Tom's Guide for Becoming a Dark Lord
By Marik's Dark Queen
Summary: Tom's easy to follow 10-step guide for becoming a dark lord. The 10 essential steps that a young wizard must follow to become a dark lord.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter (who would have guessed it? right?)
This is an easy to follow 10-step guide for all the young dark wizards who have decided to become dark lords by me, the great Tom Riddle (aka Lord Voldemort). This guide must be followed exactly as it is, it must be treasured and kept secret from the aurors, the Order of the Phoenix and any other "heroes of the wizarding world" that just won't die or let you take over the word (for more information see Harry Potter). Now back to work!Step #1: The Evil Name
The first step is to find a cool name. The name is very important because it is the name that if you are lucky enough will pass into history and everyone will know you by it. So don't choose a stupid name like Didi the Ducky or anything too long that people won't remember like Mr-out-to-take-over-the-world-after-destroying-the-good-guys. It must be a serious name that will frighten everyone. Some suggestions are names that include the words death, shadow, master, dark, etc. When you have chosen your name you must choose the name of your minions.Step #2: The Evil Group Name
Choose again wisely. You don't want your minions to have a stupid name do you? So don't choose anything like "the yellow monkeys", "the blonde punkies" (A/N: Read my other stories to understand why I wrote it) or "the too stupid for their own good guys". Make sure to choose a dark name for them. After you have successfully completed steps #1 and #2 it is time to go to step #3.Step #3: The Evil Clothes
The clothes that you and your evil, faithful minions wear are very important. They must be dark and they must help you hide your true identity. Choose something dramatic! But be careful not to choose under any circumstances clothes that are:
with hearts on them
with flowers on them or any kind of designs
pastel or neon colors
pink for the girls and blue for the boys
with a brand name on them
far too long
clothes that are Barbie-like
You don't want your minions to be wearing something like a bright yellow tight short dress with pink flowers and hearts on them with matching bright blue high heel shoes with "Gucci" written all over them. They aren't practical for raids and your minions will be thinking if their shoes match their dress, which matches their purse, which matches their make-up instead of your evil plan and your poor target. Remember that your outfit must have a hood to hide your face, otherwise you will ran out of minions far too soon Fur on the clothes or on the hood isn't recommended. After step #3 one of the most important steps follow.Step #4: The Evil Behavior
Your behavior must radiate "evilness". To achieve that you must have the following qualities that I listed for you. You must be:
If a quality that you have in mind isn't on this list then don't use it! And if you don't have all those qualities then you must PRACTISE! Also the way you behave around your minions is very important. You must change your voice so it becomes silent and mysterious and you must practice your evil laugh. For example: Muahahahahahahahaha! is acceptable. You must never have a laugh that sounds like a schoolgirl giggling (hihihihihi) or Santa Clause (hohohohoho!). Some other behaviors you mustn't have are: organizing pajama parties with your minions where you personally make a nice strawberry ice cream cake and then sing and dance and offer everyone gifts and then play spin the bottle with them.
Also in front of your minions you must never cry, cook, clean the house, wash your clothes or anything else, water the plants, sleep, watch porn, sing, cut the plants and the grass of your garden and do any household chores. Also you must never tell your minions about your first love, how you lost your virginity, what is your most embarrassing story, what your friends or your lover call you when you are alone, your adventures as a baby and if you are sad because the one you love doesn't love you back. That is just too much information that they don't need to know. Playing matchmaker and dating them is forbidden too. Your minions must be scared of you. If they aren't then you must have made a mistake in one of the previous steps.
Remember to always punish one or two of them to keep them in line. If they haven't given you a reason to punish them then punish them for simple reasons, like breathing too loud, non-matching clothes, too much gossip, being too short or too tall, standing there or just being next to you. Finding reasons is easy! If a minion does something good that you appreciate, you must reward that minion. But don't let that become a habit! Don't give your minion a pet treat or a dog biscuit as a reward. He won't like it! And lastly never pay your minions! They should be the ones giving you money so you won't have to work in a McDonalds or anywhere else. Now that you know how to behave in front of your minions you must learn about your goal as a dark lord.Step #5: The Evil Goal
Don't choose something like "let's take over the world" or something like "let's kill Dumbledore and the Minister of Magic". Those are too common and you will have competition from other dark lords. Be creative! Choose goals like "we'll control all the newspapers in the wizarding world so we can write bad false gossip about the people we don't like in them!" or "we'll terrorize all the restaurant owners so we can eat as much food as we like in their restaurants for free!" And don't forget that killing Harry Potter is already taken by me! After deciding what your goal will be you will be ready for step #6.Step #6: How to Get Your Evil Minions
You must make sure that your minions aren't too smart for you because they might try to take over your evil empire. But you must make sure that your minions aren't too stupid either (they must be able to walk and talk at the same time!) because then all your plans will always fail. Make sure that your minions are well connected, not too young but not too old and with rich parents so they can give you lots of money. And always remember to choose pureblood, rich, hard working and kind of stupid minions (they are much meaner).Step #7: Secrecy!
Another extremely important step! Your evil organization must remain secret. Some good suggestions for avoiding having your secrets known are: don't have minions that gossip too much, don't publish a newspaper with your new plan in it, don't make your minions have a member ID, don't have your own radio station where you announce the details of your new plan, don't put on the Daily Prophet a "Evil Minions Wanted" announcement with the address of your headquarters on it and never, never leave a card with your real name and your minions names on it after a crime or a raid. Simple? Very simple. Just be careful for spies and traitors (for more information see Severus Snape and Peter Pettigrew). Time for the next step!
Step #8: The evil symbol
Choose again something threatening. Examples of what you shouldn't choose are: a picture of you picking your nose, two people doing it, a smiling lady in a bikini, a unicorn or a pony with you or your little sister riding on it, a big heart with your and your significant other's names on it, a rainbow with little angels and butterflies and anything else that is happy-looking. Snakes, chains and skulls are recommended. Remember that your evil symbol is your signature!
It also works as a way to call your minions for a meeting so you won't have to run after them. And when you decide what your evil symbol is don't go around wearing jewelry or clothes with it on them and don't decorate your house with it either because the aurors might get suspicious. Time for step #9!Step #9: "The Savior of the Wizarding World"
This is the most annoying step in you career as a dark lord. It is the step where you choose your enemy. Therefore choose wisely! There are only two rules: a) you must choose someone from the light side; you don't want to be fighting a fellow dark lord do you? and b) when you choose your enemy you must become obsessed with defeating him. Remember to choose someone weaker and more stupid than you!Step #10: "The Grandiose Death"
The last step that no one can avoid (except of me of course!) If you plan to die as a dark lord you must remember the following: first, don't die from a strange accident, for example you were ran over by a threstal or a giant stepped on you or you were hit by a quidditch ball while planning an evil plan, or you accidentally ate the poison cake that was meant for your enemy. Your only choices are: a) become immortal and don't die at all, b) die in battle killing your enemy, c) suicide so they aurors won't arrest you. Nothing else is acceptable!
Now my students, follow this guide word by word and pass it around so others can read it too but make sure first that they are loyal to the dark side. If you try it and you fail then the guide has absolutely no responsibility for your failure. It was your mistake that caused it.The End