(Pairing: Sakano/Touma)

For "My Shachou"


It occurred to me once it was: living like this was just like rewinding and fast-forwarding a video-tape. Soon enough I realized, to much discomfort, the crisp picture on the television screen would wear down and inevitably break all together. Everytime I hit play I'm just wearing down my chances of returning tomorrow.

Could never stop myself from raising my eyes as I worked tediously, glancing your way. Once I noticed your brilliant eyes striking mine I would always jerk them away again--frightened. You would consider me a nuisance, a strange character in your 'normal' world if you knew how I felt. But tell me, with all your 'fame and glory', do you ever see me, Seguchi-san?

I want the attention you draw to me toevaporate. Every time you watch me I want to shrink away and become camouflaged. You want to know what I'm thinking. Seguchi-san, it's not what you are... I'm not like those ignorant fan-boys that worship you. Although I would do anything you wanted me to and it horrifies me. I know that I would give in to your whims. I would rather die than let myself be seduced by you... or I would die if you seduced me. I still confuse myself sometimes.

Once I'm safe at home, I lay in bed... staring at my ceiling as I wish... 'If you could just pretend to love me...'

Pretend. Forgive me for asking but are you a great actor or are you just terrible? Hiding from those feelings you produce a false smile and vomit your faux-happiness for the other employees to see. My mindfulness forces me to understand your insides, Seguchi-san but my cowardliness prevents me from speaking.

"You love Eiri-san don't you? You don't understand why he doesn't love you the same way you do... Yet, you care about Mika-san as well..."

Why did Buddhism make me into such a worrisome moron? I can't do anything without thinking of you or anyone else around me. When did love become so difficult? I can't even associate an 'I love you' when I think of you sometimes. Because I know deep within my heart if I were to utter the words to you, Shachou, it wouldn't be fair to either of us.

Maybe I wouldn't ever need to tell you how I felt, maybe my fidgeting posture and my flushed cheeks would give me away in a moment. The way every time you ask me something, Seguchi-san, I would reply with a stammering, "H-hai-i, Shachou-u!" You think I'd do anything for you. I hate to think of what your inner-darkness thinks of my hopeless love for you, that is what scares me so. I pray that you never want to take advantage of your position over me and that you would understand why I choose to hide my eyes when you enter the room.

Don't think it's true! There are things, few in number, that I would not do for you. My Shachou I respect you too much to let you ruin your life... and that is what true love is all about. I adore you so much I'd never once tell you that I would be at peace if I were in your arms. So I'll keep playing my childish game, avoiding your gaze at every chance, denying to everyone else (myself included) that I care about you more than just a 'shachou'.

I pray to Buddha you never want to test out the limits of my 'loyalty' to you. I couldn't take it, I would give in to you in the end, and then hate myself for doing so. It takes me strength enough as it is everyday to not give some hint to my desires involving you. I'm not certain myself, Seguchi-san, what I'd do if I had you. However, I don't explore those inviting thoughts; I don't want to think about things that will never come true. Reality is this: You have someone else. I'm happy for you, truly joyous unlike those selfish people who can't let go of those they love.

I have a prayer for you every morning when I light an incense (it takes place between my prayer to the buddhas of wisdomand the health of the world, naturally). I sense my prayer within the pit of my stomach, like cave-dwelling bats fluttering around blindly inside, until it spreads across my body--and I can only hope my whole-hearted wish reaches you someday.

"Please love Mika with all your heart.

Please don't notice my love for you.

Live well, Shachou.

Live without knowing my affections for you.

Let your life be long and healthy.

Let my heart be guarded around you..."


Authors note: Well, it was supposed to be Sakano/Touma (one-sided), in case you couldn't tell by all the "Shachou"s. What's sad is that half way through this I realize that I was putting my own feelings into this one. It's silly but I earned the nickname "Sakano" from one of my friends because of my obvious crush on my co-worker (yes, he was a "Shachou")... and this fiction actually kind of tells how I felt at the time (and still do). I realize after much meditation that I didn't love him like everyone else thought I did. I loved him in the way that was more selfless than I'll ever admit. Even if I could never tell him what I felt writing this made me feel better... Someday, in this life or some other, I know I'll met someone like him that I will be happy with...

Could you tell readers tell me my damage? I'm sorry if I got it too OOC, please tell me if I did, okay?

Heide DeVries