TITANIC ATTACKS!

Rose: Jack, there's a boat…Jack, there's a boat…Jack…Jack…there's a boat, Jack…

She starts crying. Suddenly, Jack lifts his head and grins at her. Rose screams.

Rose: Jack! I thought you were dead!

Jack: No…just taking a little nap. How could I be dead? We're in Mexico, remember?

Rose: I thought we were in the North Atlantic.

Jack: Nope. James Cameron just wants the audience to believe that. Did you seriously think he'd really let his twenty million dollar actors die in the North Atlantic?

Rose: This is a movie. It isn't supposed to be real. Besides, you're out of character.

Jack: Oh…right.

He pretends to be dead. Rose starts crying again and drops him into the water, then swims over and grabs the whistle from the mouth of a dead officer. With a disgusted look, she blows on it, only to find that it's full of frozen spit.

Rose: My next movie is going to be set on dry land. Morocco might be nice.

Hours later:

Rose sits on a bench on the Carpathia, wrapped in a giant blanket. Cal walks over. As if by magic, he knows which blanket-wrapped figure is her and goes over to her.

Cal: Rose…

Rose: Go away, you greedy, lustful, rich freak.

Cal: Look, Rose, I still want to marry you.

Rose: Oh, my God. You are, like, sooo clueless. What makes you think I'd want to marry you after you tried to kill me? Besides, I had an affair with a poor boy in steerage. Like, why do you want me now?

Cal: I thought you were from Philadelphia.

Rose: What?

Cal: You sound like a Valley Girl.

Rose: Oh. Whatever. Anyway. Like, what do you want with me?

Cal: I love you, and anyway, I'm rich, obsessive, greedy, lustful, and never let anything that's mine get away from me.

Rose: Oh.

Cal: And I promise I'll be nice.

Rose: Yes, you always say that. But the minute we're married, you'll turn to the Dark Side, and, like, turn into Darth Unimaginable Bastard or something.

Cal: What movie are you in, Sweetpea?

Rose: Don't call me by that disgusting name. Since when is pee sweet? And anyway, how should I know what movie I'm in? I'm practically an icicle. Which reminds me. Jack's dead, and it's all your fault for framing him, even though I let him out before all the boats were launched and he couldn't have gotten into a boat anyway because he was a Third Class man.

Cal: Rose…I love you. And because I love you, even though I'm an obsessive bastard and will come after you later, I insist upon giving you the Heart of the Ocean and all my readily available cash—about sixty thousand dollars, all of which is in the pocket of that coat.

Rose: I already found it. It was so heavy I almost drowned. I hate rich people.

Cal: Rose, please give me another chance. I love you.

Rose: Whatever.

April 18, 1912
New York City

Officer: Can I take your name, please, love?

Rose: Who the hell are you?

Officer: What?

Rose: You called me love. Are you Jack?

Officer: Who the hell is Jack!

Rose: The love of my life, who died in the sinking.

Officer: Then why are you asking me if I'm him! What did say your name was?

Rose: Uh…Clementine Kruczynski…no, wait…wrong movie…Dawson. Rose Dawson.

Officer: Are you any relation to that guy over there?

Rose: What guy?

Officer: That guy over there. The one standing on the railing.

Jack: I'm the King of the World! I have the One Ring!

Fabrizio is standing behind him, looking none the worse for wear in spite of being crushed under a smokestack.

Fabrizio: You found that ring when you abandoned her. Rose is dead.

Jack: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

He falls overboard.

Fabrizio: Oh, dramatize.

Rose runs off the ship and pulls Jack out of the water.

Rose: Jack, it's me! I'm alive! You're alive! Now we can live happily ever after!

Jack: Who are you!

Rose stares at him, tears brimming in her eyes.

Jack: Just kidding. I knew you were alive. I never doubted it. Now we can settle down to a nice middle class lifestyle, have lots of kids, and never worry about the adventures we're missing, even though we're both kids and you abandoned your old life so you could have lots of adventures with me.

Rose: I love you, Jack! Let's get married!

Jack reaches into his pocket.

Jack: Oh, no! I've lost the Ring!

Rose: That's okay. I love you for your poverty. Anyway, that ring would have corrupted you. It's better that it's lost.

Suddenly, a man climbs onto the pier, the ring clutched in his hand.

Man: I have the Ring! Now I'll rule the world! And you can all put food on your families! And I'll destroy the Axis of Evil! And get that guy who tried to kill my daddy! I'm the Master of the Universe! And the oil companies! Make the pie higher!

Rose stares at him.

Rose: Who the hell is that!

Jack: Just some oilman from Texas. But don't worry. He'll never win Florida.

The End.