them!"
"Leela?" Zapp's eyes lit up. He leapt off the couch and wiped the crumbs and nacho cheese off of his velour tunic. "Why don't you let them in, Kif! I've been telling you to do so for the past ten minutes!"
Kif groaned, then pressed a button on the control panel. Outside the Nimbus, two enormous steel doors opened, and a platform extended out of the airlock for the Planet Express ship to land on.
"This is the Nimbus," explained Professor Farnsworth, relieved to find something he knew and Cubert did not. "Right now we have a special delivery for Zapp Brannigan. Would you like to meet him?"
"Zapp Brannigan?" Cubert's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. "THEZapp Brannigan? The very same who did those carpet-bombings and fought the geezers of the Assisted Living Nebula and even singlehandedly exterminated the Spiderians? Hell, yeah, I'd like to meet him! Who wouldn't?"
"Don't be surprised if he tries to get into your pants," muttered Leela. "Can't I just wait in the ship? Th—there's plenty to do! The last thing I want is a night of the hippety-dippety with that overstuffed sleazeball."
"Hippety…dippety…" murmured Professor Farnsworth. "Of course!" He attempted to snap his fingers, but his joints cracked. "OoooOoOoOOh! That's going to hurt tomorrow! Eh, I just realized that since Captain Brannigan knows how to sleep with people, he could explain everything to Fry and Cubert!"
"WOW!" exclaimed Cubert. "I can't wait to tell my class that Zapp Brannigan taught me about hygiene! They'll all want to get suspended after this!"
"Ah, nothing like the feel of velour Lightspeeds that makes you actually want to wear underwear!" remarked Zapp after the delivery was finished. "But Leela makes me want to take it off," he added, winking at the cyclops.
"Eh… Captain Brannigan, might I ask a request of you?" asked Professor Farnsworth.
"What is it? I'm a very busy man, you know," replied the captain, removing the glove on his right hand and filing his nails. "The war between good and neutral can't be fought without a captain at the helm."
"Well, captain, we've been trying to teach Fry and Cubert here about middle-school hygiene, but failed miserably. Nobody here knows anything about anything! We figured that you'd be the right person to teach these idiots a thing or two about the facts of life, since you did have sex with Leela…"
Leela coughed scornfully.
"Very well," consented the captain. "I will make sure Idiot and Idiot Junior learn everything there is to know, and then some! Come along, Kif… to the Lovenasium! And bring the movable chalkboard with the colored chalk while you're at it."
Kif sighed, and the professor bade farewell as the four of them trooped off to the Lovenasium.
"Captain Brannigan!" exclaimed Cubert, jumping up and down, then getting tired because he was so chubby. "Captain Brannigan, I'm your biggest fan! I watch your TV show religiously and have every piece of your merchandise! Well, except your lunchbox, which Brett Blob threw into a black hole, but… can I have your autograph?"
"Kif, give him my autograph," said Zapp.
Kif sighed and pulled a piece of paper with the captain's signature on it out of a pocket on his tunic, then gave it to Cubert, who snorted at it but pocketed it anyway.
Then they stopped at two immense doors plated in marble and covered with red-stained glass. The gold doorknobs were even shaped like hearts. Zapp opened them to reveal the Lovenasium, which was about as large as a gymnasium and decorated like the honeymoon suite of a hotel, with statues and paintings of Zapp wherever one looked. Kif wheeled the chalkboard into the center of the crimson carpet, and Fry and Cubert sat on the waterbed, staring at its blank surface intently.
"Whenever you're ready, captain!" said Cubert. "Teach me everything there is to know!"
Zapp stared at his audience. "Uh… well… uh… welcome to the Lovenasium!"
"Captain Brannigan!" shouted one of the Japanese talking toilets from the adjacent bathroom. "For the love of God, no more Mexican food!"
"Uh… heh heh!" Zapp gritted his teeth and quickly closed the door. "So… anyway… uh… why don't we let Kif start?"
Kif shook his head. "I think they want to know about human hygiene, captain," he said. "So why don't you teach them the facts of life? You claim to be an expert on it!"
There was a very long pause.
"This is weak!" exclaimed Fry. "I can't believe we traveled for fifteen minutes just to hear nothing!"
"Uh… I can explain!" said Zapp. He drew a very crude and inaccurate picture of a woman on the chalkboard, then pointed at various parts. "You see here? These are boobies. I find them the most erotic part of a woman. And… uh… this is… uh… this is her mouth, where you can French-kiss her and how she drinks cham-pag-in."
Cubert snorted. "And what does champagne have to do with it?" he interrogated.
"Well… uh… it gets her hammered, and… uh… just… can't I explain with my sex holodiscs? Bring them up from the vault."
"But captain," said Kif, "you got rid of them to make room for the brig, and even then there were only about two, so…"
"Damn!" interjected the captain. "Let me just go to plan C." Out of nowhere, he produced a Barbie doll and a G.I. Joe action figure.
Minutes later, the crew ventured into the Lovenasium to see how the class was doing, and were disappointed to see Fry and Cubert asleep on the bed while Zapp played with Barbie and G.I. Joe.
"Oh Joe, you've made me the happiest girl in the world!" he said in a high-pitched voice. "No, I love YOU, Barbie!" he exclaimed in a deeper voice. Then he smashed the two plastic toys together as if they were making out. He saw the Planet Express crew staring at him, then yelped and threw the toys onto the bed, where they conked Fry and Cubert on the head.
Fry rubbed his head. "Whaaaaa…? What just happened?"
"Two tickets to Massachussetts, please…" said Cubert, still half asleep.
"That's it; we're leaving!" demanded Leela, taking Fry and Cubert by the ears and dragging them off the bed. "You've taught them nothing!"
"What?" said Zapp. "I tried, but I can't explain it in words! Maybe… maybe you and I could…"
"Forget it!" shouted the cyclops. "I'm not stooping so low as to actually sleep with you for the sake of education."
"Then could you do it with me for the sake of… doing it with me?"
Leela stormed out of the Lovenasium, followed by the Planet Express crew. Then Kif chose to leave as well. Zapp glanced around, then began playing with the dolls again.
"Well, it's hopeless!" exclaimed the professor after the crew returned to the Planet Express building that night. "If Zapp Brannigan can't teach Fry and Cubert about the birds and the bees, I don't know who can!"
"Scruffy could," volunteered the janitor. "I know all about the human mating scene." He picked up one of his girlie magazines and paged through it. "You know that .001 percent who actually read the articles? That .001 percent is Scruffy."
"I want to educate them, not scar them for life!" said Professor Farnsworth, sighing. "Oh, well, it looks as if we'll have to…"
Suddenly, the videophone rang, and the professor trooped out of the room, leaving the crew and Scruffy inside the room.
"We still haven't finished playing 'I Spy!'" Fry exclaimed. "I'll start. I spy with my little eye something—"
Professor Farnsworth burst into the room. "I have good news and even better news, everyone! I'll start with the good news. It turns out that Cubert's suspension doesn't interfere with hygiene class after all. They start it next week, right after Cubert's time here ends!"
A buzzing of mixed emotions filled the room—half were relieved that they would not have to put up with this facts-of-life business any longer; the other half were furious that they had to stand nude in front of Fry and Bender.
"But what's the better news?" asked Fry. "Do we all get ice-cream?"
"No!" replied Farnsworth. "I spoke to Principal Witherbottom, and Fry, since you never took the class in middle school, you'll be taking hygiene class with Cubert! Now, isn't that good news?"
That next week, at the Jessica Simpson Institute of Higher Learning…
"Damn you, Professor!" growled Fry, who was stuffed into a desk that could only fit a twelve-year-old.
"Damn you, Professor!" growled Cubert.
And then the teacher—an uptight, fiftysomething woman with pointed facial features and greying hair—entered the room. "Good morning, class!" she addressed them in a clipped British accent. "I am Professor Adams, and welcome to middle-school hygiene." She turned around to write her name on the board and was nearly hit by a spitball. Whirling around, she demanded, "Who was that?"
Fry sheepishly attempted to hide a straw and a crumpled wad of paper, and Professor Adams's response was whacking him on the knuckles with a ruler.
"Ow…" muttered the delivery boy, rubbing his sore hand.
"Now, in this class, the lesson plan states that you children are to learn everything there is to know about the facts of life," said the professor. "Every… single… fact. However, in accordance with the requests of most of your parents, I have chosen to eliminate all sex-related content from this course, and instead… we are going to watch these movies about why it's wrong to date robots!"
"Don't worry," said Cubert, removing his sweater to reveal a "Movies Suck" T-shirt. "I have my ways."
THE END… OR IS IT?
NO, IT ISN'T!
The Planet Express crew, Cubert, Zapp, and all of Cubert's hygiene class had gathered in the Middle-School Hygiene Learn-A-Tarium for a lecture courtesy of… Scruffy! The learnéd janitor, who was actually more intelligent than he had let on, had just finished his straightforward lecture.
"And that's the facts of life," said Scruffy in his rusty-drainpipe voice. "Any questions?"
Everyone stared at the janitor, wide-eyed and shocked, yet at the same time… they felt like they learned something.
Finally, Zapp raised his hand.
"Yes, you. Captain Brannigan," Scruffy said, pointing. "What further facts should I tell you about?"
"Uh… how do I… you know… not get slapped with a paternity suit?"
"Ah, yes," said Scruffy, putting a pipe inside his mouth and smoking it. "Well, gather 'round, my friends, and let me tell you all about protection. You see…"
And so, Scruffy was appointed the new hygiene teacher at the Jessica Simpson Institute of Higher Learning. Fry passed the course… but barely. Cubert received an A minus in the course. (The minus was because he constantly fell asleep during the movies.) Professor Farnsworth managed to pay off the debt for his Godzilla doll, but fell in the financial hole again with his life-sized Mothra action figures. Zapp was slapped with a record fifteen paternity suits in two weeks, and three of the babies were not even his!
So the crew lived happily ever after… at least until the next adventure.
(By the way, Hermes still stands by his "green snakes and enchanted sugarcane" theory.)