Physical Education

by Adrian Tullberg

The sun rose, magnificently illuminating Hogwart's Quiddich Field in its golden embrace.

However, the majority opinion of the students gathered agreed it was too bloody early to appreciate such a view.

Being forced to wear thin white shorts and T-Shirts as well didn't improve the overall mood.

Harry Potter could feel his knees threatening to bang together. "I thought I escaped this, when I went to Hogwarts."

Hermione Granger was not in the mood for commiseration, bonding exercise or not. "The one class where the teachers called me 'useless' and it follows me."

"What's P.E., anyway?"

Harry and Hermione looked at Ron, then at each other. "Shall we break it to him gently?"

Hermione glanced at the unreasonably chirpy redhead. "He can have his innocence shattered like everybody else."

A figure bounded onto the field, stopping the muted chatter.

Harry noted that this was the first sign that this person was strange, even by Hogwarts standards.

No other teacher would wear a red-and-black spandex suit, covered in holsters, gun magazine straps, what looked like a sword on his back, and a red mask with two large black ovals covering the eyes and cheek areas.

Not to mention the t-shirt over the whole ensemble with the slogan : 'Killers Do It with a Really Big Gun! Then they Kill You!'

The … person dropped a large gym bag on the ground beside him. The clanking sound of what appeared to be various pieces of metal inside wasn't reassuring.

Then he opened his mouth.

"Hi ho subjects of torture! I'm Wade Wilson, your gym coach, or as you freaks from England call it; your ..." he held up his fingers in a quote gesture "... Pee-Eee Teacher. You can call me Mr. Wilson, Deadpool, or 'Not the Face! Not the Face!'

Harry looked at Hermione. She looked just as worried as he felt.

"Now, I was ... persuaded to come here, when some STUPID FUCKWIT WHO DIDN'T TELL ME I WAS WHACKING A GODDAMN WIZARD!"

Harry tried to look as heterosexual as possible. This was important because Ron chose to squeal like a girl and jump into his arms at Deadpool's little outburst.

"... left me out to dry. However, I managed to negotiate a sort of work-release program over here showing mini-wizards not to be little butterballs like they are where normal people live."

"I thought we already filled our former-bad-teacher-trying-to-be-good quota …"

Deadpool's head swivelled towards Hermione.

"You should go to Xavier's when you hit Stateside honey. Then again, maybe I should have. Logan's cigar stash, the Professor's malt whiskey, and a ton of hot honeys over eighteen ...

"A mudblood?"

Harry rolled his eyes, not even bothering to look.

"I don't believe it ... we're being taught by a mudblood? "

Deadpool leaned over, head inches away from Harry. "Is Peroxide Bitch insulting me?"

"They're letting a mudblood on campus? The faculty?"

Harry decided on honesty. "Ah, yes ..."

"When my father ..."

Deadpool suddenly pointed to a point behind the students. "Look! Elvis!"

Despite the majority not knowing who Elvis was, everybody turned.

The anguished scream filling the still morning air a second later was a complete surprise.

Turning back, Draco was prone on the ground, holding his knee, while Deadpool was holding what appeared to be a crowbar behind his back.

"What, this?" Deadpool produced the crowbar as if it's presence was a complete mystery to him "It's ...a ... perfectly legitimate teaching aid, isn't it, blondie?"

"Please ... don't ..."

"It's called Tonya! Say hello Tonya!"

Deadpool held out the crowbar at his head level. The high-pitched, unconvincing girl's voice while moving the crowbar to simulate speaking was ratchetting up the overall tension.

"Hi kids! I'm Tonya, fresh from America's gold-winning skating rinks to Mr. Wilson's hand! I hope to have a really great time with you, because if you don't, Wade here is going to put me somewhere really uncomfortable! So eat lots of fibre for my sake!"

The PE teachersuddenly brought up the crowbar, shouting at the inanimate object. "DON'T YOU DARE RAT ME OUT YOU BITCH!"

Deadpool turned from the crowbar, seeming to register the confused and frightened faces of his students for the first time.

"Don't worry, she's only a substitute!"

Deadpool casually threw the crowbar over his shoulder. "Okay, let's get started! Now to promote healthy exercise, I'm going to use a special Muggle wand!"

Deadpool bend over, and started rummage around in his gym bag, Ron leaned over to Harry.

" I didn't know Muggles had wands ..."

A sound filled the air that could only be described as demonic.

Harry's suspicions were proven correct, as Deadpool produced his wand - a large, revving chainsaw.

The hockey mask he was wearing over his normal mask wasn't helping.


Harry and Hermione were already running, moving at speeds that would have made their old P.E. Teachers fill with pride.

The rest of the class were starting to back off in fear from their new P.E. Teacher.

Ron was desperately trying to assert himself "You can't .. you ..."

"Ten fingers off Gryffindor!"

" ... don't you mean ... points?"

"You really walked into that one kid."

The headmaster's office afforded a wonderful view of the Quiddich field.

Professor Snape was utilising this view while the headmaster took tea.

"I'm a bit worried about this new teacher ..."

The distant figures of Potter and Granger were way in front of the pack, the bulk of the class behind them.

"… are all Muggles like this?"

"Just certain Americans."

Draco Malfoy was limping as fast as he could while the one called Deadpool was jogging behind, waving the chainsaw device around his head, his B-Grade movie villain laugh audible even from the office.

The unmistakable figure of Hagrid was lying on the field unconscious. Snape guessed that the crowbar next to his head had something to do with his physical state.

Dumbledore finished his cup. "You'll find he'll serve his purpose."

"Just out of curiosity - has anyone ever tested you for senility?"

Dumbledore gave a benign smile. "Many people ... Once."