Challenge: Urban Legends, with irony, the sannin, lack of swearwords in a creative way, and glasses.

Naruto didn't know why, but whenever Jiraiya ever promised him a training exercise, they always seemed to end up in a bar. There was never much training done either. Just Jiraiya talking, usually after he'd thrown back a couple glasses of sake. Today, the topic seemed to be the glory days. "You should've seen me, brat. That mission was the one where they started calling us the sannin, but it was really all me. There I was, the Sun princess huddled at my feet, Cloud-nin on all sides of us and Tsunade and Orochimaru no where in sight. Of course, it would've been easy to kill them all on a normal assignment, as great as I am, but it was my duty to protect the princess at any cost, so when the Cloud-nin rushed us, I grabbed her around the waist and jumped up into the air. It was then that I knew it was time to use the ultra-special technique I'd just developed."

Jiraiya languidly poured himself another glass, Naruto waiting impatiently. Most of the time, the blond genin didn't pay much attention to his teacher's bragging, but he'd always had a bit of a soft spot for tales of valor and rescuing maidens, if only because it was nice to know that things would always turn out alright in the end. "Hurry up, Ero-sennin! What'd you do?"

Jiraiya grinned; there was very little he loved more than a captive audience. "It was a rather brilliant variation on an Earth jutsu I'd learned recently. Before any of the Cloud-nin could jump off the ground to follow me, they'd all been sucked in by my technique. By the time I'd landed, there weren't any enemies left to fight. The princess wanted to marry me, of course, seeing as I'd saved her from certain death and I was a dashing and handsome young man; almost as good looking as I am now! But of course, I refused, seeing as the rescue had been my duty as a shinobi and I just couldn't in good conscience take advantage of such a beautiful young woman."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "You're making that up. If she was really as pretty as you're making her out to be, you'd have married her in a second."

Jiraiya shook his head sadly. "Naruto, Naruto. You make your inexperience all too obvious. If the same offer was made to me now, of course I would accept. But back then I couldn't pin myself down to one woman, no matter how beautiful she was. Young men need their freedom. You will learn that someday, when some sweet young thing approaches you-"

"Jiraiya." Both Naruto and his teacher turned to see the Godaime leaning against a nearby wall. Jiraiya's eyes widened. "I can't believe what's coming out of your mouth. That was the biggest pile of-"

"Tsunade!" The toad sannin attempted to jump to his feet, but had to steady himself as the alcohol began to take effect. "Mind your language; there are children present."

The Fifth Hokage sighed. "Jiraiya, it's kind of pathetic that you're inventing lies just to impress your new apprentice."

Naruto's face fell. "You mean none of the story ever happened?"

"Oh, most of it's true enough. Jiraiya, let us say, has just twisted one or two details. I'll set it straight for you. Here's how the mission really came about..."


Snake sannin and medic-nin alike stared at the enormous pile of wealth stacked at the entrance to their headquarters. After a moment, Orochimaru spoke. "Kabuto, the location of Otogakure is a complete mystery to the entirety of the shinobi world. Can you please tell me how she still manages to find out my address no matter where I move?"

Kabuto adjusted his glasses and leaned forward to more thoroughly examine a rather elaborate container filled to the brim with chocolate covered figs. "Personal team of tracker-nins, perhaps?"

"You'd think after thirty years she'd start to realize that I'm never going to accept her proposal."

"Well, you did rescue her from certain death, Orochimaru-sama. Women tend to be overly sentimental and persistent about that sort of thing. And it isn't that terrible an offer. Becoming the consort to the Empress of the Sun Country would come with all sorts of benefits. Servants, riches, unrestricted access to the royal library..."

"Perhaps I should send you in my place to marry her, Kabuto."

Kabuto shuddered. "She's old enough to be my mother, Orochimaru-sama."

Orochimaru smirked and to address the regiment of ornamented guards who had delivered the Empress's gifts. "Bring it all back. And please tell her the answer is still no."

The guards bowed and began to load the plethora of jewels, rare books, fine wines, gold, and exotic food back onto the carriages. Kabuto watched sadly as the chocolate covered figs were carted away. "We could have at least kept some of it this time around, Orochimaru-sama."

"Perhaps when hell freezes over, Kabuto."