La Mouette Lunaire proudly presents
Chapter 1: Oh canon, where art thou? (Jeopardy I)
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The camera zooms in on a sign. Resident Jeopardy is written on it in large, bloody letters. The sign is thrown away and we see the interior of a nice and perfectly normal TV studio. Or so it seems. Lady NQI, the author's alter-ego of artificial perfection, enters, wearing her usual purple attire and a jellyfish on her head. The audience, consisting of men, women and the occasional zombie cheers.
"Hello and Bon Jour! Welcome everybody to my new mental maze of torture … or game show, as my producer prefers to call it in order not to get sued too often. Then again, I think his fate was already sealed the day he decided to make me the host of this show"
Nervous coughing can be heard offstage. NQI has a brief, yet insane fit of laughter, then proceeds to read her cards.
"Now, on with it! This is Resident Jeopardy, I am Lady NQI and I proudly present today's three victi- ahem, contestants. Contestant number one is well-known by new and old gamers alike. She's mysterious and sexy, or at least that's what the walkthrough said. Put your hands together for everybody's favourite Asian spy, Ada Wong!"
Ada walks over to the last podium, wearing a red dress and looking – who would have thought – incredibly sexy. The audience cheers and a few whistles, followed by slaps and angry female voices are heard.
"Ada, did you actually realize that your name is the Elvish word for father?"
"Never mind, I was just trying to pick up a conversation because it says I should do so on my card. Not that I want to, anyway. Ahem. Contestant number two loves weapons and his family. He's caring and helpful, but remember to keep him far away from evil men with sunglasses"
In the audience a man wearing a black business suit and black sunglasses stands up and laughs evilly. "It is already too late for that, Mister Anderson. Morpheus is mine and will soon submit to-"
"I'm sorry Smithie, but that's the wrong fandom. The Matrix game show is two corridors away, fifth door to the left. Besides, my name is not Mister Anderson. Not since back in 1875 anyway, but never mind that…"
Slightly confused at first the agent glares at NQI, looks around suspiciously and eventually proceeds to smile evilly. "I shall return! Scotty, beam me up!"
A green light shines from the ceiling and to everyone's surprise the agent actually disappears, allowing our host to sigh heavily and go on with the show.
"So much for that, now for contestant number two… again. Say hi to Barry Burton!"
The audience cheers, Barry slowly walks over to the first podium and inspects it worriedly.
"Barry, are you okay?"
"It looks like some sort of podium with a red buzzer attached to its top. I just hope this isn't Chris's buzzer"
The audience falls silent. Ada is confused and NQI shakes her head worriedly. "No, never mind that. The podium is perfectly save and the buzzer is yours, not Chris's"
"Oh", states Barry and grins with relief.
"I'm glad that's settled then. On with our next, also known as our third, now referred to as our last contestant. He's-"
Just then Mister X comes crashing through the wall next to the contestants' entrance. The audience gasps, Ada seems nervous and Barry acts oblivious …and probably is.
"…already here and missed the door again. But hey, that's better than he did during rehearsal when he came crashing through the ceiling, flattening two of our cameramen and the guy who used to fetch my coffee. But never mind that, better luck next time and welcome, Mister X!"
Mister X walks over to the podium in the middle and smashes it into the ground. The audience cheers reluctantly and Ada has fled the studio. NQI sighs.
"Security! We need a new podium and a new contest-"
Suddenly Mister X turns around and follows Ada, destroying Barry's podium as he stomps along.
"Make that two new podiums and two new contestants! Oh, and some coffee if you please. Everyone else, stay tuned and enjoy the commercials!"
- PRODUCT PLACEMENT -
A dark room. It's empty except for a white fridge that is conveniently placed in its center. The camera zooms in on the fridge and a male voiceover is heard.
"Not too long ago you bought a simply gorgeous fridge that represents everything you ever wished for in your refrigerated dreams, but now you find that there is no way you will ever be able to use your cold cupboard of icy goodness, just because it is swamped with leprechauns?"
The fridge opens and we see that its interior is indeed swamped with leprechauns.
"Does this look familiar to you? Well, it probably does. But don't fret, panic or move to Spain, because we, IdioTec Technologies, have come up with something that will get rid of all your nasty green problems!"
A woman in a lab coat walks over to the fridge and opens it. The leprechauns can be heard singing and insulting the woman. She produces a black box from her coat, puts it into the fridge, closes the door and runs away.
"Now watch closely and witness the power of our new product"
After a few motion, -and soundless moments the fridge abruptly blows up. Its remains and a bunch of severely injured leprechauns are scattered all over the room. The woman comes back and holds up a sign saying 'BOOM – the leprechauns' doom'
"Buy now in order to receive a piece of paper for free!"
Screen goes static.
- END PRODUCT PLACEMENT -
NQI stares at the screen and shakes her head. She takes one step to the left, examines her card and blinks at the camera. Several people in the audience start whispering to the person next to them or to themselves. Barry whistles and NQI takes two steps to the right. She then remains motionless and a few minutes pass.
Eventually a member of the staff rushes in, hands NQI a new set of cards and rushes off. Sorting the new cards, NQI glares at the unoccupied podiums, over to a sleeping Barry and back. Finally she cleans her throat and addresses the audience.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're sorry for the delay but it has proven difficult to find two new contestants in such short time. But everything's okay now and I present you without further ado contestant number two and three: Alice from the movies and… a zombie!"
The audience cheers even though the contestants are nowhere to be seen. After a while the zombie lurches in slowly and makes his moaning towards the last podium. He's soon joined by Alice who comes crashing through a window, doing her standard motorbike jump and several back flips until she reaches the podium in the middle.
Barry yawns and wakes up. The zombie has reached his podium by now and is drooling quietly. NQI adjusts her jellyfish.
"I think I can say without regret that this is a wonderful moment in the history of Resident Jeopardy, because we are now going to start with the actual show!"
The part of the audience that has not yet made it to one of the exits stands up and cheers wildly. NQI turns to the board.
"And today's categories are: 'Shakespeare' 'Evil companies that want to rule the world' '101 methods of using a piece of fresh fruit in an R-rated way' 'People you wouldn't want to meet in an empty parking lot at night' 'Oh my God, oh my God! Get it off my foot!' 'The number that comes between 4 and 6 and is called 5' and 'Movies'. Now since he was one of the original candidates we'll start with Barry. Barry, pick a category'
"This isn't Chris's category though?"
"No, it's not. Just pick. Please!"
"Then I'll take 'The number that comes between 4 and 6 and is called 5' for 100'"
"Taking it easy at first, seems like a good idea to me. Listen up everybody as here comes in fact the very first question in form of an answer that you have to answer in form of a question: 'This number comes between 4 and 6 and is called 5'"
Nobody makes a move.
"You might not have noticed, but the game has finally started. You may now ring in anytime and give the correct answer"
Still nobody is making a move.
"Okay, perhaps I should repeat the question: 'This number comes between 4 and 6 and is called 5' It's also the result of 2 plus 3 and 9 minus 4 but judging from your looks I doubt that this information will be of any use. Come on, guys!"
Barry inspects his gun and doesn't seem to pay any attention. Alice is poking the zombie with her pen and the zombie himself is doing nothing at all.
"Alice! A guess from you before I end the disaster?"
"What is omega?"
"Huh? Erm… no, sorry. That is incorrect. The correct answer would have been 'What is 5?'"
The contestants seem amazed and mutters of 'Who would have thought?' can be heard from the audience. NQI reads her cards worriedly.
"I really don't like where this is going. But I need the money so off to another fiasco. Barry, it's still your board"
Barry stares and remains motionless.
"It's still your board is standing for you get to chose another category"
"Oh. Good. Then I'll take Shakespeare for 400"
"Considering your incredible performance only a few moments ago I don't think this is a good idea but then again, it's not my job to care. Shakespeare for 400. And the answer is 'The poet's thoughts of his own mortality are reflected in this piece of work that also features the line "This thou perceivest, which makes thy love more strong, to love that well which thou must leave ere long"'"
Barry grins, Alice's mind seems elsewhere and the zombie chews on his podium.
"Should I even bother to repeat the question?"
A buzzer rings.
"Apparently the zombie accidentally rang the buzzer while chewing on his podium so we'll just-"
"What is Shakespeare's sonnet number 73?"
The audience gasps. NQI turns pale, drops her cards and stares at the zombie. "I… that… erm… well… it looks like contestant number three has just given a perfectly audible and correct answer. That's 400 points for you, erm, zombie"
"But please, do call me Edward. Ted, if you wish"
"Right…Ted. You asked the correct question, which means it's your board!"
Ted, formally known as the zombie, opens his mouth but instead of eloquently choosing a category he just groans, starts twitching and falls over.
"Oh. Apparently the former display of knowledge was… let me check, Mister Edward?"
"Huuuuaaaarrrr!" states Edward.
"Yes, just what I was afraid of. Said display of knowledge was probably due to some sort of brief electrical impulse in the contestant's brain and you can rest assured that it is over now"
The zombie, briefly known as Edward, bites his arm in agreement.
"Since the contestant has lost his ability to speak I will pick the category for him. Prepare for '101 methods of using a piece of fresh fruit in an R-rated way' for 300. And the answer is: "This round piece of fresh fruit can be used in many R-rated ways, especially when it comes to gagging naked people that are tied to your bed"'"
Alice immediately rings her buzzer. "What is… what … what is … my name … my … what is my … my name it … what … what name … what is …"
"Aw, too bad. That one looked promising but it seems now that the side effects of Umbrella's experiments are showing again, which leaves…"
NQI looks at the podiums. Alice is shivering, desperately trying to hold on to her podium whilst muttering incoherently to herself. The zombie has wandered off somewhere and even though he's not seen, several screams of terror from the audience give away his location. Barry stares at the ceiling.
"Which leaves BARRY to answer the question!"
"Do you know the answer, or question that is?"
"Sigh. The correct answer was: "What is an apple?" Barry, thanks to their… handicaps it's your board!"
"I choose… to go outside and check the other studios"
"Whoa, stop it! This is a game show and not a game, meaning you're not going to disappear in a vaguely suspicious manner whenever you like! Especially not as long as you're the only contestant capable of speech! Your category, please"
"Uhm… 'Evil companies that want to rule the world' for ONE MILLION! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"What the- no, I don't even want to know. Sigh. That's 'Evil companies that want to rule the world' for 200 and a therapist for you, Barry. And here comes the answer: "This evil company will ruthlessly eliminate everybody and everything that stands between them and world domination"'"
A buzzer rings. It seems that Alice has just snapped out of her trance.
"WHAT'S AN APPLE?"
"I'm sorry but that was the answer to the previous question. At the moment I want to know how to ask for an evil company that will ruthlessly eliminate everybody and everything that stands between them and world domination. Barry?"
"What is Umbrella?"
"AND THAT IS- no, sorry. That is wrong. I'm assuming that the zombie who is currently eating one of our cameramen will not ring his buzzer too soon, so I'll tell you what your question should have been. "What is Microsoft?" would have been the correct answer. I repeat: What is-"
Another employee runs in, whispers something to NQI, hands her a card and runs off.
"Okay, erm, on behalf of our sponsor I would like to revoke the previous answer. It was a hoax and completely incorrect. The correct answer was indeed: 'What is Apple?' and since Alice came pretty close to that, the 200 points are hers. And as for Microsoft…"
She looks at her new card in an uncertain way and shifts nervously as she proceeds to read.
"Microsoft is not evil and does not want to achieve world domination. Microsoft is a wonderful company and their products make our life a lot easier. They are doing their very best to make every human being as happy as possible, for a reasonable price and…"
She stares at her card and raises an eyebrow.
"And that's only one of many reasons why the world should… should be given to them even though they didn't ask for it and never will because they are very modest and not evil, as we accidentally said they were. But who could rule this planet better than Bill Gates who… who is … no, I'm not going to-"
A gun clicks somewhere offstage and a red dot appears on NQI's head. She gulps.
"Bill Gates who is … not only a very intelligent and clever, but also a very sexy and handsome man, if not the sexiest and most handsome man alive… ever. And apart from making him supreme ruler of the universe I would also love to rip off his clothes, cover him with mashed potatoes and- JESUS CHRIST, I QUIT!"
Enraged our wonderful host throws away her cards, turns around and stomps out off the studio as the bullet misses her by an inch. None of the contestants seems to notice or care. The zombie has returned to his podium though.
Moments later NQI is dragged back onstage, cursing heavily. Her jellyfish seems very disturbed but tries to comfort her nevertheless by making squeaky noises which are frequently heard from jellyfish as you all certainly know. NQI picks up some of her cards and takes a deep breath.
"We'll start with the next round after the commercials, meaning as soon as I've had a drink"
- PRODUCT PLACEMENT -
A kitchen studio. Several leprechauns are sitting on a fridge, playing guitar. Next to them stand two Umbrella employees, waiting for the show to start.
"Umbrella Incorporated proudly presents: Cooking with Umbrella!"
The leprechauns stop playing their guitars and hide inside the fridge.
"Does the following sound familiar to you?"
"You've always wanted to create your own bioorganic weapon?"
"But your lack of money, equipment or intelligence prevented you from doing so?"
"It won't anymore! Umbrella Incorporated has developed a new product that will make creating a bioorganic weapon easier than saying cheese"
A leprechauns jumps out of the fridge and shouts 'TWEESE!' One employee runs after him with a broomstick, the other one simply ignores him and holds up a black bottle with the Umbrella logo printed on its front.
"This is our new product: INSTANT B.O.W. DELUXE 3000, new and improved. Those of you who are familiar with INSTANT B.O.W. DELUXE 2500 for fierce plants will know how this works. I'll quickly explain it for everyone else"
The employee we saw earlier runs past him, still chasing the leprechaun with a broomstick. They rush offstage and the sound of shattering windows as well as some curses are heard. The other employee shakes his head and continues.
"As I said, it's really simple: Just take the bottle of INSTANT B.O.W. DELUXE 3000, put the contents into a glass of water and stir it for approximately three minutes. If the liquid comes in contact with your skin in any way we suggest that you immediately kill yourself. Not doing so will result in you regretting that you haven't done so when you still had the chance. Children should not use INSTANT B.O.W. DELUXE 3000 without an adult's surveillance… or not at all if their parents still want to see them growing up. Now-"
The employee we saw chasing the leprechaun with a broomstick is now being chased by the leprechaun with a guitar of impressive size. They rush past the screen, seemingly unnoticed by the other employee.
"Now all you need is a syringe and an unsuspecting victim. We advise you to kill or at least drug or knock out the victim before, as it will make the last step much easier to you and less painful to the victim. We have already prepared an injection so we only need- ah yes, there he comes"
Employee 1 steps forward and waits. The leprechaun runs past him, closely followed by employee 2 and a golf club. Employee 1 grabs a frying pan and hits employee 2 over the head. He falls over unconscious and employee 1 pulls out a syringe, filled with a black liquid.
"You have the victim, you have the syringe now all that is left to do is inject and wait. This will take some time now, depending on the flavour you bought and the victim you chose. Of course we have already prepared a sample of how the result could look"
Nemesis comes crashing through the wall. "HOSSSSTSSSS!"
"Doesn't he look simply delicious? So if you want to create your own- wait, what?"
"HOSSSSSTSSSS!" Nemesis utters and a tentacle shoots out of his back. The employee yelps and runs away, quickly followed by his INSTANT B.O.W. DELUXE 3000 sample. The words 'Order now or else…' are written on the screen before it goes static.
- END PRODUCT PLACEMENT -
NQI throws away a half-emptied bottle of Tequilla and sighs again. Her jellyfish seems to have drunk a fair amount of what once was in the bottle and hiccups, which is of course one more thing jellyfish can do.
"Thank God that commercial is over and we can start with round number two, that is to say Double Jeopardy. Barry, why don't you pick a category again?"
"At this point I'd like to say that I will donate all my winnings to Umbrella"
"You're family is save now"
"Oh. In that case: DOWN WITH UMBRELLA! ...and 'Oh my God, oh my God! Get it off my foot!' for 600"
NQI raises an eyebrow but decides that it's probably not even worth asking. "The answer is: 'This piece of clothing could be described as the layer between your shoe and your skin and will most likely not make you shout 'Oh my God, oh my God! Get it off my foot!''"
The zombie rings his buzzer.
"And Ted is giving us the pleasure of yet another electrical impulse!"
"What is Shakespeare's sonnet number 73?"
"…or at least he's having some sort of déjà vu. And no, Shakespeare's sonnet number 73? is not a layer between your shoe and your skin that will most likely not make you shout 'Oh my God, oh my God! Get it off my foot!' Anyone else want to wager a guess?"
Barry rings his buzzer. "What is Shakespeare's sonnet number 76? I sure hope this isn't Chris's sonnet"
NQI lets out a silent cry of frustration. Her jellyfish glows sympathetically. "Why, Barry? Why?"
Barry looks around, shrugs and grins.
"The sonnet belongs to Shakespeare, not Chris. And your answers WERE AS WRONG AS YOU COULD GET! 'What is a sock?' would have been the correct response. Ted, think you could make a sound that sounds like one of our categories?"
The zombie drools and moos. NQI raises both her eyebrows and edges further away from Ted's podium.
"Moooovies for 400 then, on behalf of Ted. 'In the movie Resident Evil as well as in its sequels the character, that is played by Milla Jovovich and does not originally appear in the games, has this name' And ALICE, you might want to guess this one"
Alice rings her buzzer and smiles smugly. "Who is… who … who is…"
"Oh please, not again! It's simple! Your name! Just say your damn name!"
"My name … my name … my name is … my … my name …"
Barry rings his buzzer. NQI turns to him and notices that he's holding a microphone and that there's actually a band standing besides him. But before she can throw her jellyfish at him, Barry jumps on his podium and starts singing.
"I don't know why she's leaving or where she's gonna go! I guess she's got her reasons, but I just don't wanna know, 'cuz for twenty-four years I've been living next door to Alice. ALICE, WHO THE F#CK IS ALICE? Twenty-four years, just waiting for a chance, tell her how I feel, maybe get a second glance; Now I've got to get used to not living next door to Alice. ALICE, WHO-"
The music stops, the band disappears and Barry gets off his podium, smiling as he ever did.
"Do you actually realize that you've gone from fairly normal to frighteningly strange during the course of this show? But I guess the money goes to you for getting that one right… somewhat right at least"
Barry shows no reaction. Alice is still muttering to herself and the zombie is eating somebody's leg happily.
"I see. Thank God we're almost done and it's time for Final Jeopardy! I want at least one of you to get this right so I'll make it simple. You have 30 seconds to write down a question corresponding with this answer: 'The continent that doesn't begin with an A and ends in Urope' Grab your pens, time starts… now!"
Barry starts writing eagerly while the other two contestants seem to resume their activities of muttering and chewing.
"Time's up, everyone. Put your pens down and let me see what you wrote"
NQI walks over to Barry. "You seemed pretty quick with your answer, now let me see what you've got. Aha, that's a long answer. And… you've written 'All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy' all over your podium. Heh. Ahem. Very…nice"
Barry smiles confidently, NQI quickly walks away from him, over to Alice who is still shivering. "I was right in assuming that you've written absolutely nothing. Come on, was it really that hard? All you had to do was lift the pen and- don't give me that look. Yes, it's a pen. P-E-N!"
Alice picks up her pen and stares at in amazement. NQI rolls her eyes and walks over to Ted, the zombie. She doesn't have to bother with his answer though, considering that his head fell off shortly after banging it against the podium, perhaps in order to utter his answer.
"Well, looks like that's it for today's edition of-"
"My name is Alice"
"So you finally noticed. Good for you. As for our show, we-"
"My name is Alice and I remember everything"
NQI turns around to face Alice just as she lunges at her with her pen. Our host yelps and heads for one of the exits, closely followed by former contestant number two. In the background Barry can be seen writing "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" all over the studio, whilst contestant number three is finally and absolutely dead.
A group of leprechauns walks in, holding up a sign saying 'See you next time!' The remaining members of the audience cheer and the screen goes static.
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Yes folks, that's it. The not-so-ultimate game show. My apologies, but I had to give it a try. Of course my jellyfish will now gladly take care of all your reviews.