Niklas "Hawk" Jonsson
Summary: Naruto, desperately needing advice on how to handle his newly aquired girlfriend, turns to the worst possible source for male-female relationship advice in the Narutoverse. ... Or does he?
Disclaimer: Naruto, Konoha and whatnot are not mine, though I certainly wish they were. The story is mine though, all mine.
If the layout looks screwy or symbols seems to be missing, you're probably reading the quickedit-mangled version of this fic on ff dot net, if it grates on your nerves too much, read it on hawksgalaxy dot com or something.
Feedback/Flames: Yes, please. Both of them are equally fun to read, although I must admit that I greatly prefer the first variety. :)
I can be found on ICQ as 21771860, MSN Messenger/E-mail as iamhawk at yahoo dotcom, though not very frequently as real life lately interferes with my online existance more then I'd like. More stories are available at my nifty lil' site at hawksgalaxy dot com or by clicking on my handle up above.
emphasis/shouts/Kindred Domination/post-hypnotic triggers
This was a vastly different story at first, an angsty/dramatic fic featuring the woes of a guilty Tsunade after accidentally smooching with Naruto after their second fight and subsequently stumbling into a relationship with the much younger Naruto. But whatd'ya know, just when I was pondering if I should spell-check the damned thing and upload it to fanfiction dot net, I came across 'An innocent kiss' while checking recent stories and that featured this very thing, although only after Naruto had grown a little older. But it was still far too much like what I'd written for my comfort...
So, I scrapped the 1.5 chapters I'd written and started all over again.
And for some weird-ass reason, the fic hastily moved away from the darkish twist I had intended to continue with in the rewritten version and instead, it actually became sorta funny! Bad fingers, bad-BAD fingers, for writing shit I never intended for them to write:)
Then again, things do turn somewhat darker and much much naughtier after a while. Very much so. Which is the reason why this fics rating will rise as the fic progresses. From the next chapter on, it'll be R-rated and the rating will probably continue to rise until NC-17-rating is reached somewhere around the fourth or fifth chapter. So, all kiddies should stay away from whatever parts of this that doesn't show up on fanfiction dot net. And if you don't, well, don't come whining to me about your therapy bills later on!
Anyways, when I'm in a darker mood, I might write an alternate version of this fic, taking the path I originally intended for it. But for now, you guys will just have to settle for a very weird mix of sick humour, sexually laden conversations, even more naughty stuff actually happening and parts that most definitively have a darkish/angstish quality to them. In other words, it's just about like everything else I write. ;)
What might be interpreted as OOC behaviour occurs, mainly for Naruto. But considering how gullible, easily enthused and gung-ho he can be about stuff in canon, I'd like to think that it's not OOC per say. Merely how Konoha's loudest Nan might actually behave in that particular situation. The others, well, if I can come up with some good excu... Hrm, explanations, yeah, a couple of good explanations for their OOC behaviour, I'll let you know. :D
Main coupling is Naruto/Tsunade, which shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who's actually read what's written up above. There are a few others in here as well, but those are with one exception, minor and rather one-sided events, though much of the focus in the second and third chapter is on those 'minor' events. One of the couplings is a tad more serious and not as one-sided as the others however. The secondary couplings are Naruto/Hinata, Naruto/Ino, Naruto/Sakura and Naruto/Yuki-hime, for those that are interested in such things.
For those of you that aren't, nyah-nyah! Stop reading my author notes if you don't wanna get some spoilers:D
And for those of you that haven't seen the first Naruto movie or read the first movie manga yet, beware, because there will be spoilers for them up ahead!
Tsunade wiped the tears from her eyes, then leaned down and ever so gently kissed the formerly so vibrant little loudmouth on his forehead, cursing Orochimaru and Kabuto with all her being. She stifled a sob and then, found herself leaning down again, placing another kiss on Naruto's lips. Another sob came and forced itself out, more tears flowed from her eyes despite her best efforts. With a grieving wail, she wrapped her arms around his body and pulled him against her.
"No... No... No... Not again... No..." she chanted. "Dan... Nawaki..." she whimpered, then kissed his corpse once again. /Dan... Oh, Dan.../ she thought, never noticing that this kiss wasn't anywhere near as innocent as the two first. /Come back to me... Dan... Please, don't leave me/ she thought as her tongue slipped into Naruto's mouth.
/Dan. Dan. Dan. Dan. Dan./ Tsunade mentally chanted, never noticing that the 'corpse' was attempting to get away from her. At first, at least. After a few moments, Naruto wrapped his arms around the much older woman and hesitantly started participating in the kiss. Orochimaru was so stunned at the unexpected development, that he never noticed Jiraiya before it was too late. Weakened from the poison and tired from the fight, Jiraiya used a very unusual technique, at least for him. He snuck up behind his former team-mate and slit his throat with a Kunai, letting the corpse drop to the ground.
With a negligent flip, Jiraiya launched the bladed weapon towards the prone Kabuto, penetrating his skull. /Heal that, you bastard.../ he absently thought, looking over at the necking pair with an expression that shifted between disgust and intrigue.
"Hey, lovebirds! Get a room, will ya!" he exclaimed in an annoyed tone of voice. While he was genuinely fond of both of them and had given up any serious hope of ever getting somewhere with his crush on Tsunade a long time ago, it still irked him something fiercely to see her smooching with Naruto of all people!
Jiraiya's voice caused Tsunade to focus on the present instead of her memories of Dan and she opened her eyes, staring with shock straight into Naruto's deep blue eyes, staring into her own with disbelief, confusion and barely restrained heat plainly written all over them. She tore herself away from him with a surprised exclamation, hardly able to believe her own eyes as she noticed that the young man was alive!
"N-naruto! Y-yo-you're alive!" she exclaimed.
"Heh... Y-y-ye-yeah." he stuttered out in agreement, a fierce blush on his face.
"You're... Alive?" she asked again, as if unable to believe it.
"Yeah." he repeated, scratching the back of his head, still sporting a furious blush.
"Naruto, you're alive!" she shouted happily, then pulled him back into a fierce hug, tears of happiness streaming down her cheeks.
This was how it all started and while I would like to claim that it was innocently enough, it certainly wasn't. Frenching with a teenager, doesn't constitute as 'innocently enough' in my eyes...
"What! What is it? Do I have something on my face?" Tsunade grumbled, glaring over at Naruto who had kept sneaking looks at her all the way back to the hotel and was still at it, now when they were on the way back to Konoha. He blushed at having been caught and looked away, shaking his head in denial.
She sighed. She knew that wasn't it. He probably couldn't keep his mind off that kiss, the little pervert. Of course, neither could she, but that was different! After all, she was a responsible adult who knew that she'd done something wrong. It was only natural for her to ponder the incident, wallowing in guilt. It had been so wrong, so irresponsible, so soft, so ni... So wrong! So very wrong!
Yes, wrong, that was it. Not nice at all. Certainly not exciting!
Just because she hadn't been close to anyone, never even hugged anyone but Shizune since shortly after Dan's death and leaving Konoha, wasn't a reason for her to get all weak in the knees over some bratty loudmouth!
"Giving your little boytoy the cold shoulder, Tsunade-hime?" Jiraiya commented with a bemused grin. "Such a..." he started, but was cut off.
"If you want to see the next sunset, I suggest that you shut up now, Jiraiya!" Tsunade growled.
"Naruto-kun?" Shizune whispered, carefully nudging his shoulder. "Why does Jiraiya-sama keep referring to you as Tsunade-samas boytoy and loverboy?" she asked, a question which wasn't answered by anything other then a furious blush and Naruto looking away. "You mean... You are her boytoy? It's actually true!" she hissed, but not quietly enough, as the two Sennin apparently heard her. Jiraiya burst into laughter, while Tsunade suddenly started blushing and spluttering protests, which didn't help her case at all.
"No! It was just an innocent kiss! Well, perhaps not all that innocent, but it wasn't on purpose! Well, I mean, I kissed him on purpose, but not... I wasn't... He isn't..." Tsunade spluttered, then clenched her fists. "Jiraiya, stop laughing this instant!" she bellowed and tilted her head back. "HE'S NOT MY BOYTOY!" she howled to the skies.
"Of course not, Tsunade-sama." Shizune agreed, making soothing gestures. "I believe you. You've never lied to me before! ... Other then when money is involved. ... Or gambling... Or that time when you got that rash... And when..."
"I get the general idea, Shizune." Tsunade snarled, interrupting her assistant and travel companion. "I'm telling the truth, though. He's not my boytoy."
"Then... He's your boyfriend?" Shizune asked with a note of horror in her voice, then took a step back as Tsunade's eyebrows started jumping while she clenched and unclenched her fists.
"Boyfriend!" Naruto exclaimed. "B-b-b-bu-b-but I've never been a boyfriend before!" he protested. "I dunno what to do!"
"Congratulations, brat." Jiraiya said, slapping Naruto's shoulders enthusiastically. "Remember to treat her right, or I'll yank out all your nasal hair, one by one." he added on a more serious note, though the glimmer in his eyes revealed that he wasn't all that serious about it. But since he was looking away, neither of his travel companions saw it.
"But she's so old! I don't want an old lady for a girlfriend." Naruto exclaimed, then took several steps backwards as Tsunade focused a deadly glare at him. "Then again, she is very cute!" he hastily added, causing Tsunade's face to brighten considerably, which also had the effect of teaching Naruto the value of compliments when dealing with the fairer sex. Of course, he had little idea of how to compliment a female, which is why he said what he did next. "Plus, she's got the biggest set of boobs that I've ever seen!" he exclaimed, causing Jiraiya to bend over, howling with laughter, Shizune to self-consciously cross her arms over her own chest and Tsunade to trip, slamming into the ground and causing significant pain in just mentioned attributes, as they hadn't exactly been designed with face-vaults in mind.
"I'd start running now, if I were you..." Shizune murmured, giving Naruto a slight push to get him started.
"Huh? Wha... Oh!" Naruto started, only to trail off in sudden understanding as he saw the look Tsunade gave him as she started getting back onto her feet. "I think I'll scout the road up ahead. See ya'll later!" he exclaimed, then took off running. "Shikamaru was right, girls are nothing but trouble and girlfriends even more so!" he howled, as Tsunade took off after him.
"I am not your girlfriend, you little runt! Come back here, so I can kill you!" Tsunade screamed as she took off in furious pursuit, the blonde pig-tails fluttering in her wake.
"Nightmare... This is a nightmare... Oh, please Kami, let me wake up. Wake me up now!" Tsunade slurred, reaching for another ceramic bottle of Sake.
"Man problems?" the bartender asked, having seen the symptoms before.
"HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!" Tsunade bellowed, then belched and hastily emptied the bottle, without even bothering to use the way too small saucer, opting instead of guzzling it down straight from the bottle. "I'm going to kill Jiraiya... Then I'm going to kill Naruto... After that, I'll kill Shizune, just to get rid of all the witnesses." she groused and the bartender raised an eyebrow, putting another bottle in front of the irate woman. Not just a love triangle, but a love square! He was impressed, he hadn't had anyone tell him about one of those for quite a while now.
"Wanna talk about it?" he offered, just barely managing to restrain his curiosity, an offer which the shit-faced drunk woman took him up upon, unloading all her woes on the bartender slash innkeeper. Unfortunately, her alcohol riddled mind made her tale somewhat confusing. But the bartender thought he'd managed to make sense of her slurred ramblings after a while.
The woman was a Nin. Her team-mate had a crush on her ever since they started training together as kids. She now lived in a lesbian relationship with a woman named Shizune. Then she'd just recently gotten the hots for this guy Naruto and kissed him, in front of her lesbian partner and her old team-mate Jiraiya. There were also a couple of other guys she mentioned, but they were apparently out of the picture now.
He hesitated for a few moments. He'd seen Shizune earlier, as she was the one who had arranged for the rooms. Naruto and Jiraiya were apparently training. Shizune had headed straight for the baths and Tsunade had headed straight for the bar. Thus, he still had the opportunity for some amusing mischief, as none of them had gotten their keys yet.
His eyes sparkled at the thought that he would be doing his part in resolving this whole amusing mess the four of them had somehow wound up in. While Tsunade kept on guzzling down Sake, the barkeeper switched two of the occupants of the two rooms, putting Jiraiya with Shizune and Tsunade with Naruto. The alcohol-riddled Tsunade would probably do the nasty with Naruto and with a bit of luck, Jiraiya was charming enough to sway the lesbian. But if not, at least Tsunade and this Naruto guy would have an amusing evening.
When Shizune returned from the baths, the barkeeper handed her the key to her room. Tsunade refused to come along with her, saying she still had a lot of drinking left to do in order to forget her horrible day. Shizune eventually left Tsunade to her drinking and headed for the room, accompanied by a servant carrying her backpack and with Ton-Ton trailing the two of them.
Jiraiya was the next arrival and he didn't hesitate to team up with Tsunade in her attempt to drink the bar out of alcohol, guzzling down bottle after bottle in a desperate attempt to catch up with what Tsunade had already imbibed.
Naruto didn't show and when the bartender asked Jiraiya about the last member of their party, the response he got was that 'the fool' was still training, trying to master some new technique. He muttered a curse, as his shift ended and he had to leave, not getting to see the results of his brilliant work in the name of love. But, he supposed that a good deed was its own reward and that he should settle for having been of assistance.
The new bartender kept on serving the two Sennin, until they mutually decided to stagger off to bed, grabbing their keys and heading upstairs. Tsunade didn't take much notice of the fact that Shizune wasn't lying in any of the futons, she just stumbled towards the nearest one and flopped down into it, burying herself under the covers.
Jiraiya did notice that one of the futons was taken, but didn't think much of it, except for a mild bewilderment that Naruto had given up so quickly and gotten his key without so much as a 'Hi' to his brilliant, gorgeous and fantastic teacher. He also noticed Ton-Ton, but just punted the sleeping critter out of the way and then collapsed into his futon.
Naruto only got back a couple of hours later, sleepily gave his name and received a key after being told that his stuff had already been taken to his room. Naruto shuffled upstairs and entered the room, grumbling to himself at the loud drunken snoring which echoed throughout the room. The Perverted Hermit was a disgusting slob, but Naruto had sort of gotten used to it by now, even if he'd never heard these particular sounds before. It was a lighter and higher pitched snore then he was used to.
"Stupid Ero-sennin..." Naruto grumbled, kicking the lump under the blankets, nursing a faint hope that it'd work and shut the older man up for a while.
What he hadn't expected, was for a slender hand that definitively didn't belong to the Ero-sennin to whip out from underneath the blanket, grab his ankle and yank him off his feet.
"Ouff!" Naruto grunted, rubbing his sore posterior. "What the hell?" he muttered, crawled forward and yanked the blanket off the lump in the futon. "GAAAAAH!" he exclaimed in shock as he unveiled not the Sennin he was expecting, but the other one he was travelling with. "What are you doing here, Old Lady!" Naruto demanded.
"Hmmmm, sleepin'..." Tsunade murmured in response, her breath reeking of booze.
"Well, stop it! This is my room. Get up!" Naruto insisted.
"Really now, Dan... Wouldn't you prefer it if I went down... On you?" she drawled with a drunken grin, fumbling around for him. "Aha, got you..." she purred triumphantly. "C'mere..."
"Wah! Old Lady Tsunade! Stop it!" Naruto protested as he found himself pulled towards her, then found himself unable to protest against anything at all, as his face was suddenly pressed against her ample mounds. Though he sorely wished that he could protest at the top of his lungs, as the octopus-lady started peeling his clothes off.
"Tsunade-sama! What happened to you!" Shizune demanded as she saw her beloved mentors bruised face the following morning. She had a black eye, well she actually had two, but one seemed to be more from someone having landed a punch rather then Tsunade just being hung over. Her lips were also slightly swollen and her upper lip had a cut in it. It wasn't serious, it could be healed in less then a minute, but Tsunade was probably too hung over to do it herself at the moment.
"Don't wanna talk about it..." Tsunade muttered as she seated herself, glaring over at Jiraiya, who was even more bruised then her and currently unconscious by the looks of it. "What's with him?"
"He snuck into our room last night, a mistake he won't make again." Shizune growled, cracking her knuckles with a satisfied expression. She had been surprised as hell to find Jiraiya sleeping in the same room as her, but the brutal beating she'd given the sleeping and hung-over toad-hermit had cleared her head pretty fast. "Where were you all night by the way?"
"I entered the wrong room myself." Tsunade mumbled and Shizune paled as Naruto showed up, with a bruise in the shape of a palm on his left cheek.
"Naruto-kun! What happened to you?" Shizune asked with a horrified look.
"Don't wanna talk about it..." he grunted and seated himself as far away from Tsunade as possible.
"What is wrong! What happened to the two of you?" Shizune demanded, then trailed off. "Wait... Tsunade-sama entered the wrong room... Was gone all night... You are both bruised... Are... Are... Are you two involved in a machoscistic relationship!" she exclaimed as realization struck.
"Macho? Yep, that's me!" Naruto replied proudly, while Tsunade was still spluttering, trying to voice a protest.
"Oh my!" Shizune exclaimed, blushing furiously.
"NO! That's not it at all!" Tsunade exclaimed.
"Sure it is! I'm a macho man!" Naruto blustered, puffing his chest out and flexing his muscles.
"Naruto... That's not what machoscistic means." Tsunade groaned, slumping forward over the table and slamming her forehead against the wooden surface several times. Which didn't exactly help convince Shizune that she wasn't a closet machoscist.
"I heard that Tsunade, one of the three legendary Sennin, is going to be the new Hokage!" a villager exclaimed.
"I heard that too!" a second agreed, nodding sagely.
"I heard that she's got a younger boyfriend!" a third whispered conspiratorically.
"Someone said that she's all gaga over that demon kid!" the first added.
"Naruto? That brat!" the third exclaimed in disbelief. "Impossible!"
"That monster? That awful horrible child who defiled the Hokage monument!" the second said.
"'Monster'?" a terribly icy voice interjected, causing the three villagers to turn around and come face to face with their new Hokage. "Naruto isn't a monster, you feeble-minded ingrates! He has saved this village twice! He's a hero!" Tsunade snarled. "And if I hear anyone referring to him as a monster again, I'm personally going to rip the Kyuubi out of him and shove it into whomever utters those words, just to see if that shithead can deal with the responsibility of having a demon sealed in them any better then Naruto does!" she continued and focused a terrible glare at the three villagers. "How about it? Any takers?" she asked, causing the three now terrified villagers to bolt, whimpering with terror. "Ingrates..." Tsunade muttered, then stalked onwards towards the hospital.
What she didn't know, as she'd only heard the end of the villagers conversation and hadn't bothered to follow them to see what they spoke of after she left, was that her defence of Naruto had practically turned rumour into fact in the mind of the villagers, as those three spread the word that Tsunade was fiercely protective of her young lover. When even Shizune got involved in the gossiping, the fires were fanned and the rumours spiced up with all sort of kinky details regarding the unusual couple's deviant sexual preferences.
"Man! Having a girlfriend is such a bother!" Naruto groused, slurping up a few strings of noodles as he complained about the current situation to his friends, who had gathered to see if they could wheedle a few stories about travelling with Jiraiya out of him. None of the people around the table noticed how Hinata froze in shock after hearing Naruto's announcement.
"You got a girlfriend?" Shikamaru inquired in disbelief.
"Yeah! And you won't believe how she treats me, either! It's nothing like the stories." Naruto grumbled, nursing his still sore cheek. Before things had gotten too far and nothing else seemed to work, he'd slugged Tsunade right in the kisser. He had to do it two times, to get her to snap out of it and let him go. Unfortunately, she'd responded by slapping him across the room after the second punch. The two of them had slept in separate ends of the room after that, being too tired to bother getting a new room. "You were definitively right, Shikamaru! Girls are troublesome!"
"Do you guys kiss?" Ten-Ten asked.
"Who is she?" Ino asked, looking suspiciously at first Sakura, then Hinata.
"Forget kissing! Have you guys done the nasty yet?" Kiba inquired with a feral smirk.
"Kiss? Yeah, she's done that all right!" Naruto exclaimed, blushing furiously as he recalled two such incidents.
"Have you touched her breasts?" Shino inquired, blinking owlishly behind his glasses as everybody suddenly turned to stare at the normally quiet bug-boy.
"Well... Yeah." Naruto agreed after a few moments, thinking back on how she'd grabbed his hands and put them on all sorts of embarrassing places before he'd smacked her to knock some sense into the desperate perverted old woman.
Hinata's normally pale face, was now stark red with embarrassment and there was a horribly distressed look in her eyes, tears gathering in the corner of her white eyes.
"Have you two gone all the way, yet?" Kiba asked.
"All the way? Uh, no. Quite a ways, I guess." Naruto hesitantly responded. All the way from where they met her to Konoha, which was quite a stretch, but far from all the way. There were hundreds of other ways.
"Oh, you sly dog you!" Ino exclaimed, then looked sheepishly at Kiba and Akamaru. "Uh, sorry guys. I didn't mean any offence."
"None taken." Kiba assured her and Akamaru woofed his agreement.
"Who is she, Naruto?" Sakura asked.
"Yeah! Who is it?" Choji added between mouthfuls of Ramen.
"It's..." Naruto started, only to be cut off.
"Naruto-kun! Tsunade-sama wants you right now!" Shizune panted as she came running into the diner, breathing deeply a couple of times. "You shouldn't keep your girlfriend waiting, Naruto-kun." she added as she saw that he hadn't moved by the time she'd regained your breath.
"The Hokage!" Ten-Ten exclaimed in shock, leaning back in her seat. "You're Tsunade's boyfriend!" she demanded to know, wondering just what her legendary idol saw in the boy she had mostly ignored ever since becomming aware of him.
"Oh, man, she's hot!" Kiba approved, slapping Naruto's back.
"I knew that you've always said that you wanted to be the Hokage, but I didn't think you meant that you wanted to be with the Hokage." Choji commented.
"Here. If she wants you as desperately as it sounds, you might need these more urgently then I do." Shino said, putting a box of condoms down in front of Naruto.
"Yes, practise safe sex, Naruto! You're too immature to become a father." Sakura insisted, ignoring the hurt look Naruto directed at her.
"Come on, Naruto-kun. She's waiting for you..." Shizune said, picking up the box of condoms and placing them inside his jacket, before pushing him into motion.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Naruto-kun and Tsunade-sama... AAAAAARGH!" Hinata screamed once she'd somewhat recovered from the shock, which was about fifteen minutes later, when everybody else had already left. She did surprise the hell out of the owner and waitress, however.
"Eh... You... Wanted me? Ol... Eh... Tsunade-chan?" Naruto stuttered hesitantly, as he was shoved into the room by Shizune, who had grown tired of watching Naruto stand in front of the door to the Hokages office, reach out for the handle, only to let his hand drop and then repeat the process all over again. He had been doing that for the last five minutes and it was starting to annoy her, when she finally took action to get him out of her sight.
"Tsunade... Chan..." Tsunade repeated, as if tasting the term, unsure of what to think of it. Naruto was just as hesitant about it. Sakura-chan, sounded fine and easily rolled off his lips. Tsunade-chan, did not. But calling his girlfriend Old Lady? No, he didn't know much about personal relationships, but he had a faint inkling that doing that, would lead to a severely pissed off girlfriend. And that he knew, was a bad thing. He'd overheard that much at least around the village as he grew up.
He squirmed nervously, shifting his weight from foot to foot, as Tsunade kept repeating 'Tsunade-chan' under her breath, looking right ahead with an unfocused stare.
"Eh, Tsunade-chan? You wanted me?" Naruto reminded her, which seemed to sort of snap her out of her daze. "But I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet. Shino gave me these condoms, but..." he added, a statement which served to completely snap her out of her daze.
"CONDOMS!" she bellowed, causing Naruto to take several steps back, staring fearfully at Tsunade as she fumed behind her desk. A moment later, Shizune and two clerks rushed into the room.
"I've got some!" Shizune exclaimed, holding up an unopened package. "How did you two manage to run out so fast? Did you drop yours on the way over, Naruto-kun?"
"Here are the condoms you wanted, Hokage-sama." one of the clerks said, brandishing an opened box of them.
"I've got some too! Take it easy! What's the rush?" the second clerk added, holding out two singles towards Naruto, then saw the unopened box of fifty that Naruto was already holding. "You guys need more! Yikes, I wish that I had a tenth of your stamina, kid!" he exclaimed.
"You three, get out!" Tsunade snarled, pointing at Shizune and the two desk Nins who instantly scurried out of the room, leaving the condoms behind. "And you! You're staying right there!" Tsunade added with a feral snap at Naruto, who had attempted to leave with the others.
"Girlfriends are so troublesome!" he whimpered, wondering if he hadn't spent a little too much time around Shikamaru lately.
"Oh, we are, are we!" she thundered, only to blink at the sound of a muted thump from the window. She looked aside and saw a stunned looking Kakashi scramble up from the floor after having fallen down from the windowsill he had been sitting on as he heard her bellowed question.
"You mean... That the rumours are true!" he exclaimed, his one visible eye bulging out of its socket. He hastily scurried over towards Naruto, looking down at him with admiration shining in his eye. "Naruto... You have surpassed my every expectation. Whatever anyone else says, you will forever be a real man in my eyes." he breathed, just barely managing to keep his voice even. "Here. I want you to have this. May it be of as much joy to you, as it has been to me." he said and gave Naruto a worn copy of 'Come, Come, Paradise'. "Oh, don't worry, I have three other copies." he added after seeing Naruto hesitate in accepting it, misinterpreting the reason for his students hesitancy.
"Kakashi..." Tsunade growled, clenching her fists as she stalked towards him.
"Uh, I'd run if I were you, Kakashi-sensei." Naruto hinted as he accepted the book. "She can be sort of violent..." he added in a low murmur.
"So I've heard. You too, from what I've been hearing. Have fun, you two!" Kakashi stated, then somersaulted backwards over the charging Tsunade, then leapt backwards out of the window, his eye widening even further as he saw Tsunade crash into Naruto, bringing the two of them to the floor. "Oh, my! She could hardly even wait until I was out before jumping him!" he exclaimed, feeling his face become flushed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Tsunade bellowed, screaming right out from pure frustration as she managed to overhear Kakashi's final words.
"Yikes! Who would have known the kid that it in him..." one of the clerks commented on the other side of the door to the Hokage's office, as his co-worker and Shizune heard Tsunade's muted cry despite the soundproofing.
"Nothing but trouble..." Naruto groused, rubbing several small bruises, as he waited for his Ramen. After Kakashi's abrupt departure, Tsunade had been too irate to make much sense, so Naruto had left rather hastily in order to give her a chance to calm down without ever finding out why she wanted to see him in the first place. He brought out the book he'd gotten from Kakashi, fingering the worn cover for a while, before he shrugged and opened it, deciding to have a look at it to see just what all the fuzz was about.
Several hours later, with only a handful of bowls of Ramen consumed, Naruto slammed the book shut, blinking several times.
"And here I thought Jiraiya was perverted before..." he muttered, shaking his head. "Well, at least he's got a knack for writing." he admitted with a fierce blush, as he recalled several rather lurid passages. Well, that would describe just about any part of the book, but Naruto was recalling some extremely lurid passages. There had even been pictures, diagrams and at the end, a table with perverted statistics and complicated formulas for sexual and sensual prowess.
He'd just received more sex education in the last couple of hours, then in his entire life up until now.
Which was why he had no idea of just how flawed his new-found 'knowledge' of sex truly was or how much trouble he'd wind up in because of it!
Fortunately, he was now aware of the fact that there were several holes in his knowledge and experience base.
Unfortunately, the book had given him the entirely wrong idea of how to go about fixing that situation.
The End! ( For now... )