Title: An Elf-lord's Patience
Author: Ainu Laire
Rating: PG, K+
Genre: Humor/Parody
Summary: Elrond Peredhel has quite a lot of patience, but even he can lose his temper. And as the Council of Elrond is interrupted once again, a few Sues find that even the Lord of Rivendell can lose it… Inspired by a comment made by xevochicin the community deleterius on LiveJournal. Silly, uncanonical, and written forfun. Hope you enjoy


Elrond Halfelven looked around at the council once more and frowned to himself. Five. Never before has there been five; usually there was one or two, every now and then three… but five? How in the world could handle five of… of them?

Sitting in his council were members that were supposed to be there: Frodo, Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and others. Sitting with them were people that were not supposed to be there: five strange-looking girls, women, elves, or some strange species that could possibly not exist. These females always somehow found themselves in a chair when the council session started, and he could not get rid of them.

But Elrond was a patient elf-lord. He has lived for over six thousand years, and one usually developed a good amount of patience over that amount of time. So he had tolerated these females and their rude, strange, and overall annoying ways. Because he tolerated it, everyone else did. Gandalf once said something about it, but Elrond had reminded him that it was the Council of Elrond, not the Council of Gandalf.

He could not exactly explain why this day kept on repeating itself over and over. He supposed it was a good thing, though; every time these strange 'ladies' had joined the Fellowship, and every single time he really could not stop them. But as time kept on repeating itself, the Fellowship never actually left on their Quest. Though it did get annoying repeat the same day over and over. Elrond supposed he would not really mind it if it weren't for these ignorant, annoying girls that always managed to get into the council.

And now on this day there were five of them. The members of the council did not seem to be too happy about it, either. Frodo was nearly cutting the circulation off of Gandalf's arm as he clutched him in fear and paranoia, for sitting right next to him was this mortal girl Elrond assumed to be around fourteen or fifteen years. These girls were one of the most common type. This certain girl was wearing pink paint on her nails, wore the tight, very low leggings he had learned were called 'jeans', a skimpy shirt, and this strange paint on her eyelids. And she was gawking at the poor hobbit. No wonder Frodo was terrified.

Elrond turned his gaze to Isildur's heir. Aragorn looked like he wanted to take out the broken hilt of Narsil and stab it into the one who was nearly leaning on him. She was an elf; a princess of some land beyond the sea, she had claimed. Elrond resisted the urge to snort at the thought. 'Beyond the sea' indeed! No one came from the Undying Lands to Middle-earth; no one had for over two thousand years. And she, of all people, a princess… she was too… odd. She had very dark hair with odd silver and blue streaks in it. Her clothes were too frilly and impractical for even a princess, and her demeanor was completely inappropriate. She was practically hanging off of Aragorn, and looked as if she wanted to kiss him and… well, he didn't want to think about it. He was just glad it was not him inAragorn's position.

Though he'd rather be the Dúnadan than the Mirkwood elf, he immediately admitted to himself as he looked to Legolas, who had two girls flanking him. He looked like he wanted to disappear into his chair… or slaughter them. Most likely the latter. Of the two who covered him, one was a half-elf who claimed to behis daughter (Elrond laughed at the thought; Arwen was his one and only daughter, and was much better than her), while the other claimed to be the daughter of Galadriel. Elrond had almost lost his temper there… Galadriel had one daughter, and she was the most lovely elleth to ever walk the earth. Unfortunately, however, his wife was across the sea and could not showthis imposterwhat a true daughter of Galadriel looked like.

The fifth… the fifth, he had to admit to himself, was definitely the oddest one he had seen yet. The most noticeable thing about her was the fact that she had wings. Big, black, bat-like wings. She was currently flying over the council, looking bored. She also wore black; more black than even one of the Nazgûl could pull off. She had pointed teeth, and this strange power to fly faster than physically possible. It was a bit annoying.

Now that he thought of it, all of these strange females had some sort of power. The girl, who was from some place called Earth (as were so many of them), claimed to know all of their futures. The one princess hanging off of Aragorn had the power to shift forms into any animal she pleased, while his 'daughter' had this large blue jewel that gave her the 'gift of healing and love'. Galadriel's 'daughter' had the power to read minds. He has had a lot of mind readers. It was really quite disconcerting, and he always tried to keep his mind closed from them.

And now, he cleared his throat, keeping back a sigh. It was time to begin. He had no idea how he was going to handle this one…

"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old," he began. "You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor-"

"They are no threat. I can take on Sauron blindfolded," the one by Aragorn bragged. Aragorn rolled his eyes, and then moved as far as he could from her without leaving his seat.

Elrond stared at her, disbelieving. "I am sure you can, uh, erm-"

"Lady Lalaithawenderiel," she said in a tone that implied that anyone who did not know that was stupid and unworthy. "Princess Moonflower, lady of the elves of-"

"Yes, yes, of course," Elrond interrupted, waving his hand impatiently. He didn't need to hear her whole name. "As I was saying… Middle-earth stands on the brink of destruction. None can escape it-"

"You cannot stop it, Father?" asked his 'daughter'. Everyone at the council was openly staring at her as if she were mad. Which, of course, she was.

"No, I cannot," said Elrond, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

The girl brought up her big, blue-silver eyes to stare at him. He did not know how they were blue-silver eyes; they just… were. Her face took on an expression that displayed absolute terror. "You cannot, Father! Then how shall I, Elwen Dawnstar, be able do anything?"

"You cannot do anything, and I never said you could," Elrond growled. She was about to open her mouth when Galadriel's 'daughter' interrupted.

"He may not be able to do anything, but my mother and I can. We can protect everyone in Middle-earth!"

"And what is Celeborn, chop suey?" Aragorn snarled. Everyone turned to stare at him. "Learned it from one of the girls last week," he shrugged.

The girl simply ignored him and continued talking. "Galadriel and I can protect everyone by the power of our elven rings!"

"There are three elven rings," growled Gandalf, barely keeping his temper.

"Yes. One, Narya, belongs to I, the Lady Liniel. Nenya belongs to my mother, and the other, Vilya, to El-"

Elrond quickly continued his speech before the stupid girl revealed the secret information. He already knew that Galadriel would have killed this Liniel right on the spot for revealing her ownership to Nenya. Though Gandalf looked as if he was going to kill her for claiming ownership to Narya.

"You will unite or you will fall," he said in a loud voice. "Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom-"

"Really, it's not that big of a deal," said the flying girl in a bored voice. She was now hovering right over the pedestal in the middle of the council. "I mean, if you really want to destroy this ring, I'll just fly it over to Mount Doom and there. No more doom."

"I have not even reached that part!" Elrond screamed, and then turned to Frodo and snarled, "Bring out that stupid Ring!"

Frodo, absolutely terrified, ran up to the pedestal, put it down, and ran back to his seat all within the time of five seconds. Everyone was staring at Elrond.

Elrond took a few calming breaths. Breathe in, breathe out. He only needed to handle them for a few more minutes, that was it… just a few more minutes…

He looked to Frodo, now a bit calmer. "My apologies," he said. Frodo merely nodded, eyes still wide. The girl sitting right by him tried to give him a small kiss to help him feel better. He squeaked and nearly jumped onto Gandalf. Gandalf merely raised his eyebrows.

Before Elrond could continue, the girl with wings started talking again. "I should take the Ring to Mount Doom and destroy it. I'd be hero of Middle-earth, and I'd get back at my dad at the same time… yea, 'Morthornwen, Heroine of the World' has a nice ring to it…"

"'Get back at your dad?' What do you mean?" Legolas spoke for the first time, and the two elves by his side lit up… literally. It was a bit eerie.

"My dad is Sauron," she responded in a bored voice.

"That is so cool!" the girl by Frodo said. "I wish I had a cool dad, but I've only got a plumber for a dad. He beats me. And my mom's a prostitute and an alcoholic. So is my dad. I mean an alcoholic, not a prostitute. I bet Sauron is a cool dad-"

"Would you hush?" Elrond growled, and the girl turned to him.

"Why should I? Who died and made you king?"

"Gil-galad," he growled, "but I declined the position." The girl frowned.

"Whose Gil-galad? Is he hot?"

"No, he's cold. Cold and dead," said Gandalf bluntly. The girl looked confused.

"What? I don't get it-"

"Would you just be quiet and listen, girl?" Frodo hissed at her. He also was getting agitated.

"My name is not 'girl'!" she huffed. "It's Kate. But that name sucks. I like to be called Kathelindersulwenithweni-"

"Quiet, Kate," Gandalf growled.

"Why should she listen to you?" Lalaithawenderiel demanded, standing up. "Who do you think you are?"

"Gandalf is a wizard!" Gimli spoke, also standing up. "He has an excellent reputation, and it would do you well to hold your tongue!"

"Who asked you, dwarf?" spat Liniel.

"Think you are so high and mighty over me, you foul creature!" Gimli yelled, preparing his axe. Liniel took out her bow and drew an arrow. Lalaithawenderiel also had drawn her sword. Kate smiled, eager to see this fight. Morthornwen looked bored. Elwen looked terrified. Elrond looked furious.

"YOU SHALL NOT INTERRUPT MY COUNCIL!" he yelled in a very loud, commanding elf-lord voice. "I shall slay the next one to interrupt me again!" Everyone fell silent, all staring at him. Eyes wide, he glared at all five of the girls. "You. Shall. Not. Interrupt. My. Council. Again." There was silence.

"Honestly, I don't think you'd do it-" started Liniel in her haughty voice. She found herself wrong.

Elrond suddenly remembered his days as a warrior when he drew his oddly conveniently-placed sword and cut off Liniel's head. Once her body fell to the ground and her head flew away, there was a deadly silence.

Then chaos broke.

Lalaithawenderiel snarled and lunged for Elrond. Aragorn immediately drew the broken hilt of Narsil, and withits sharp end, stabbed her in the back. Kate tried to flee, but Frodo became very un-hobbit-like and tackled her. Morthornwen tried to flee,and although she was fast, Legolas was faster, and quickly he shot her through her heart. As he was distracted, Elwen took this as her chance to kiss the Mirkwood prince, seeing as her scary competition was finally gone. Gimli, however, saw this and quickly slew her down. Legolas looked to see his 'rescuer', and when he saw the dwarf, a small smile came to his face. And people think that their friendship started in Lórien…

All was silent in the council area. The five girls were dead (Kate had ran away from Frodo and fell off a conveniently-placed cliff). Soon their bodies turned to ashes and a soft wind blew their remains away. Though weapons were bloody and adrenaline was pumping through their veins, they felt at peace.

Elrond sighed as he put down his sword. "My apologies-" he started.

"Apologies, my lord? You did us all a favor!" Boromir said, bowing to the elf-lord. "Long have I wanted to slay these foul creatures."

"Aye, Lord Elrond," said Gandalf, a twinkle in his eye. "It is good that even an elf-lord can losehis patience."

Elrond gave a small smile and sat back down, as did the other members of the council. They all looked at him expectedly.

With a big grin, Elrond stood up. Taking a deep breath and putting on a somber face, he started. "Strangers from distant lands, friends of old…"

Everything was back to normal.