Attack of the Lemon-Scented Plot Device Bugs

By Artikgato

Disclaimer: I do not own Vincent, Yuffie, Final Fantasy VII, or Bizarre Bugs. Squaresoft does...

Author's Notes: Sorry about the title.I could not, for the life of me, think of a good title for this fanfic. At all. For the longest time it was called "Insert Incredibly Poetic Title Here". --' (frustration!) Originally, this story was a lemon/hentai/bad stuff/NOT FOR KIDS! type of story, but I decided to cut out the lemon scene and just post the rest on The idea was too cute to pass up, anyway... and it's almost funnier like this...

Note to readers: if a word/words is/are capitalized and followed by multiple exclamation marks, that is not necessarily the end of the's just a little quirk of mine, when I'm referring to the Fourth Wall, which I swear I don't do very often anyway, so please deal with it. Sorry if I confused anyone there...'


Vincent sighed, and unholstered his Lariat...again. Fortunately, this time his opponents weren't those infernal and far-too-common Razor Weeds, but a pair of Bizarre Bugs. One of the bugs was of the standard variety of Bizarre Bugs, but the other looked...bizarre. Even for a Bizarre Bug. Especially for a Bizarre Bug. For one thing, it was glowing, and pink, and seemed to sparkle. It radiated this aura of PLOT DEVICE!--or was it contrivance?--and it seemed to smell like...lemons. Yes, it smelled like lemons for some ridiculous reason.

He pulled the trigger and felled the normal bug without so much as a second thought toward it, and pointed his gun at the pink one, preparing to rid himself of this annoyance as well. However, when he pointed the gun at the spot where the bug should have been, he found that it was gone. A sudden blinding pain in his arm followed shortly after, causing him to drop the Lariat, and when he turned to examine the arm, he caught a faint glimpse of the strange pink bug as it flew away faster than any normal bug could have. Vincent stooped to pick up the Lariat, but found he could barely even close his hand around the gun before his muscles protested painfully.

Great, he thought, the bug was poisonous. He knew he had no Antidotes or Remedies with him, and he couldn't recall having a Heal materia either...wonderful. He turned to face the direction he had been walking in (before the strange bugs had attacked him) to see Yuffie in the distance, still skipping merrily and singing horribly off-key but not really caring.

They had just come from Wutai, where Yuffie had climbed the Pagoda in a test of endurance, skill and strength that all Wutaian royalty must perform when they turned seventeen, as Yuffie very recently had. She had finally beaten her father Godo after a long and grueling battle, but had instantly perked up, her exhaustion forgotten, when he had presented her with the coveted Leviathan summon. Cloud and everyone else had decided to let Yuffie rest for a little while, saying they would meet her at the Tiny Bronco, which was parked at the southern end of the island... a long way from Wutai. Vincent had naturally decided to be a gentleman and stay with Yuffie to make sure no monsters decided to eat her...

Knowing he would probably regret it, he decided to halt her skipping and singing.

"Yuffie!" he called, as loudly as he could while maintaining the monotone to his voice. He saw her stop skipping and turn around.

"WHAT IS IT, VINNIE!" she yelled to him. An eyebrow twitched in annoyance at the nickname.

"I've been poisoned, and would greatly appreciate your assistance!" he called back. A few moments later Yuffie arrived, bouncing cheerfully.

"How'd this happen?" she asked, fishing around in her pockets for an Antidote, and handing him one shortly after.

"A strange looking bug attacked me," he said, drinking the Antidote and trying hard not to recoil at the bitter taste.

"I hate to tell ya this, Vinnie, but all the bugs around here are strange," she replied.

"This one was strange for a bug from here, I mean. It was pink, sparkly, and smelled like lemons," he said, voice still monotone. Yuffie looked at him incredulously for a few moments.

"What've you been smokin', Vinnie? Pink and lemon-scented!"

"Anyway," he said, ignoring her comment, "It was unnaturally fast for a bug, and before I could attack it, it had attacked me,"

"I see," Yuffie said, the cheerful tone in her voice contradicting completely with the situation. She turned back to the way she had been walking before and began bouncing off.

"C'mon, Vinnie! We're gonna be late!" she exclaimed, nearly singing, as she bounced away. Vincent grabbed his gun, holstered it, and stood up, relieved to find that his muscles did not protest. However, he was less than pleased to note that the effects of the poison hadn't completely disappeared yet. The pain had gone away, to be sure, but something still felt wrong...very wrong.

Until Chaos pointed it out to him, laughing in such a way that implied he would be rolling on the floor with laughter if such a thing was possible, Vincent had no idea he was doing it. He was watching her walk, or to be precise he was watching her behind as she walked. It was a subconscious motion on her part, no doubt, but nevertheless the way she swayed her hips as she walked seemed to entrance Vincent. He wondered why he hadn't noticed before.

-Aww, does Vincent have a crush?- Chaos asked him, through his laughter.

I have no such thing, Vincent protested to Chaos.

-Then why can't you take your eyes off of her backside?- Chaos asked him.

The way she walks fascinates me. That is all.

-Oh really. Why aren't you watching her feet then, hmm?-

...I refuse to continue with this conversation.

Vincent found that he simply detested thinking. Oh yes, with a passion. He detested it because he never had complete control over where his thoughts lingered and the direction his mind went in. He had only realized this, of course, when he had found himself wondering idly what Yuffie looked like without clothing on. The thing that he hated most, though, was the fact that he would not have noticed that until Chaos pointed it out to him, as it amused him greatly. Thankfully Yuffie was farther ahead of him now.

It was then that Vincent began to wonder what exactly was wrong with him. He had never thought of the young ninja this way before. He had barely even noticed she existed, except when she was being overly loud and exuberant...or when she called him "Vinnie" or "Vampy-boy". In fact, he had barely noticed the presence of Tifa or Aeris either, though he didn't actively try to ignore them as they weren't annoying. He thought over what had happened today, trying to find a reason for his sudden and unexplained change of heart toward the girl. Her climbing the Pagoda was an impressive feat, but she had proven that she was still the same, annoying Yuffie as before, so he was certain that event had nothing to do with this. He hadn't eaten anything for a long while, so he was sure that it was not something in his food...therefore, he reasoned, it was most probably an aftereffect of the strange-looking and strange-smelling bug poisoning him.

Well, one thing was certain; he had to stop the effects of the poison somehow. His thoughts seemed to be getting more and more perverted as they went along, and Chaos certainly wasn't helping him by throwing out random suggestions on what he could do to the ninja. After another graphic description from Chaos, he abruptly decided he couldn't take it anymore.

"Yuffie," he said, stopping in his tracks. She turned to him.

"Somethin' wrong, Vinnie?" she asked.

"Do you still have that Heal materia?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I would like for you to cast Esuna on me."

"Esuna? Why?"

"I believe that the Antidote you gave me did not completely heal all of the Poison out of me."

"So I should cast Poisona then, instead of Esuna, right?"

"Not exactly..." Vincent said, suddenly biting his lip (though she couldn't see, because of his cape, thankfully) and wondering how exactly to explain his condition to her.

"I am not experiencing symptoms of poison at the moment," he finally answered. Yuffie shrugged. Vincent was weird, and she was feeling extra generous due to the fact that she was still on a natural sugar-high from having received the Leviathan materia early in the day, so she decided to humor him and cast Esuna. She walked back towards him and plucked the materia out of its place on her armor.

Vincent gulped, and tried to ignore the perverted thoughts flitting through his mind (with help from Chaos, of course) as she stepped closer to him. He had to force himself to look away from her chest and at the ground.

Please let this work...I can't take much more of this, he thought.

"Esuna!" the ninja called, and light flowed around Vincent's form before dissipating a second later. Vincent felt the gentle warmth of the spell wash over him, but when it was gone, the perverseness was not, which made Chaos a much happier demon at the expense of Vincent's suffering.

"Feelin' better, Vinnie?" she asked, looking up at him. He stared at one spot of the ground, fearing what would happen if he looked at her.

"Not...really," he said.

"Do you have a fever or something?" Yuffie asked, reaching up to put a hand to his forehead. Vincent quickly batted her hand away, tamping down the urge to gasp when he felt how soft her skin was. He gulped again, but not visibly.

"Yes, I believe I do," he answered. Yuffie frowned.

"Well, I guess we've got no choice now but to hurry on to the Tiny Bronco. It's too far to go back to Wutai, and this looks pretty serious..." Yuffie said.

"Yes, that would be best," he said, and made the mistake of looking at her. For a brief moment their eyes locked, before he quickly averted his eyes to the ground again when he had the nearly uncontrollable urge to kiss her.

What the hell is wrong with me? he thought.

Yuffie was fairly startled when she looked him in the eyes. Normally his eyes were cold and nearly devoid of emotion, but in the brief second or so she got to look at his eyes, she saw fear, tension, and something else she couldn't really name. She considered trying to get another look, but decided against it as it was so rare of Vincent to be afraid.

"Actually, you're not lookin' so good. Maybe we should find somewhere where you can lay down for a while?" she suggested.

-Hear that, Vincent? She wants to lay down with you!- Chaos exclaimed, barely able to contain his amusement. Vincent was extremely glad of his cape when he began to blush.

Shut up! he shot back at the demon.

Yuffie took his silence as a yes, and grabbed him by the wrist, leading him off toward one of the cliff walls nearby. When Vincent was sure that his voice would not betray him as his brain did, he decided to speak.

"Where are we going?" he asked, fighting desperately to keep his voice the same cool monotone he had been using around AVALANCHE since he met them.

"There's a cave nearby. I figure you can rest there for a little while, I'll cast a Barrier spell to seal the entrance, and I can try to find some fresh water for you or something," Yuffie said.

"Sounds good," Vincent answered

While he was waiting on Yuffie to return, Vincent realized what it was the bug had done to him. During his days as a Turk, he had studied the terrain around Wutai in preparation for a war with them which had been brewing for quite some time. The monsters around Wutai, of course, were thoroughly studied in order to assess the danger they presented to the soldiers and the Turks who went there. During his studies he had heard of a Wutai legend--more like an old wives' tale, really--of a strange bug whose poison also contained a rather potent aphrodisiac.

Of course, this had meant nothing to Vincent during his days as a Turk, as it was just an old wives' tale, and really it posed no threat to him or anyone else. Who would have guessed he would have been unlucky enough to run into that bug?

So, he had a very potent aphrodisiac in his bloodstream. Knowing what assailed him made Vincent much less apprehensive. Now that he knew what was wrong with him, he could beat it. He supposed the condition he was now in was similar to that of an animal when they go into heat. He could fight it and hopefully overcome it. Vincent tried not to be innerved at the snort Chaos gave in the back of his mind at that thought.

"Hey Vinnie! I found you some water!" Yuffie called as she returned, slipping through the transparent barrier at the entrance to the cave as if it wasn't there. Well, in a way it wasn't, as she was the one who cast it, she could move through it as freely as the air could.

After removing his cape, Vincent drank the water, all the while trying hard not to look at the ninja who sat in front of him, smiling at him the way she always did.

"How're you feeling?" she asked.

Vincent nearly choked on his water when Chaos exclaimed, from the back of his consciousness, -Tackle her to the ground and do it right there on the floor, you know you wanna!-

As he finished the water, Vincent was disturbed to note that he was now beginning to entertain the ideas Chaos was sending his way. Based on this as well as the thoughts and impulses he had been fighting ever since the bug had stung him, he decided to tell her of his condition. That way, she could prevent him from doing something stupid, as his self-control was slipping away from him at quite an alarming rate. It was a wonder he had even lasted this long.

"Yuffie...I...umm..." he started. Yuffie was very concerned for him. Even though his voice was still monotonous and calm as usual, she had never heard him falter or use the word 'umm'.

"I think you need to rest," she said, crawling over so that she was next to him, taking him by the shoulders and pushing him to the ground forcefully, as if to emphasize her point.

It was at that point that Vincent lost most of what little self-control he had left, along with his inhibitions, morals, and pretty much the rest of his sanity. What he did next actually surprised them both. Before she could even take her hands off of his shoulders and stand up, he grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her down to him, pressing a very passionate kiss to her lips. When the kiss finally broke, she was wide-eyed, dazed and very very confused. He opened his mouth to explain that he was under the influence of an aphrodisiac, but somehow he found himself unable to form words.

"Ummm...ummm..." Yuffie stuttered, looking completely bewildered and more than a little freaked out. Not that she hadn't enjoyed the kiss, but it was just normal that it took her completely by surprise.

"I apologize, Yuffie," he said, sitting up. He was straining to keep his voice level, now.

"What...why..." the girl asked, trying to make sense of what had just happened to her.

Some of his self-control must have survived, because he resisted the idea Chaos kept repeating to him: to tackle her to the ground, rip their clothing off, and do decidedly naughty things to her.

"Yuffie...I believe that the poison of that strange bug also has the properties of an...aphrodisiac," he managed to say.

For a moment, the two just stared at eachother. Yuffie's eyes kept flashing back and forth between relief and indecision. Vincent propped himself against the cave wall and tried to ignore Chaos as best as he could. Chaos had had his fun, but now that Yuffie knew what was wrong she would surely keep him from doing something terribly stupid...


"Vincent..." Yuffie said softly. He looked up at her. She had an unreadable expression in her gray eyes. He gulped.


Yuffie woke to a decidedly pleasant situation. She was warm, comfortable, and had a pair of male arms protectively wrapped around her. She had always wanted to wake up this way. Wait a minute...

Warm and comfortable, she could understand. Wasn't she in Wutai? It was usually a pleasant temperature there. But the pair of male arms? And one of them felt decidedly...metallic. Metallic. Like...Vincent's arm. Yuffie bit her lip, her eyes still closed. Did she really want to open her eyes? Sure, she was naked, and she was pretty sure now that the muscular body she felt behind her was Vincent Valentine's. Surely, though, there had to be a good explanation for this, right? And, in any case...

Her thoughts trailed off when he shifted and brushed his mouth across the back of her neck. She instantly shivered and felt her body tense up at the quite pleasurable sensation.

No...nonono, she had to get out of this situation. Fast. Before she did something stupid. So, she opened her eyes to find that those two arms around her were, indeed, those of the dark gunman of AVALANCHE.

Okay...okay...don't panic...just try to handle this in an adult manner...

"HOLY &$#ING CRAP!" she suddenly shouted, startling the man behind her awake. She jumped out of his embrace once he had moved his arms enough, and to the opposite wall of the cave. Vincent looked at her, startled and confused.

"Yuffie?" he asked, puzzled. Then he noticed she was naked. A small blush appeared on his cheeks, making Yuffie blush as well, and he looked away. "Why are you naked?"

"I could ask you the same question, Vampy!" she retorted, quickly scanning the cave and finding her discarded clothing, wondering how in the world it had been so strewn about as she went to collect it. Vincent kept his eyes averted politely as he, too, collected his clothing and mechanically began to put it back on.

"Where are we anyway?" Vincent asked, once he had pulled on his shirt.

"You don't remember? You weren't feelin' too good, so we decided you'd stay here and I'd go look for some water for you... and then..." Yuffie answered. She stopped, blinking. "and...ummm...well, I don't remember anything after that, actually," she said.

"Are you sure I was sick? I do not remember that,"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure you were sick. You were acting weird,"

"The last thing I remember is being attacked by a strange, sparkly, glowing, pink, lemon-scented bug," Vincent said. Yuffie sighed.

"There's gotta be a reasonable explanation for this," she said. She suddenly blushed. " you think we..." she trailed off. Vincent's still existent blush deepened.

"No...I don't think so. I would feel...different if we had,"


There was a long, long, uneasy silence.

"How long do you think we were out for?" Yuffie asked.

"Who knows. Cloud must be furious right now," Vincent replied.

"Yeah...we'd better head off for the Tiny Bronco then," Yuffie said, and gave a half-hearted laugh.

"Yes, and let us never speak of this again," Vincent said.

"Oh, yeah, definitely,"

Yuffie removed the barrier spell she had set up at the edge of the cave, amazed it had stayed up for so long. Of course, she had no idea how long the two of them had been in there, so...

In any case, the awkward silence that descended upon them was too much for her to bear. She decided to start a conversation.

"Ummm...I was just wondering..." Yuffie started. Vincent cast a glance at her over his shoulder, which she took to mean as 'continue'. "You're...umm...really..." Gorgeous? Sexy? Bishielicious? Pretty? "...handsome underneath all of why do you always...umm...wear all that?" she asked, stumbling over her words and mentally smacking herself on the head. Vincent replied without turning back towards her.

"It was those same thoughts that led Lucrecia to her downfall. She was entranced by my good looks, not realizing what a monster I really am," the gunslinger replied. Yuffie suddenly glared at him, and closed the distance between them, hugging him from behind and effectively stopping his march forward.

"You are not a monster, Vincent Valentine. You aren't," she said, forcefully, into his cape.


"I know you, and I know that you aren't a monster. Those demons were put inside of you, but you aren't one of them. You're a human being...a damn sexy one, at that," she continued, a hint of mirth in her voice at the end. Vincent sighed. She promptly let go of him and darted around him, running to the beginning of one of the rope bridges.

"I'll repeat it as many times as I have to!" she shouted, and then began to skip across the bridge. Vincent sighed, made a mental note to never let his guard down around strange looking, lemon-scented bugs (that projected an aura of PLOT DEVICE!). Then, he set off after the exuberant ninja.

Chaos snickered. Apparently his host and the ninja had somehow both gotten the aphrodisiac into their systems. Chaos supposed that the aphrodisiac was quite contagious. And, apparently, the aphrodisiac also had the power to erase their memories. However, Chaos still remembered what had happened. He decided he would keep this information to himself until it was most advantageous of him to use embarrass his host. Because embarrassment was far more nourishing--not to mention amusing--to him than pain or fear was.

Careful to not let his host hear, he threw back his head and cackled evilly.

End Notes:

Yeah, the ending was incredibly cheap. Sorry for using the old "their memories got erased" copout...