The Ten Labors of Draco and Hermione
Note: Yikes! It's been SO LONG since I've updated! I'm so sorry! I could try to explain, but my only explanation is Life. Life sucks, and then it really sucks. And sometimes it takes a while to get around it.
And this is a relatively short chapter, sigh. But, fear not, the rest of the story is on its way (just having issues getting it out of my head and onto my computer).
No, honestly I don't mind if you review me frantically and use CAPS lock and scream about how it was such a pointless chapter and not at all worth the wait. It's your right to review, and I deserve shouting and frowny faces, so go ahead. However, very nasty and hot flames will be used to heat the houses of the poor and homeless in the winter. Think on that.
Warning: this chapter is weird, meaning, you might not like it. It is broken up into a lot of sections involving different characters. And, it's a bit more awkward than funny (awkward like when your parents attempt to crack a joke but fail completely and you can't decide whether to pretend to laugh or hide under a mattress). But, I'll let you decide.
This chapter is about Fred and George's first day as members of the Hogwarts staff, because I love those two characters and feel obligated to dedicate a chapter to them. If you are looking for Draco/Hermione romance, go back, reread the last chapter, and pretend that our beloved couple is still together in the teacher's lounge doing certain activities involving large amounts of Cool Whip.
Disclaimer: Obviously, I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, I think he would run away from all the harassment.
Chapter 49 – Here Comes Big Bird
There were two things in the universe which Professor Sprout was afraid of, and one involved the death of Piglet from Winnie-the-Pooh.
The other was that her greenhouses would be rampaged by a giant yellow canary.
After that day, Sprout seriously needed her Cool Whip back.
Four hours earlier…
"Say, George, this teaching thing could take some getting used to," Fred remarked, reclining in his new leather lounge chair they had "imported" (meaning Accio'd) from Italy.
"Indeed, Fred, indeed." George sat up suddenly. "You know what this office needs?"
Fred thought for a moment.
"A smokin' hot veela-secretary with a thick Bulgarian accent and a French manicure?"
George rubbed his hands together.
"D'you think we can get one off eBay?"
Snape was in a good mood. He had brushed his teeth that morning (meaning, he placed a toothbrush within five inches of his mouth), called his mother (who had been the butt of precisely 188,951.5 "yo momma" jokes throughout Snapey's adolescent years), and, top it all off, he had invested in McDonald's, and their stock was on the rise.
It was a good day.
And then, it happened.
"HOLY MATRIMONY! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!"
Snape bent over, peering intently into the mirror above the sink in the men's bathroom. He ran his fingers through his hair repeatedly, but to no avail.
A wail of agony escaped his lips.
This was impossible.
Severus Snape was suffering from hair loss.
"YES! HIGHEST BIDDER!" cried George, jumping out of his chair in glee, images of a veela with a thick Bulgarian accent and a French manicure spontaneously flashing on his computer screen.
But wait, there's more.
"Now, we just have to pay the shipping rates… Twenty five thousand Galleons for air travel, foreign passports, illegal smuggling fines, and liability insurance to cover the young men who commit suicide as a result of veela-induced unrequited love."
"Wouldn't it just be easier to Accio her over?" wondered Fred.
The twins paused in contemplation.
"ACCIO SMOKIN' HOT VEELA WITH A THICK BULGARIAN ACCENT AND A FRENCH MANICURE!"
And then, they waited.
Fred scratched his nose.
George filed his fingernails with a nail file containing the image of Hannah Montana.
All of a sudden…
A yellow canary flew through the window.
Yes, through the closed window.
The canary hiccupped.
And then, it started.
Severus Snape was frantically grabbing books off the library shelves in a vain effort to reverse his sudden hair loss.
"What on earth are you doing? Stop throwing those books!" a voice screeched from around the corner.
Snape halted and realized that he was indeed discarding all the useless books ("How to Fix a Nimbus 2000", "The Ancient History of Peaches", and "The Noble Art of Running Away From a Squirrel") in an untidy pile wherever he went. And he had already gone through seventeen bookshelves.
Madam Pince came into view as she swooped down upon the intruder.
"Professor Snape! I am astonished by your lack of respect for library materials!"
She's so mean nowadays… she used to think I was sexy… Snape mused.
Maybe it IS the hair loss… Snape's eyes widened, and he abruptly dropped the stack of books he had been carrying.
Madam Pince's eyebrows drew together in a furry line.
"GET OUT OF THE LIBRARY. THIS INSTANT."
Snape snatched one last book off the shelf and made a run for it.
"AND DON'T EVER COME BACK! I HOPE THEY FIRE YOU FOR LACK OF HYGIENE!"
The yellow canary (which had defied the laws of physics by flying through the window) opened its beak.
"On behalf of the Confederation of International Trade within the Magical Territories of Europe, the United States, and Puerto Rico, you gentlemen, Fred and George Weasley, are hereby charged with one count of illegal smuggling of prohibited goods under violation of Article three, Section nine hundred seventy-two point five one of the International Code of Wizard Law."
"You lost me at 'the Constipation of International Trade'…"
"And what the heck are you anyways? Are they too cheap to send owls anymore?" George poked the canary with his wand.
"You, sir, are under ARREST!" chirped the canary angrily. Which was a hard sight to take in, giving that a three-inch yellow puffy thing was talking with words and arresting you for illegal smuggling.
"Oh yeah? You and what army? Hah, I've always wanted to say that," Fred let out a chuckle.
"I say, we should just get him," George declared.
The Weasley twins advanced on the poor, stuttering canary with their gorgeous flaming red hair flapping in the light breeze coming out of the vaporizer recently installed in the back corner.
Suddenly, loud footsteps were heard coming down the corridor. George opened the door of his newly furnished office to see what all the noise was.
Snape was running down the corridor while reading pages from a book titled "Hair Loss Reversal Spells"…
…and performing said spells at random, jabbing his wand in the air every few seconds.
Mrs. Norris morphed into a wiggling Persian rug.
Peeves suddenly sprouted unseemly amounts of nostril hair.
Just then, Snape passed by the Weasley twins' office.
Suddenly, the yellow canary was nowhere to be seen. Instead, the Weasleys found themselves face-to-face with Big Bird.
On steroids. There seemed to be some sort of illegal thing going around Hogwarts that day.
"AHH!" cried Snape, turning around and running away.
"AHH!" yelled Fred, grabbing a baseball bat.
"AHH!" shouted George, pulling out a can of pepper spray.
The overstuffed canary gave a squawk.
"What do we do with it?" Fred panicked.
"Shoot it!" cried George.
The canary started running around trying to escape the evil clutches of Gred and Forge. But being a canary, it promptly ran into the window. Or rather, through the window.
And according to the laws of gravity…
"Crap. CRAP. CRAP!" George grabbed his hair. "What do we do now?"
Fred opened the window and peered over the edge.
"I think it crashed into a greenhouse."
George let out a breath.
"We are so fired."
Contrary to popular belief, Severus Snape possessed a conscience. And although his conscience often went on sick leave and "mental health" days, it tended to resurface whenever it felt that our dear Sev-sev was straying from the path of righteousness. And cleanliness.
"Wha? Who's calling?" Snape stopped running away from the Weasley's office.
Severus Cornelius Rutherford Tinky-Winky Udolphus Daniel Radcliffe Pompilion Wendall Anges Snape...
Snape blinked. "Eh?"
"Oh. But it isn't Mother's birthday, or Wormtail's April Fool's Joke, or the anniversary of Voldemort's nose job… what are you doing here?"
You've been a bad, bad boy…
Snape shuddered. "So?"
And you know what happens to naughty people…
Snape gulped. "What?"
They suffer from…
Snape's conscience was having a fun day.
"MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!" Snape shrieked, spinning around in circles. Thank goodness the hallway was deserted, or somebody could've gotten scarred for life.
Snape sat down on the floor and started wailing.
"Oh, I wish Mother was here… What do I do? Don't leave me to die!"
There is only one thing you can do to repay what you have done…
"What is it?"
You must confess your crimes!
"I confess! I confess everything! I broke into a McDonalds, stole socks from a hobo, borrowed Flitwick's Playboy, and turned McGonagall's pet cat into a piece of fried chicken!"
Snape broke into sobs.
"I… I… tried… on… my… mother's… clothing!"
Minutes later, Snape's nervous breakdown was broadcast on CNN, BBC, and YouTube, under a mysterious account known as "the-teaching-staff-at-hogwarts-except-for-snape".
Meanwhile, news of the greenhouse incident had spread as quickly as Wormtail's fart in a public bathroom without ventilation.
Sprout was having a heart attack.
"My plants… my poor plants… Daphne and Isabel and Quimby and Sebastian… what will I do without you?"
"She names her plants?" George whispered to Fred, who shrugged.
"Professor, we will be happy to cover the price of repairs-" Fred began.
"NOTHING CAN TAKE THE PLACE OF THE LOVE OF A PLANT!"
Sprout gave a mighty hiccup, and George noticed that her breath smelled heavily of Cool Whip.
"Okay, then. Well, if there is nothing more we can do here, Fred and I offer our deepest regrets for our momentary lack of judgment-"
"-and we wish you a lovely, wonderful, fulfilling, flippidy-doo-dah day," finished Fred. The twins slowly stepped away from the sobbing professor.
"Wait… what are we gonna do with the canary-thing?" George glanced at the body of the canary, which had miraculously survived the five-story fall and was starting to regain ample consciousness to arrest the twins again, only this time on charges of animal abuse.
"Uhh… well…" Fred stopped.
"There's always the Forbidden Forest."
Notes: Short chapter, I know! But that was kind of a filler (I really don't like filler chapters, but they exist for a reason); the upcoming chapters will be a lot more interesting, especially since Task #8 is only a couple chapters a way (okay so maybe a little bit more than that but it is coming soon)!
Have you ever suddenly thought of an idea and then wrote about it only to realize that it came from somebody else, after you did all the work of writing it out (okay so maybe this has never happened to you, but just pretend)? Well, that's what happened in this chapter: the idea of Big Bird came from CrazyGirl47's The Prank War (which is a hilarious story and everyone should read it if they haven't already done so), and I didn't realize it until I had already mentioned it in the previous chapter and written all about it in this chapter. Oops. The part that the gigantic canary is from Chapter 10 (or somewhere around there) of the Prank War, where Fred and George feed Pig canary creams. This is also featured in Why One Should Never Feed An Owl Canary Creams (same author, brilliant writing).
My idea with Big Bird isn't the same as the one from the aforementioned stories (although they all involve Fred and George… after all, who else would end up with a blown up yellow bird on their hands?), but I felt that I should give CrazyGirl47 credit all the same for coming up with the funny idea in the first place.
Also, check out my profile page – I have set up a poll on what your favorite chapter of this story is! Please vote! The results will be revealed in my next update! Also, if you haven't already done so, please check out my most recent story, "Harry Potter Buys Life Insurance"! It's pretty short and worth a read.
One more thing: I know I've been asking for task ideas for Draco and Hermione, and as of right now, I have them mostly completed. But, I'm still looking for some ideas for the FINAL task (this would be for HERMIONE), which will end the story (wah!). I already have the ending mostly planned out, but I'm just looking for a little inspiration on the task that will go along with it. So… ideas? Leave a review or a private message! Thanks!