Sailormoon Visits Jerry Springer (The Rebirth)
By: Hinatetsu (Lita Ami Bunny)
Hello everyone. Wow, it's been, what, about 5 years since I've last worked on this story? Since then, I've become obsessed with many other animes and manga series, but yet again I've fallen back in love with Sailor Moon. Sailor Moon (especially the manga) was my first anime love and will always be listed among my anime favorites, and has been for 6 years now.
I've also been actively working on my websites these past few years; starting most recently with my Inuyasha and Kagome shrine, Trust, which was the largest IK shrine on the internet (I have since then adopted it out) and my collections have expanded to include my four web domains and the two others that I help out with, which are all located on my domain collective: Actually, to tell the truth, it is because of my websites that I decided to come back and finish/revise this story.
I was reminiscing my old, old websites, like Bunny's SailorMoonPalace (geeze, it's been years), and somehow came across my forsaken fan fiction archives site, which, ironically, is still 'alive' and hosted on geocities. As I was browsing through the site I came across this story, and had to laugh at the stupidity. But then I thought, "Why let this genius idea go to waste?" and decided to revise and bring the story back to life.
Why revision? Because when I read the story a few years after writing it, I was horrified at my poor grammar and the lack of adjectives. I first wrote this story, I think, when I was in 10th grade and I am now two years graduated from high school, and a massage/fitness therapy school student (soon to be an astronomy major). So I felt the dire need to correct this fiction before reposting it.
For those of you who read and were fans of this story 5ish years ago, I really hope that you enjoy this revision. Please take note that my style of writing has changed dramatically; I use proper punctuation, word usage, spelling and lots and lots of adjectives. I love adjectives, as if you couldn't tell. But also please realize that it's been two years since I had any kind of English class at all, since I'm not going to a regular college at the moment and don't have to take English for my current training. You will also notice that my sense of humor may have changed somewhat. Sure, I still find the same underlying things funny, but I choose to express them in different ways now.
For people who are new to this story. I want to sincerely thank you for reading this fan fiction, and congratulate you for not being stuck with the old horrid version. Believe me, you'd have nightmares. If you are that interested in reading the old story you can probably find a copy of it on Moonlight Romance. I also want to warn you new readers of mine. I tend to greatly over exaggerate each character's personality; I think it's funny that way. This was an issue before because people took this story way too seriously, so I want to let you all know; I do not dislike the Starlights! In fact, Seiya and Usagi are my favorite pairing. So do not give me any grief for being 'mean' to the characters!
Feedback would be much appreciated, especially from readers of the first version; tell me what changes you like, or what you would like to happen differently that I had written the first time. I may change some things, I may not. But I need to know what you guys think!
And now, grab some chocolate (or strawberry) pocky, pour some hot chocolate and lay on a pillow for comfort; and enjoy the story!
The Setting: The Jerry Springer studio.
The studio is dark as the crowds anxiously await for the fun…I mean, interview…to start. For today on Jerry Springer three special guests were arriving from a place far, far away from America, The Three Lights! This particular show was booked ever since the Lights have debuted into the world of idolism in Japan – so everyone was getting ready for the time of a lifetime.
The audience sat in their seats, waiting for the all too familiar theme music to play, the wonderful music that signaled the beginning of a promising show. Idol chasers and rabid fan girls took up about 25 of the audience, while the other 75 was composed of, surprisingly, wrinkled old retired people who had nothing better to do with their time and money than to go to as many talk shows as they could, yet not give a darn about the visiting guests.
Unfortunately, for The Three Lights that is, amongst these older people in the audience was the popular talk show drifter, Mary-Sue, a crazed 102 year old woman also known as 'The People Killer'. She has a record for being very violent toward anything she considers "disgraceful" and has been taken to jail many times for inflicting physical harm on the victims. Because of this she was banned from visiting many talk shows. However, Jerry thought it would be interesting to have her in his audience once again since home viewers were becoming discontented with the show and ratings were dropping, so he put her in the front row, right by the stage. But enough of that, let's move on with the show.
Finally, it was time for the show to start and the Jerry Springer music broke though the ramblings of the audience, signaling to everyone that it was time to shut up, sit down and listen.
Our host, Jerry Springer himself, walked calmly to the front of the stage all the while avoiding the idol chasers of his own, and signaled with a wave of his hand, the beginning of the long awaited show. He raised his arm for silence and held the microphone to his mouth as the applause and cheers tuned down. When all was silent, it began, the show that would make both Jerry Springer and Sailormoon's history!
Jerry finally began to speak as his thugs started to take their places around the stage. "Hello my wonderful friends, and welcome, welcome to today's fun filled show, Popular Transvestites!" Oddly, this statement seemed to bring forth more applause (along with some shocked gasps from the elderly people in the audience), but Jerry continued on despite the fact that the atmosphere was already beginning to look grim.
"Joining us all the way from Tokyo, Japan (which explains why this show is subtitled for you home viewers) is popular boy band, The Three Lights!" Jerry held up his hand for emphasis as the idol chasers cheered and the elderly talked amongst themselves as they tried to figure out who exactly The Three Lights were. "Yes, that's right. These three guys have a lot of issues!"
"First, they have found eternal enemies in the popular Outer Sailor Senshi." The crowds groaned in sympathy, for even the elderly in America were aware of the protectors of Love and Justice – and just how terrifying they could be. Jerry ventured forward, using his fingers to count off the faults one by one, "Second, they wear bikinis when they fight!"
The crowd "Eh-ed" at this remark, not understanding why a male would wear a bikini in the first place. Meanwhile, our friend Mary-Sue's right eyebrow twitched as she leaned forward in interest. However, with the final fault, everything began to make sense.
"And last, but certainly not least," Jerry paused, cautiously glancing down at Mary-Sue before continuing, "They, literally, transform into women!"
Chaos ensued. Mary-Sue jumped unto her seat and viciously shouted "Disgrace!" as she raised her fist into the air. The rest of the aged gasped, openly horrified, and the idol chasers screamed in terror. Yet everyone wondered all the while, how in fact, this was physically possible. They didn't have long to absorb this information though, since Jerry introduced the three stars during the confusion. "And now, please welcome Seiya, Yaten and Taiki: The Three Lights!"
Not knowing what to do because of all the information that had been brought to light, the crowd cheered with a mixture of threats and cries as the idols calmly appeared and sat down. Mary-Sue had to be forcibly restrained by a thug as she tried to climb on the stage after the three.
When the mayhem died down, Jerry walked over toward The Three Lights to begin his interview. After a quick assessment of the group, he decided to interview the most intelligent looking luminary first, Taiki, who was too busy reading an Advanced Engineering book to notice the attention.
"Kou Taiki!" Jerry started as he began the long awaited interview. "So you three have finally arrived, are you excited to be here? Did you have a good trip from Japan?"
"Not particularly." Taiki bluntly replied, flagrantly disregarding Jerry's presence as he continued to be engrossed in his studies. "Let's get this over with; I have an online class in an hour."
Jerry looked mildly hurt but decided it would be better to let the large-foreheaded boy be. Undisturbed, he quickly moved on to his next victim. "Kou Yaten!"
Yaten looked up from his lighted miniature hand-held mirror and abruptly stopped restyling his hair. "What is it? Can't you see that I'm busy?"
"Well, um…" Jerry, clearly not used to his kind of treatment, brainstormed for some kind of question to ask Yaten. "I know! Are you three brothers?"
"No." Yaten looked back into his mirror and fixed his eyebrows.
Jerry unrelentingly went on trying to get Yaten's participation. "Cousins then?"
"Why the heck would you think I'm related to a moping sob and a forehead boy?" Yaten abruptly gestured toward Seiya, who was forlornly ogling at a 30x50 picture of Usagi that he always carried around with him, and Taiki, who has madly writing out equations as he mumbled indistinguishably to himself.
"Well, because you all have the same last name for starters." Jerry wiped the sweat from his brow nervously. "Is there a reason for this? Is it because of the band?"
Yaten went back to his primping. "Nope, no particular reason. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a pimple that needs seeing too." Yaten brusquely left the stage calling for his make-up artist and was soon followed by Taiki, who was incoherently muttering about math equations and how they inspired him to write poetry. Mary-Sue tried to jump after the two retreating celebrities, but was restrained yet again.
Jerry sighed under his breath before making a move to confront Seiya, who was now starting to drool on his portrait of Usagi. "Kou Seiya!"
Seiya broke out of his trance, saw that he was alone now, and looked at Jerry calmly as he put away the picture. "Yes?" he replied halfheartedly.
Jerry sat in Yaten's vacant seat and put his hand on Seiya's shoulder. "You look like a man with problems."
"Any man who changes into a girl has got problems!" came an angry cry from 'The People Killer' offstage, as she continued to wrestle with the thugs who were restraining her.
Jerry inwardly grinned, pleased that she was showing so much agitation already, and continued his interview with the, now sobbing, singer. "Oh no!" Jerry exclaimed in mock concern, "What's the matter?"
Seiya looked out toward the audience, wanting to get some sympathy. "It's just that the love of my life, Odango, has found another. The good news is that he is thousands of miles away in college. However, every time I try to get near her, the annoying Outer Senshi show up and threaten me!"
Jerry, tears in his eyes, pat Seiya's shoulder again. "Man, we feel your pain! But we can work though this if we all sit down and have a nice chat! For now I bring you..." drums are heard and flashing lights appear as Jerry continues, gesturing toward the right side of the stage, "…The Outer Senshi!"
Seiya jumped up as three forms began to materialize on the stage. "What, no! You traitor!"
Jerry shrugged. "We must overcome this conflict if you want to have your Odango."
Seiya whimpered and tried to run away, but was stopped by Jerry grabbing his ponytail.
The three forms solidified in flashes of purple, blue and green lights. When the lights die down we now see Sailor Pluto, who looks rather bored, Sailor Neptune looking around admiringly and Sailor Uranus, who was looking very peeved and like she wants to kill something – or someone.
Jerry stood up and walked toward the new guests, dragging Seiya with him by his hair. "Now that we are all here, we can now begin to solve any divergences that may have prevented friendship between your two groups before. First, why do you-"
Seiya abruptly interrupted the man as he wrenched his hair free from Jerry's grip and flung himself on the floor in front of Uranus and started sobbing hysterically. "No! Don't hurt me Haruka! I'm sorry I ran into your car last week and destroyed the paint job! But think about it, yellow isn't even a good color. What you need is something like blue! You would look wonderful with blue! Blue is such a lovely, warm color. My color is blue and look how wonderful and loved I am! What other proof do you need?"
"Wait a minute…" Uranus looked calmly down at Seiya, "You mean that you are what happened to my wonderful car? And you don't like my color? How dare you insult me like this, you girly man!"
"Isn't blue a cool color according to the color wheel, or something?" Neptune asked Pluto, who yawned in reply.
Seiya ignored Neptune and glared at Uranus. "At least I'm not a dike." The Starlight mumbled under his breath as he backed away from the fuming Uranus cautiously.
"What?" Uranus exploded. "You have something to say about me and my personal hobbies? I'm through with talking to you, your little friends and your prissy princess! Nothing can save you now. I've been putting up with your annoyances long enough!"
Jerry cheered happily and the crowd began to become wildly ecstatic as it seemed that something involving lots of bloodshed was soon going to happen, "That's right, feel your anger, let it all out!" Jerry encouraged the enraged Senshi.
Uranus gladly obliged. "World-"
Seiya was abruptly pushed aside as Sailor Star Healer arrives on the scene (with a Clearasiltm patch on her nose), "Oh no you don't! I've never liked your looks anyway – your fashion sense is terrible and gives wonderful, stylish, sexually challenged people, like me, a bad name; and for that you need to be punished!" She flung her long silver ponytail over her shoulder flatulently and prepared to attack. "Star Sensitive Inf-"
"Who says I'm sexually challenged? I've never admitted to being male!" Uranus interrupted her attack to defend her honor before continuing her incantation. "Sha-"
"Stop it!" Both sides settle down, yet are still conspicuously shooting daggers at each other, as the one and only Tsukino Usagi arrives on scene. How she got there, nobody knows, but she is now there nevertheless. The crowd gawks at her hairstyle of, yes, odangos, and Jerry has now moved into the background and is pouting because he has been forgotten during his own show. "Why are you fighting, I thought we were over that a long time ago!"
"My kitten." Uranus looks away from Healer angrily and points to Seiya, who is dumbfoundedly staring at Usagi. "He destroyed my livelihood and he/she/it-" she moved her accusing stare toward Sailor Star Fighter, who was back to looking into her mirror again and readjusting her Clearasiltm patch, "-said horrid things about my gender!"
Usagi held her head, not sure what not say in response to this. "Oh geeze."
Thankfully, Mizumo Ami and Kou Taiki took this exact moment to walk on stage, saving Usagi from having to think of a witty speech meant to bring peace between the fighting Senshi. However, the two were completely engrossed in a world of their own as they argued heatedly about the Laws of Planetary Motion.
Jerry tried to regain control before all hope was lost this early in the show, but was only able to get out the sentence, "The plot thickens." Before Neptune decided that, since she was now on an American public broadcasting system, she could become an international star and make loads of money. With that decision, Neptune pulls out her violin (out of thin air) and begins to play.
Mercifully, it seems that this was all that was needed to stop the ongoing drama onstage, and everyone stops arguing at once to look in awl at the talented violinist. Seiya, however, crosses the line when he walks in a trance toward Neptune and declares, "This is it, I can feel it, the power of a star!", while trying to embrace the sea Senshi.
Uranus snapped. "That's absolutely it! I don't like the look he is giving Neptune!" the incensed Senshi of the Wind furiously lunged toward Seiya and tackled him to the ground before the thugs could tear themselves away from Mary-Sue, who was keeping them occupied with her own style of tai-kwan-do combined with knitting needles, and stop her.
Everyone screamed, well except for Michiru, who was completely oblivious and continued to play the violin calmly, and tried to pry the two apart.
"This is ridiculous!" Seiya kicked Uranus off of him and jumped to his feet. The spectators backed away in fear of getting hurt in the fray. "I've had it! Fighter Star Power…"
"Censor!" Jerry quickly interrupted Seiya before he could finish his transformation incantation.
Seiya ignored that fact that to the televised viewers he is now a large black rectangle, "…Make-up!"
After the fireworks display was over, there was complete silence from the audience and Jerry as everyone tried to take in the horror that was just witnessed by them, as now they understood completely about how it's physically possible for a man to turn into a woman. A baby's crying broke the silence and the audience, as a whole, gasped disbelievingly.
Poor Mary-Sue completely lost it as she flung the thugs away and lunged toward Sailor Star Fighter. "That's it! In my day we had no such things like boys changing into girls. Wrong, it's just plain old wrong!" She pulled out her knitting needles and prepared herself for the final lunge toward the petrified Senshi, but is stopped by another one of the thugs.
Fighter gasped in relief and grabbed her chest. "I've been saved. She's scary, she's worse than Uranus!" She straitened up again and looked determinedly toward the said offender, "That being said, I can now begin my wonderful, dramatic, heart-wrenching introduction! Breaking though the dark…" Fighter paused and looked around confused while everyone waited for her to continue. "I said, breaking though the darkness of night…what the heck!"
Usagi walked toward Fighter. "What's wrong Seiya?"
"My ultra cool theme song won't come on! That creepy tune keeps downing it out! I can't work with this depressing music; it's not good enough for the likes of me and all wonderful things that I represent! I want to see my lawyer!" Fighter turned toward Neptune, who finally realized that she was causing this break in the plot.
"What?" Neptune asked as she looked up from her playing.
"Knock it off, I can't concentrate with that – it's a clash of interest." Seiya growled at Neptune. Neptune glared at Fighter for a moment before "Hmph"-ing and walking away to sit in the background to pout.
After being satisfied that she would have no more interruptions during her speech, the Senshi turned back toward Uranus to continue, only to land flat on her back when Uranus punched her. "Hey! I'm not ready yet, we haven't heard my ultra cool theme music!"
"Divulge in your anger!" Jerry screamed from his spot in the audience, far away from anything dangerous. "You'll feel much better afterwards!"
"Who cares about your stupid song?" Uranus loomed over Fighter's fallen form, "You hurt my Michi and you talked to the Princess, which is forbidden. And if you want to talk about theme music, we Outer Senshi have the greatest theme. More people like us anyway, we strike fear into their hearts!"
"…not that way." Jerry sighed, disappointed that this was turning more into a petty argument than anything vicious. However, no one notices him but is rather engrossed on the fight onstage.
"What good does fear do, huh? I'd rather have adoration and chocolate on valentines day!" Fighter jumped to her feet again. "Right Maker?" She looked for her comrade, but noticed that Taiki was still arguing with Ami, "Ok, never mind then. How about you, Healer?"
Healer is now calmly filing her nails. "You take care of this Fighter; I have a hangnail from almost using my attack, it's very strenuous and I feel flawed."
"Oh, forget it! Die you evil, wind-minded fool!" Fighter charges toward Uranus the exact moment that Uranus also makes for her and the two collide in midair and fall to the ground, combating.
"Yes!" Jerry cheered on in the background, amongst the crowd's applause, "Something good is happening! Ah." He quickly looks around but notices that no one cares about his outburst. "I mean, oh no, someone stop this fight immediately, violence only leads to bad things!"
Pluto, Healer and Usagi watch on in concern. Well, to tell the truth, Usagi is the only one who looks even remotely concerned; Pluto and Healer are busy exchanging lipstick and comparing the different shades against their contrasting skin tones. Noticing that she isn't going to get any help from the other two, Usagi decides to take things into her own hands, and decides to transform herself. "Moon…"
"Wait." Fighter pins Uranus face-first on ground and looks excitedly up at Usagi, who is naïve about that extra attention.
After the flashing lights stop and the feathers have cleared, Eternal Sailormoon now stood in Usagi's place. She looked up and notices that Fighter is five feet away, gawking at her. "Ah, Fighter. What is it? I thought you are Uranus were having it out?"
Usagi's transformation has gotten the attention of Sailor Pluto (because the all the feathers landed on her newly-painted nails) and Fighter's impertinence toward the sacred transformation ritual doesn't go completely unnoticed like the Starlight had hoped.
For the first time this show, Pluto becomes extremely irked, "You!" she glares toward Fighter as Usagi looks around questionably, Fighter notices Pluto's anger and backs away, stepping on Uranus and making the Wind Senshi regain consciousness, "How dare you look at the Princess like that during a transformation!"
"What!" Uranus snaps to attention and grabbed Fighter, thwarting her escape. "Do it Pluto!"
Jerry and the audience gasp in eagerness, and Mary-Sue, for the first time, is quiet.
Suddenly, a pink light flashes and a pink haired child falls from the sky, landing on Fighter's head and knocking the said Senshi unconscious.
There is a pause, and all is silent on stage (except for Ami and Taiki who are now arguing over Physics) as everyone waits for the strange cone-headed newcomer to get off of Fighter's prone body.
Jerry, for once, is speechless, as he has no idea who this person is, and immediately gets his minions writers working on finding out the identity of the child.
The girl stands up and straitens out her extremely short skirt; and Eternal Sailormoon rushes forward. "Chibimoon! Why are you here, did something happen again?"
Chibimoon looks toward Eternal Sailormoon and the two embrace (there are a few happy sighs from the audience). "Nope, Mama sent me here to stop you from showing up on J-" she looks around, "Darn, too late." She sighed sadly. "Now our future is doomed."
Before this mysterious newcomer whom had everyone's attention riveted upon them could explain the meaning of this insane prediction, there was an outburst from elsewhere on the stage.
Ami threw her notebook to the floor and the crowd gasped in horror at the fury in the water Senshi's eyes. "I've had it with you, Forehead Boy!" She pointed heatedly toward Taiko, who looked just as angry as she did. Taiki, likewise, discarded his notes and pointed to his head, "How is my forehead any larger than anyone elses'?"
"You really want to know?" Ami cockily pulled out her Sailor Mercury mini-computer and did some quick calculations. "According to my research your forehead is four, and I repeat, exactly four, inches larger than a normal human!"
"What?" Taiki grabbed the computer from Ami and held it over her head, so Ami couldn't reach it. "How does it say that? Huh, it's all scribbles! This thing is fake!"
"Give it back!" Ami jumped for the computer, but couldn't reach it.
Taiki continued. "I bet you just make all this stuff up to look smarter than me, because you are jealous of my long, gorgeous legs and my record breaking grades."
Everyone gasped. Ami, jealous? That's one thing that should never be said. Well, that, and the fact that she isn't the smartest. "That's it!" Ami pulled out her transformation stick. "You are going to pay! Mercury Crystal Power, Make-up!"
After the transformation, a very angry Sailor Mercury turned to face her, now drenched, foe. "Now prepare yourself to feel the never before seen wrath of Sailor Mercury!"
Everyone wondered what this could be, Taiki however, had no plans on seeing this said righteous vehemence, so quickly before anyone could censor him, he pulled out his transformation stick and bellowed, "Maker Star Power, Make-up!"
This quickly got the attention of Jerry, who was previously too busy reading though his writer's findings about Chibimoon to notice that there was fighting going on onstage. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
The crowd's screams were intensified by the screaming that could now be heard from millions of viewers nationwide. Thus, Mary-Sue received, what seemed like, a magical burst of energy and pounced in a fury toward Maker, "Disgrace!"