Out of Time Chapter 28⅞: Going Way Too Far
"What? No more parody reviews! I'm crushed (laughs) Can't wait to see more of what you come up with yourself, anyway..."
"You're going to regret that..."
Gently the older Kenshin smiled at Battousai. "I believe this is your path," he said softly, pointing in the direction from which he'd just come. He cleared his throat, and glanced away. "It's going to be a hard road, that it most certainly is... but don't give up. There's always light at the end of even the darkest roads..."
The boy just nodded awkwardly. "Thank you," he murmured. How did one respond to himself?
He bowed briefly and continued down his path. He'd only made it a few feet, when he heard the sound of several dozen young girls screaming "Get them!"
Suddenly, pandemonium descended on the crossing as very many rabid fangirl fanfic authors pounced on the unsuspecting pair. The sheer absurdity of their situation prevented them from reacting until they were pinned to the ground by several manically grinning young women. Without warning, they held awful-smelling cloths over their faces, and the brightness faded.
When he awoke, Kenshin was beside himself and confused. I mean, literally beside himself. He was sitting in a small, cramped cage with at least a dozen other identical Kenshins, as well as a few Battousais. "What was in that rag, de gozaru ka?"
"That's what we'd like to know, de gozaru," a Kenshin replied flatly. They didn't seem very happy.
"What's going on, de gozaru?"
"Quiet in there!" a high-pitched voice shouted from outside. Kenshin suddenly got a feel for how deep in it he was when he saw that the cage was actually part of a long caravan of cages full of Kenshins and Battousais. They were travelling down the paths of light, and every so often the caravan would stop for a moment as one of the fangirls pulled a Kenshin or Battousai out of a cage, hurled him off the path, then followed after him.
"What are they doing with them, er, I mean me, I mean..."
"They're tossing us into alternate dimensions, or so they say," a nearby Battousai informed him. "It seems that's how these... fa-nu-gu-ro-ru-su get us into their stories."
"But... why are there so many of us?"
Another fangirl rapped on the side of the cage. "Thanks to this!" She held up what looks to you and I like a microwave with a giant light bulb inside.
"What is it?"
"It's the E-Z Clone!"
Without warning, every fangirl in the caravan burst into song:
"E-Z Clone, E-Z Clone,
fun for you, first there's one, and then there's two!
E-Z Clone, E-Z Clone,
fun for me, first there's two and then there's THREEEEEEEE!"
"There appears to be far more than three of me, de gozaru."
"Well, you know... law of exponentials and all that!"
Kenshin turned to himself conspiratorially. Conspirator noticed this, but was too busy trying to get Co-conspirator to check her drafts. "Sessha thinks we should escape, de gozaru."
"Sessha agrees with you, de gozaru."
Another Kenshin joined in. "Sessha thinks we should rush out when they open the cage again, de gozaru."
The first Kenshin looked at the third in surprise. "Wow, does sessha really sound like that, de gozaru ka?"
"Yup, de gozaru," a fourth replied.
"Kami. And to think I 'grow up' to be you," Battousai #5 muttered in an annoyed tone. "Maybe if I start swearing now, I can head all that 'sessha' and 'de gozaru' rubbish off..."
The cage lurched as the caravan came to a stop. A fangirl opened the cage door. "Ok, we need a Ken-chan and a Battou-kun for a KKB fic! It's rated R, wink, wink, nudge, nudge."
A few of the Kenshins and Battousais glanced at each other. "Do we really have to escape?" they asked simultaneously.
"Escape?" asked the fangirl.
"Kuso. Charge, de gozaru!" Kenshin #something-or-other yelled before rushing the fangirl. In moments, the entire cage had poured out onto the path and was running like mad.
"After them! Don't let them escape! I need them for my Kenshin+Saito ai-shonen fic!"
This was clearly a mistake as the Kenshins ran even faster.
"Shouldn't he be back by now?" asked an annoyed Sano. He was getting sick of wading around in the river, waiting for Kenshin to reappear.
Saito shrugged. "How should I know? I'm going home. Have fun, tori-ahou."
For once in these parodies, it was Sano's turn to scowl. Lucky for him, Saito didn't see this or he would have Gatotsued him for stealing his "look".
Kaoru, meanwhile, was standing in the river, resolutely staring into the waters. "Please Kenshin," she whispered into the cold water, "please come home."
Suddenly (what, you think I'd give them warning?) a blinding white light filled the river. Kaoru didn't even get to scream as she was enveloped by the light...
...and was suddenly surrounded by three dozen Kenshins, and more than a few Battousais.
Then she squealed as she attempted to get her arms around the closest one—gotta glomp em all!
"Woo-hoo, de gozaru!"
Several weeks later, we find the Kamiya dojo filled to bursting with pink wearing
"IT'S MAGENTA! SESSHA DOES NOT WEAR PINK!"
Sheesh! Bite my head off, why don'tcha? ahem Bursting with MAGENTA wearing Kenshins, and Battousais garbed in manly blue gis. (Happy now?)
(Relatively, de gozaru.)
Kaoru is, of course, on cloud nine. She has Kenshins for cooking, Kenshins for washing, Kenshins preparing her baths day and night, Battousais carrying groceries and several of each practically waiting on her hand and foot. Maybe even a few for her elbows, too.
However, this is a parody fic, so we all know what's going to happen now...
As Kaoru walked through the dojo yard, surveying her harem of Himuras, she heard a loud series of "Oro!"s and "What the hell?" as Kenshins and Battousais went flying from the well. In a flash of light, an elevator appeared, electricity leaping from it onto the dojo room, and into the hair of several nearby rurounis. Luckily, no pretty red hair was harmed.
As the doors slowly parted, and dramatic smoke poured dramatically from the opening, the jointly assembled Kenshins cried out: "The Brown League for Temporaility Society!"
And out of the elevator stepped a tall man with blond hair, a moustache, a khaki army uniform from the waist up, a frilly pink ballerina costume from the waist down, and a sparkly magic wand in his right hand.
In the end, it took a slightly-less baffled Kenshin to break the silence. "Who are you?"
"Sergeant-Major Biggles, British Army, Plot Consistency Division! I'm here to sort this bloody mess out."
With a wave of his magic wand, the Kenshins and Battousais stood assembled before the lift. He then turned to the opening. "Alright, out you come. That's right—single file. Don't dawdle. And NO GLOMPING!"
Out from the lift filed a long line of the fangirls the various Kenshins thought they'd escaped from. They lined up in front of the lift, and Sgt. Major Biggles turned to address them.
"Alright, you all know the drill. You'll each be assigned between one and two Himuras, depending on your fanfic. Once you have been assigned your Kenshins and/or Battousais, you will make your way back into the Time-Elevator where you will be sent to the appropriate universe. Any questions?"
"Good! On with the show!"
And so, one by one, the Kenshins were dragged off by the rabid fangirls back to the universes of their own devising. Some of them tried to weasel themselves a few extra.
"But, but... I need TWO Battousais! It's critical to my plot line!"
"Rubbish! You just want to let all that pretty red hair down like Nekotsuki did for twenty chapters in Tanabata Jasmine! BACK IN LINE!"
Some tried to change their minds.
"I actually need a Kenshin AND a Battousai."
"I've decided to change it from 'Kenshin Does the Shopping' to 'Kenshin and Battousai Do Kaoru'."
"Nice try—someone's already done that one."
Kaoru, of course, beat several Kenshins mercilessly for that one. Then she blushed madly and hid behind a Battousai.
Finally, there was only one Kenshin left.
"Well," Biggles began, checking his clipboard. "This one, you get to keep."
"Mou. Just one?"
Kenshin looked upset. "Is one of me not enough, Kaoru-dono?" he asked unhappily.
Kaoru looked at her suddenly fascinating tabi. "Mou... of course. One of you is perfect, Kenshin." She looked up at him with a small smile. "But more of you is even more perfect."
"Well, sessha will try to make up for it, de gozaru."
"Alright, enough of that, you two. I have other universes to go fix." He strode off for the elevator mumbling something about fanfic authors and sharp, pointy objects.
"Wait, Biggles-dono! If you're not from the BLTS, then why do you have a Time-Elevator?"
"We're Lift Pooling!" Brown said, poking his head around the side of the door.
A few moments later, Sgt. Major Biggles and co. disappeared with a loud "Ding!".
And so, Kenshin and Kaoru stood in the yard. And stood. And stood some more.
"Kenshin? Shouldn't the review comment have ended by now?"
"Sessha thinks this is a bit long for a review comment, de gozaru. It's already four pages long, de gozaru yo."
"Mou! Why won't it just end!"
"Maybe because the author can't think of a suitably funny way to end it."
"You mean he's run out of ideas?"
"It seems that way, de gozaru."
"What will we do? We can't just wait around for him to die of old age!"
"Well, there is one option, Kaoru-dono."
"See the rating on this fic? The bit that says 'Fiction Rated: T'?"
"Hai... but I don't understand."
"It means that if we do something which isn't suitable for teenage audiences, then author-dono will have no choice but to end the comment abruptly."
"But what could we..."
Kenshin lifted Kaoru into his arms, crushed her to his chest, and kissed her on the lips. After a few moments of surprise, they were making out in the yard which was conveniently free of both Yahiko and Sano. Eventually, Kenshin let Kaoru up for air.
"M... mou... Kenshin... I... I don't think that's going to be enough..."
"I was just getting you warmed up, Kaoru-chan..."
Kenshin then strode to his bedroom, Kaoru safe in his arms. Once inside, she closed the shoji, and began to slide her gi over her silky skin to expose her
QuickEdit Message: This review comment has been truncated due to length limitations and not at all because of naughty, naughty content that would damage young minds. Move along, nothing to see.
As you can no doubt guess, this is SiriusFan13's fault. I was more than happy to let sleeping dogs lie, but she just had to go and say that, didn't she? I've always wanted to use Biggles in some capacity, and now I have. That, and I couldn't resist bringing Brown back. If you're wondering why I don't use his first name, it's because I never remember what it is, and even then I can't remember how its spelt... I could look it up, but I just can't be bothered.
For those that don't know, the "E-Z Clone" business is from an episode of The Angry Beavers called "Dag Two Night", I believe. It's hilarious when the army of mentally retarded Dag clones begin marching on Norb...
Speaking of references, the title of this chapter is borrowed from the last episode of the Excel Saga anime. If you haven't seen it, and you value your sanity, don't. It's almost the most disturbing thing you'll ever see...
Anyway, I have to get back to editing the other one-shots that SiriusFan13's demanded I put online. Crazy girl... I should stop sending her these things.
24th September, 2005