A/N Hey! Hey! Come one, come all! And read the greatness that is this wonderful fic. It was born from the fevered imaginations of my friend Maru to Moro and myself one summers evening whilst contemplating the fact that Sasuke, really, when you think about it, has the world's most boring and pathetic life. This combined with the realization that he has virtually no skills with women and yet holds the burning desire to replenish his clan, gave birth to this fic.
Disclaimer: We do not own Naruto or the rights to it. We don't even own Kakashi, (sweet, wonderful, sexy Kakashi) but one of us does have a small Kakashi shrine in her closet.
Sasuke stared at the clock and sighed, oh god this was going to be a long hour. For the last three weeks on Mondays and Thursdays he'd been coming to see Dr. Kurasawa for some (in Kakashi's opinion) much needed therapy. It had been in Sasuke's opinion a bloody great waste of time. He could be training or going on missions of vital importance but nooo, he was stuck here talking about his "feelings." Feelings weren't really something people like Sasuke bothered with. They really did detract from the dark, vengeful persona he'd spent so many years honing to perfection. Really, this therapy nonsense was beyond pointless. Kakashi though, seemed to think differently and as such, Sasuke once again found himself lying on the sofa in Dr. Kurasawa's tastefully decorated office which had been painted in the most soothing of colors. He hated mauve.
"So you're saying," said Dr. Kurasawa, "that because your brother murdered your clan depriving you of everything and everyone you ever held dear at the tender age of eight, you have trouble bonding with other human beings?"
Sasuke grunted in reply. The trick with this was to say as little as possible in the vaguest most general of terms. Unfortunately, the good Dr. was uncannily perceptive, to the point where Sasuke seriously considered the possibility that she could read minds.
"You do realize," she said peering over the top of her glasses at him, "that in order to achieve your goal of reviving your clan, you're going to have to develop a lasting relationship with a member of the opposite sex."
Although he gave no physical indication that these words had any effect on him whatsoever, Sasuke felt his insides freeze up. She was right. It had never occurred to him before but if he wanted to continue the Uchiha line, he was going to need a wife or at the very least a girlfriend. Crap, he thought as his mind came to grips with this startling realization.
Later that day….
Well, thought Sasuke, no time like the present to give this whole "relationship" thing a try. After all he was 17 and had as of yet never had a girlfriend. He supposed Sakura sort of counted but she was really more of a stalker if you thought about it. Let's see, he thought surveying the women nearest him on the street, no not that one, ewww, not that one either. Hmm, might work. Aha! There we go. Across from the street from him, exiting a bakery after buying what looked like a dozen or so sticky buns, a pretty brunette with long hair and a really rather well shaped nose was now making her way in the direction of a produce stand. Giving her a more careful look-over, Sasuke was pleased to see she was also rather well formed in the area of the hips and breasts. Good for child bearing, he thought. Shoving his hands in his pockets, Sasuke made his way over to her.
"Will you go out with me?" he asked without preamble.
The girl turned suddenly almost dropping an orange, and stared at Sasuke with a kind of open mouthed bemusement. "Whaaa?" she replied.
"Uh…will you go out with me?" Sasuke reiterated, not meeting her eyes but instead staring fixedly at the orange still clutched in her hand. It made an interesting contrast to the dark green of her Chunin uniform.
"Er," she said, "you're Uchiha Sasuke right?" He nodded. "Um, I guess I could. Uh here." With that she whipped out a scrap of paper and a pencil while the orange was left to make its own way in the world. Sasuke vaguely wondered why she had a piece of paper so conveniently handy but his thoughts were sent adrift as said piece of convenient paper was thrust roughly under his nose.
"It's my name and address." she said, "Pick me up at seven?" Sasuke nodded his assent, slightly pleased that he'd gotten a date set already. The hard part would come later he supposed.
Later that evening….(presumably after seven)
The restaurant Sasuke had chosen was a nice one. The atmosphere was cozy and 'The Connoisseur's Guide to Konoha's Finest Dining' had given it three and a half stars. He'd prepared for this date to the best of his ability and so far things were going well. He'd turned up at Toyama Mutsumi's residence at exactly seven o'clock with a single red carnation. She'd giggled and blushed and he'd really hoped she didn't turn out to be a giggler, he hated gigglers. Fortunately she had stopped, settling for smiling prettily while looking very cute in her flouncy purple dress and watermelon shaped earrings.
Now they came to the first and perhaps most essential part of dining out, ordering food. After taking the requests for dinner, the waiter turned to Sasuke, "Anything to drink Monsieur?"
"Water," was all Sasuke said.
"Just water?" asked Mutsumi.
"Easier to detect poisons," was the blunt reply.
Mutsumi looked slightly startled but said nothing.
For the most part, Sasuke thought things were going well, but then, Mutsumi attempted to make polite conversation.
"So Sasuke," she said batting her eyelashes, "what do you do for fun?"
Sasuke thought about this a moment and then remembered how Dr. Kurasawa had said to be more honest and open. "I wallow," he said at last, "in self pity."
Mutsumi's smile seemed to have frozen, as though not quite sure if it really wanted to be a smile anymore. She made a great effort though, hitching it back on and saying, "anything else?"
"I stew," said Sasuke.
Mutsumi looked a little blank before saying slightly desperately, "Oh so you uh, like to cook?"
"No," said Sasuke, "I stew in self loathing of my own weakness. My inability to kill my brother."
Something about Sasuke's dark murderous aura must have put Mutsumi off a bit because suddenly she said with mild hysteria, "I have a parakeet, do you have any pets?"
"Um, favorite color?"
"No." There was a pause, "black."
Fortunately, Mutsumi was save by the arrival of their dinner, and for a while all was well as they ate in silence.
As Sasuke chewed a bite of chicken, he glanced thoughtfully at Mutsumi, he liked her well enough he decided. She talked rather a lot but less than some. She was cute too, nice teeth and a strait, perfectly symmetrical nose. Finally deciding to cut to chase, Sasuke cleared his throat, after all this whole dating thing was just a means to and end. "Will you marry me?" he said.
Across the table Mutsumi choked on a bite of soufflé. After much hacking and wheezing she finally looked up at him, eyes wide in panic. "Uh," she said, "er, uh, I have to uh…go to the bathroom! Be right back." With that she disappeared.
Back at the table and several minutes later, Sasuke was becoming nervous, she wasn't back from the bathroom yet and it was entirely possible that that bit of soufflé had come back to choke her again. Flagging down a waitress he asked her to check the bathroom for Mutsumi.
Meanwhile, in the women's bathroom, Mutsumi was about half way through a complicated series of hand seals that in theory would cause her to trade places with the nearest yak, hopefully somewhere in the mountains. This was an ancient and very secret ninjutsu passed down through her family for generations and was only supposed to be used in the most dire of situations. Unfortunately, the waitress came in interrupting the finely controlled line of chakra required of this specific ninjutsu.
"Your date was looking for you," said the waitress.
"Oh," said Mutsumi, "um I'll be there in a minute."
Several minutes later Mutsumi was indeed back at the table with the date in question.
"So," said Sasuke, "will you…"
"Waiter!" Mutsumi called very loudly, and a waiter rushed over. "Dessert please, ice cream, and quickly."
Several agonizing moments later, in which Sasuke had thankfully not proposed again, the dessert arrived.
"Wow, this is good ice cream," Mutsumi said wildly, having cast about for something to distract them both from…that… "cold though," she said with a small laugh, "might even say icy."
Sasuke nodded slightly, stirring the ice cream around in its ornate silver dish, once again he made the unfortunate decision to go with honesty "my heart feels icy sometimes," he said listlessly, "kind of frozen, like my soul."
Mutsumi blanched, sputtering a bit on a bite of ice cream. It really was lucky ice cream was so soft. "Check please!" she called.
After Sasuke had paid and they were standing outside the restaurant, he looked at Mutsumi again. She'd seemed to have had a good time, a bit nervous though, but then again they said women got like that sometimes. "You never answered my question," he said looking up at her. For some reason, the light from the street lamp gave her a slightly terrified look.
"Oh!" she gasped looking down at her bare wrist, "look at the time. I've got to go and uh, floss my, uh…iguana!"
"I thought you said you had a parakeet," came Sasuke's slightly confused response.
"Oh right," Mitsumi said nervously, "listen Sasuke, this was uh…fun, but I've go to go." With that she took off at a sprint pausing only to say, "Don't call me, I'll call you!"
"Wait!" called Sasuke, "You don't have my phone number!" By that time though, she'd vanished into the night. Sasuke sighed and put his hands in his pockets. So much for continuing the Uchiha line.
A/N Poor, poor Mutsumi. We pity her greatly. I mean really, actually having any kind of relationship with Sasuke would suck big time. The man does nothing, Nothing! Well, besides wallowing, stewing, brooding and training. Ah well, he'll always have Sakura. (poor girl) and Mutsumi will always be able to pull that yak trick of hers.