Disclaimer: I don't own P&P or Baby Got Back by Sir Mixalot.
"Oh. My. God. Becky, look at her butt. It is. So. Big," Caro Bingley made no attempt to muffle her words as she pointed a long, manicured fingernail at a girl not five steps ahead of them in the crowded hall way leading to the cafeteria. Caro smirked at her best friend and ran her hand over her own tooth-pick-thin "figure," which was resplendently ass-less.
Lizzy archly ignored this comment and even cocked her hip a little in Caro's direction, continuing her lunch-hour conversation with a group of guys and girls she had met in the previous week's classes. As the new girl at Netherfield High school, Lizzy had found she made friends quickly and easily; and she had just as quickly discovered that Caro Bingley ruled, or thought she ruled, most of the upper class social scene. Although only a sophomore, Caro was often to be found hanging around with her older brother Charlie, a senior, and more importantly, his best friend Darcy. Darcy ignored her mostly, and Charlie bore his little sister's brattery with good grace and a crooked grin that endeared him to many of the girls at Netherfield High.
"Your brother is talking to her…and so are his friends…look, there's Kat and Fritha and Lacey and Greg and Jack and Hamish…and look! There's even Darcy!" replied Becky, tugging on Caro's Gucci handbag with one hand while absently twirling a lock of brutally-styled hair around her pinky on the other. Over-bright, she was not.
Caro tugged her bag out of Becky's grasp with an irritated huff of breath, exhaled between lips immaculately glossed in pale pink Revlon shimmer, and tossed her head of bright red curls while chomping viciously on her spearmint gum.
"They only talk to her because she looks like a total prostitute, okay?"
"Even the girls?"
"GOD, Becky, shut UP!" screeched Caro, who then turned 180 degrees and smiled beatifically as she wedged herself between her brother and Darcy at the table the group was sitting at. "Hi Charliiiiiiie!" she squealed. "Oh!" She said, nudging Darcy with her hip and feigning surprise. "Darcy!" She laughed tinnily. "I didn't know YOU would be here."
"Well, I AM your brother's best friend…" said Darcy flatly, taking a swig of his Yoplait and staring determinedly into the middle distance.
"Darcy, you meanie!" Caro swatted him playfully across his chest, turning it into a caress. "You can eat whatever you like and not gain a pound…unlike SOME people," said Caro, turning to face Lizzy, who arched a brow and bit into her Chimi-changa with relish. "Me, I haven't eaten anything solid for weeks…you know, prom's coming up…"
With Caro's back turned to him, Darcy took the opportunity to catch Charlie's eye above Caro's head and mouth the words: "Fucking. Insane," with a small twitch of his chin in Caro's direction. Charlie snorted into his cafeteria spaghetti, and only after he had wiped tomato sauce from his chin and blown the grated cheese out of his nose did he reply to Caro's comment.
"What makes you think you'll be going to prom? You're only a…"
"Sophomore? I went last year, with Mark Emmanuel, didn't I?"
"He was drunk when he asked you and drunk when he took you," said Darcy darkly, unwrapping a tuna salad sandwich.
"He was DREAMY…" said Caro. Realizing a possible error in strategy, she turned back to Darcy, who only just managed to suppress his flinch-instincts. "Not that YOU aren't, Darcy." She patted his shoulder. "Don't go getting jealous over me…" Again, the cackle.
"What are you wearing to prom, Lizzy?" asked Becky, who was already an item with Greg, and therefore assured of her place at prom. "You're coming, aren't yo-OW!" Becky glared at Caro. "Why'd you stomp on my foot?"
"Foot slipped," said Caro sweetly, raising a slim leg up in the air, hooking her knee over Darcy's long-suffering shoulder. "These stilettos are MURDER." She said, placing heavy emphasis on the last word, upon which the hapless and to-be-pitied Becky did not pick up. Having been taught to politely try and include everyone in the conversation, she turned back to Lizzy:
"So, do you have a dress picked out?" Caro's leg came down from Darcy's shoulder with an unceremonious thud and a disgruntled snort masked as a sigh.
"I'm actually making mine…I learned to sew from my aunt, who—"
"Fancy that!" interrupted Caro. "I'm having mine made as well! Who's your designer?"
"Uh…myself, actually. I draw fairly good patterns, and I saw this dress in a 2004 catalogue that I think Id like to replicate with a few personal touches."
"2004?" repeated Caro, looking as scandalized as if Lizzy had announced her plans to attend the prom in full space-alien regalia. "Well I've got this DIVINE creation from Oscar de la Renta—a family friend, you know, he just did it as a favour to me—and it's practically backless and sheer. I won't be wearing any bra, and I've got this cute little black lace thong, but of course I might just have to go without…"
Silence fell at the table as if a bomb had exploded in the Chicken Eggplant Special Surprise.
"Right, well, I really should go to my next class…I had some algebra notes I wanted to go over with Mrs. Gardiner," said Lizzy, standing with her tray as she hitched her backpack over her shoulder. She turned to leave, weaving her way through the throngs of hormonal youth towards the door.
"As if SHE could ever wear anything but a burlap toga to cover her fat ass," spat Caro, glancing around the table, looking for approval of her apparent gem of wit, and continuing regardless: "I mean, her butt, it's just so BIG," she said, rolling her eyes with a scoff. "I can't believe, it's just so ROUND…it's like, OUT THERE, I mean, gross! Look!" she pointed to where Lizzy stood on the other side of the room, dumping the remains of her lunch into the trash bin.
Darcy chugged the last of his Yoplait and found his eyes inexplicably fastened on the very posterior which Caro was bent on ick-ifying.
"I like big butts
and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tongue
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that butt you got makes me so horny."
Whoa. Where did that come from?
Darcy shook his head to clear the backbeat as the bell shrilly rang in unison with Caro's incessant chatter, which had now faded to a tolerable-in-not-pleasant drone in the back of his mind.
"Yeah," he said loudly as he stood up, in denial of his own inclinations, "she's totally…a lard ass, uh-huh." He looked up only too see Lizzy standing right in front of him. His mouth dropped open and his tray nearly slipped from his hands. Caro chuckled wickedly, and Lizzy simply rolled her eyes and gave a small, patronizing smile.
"I forgot my binder," she said, grabbing it off the table. "Please excuse my fat ass," she said sweetly, hip-checking Darcy into the edge of the table, painfully, as she left, chatting in low tones with Kat, who joined in Lizzy's laughter at whatever the joke was. Darcy headed for his next class, wishing, for some reason, it was algebra.
Darcy hated math.
After school, Darcy unlocked his car and chucked his books into the passenger seat. As he slid behind the wheel, a flash of motion caught the corner of his eye, and before he could grind out a decent excuse, Caro had seated herself in the passenger seat after dumping his textbooks on the floor.
"Give me a ride home,
Darcy?" Though phrased like a question, it was no less a command,
coming from Caro. As Darcy turned the key in the ignition, his
miserably trapped gaze saw Lizzy Bennet passing in front of his car
as she made her way to the bus stop. He thought perhaps he should
offer her a ride home. After all, she didn't live too far from his
house…and to apologize for his rudeness…maybe make it up to her
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupy…"
"Darcy! Start the damn car already!" Caro snapped at him, rolling down her window while she played with her bangles and swept a lock of hair back into place, putting on her glittery sunglasses.
A few days later, Darcy was studying for an algebra exam during his free period when Charlie slipped up beside him in the library.
"Hey, Caro 'forgot' her jazz shoes this morning and just sent me a text on my cell to see if I could bring them to her dance class. I promised Jane I'd meet her during my spare period, and I was wondering if you could just dash down and…"
"Yeah, sure, why not…" said Darcy, grabbing the shoes and shoving his books into his backpack.
Darcy opened the door to the high school girl's dance class to see everyone doing warm up stretches. Everyone wore sweats or shorts, but Caro was, of course, not to be outdone, and was the only one in a full leotard and legwarmers get-up. The black leotard was skin tight, and Caro pranced over to Darcy and kissed him on the cheek.
"Ohhhh you're such a sweetie to bring me my shoes! Do you want to stay and watch the class? You have a free period, don't you? You could help me do my stretches…" Again she hooked her knee over his shoulder.
"Is that even a real stretch move? Look, I think it's not such a good idea if I stay…" Darcy trailed off as he spotted Lizzy warming up with a couple of her friends, her back to Darcy. As he stared, she dropped into a stretch position where she was hugging the backs of her sweatpants-clad calves.
"Maybe just for a minute," said Darcy, swallowing a little as his throat suddenly seemed to be very dry.
"I've seen them
The hell with romancin'
She's sweat, wet,
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!"
Darcy only managed to re-focus as Caro was treating him to a personal lap-dance until the teacher called her away to begin practicing the routine and shooed Darcy out of the room.
"This," he muttered, "has got to stop."
The doorbell rang at Darcy's house, and he swung open the door to reveal Charlie, Greg, Hamish, Jack, and a few other guys from their circle of friends.
"It's the Third Friday of the Month," yelled Charlie.
"You know what that means!" beamed Greg.
"You can thank my older brother for hooking us up with fake IDs," Hamish said proudly.
"If Becky finds out she'll kill me," said Greg, looking a little scared. "But one must uphold the tradition of…"
"FREAKY PORNO FRIDAY!" they all sang out in unison.
"Come on in guys," said Darcy. "Who brought the chips this time? There's Bud in the minibar downstairs."
Later, as Darcy and his friends sat watching 'Catholic Schoolgirls on Spring Break, Volume Four: Cowgirl Mania' and 'Tell Me Where It Hurts: Doctor Dixie Does Domination,' Darcy couldn't help his mind from wandering back to Lizzy Bennet. She was funny, kind, smart, not to mention pretty damn cute. She seemed to be everything that the girls on the screen were not. He could hardly believe that the blonde, buxom androids masquerading as women in the videos had once turned him on. By the time Hamish put 'All Anal, All the Way, All the Time; Volume Eight: Lonesome Housewives Strike Back' into the VCR, Darcy couldn't help but be slightly disgusted by the frankly obvious set-ups and cheesy one-liners.
"I like 'em round,
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy
'Cause silicone parts are made for toys
I want 'em real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mix-a-Lot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble."
"I'm confused," said Greg, Becky's mental counterpart. "One minute she's cleaning the toilet with the scrubber, then the repairman comes in and the scrubber just disappears…I mean, where did it go? Major plot hole is you ask me."
"Stop trying to be smart. Now is not the time to point out plot holes, Greg," said Charlie.
"Dude, the plot is not where the important holes are," said Jack.
"You can kind of see the scrubber handle at the bottom of the screen, whenever the repairman's ass moves out of the way," offered Hamish.
"I don't…ohhhhh!" said Greg, as realization hit him. "So they didn't get rid of it, he just stuck it…"
There was a moment of silence.
"Dude…do most chicks, y'know, go for that kind of thing?"
"No! Now shut up, dude!"
"If you ask me, porn and all that seems to just cheapen something that ought to be special…" said Darcy.
…Cue the chorus of crickets.
"Dude, Darcy…" Jack clamped his hands over the ears of the blow-up doll who sat on the couch between himself and Greg. "You're going to hurt Veronica's feelings."
After his friends left, Darcy found himself unable to sleep, so he quietly turned on the TV, switching the channel to MTV. Normally, this put him to sleep, but one of the girls had a face that was remarkably like to Lizzy's. He peered at the scantily clad dancer, but was oddly turned off by her fleshless gyrating. He turned it off and went to his computer, and clicked on Lizzy's name in his address book, opening a new e-mail. But what should he say?
"So I'm lookin' at
Knock-kneed bimbos walkin' like hoes."
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sistas, I wanna get with ya
I won't cuss or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna ----
Til the break of dawn
Baby got it goin' on
A lot of simps won't like this song
'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on
So, ladies! Yeah! Ladies! Yeah
If you wanna role in my Mercedes Yeah!
Then turn around! Stick it out!
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back!
Yeah, baby ... when it comes to females, Cosmo ain't got nothin'
to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3".
"Shit, not again," said Darcy, shaking his head and pressing the delete key.
"Darcy! Guess who's got a date for Saturday night with Jane!"
"Jane…isn't she the skinny chick from English class?"
"I wouldn't say skinny…slender, more like. Skinny sounds so unhealthy."
"She's cute, but a little…I think she could use some more curves."
"Look, she's got all the bits and pieces to make her a girl, and it's my preference, not yours. Jane's a tri-athlete, of course she's gonna be fit."
Darcy said nothing more.
girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none
Unless you've got buns, hun
You can do side bends or sit-ups,
But please don't lose that butt."
A week later, Darcy turned a corner at school in an empty hallway to see a red-eyed Lizzy slam her locker door and walk quickly away from him. Darcy called out, but she didn't turn around. He had to run to catch up with her, and only when he put a hand on her shoulder did she stop and face him; and even then she refused to make eye contact with him.
"I don't see how it's any of your business."
"Look, I want to be your friend…" …and park my bike in your…now is NOT the time, Darcy's teenage libido..."…will you please tell me what's wrong?"
"I…I just…oh, it's stupid."
"Tell me." There was a superior tone that Lizzy wanted to archly beat down, but her roiling emotions needed to vent and her heart begged for someone to just listen to what she had to say.
"I…I asked Hamish if he wanted to go to the prom with me…"
"Oh." Darcy had a sudden, vague—nay, strong—urge to beat Hamish's ass. "And?" He tried to keep his tone light and noncommittal.
"He said no." Lizzy sniffled. "We were getting along so great, that I thought, maybe…" she shook her head. "But he's just like every other guy. He only wants a skinny supermodel like Caro to hang on his arm and give him a blowjob.'
"Not every guy wants Caro, or anyone like Caro…or a blowjob."
"Really?" Lizzy looked so hopeful.
"No, that's a lie."
Her face fell.
"Every guy wants a blowjob." Lizzy's face registered shock only a moment before she broke into a grin, her laughter still wet with her tears and interspersed with hiccups. For Darcy it was like the sunshine after the rain, and he suddenly felt like he would do anything if it meant he never had to see Lizzy cry that way again.
"I suppose that's true. Thanks Darcy. Thanks for cheering me up." She considered him thoughtfully. "You know, at first I thought you were being all too-cool-for-school, but you're surprisingly down-to-earth." Lizzy glanced at her feet and paused. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Do you think I'm fat?"
"PAGING DARCY. PAGING DARCY. DARCY, THIS IS YOUR BRAIN. LISTEN TO ME, DO NOT ANSWER THIS QUESTION. THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY FOR YOU TO GIVE A GOOD ANSWER HERE. THIS IS A TRAP, I REPEAT, THIS IS A TRAP. DO NOT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ANSWER THIS QUESTION."
"Uh…no." Lizzy looked doubtful.
"Really? I read this article in Cosmo that told you how to measure your body fat percentage, and…"
"Lizzy, are you going to believe a magazine article that caters to the generic masses, or someone who is standing in front of you, someone who looks at you on a regular basis, someone who…cares about you."
Lizzy glanced at him, all at once surprised, confused, and uncertain.
wanna play that "hard" role
And tell you that the butt ain't gold
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that!
'Cause your waist is small and your curves are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the beanpole dames in the magazines:
You ain't it, Miss Thing!
Give me a sista, I can't resist her
Red beans and rice didn't miss her
Some knucklehead tried to dis
'Cause his girls are on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And I pull up quick to get wit 'em."
Lizzy glanced at him, all at once surprised, confused, and uncertain.
"Y—what do you mean?"
"I mean…if you don't have anyone else to go with…would you…I mean, would you like to go to the prom? With me, I mean. Go to the prom with me. As my date. Together. Me, dating you, you, dating me. I'd really enjoy that."
Lizzy shook her head.
"Look, I'm sorry. Darcy, I really appreciate the pity offering and all, but honestly, I can't trust your opinion of me. What, one week I'm a lard-ass and now suddenly you wanna go out with me? I apologize if it just doesn't ring true with me."
"Lizzy, what do I need to do to get you to believe me when I say I like you for who you are, and whatever flaws you may have or think you may have, I like you in spite of them. I can't help it. I've tried to talk myself out of it, but I just can't, and of course it goes against all reason, but I just…like you."
Lizzy's face was impassive.
"In SPITE of my flaws, you 'can't help it,' you tried to talk yourself out of liking me? You know what? Fuck off, Darcy." Lizzy turned on her heel and went down the hall, soon turning a corner and disappearing from sight.
"What am I gonna do, Charlie?" said Darcy.
"There's only one thing you can do. Sacrifice yourself on the altar of humiliation." Charlie clapped his friend on the back. "Go to it."
The next day at school, Lizzy was sitting in homeroom, waiting for rollcall, and trying not to notice Darcy's conspicuous absence. Suddenly the PA shrieked with feedback, and as everyone started to swear with their hands clapped over their ears, a static-y voice filtered through the speaker.
"Uh, hello, Netherfield High. This is Darcy Fitzgerald, senior, and I have some announcements to make. So, here goes…" He cleared his throat. " Number One: I keep an online diary…well it's not a diary, it's a journal, really. Shut up, Greg." Greg sat up straight in his chair and stopped his sniggering and looked wide-eyed at the wall-mounted speaker and the disembodied voice of Darcy. "Number Two: At lunch-hour today, posted throughout the school for your viewing pleasure will be copies of a photograph of me, when I was 4, in my mother's high heels, miniskirt, and floral sunhat. Number Three: I wet the bed until I was 7. Number Four: I have sensitive skin, and therefore cannot wear many name-brand articles of clothing as they contain synthetic fibres or chemical dyes which irritate my skin."
Lizzy heard an ear-splitting shriek coming from down the hall. Room 149, which was Caro's homeroom. "Number Five: My favourite movies are The Princess Bride and Finding Nemo. Number Six: I have a strawberry birthmark shaped like a...well, like a dick, uh, on the back of my left leg. So, uh, now you all know a few of the most embarrassing things about me. These are really only the beginnings of my flaws, and mostly I am just making you all aware of them in the hopes that the girl I like…the girl I'm in love with…will like…love me back in spite of them. I'm hoping that she can maybe talk herself into loving me the way I love her…but if she really truly feels that she can't…then that's okay. I would never ask her to do anything she didn't want to, and I want her to know that I would never go after anything I didn't truly want with all of my heart. Thank you and have a nice day." There was a crackle, then dead air, then silence as Lizzy sat, stunned, in her chair. The bell rang, and everyone flowed out into the hallway for lunch, eagerly chattering about this latest scandal. Lizzy passed Becky, who was trying to comfort an overwrought Caro, who was sobbing, her makeup in streaks down her face, wailing.
"And after all the times I bought Armani for him!" she choked out. "I can't believe he would keep something like this from me!"
Lizzy continued down the hallway alone, and only stopped when she saw Darcy standing in front of her, a few feet away, facing her as the masses of students flowed around them like a river around two rocks. A few guys jeered at Darcy, who ignored them. A shy smiled lit Lizzy's face, and relief washed over Darcy in waves.
"Ever since you hip-checked me…in the heart, as it were."
"I can't believe you admitted all that to the student body."
"Not to mention the faculty."
"You didn't have to…you could have e-mailed me or something."
"Well, I didn't…"
Darcy slipped his arms around Lizzy and kissed her. Lizzy wound one arm around his neck, and with the other hand she grabbed his hand and moved it so it rested on her behind. She smiled under his lips and he grinned as well, making them both laugh as he gave her healthy tush a quick squeeze.
"So ladies, if the
butt is round,
And you want a triple X throw down,
And kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back!
Little in the middle but she got much back.
Little in the middle but she got much back.
Little in the middle but she got much back.
Little in the middle but she got much back."