My Locked Up Feelings:


A/N: 25th March 2006: -nervous laugh- OMG! I honestly cannot believe how badly written that was…-shudders- but, thankfully, my greatly improved editing and writing skills eventually led me back here in order to give this baby a serious grammar check. I know, it's my first fanfic and I can't believe it sounds like that as I read through it now…amazing ne? I actually wrote this like 2 years before I posted it so that would make me…ummm…14…? Something like that! Anyway, I've left the original author's notes at the end for any of those crazy people out there who actually care! Enjoy, it's quite good actually.

"Alright! Time to kick Vegnagun's butt!" Brother screamed at the top of his lungs. "Right Yuna?" He turned towards the gunner, his heart racing with excitement. He was hanging to hear Yuna's positive agreement, but instead, he saw her facing away, her head to the floor, she looked as if she was thinking very deeply about something. And he also noticed that what ever it was it appeared to be making her upset.

"Yuna?" inquired Brother. Rikku looked over at her cousin and began to worry, so she asked if she was alright too.

"Yunie?" At this Yuna snapped her head up and looked around, almost as if she was startled by her own name. She just stood there for several minutes not saying a word. Now everybody had gone silent and focused all their attention on her. As soon as she realized this, she tried to come up with the best excuse possible for her melancholy behavior. She also thought that it be best that she get out of the room as well.

"I…I'm fine, I…I just think I need some air." She then started abruptly towards the deck, leaving everyone's interrogation behind. Rikku was astonished by her cousin's behavior and began to follow. Brother wanted to find out what was wrong, but didn't want to pester Yuna in her current mood. So, he waited until everybody went back to what they were doing, and announced that he was going down to the engine room. But seeing as everybody had their own things to worry about, he didn't seem that he was heard.

As Brother arrived upon the deck, he noticed that Yuna and Rikku were talking quietly. Then to make sure he couldn't be seen, he hid behind the corner to the left of the door and could only just hear what they were both saying. He sat there listening intently to the depressed Yuna.

Yuna was sitting slumped over on the deck and Rikku was standing behind her. Rikku decided to break the silence that had filled the air with a simple question.

"Yunie what's wrong?" It took Yuna awhile to answer, so what ever was bothering her, Rikku knew that it must be bad, which meant she kind of knew what was upsetting her. Just as Rikku was thinking about what she could do to comfort her, her thoughts were interrupted by a small and barely audible voice.

"I'm not going to find him…am I Rikku?"

It was strange, while Yuna was saying this she was laughing quietly to herself, as if this whole idea that he might still be alive was stupid. But Rikku saw that she wasn't really laughing. Actually, it was getting even more depressing to watch by the second. Rikku looked at her cousin; she hadn't seen Yuna looking this pathetic since just after Tidus disappeared. The pain was all coming back to Yuna slowly. All of her insecurities about herself and the declining possibility that Tidus was still alive somewhere were welling up inside her already shattered heart.

Suddenly, Rikku thoughts were interrupted by Yuna's teary speech. "That whole time we were looking, the clues we found, it was all Shuiyin wasn't it? It was never him. I've been so foolish. All this time I thought I would find him again, and the pain and the heartache would disappear, that I would be happy. Every night since I became a sphere hunter, I dreamed about him coming back to me. It all felt so real. I thought that I would finally get the one thing I wanted in this world. I was just kidding myself."

Yuna stopped for a while and Rikku saw that she was struggling hard within herself to hold back the tears. Honestly Rikku was feeling a little left out and helpless. For a start, what could she say to Yuna that would calm her down? She'd never lost the love of her life and she hadn't gone through two years of agonizing heartbreak, how could she understand how Yuna felt?

Just then Rikku noticed that Yuna had started to talk again. But it was almost like she didn't even know Rikku was there. It was more like Yuna was talking to herself. She had faded out of reality completely. At this point also, Brother was lost. So far from he had heard from Yuna didn't make any sense. He didn't know that Yuna was looking for someone while sphere hunting…he though that she had just come along for some fun. Also, who was this man she was talking about? Who was she looking for, and why? He was desperate to find out what was going on, so he kept listening. Brother felt trapped. It seemed that his little 'spying scheme' had just been blown away. He wanted to hear more of what was going on, but he couldn't get any closer, so he sat impatiently and tried to listen as best he could. He then heard Yuna was talking. No. Not talking. Bawling.

Rikku was having a hard time understanding what Yuna was saying through the sobs that were catching in her throat and the tears cascading down her cheeks.

"I…I wanted so badly just to see your face. That night, two years ago when you disappeared and I tried to run up and hug you, I…I fell through, at that moment when I was lying there, I felt so hopeless. It was like everything we'd been through together wasn't even real. I…I loved you so much. But I couldn't show it, I couldn't say it because I knew what would happen to me. I told myself I couldn't get distracted, I couldn't get involved. I thought that If I told you, It would…It would break your heart…and mine, so I tried to bury my feelings and hoped that maybe, they would go away. I had to use all of my willpower to keep my heart locked up. And so I thought that I would be okay. But when you looked in my eye, and told me that you were going to save me know matter what, I felt like I was going to collapse, my feet would give way and let me fall. The pain in my heart at those points was so strong, I just wanted to die. If that was what it took to stop the pain…I had to use all of my energy to stop me from toppling over and crying."

Yuna stopped, buried her head in her arms and cried, her tears pouring down her face. Rikku now knew that Yuna was talking to herself. But it was almost like Yuna was re-living everything that happened along her pilgrimage. Her feelings and her actions. The usual perky blonde wanted to put a stop to Yuna's pain, but she knew that Yuna would have to get it out if she ever wanted to stand a chance of getting over her grief. So Rikku decided to stand there and help her cousin by just listening. Even if Yuna wasn't even fully aware that she was there.

Yuna had stopped crying for a minute as if she was re-living a happy part of her pilgrimage. She was still kind of sobbing, but most of it had come to a halt. She had started talking again, in more uplifting mood, but Rikku still had to listen in hard.

"But then when you found out a way to beat Sin without the Final Summoning…I thought that everything would be okay, that I could now have a life with you. But when we went to see Maester Mika in Bevelle, after beating Yunalesca, I found that something wasn't right." At this point Yuna's mood began to darken again.

"You were keeping something important from me. When I asked you what it was, you just stood there and told me it was nothing. Why did you lie to me? The closer we came to fighting Sin, the more it became obvious that whatever he was keeping from me was really starting to hurt you. Your voice was starting to lose its strength and conviction. The worst part though, was that you starting to push me away. You didn't talk to me like you usually would, I felt like I didn't even mean anything to you. I now think it was so you could save yourself the pain. But it caused me even more pain. Yuna's weeping was becoming heavier. Then when you jumped off the airship, it was as if my heart had been crushed and I…I…I couldn't move!"

Yuna screamed the last two words out as if she wanted the whole world to know just how she felt. She was absolutely bawling now, tears flowing freely down her already sodden face. Rikku almost wanted to cry herself. She had never seen her poor cousin so upset. It was almost like she didn't even know that Yuna could get that upset. Then all of a sudden Yuna began to yell through her sobering.

"I save Spira and for what? So the one thing that was most important to me is ripped away!" Does Spira's eternal peace have a curse on it or something? Why me? Why, Why, Why!" These were Yuna's true feelings, Rikku realized, during this whole two year period of what seem like happiness to everyone, to Yuna it was anger and sadness, masked through a plastered smile.

These past two years, she'd locked it all away, deep down, remembering the nice things now and then. But the failure to find the one thing most cherished to Yuna on this mission had dug up all of Yuna's negative feelings. And for Rikku, It was a little unsettling, and quite frankly, a little more than scary.

It took Rikku several minutes to realize that Buddy was trying to reach Yuna and Rikku on the Deck. They were rapidly approaching Bevelle, where they were planning to jump into the large hole at the bottom of the temple. Rikku knew that with Yuna in her current state, she wouldn't even be able to walk let alone fight. So she said the one thing she could only think of to say, besides, they didn't have time for this. They needed Yuna if they were going to stand a chance against Vegnagun…

"Yunie…….I know that what I'm about to say might sound really careless and hurtful but I……..I think of any way to put it nicer. Yuna, for now, you need to bury all of your pain and sorrow away…deep enough so that it can't make your smile waver…because…because you need to be strong for everybody in Spira. We can deal with it after Vegnagun's gone."

Rikku noticed that Yuna had almost jumped when she said this, it just proved Rikku's theory that Yuna really wasn't aware that she was there. Yuna turned to her cousin, her face was completely soaked with tears.

"I'll try Rikku," she mumbled. The young sphere hunter stood up, nearly falling over, but quickly regained her balance. She stood there for a while just staring off into the infinitive stretch of blue sky before her. After several minutes, she turned to Rikku and smiled weakly. She then made a dash for the door. However, just before returning to the bridge she stopped.

"Thank-you Rikku," Then she disappeared. Rikku smiled and chased her cousin to the bridge.

'Please…Tidus…help me.'

So what did everybody think? This was my first fanfiction so please be nice. And absolutely no flamers! You can however tell me how to improve things. I'm not sure if I should leave it as a one shot or right another chapter and continue it as a story. I have tried to write another chapter, but well…….. lets just say I got half way through and then ran out of ideas. Can you guys give me some? Just to let you know I've been on this site quite a long time, but not as a member. For the authors whose stories I review I'm simply known as Annie. I actually just joined this website so I could review people's stories that I absolutely love. But I thought though maybe I should try and write at least one story. I hate it when I can't review a story I really like. Anyway…… enough dragging on with me I have to do my English and math's assignments now no! PLEASE REVIEW! (Gets down on knees) PLEASE I'm BEGGING YOU!