La Mouette Lunaire proudly presents
Chapter 3: Crazed Cupid Corrupted (The Dating Game)
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The camera zooms in on an expensive-looking bathroom with an impressively huge Jacuzzi in the corner. In the tub is swimming none other than our well-known and admired jellyfish. It puts aside its cigar and addresses the audience.
"Good afternoon, trusty victims and welcome to my evil lair… to the bathroom in my evil lair that is. I'd like to announce that the artist formally known as Neo Queen Insanity wishes you a happy and random Valentine's Day. Her special thanks go out to her faithful reviewers who, contrary to everything that makes sense, are still reading this story."
A rubber ducky floats closer to the jellyfish. It eyes the duck evilly and edges away.
"Her very special thanks go out to otaku and Phantom who are still two of her oldest and most insane friends. Brains and flowers have been sent to express Lady's undying love and madness for the two of you."
It pushes away the approaching duck and goes for a quick dive to retrieve a bunch of waterproof cards.
"Where was I? Ah, yes. Today's show is very popular where Lady comes from, but then again you don't really want to know what sort of stuff is popular over there"
The jellyfish shudders slightly and shrieks as the rubbery animal appears in front of it. It pushes the duck away once more and makes a last, hasty announcement.
"So without further ado… TO THE STUDIO!"
It takes a deep breath and leaps out of the Jacuzzi, leaving a very sad and lonely rubber ducky behind.
- - -
Change of scene to our familiar TV studio. However the usual three podiums have been replaced by three chairs, a wall and another chair. In front of the scenery our hostess Lady is arguing with the jellyfish, that has generously given its permission to be worn as a fashionable accessory. A random assistant politely throws a couple of paperclips at them and they address the audience.
"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to our very wonderful catastrophe that has been so aptly titled Resident Gameshow! And today, on this very special day, I am honoured to host a very special edition of our very special show. It's The Dating Game – Valentine's Edition! And here are our three bachelors!"
A door to Lady's left opens and Albert Wesker enters, looking smug and sexy as ever. And did I mention evil too?
"At last we meet again, Clarice." Not remembering being called Clarice in any way at any time the hostess carefully edges away from Wesker, deciding that it was a very bad idea to lend him her copy of Silence of the Lambs after all. Wesker himself doesn't seem too interested in her concerns and has instead already taken a seat and is now smiling evilly.
Next enter Lord Osmund Saddler and organic staff plus two Ganados, looking perhaps not so sexy or overly smug at all, but sufficiently evil at least, not to mention purple, much to the hostess's delight.
Saddler takes a seat and the two Ganados place themselves standing next to him, curiously eying Wesker, much in the way a slightly retarded cat would eye an insect when wondering if it's actually edible. Wesker himself still couldn't care less and just proceeds to smile evilly. The audience and Lady have their eyes fixed on the entrance, waiting for the third bachelor to enter. He's apparently taking his time so Lady decides that some small talk might be a good idea.
"So… how's Barry and the band doing?" "We split up." "Oh." She pauses. "Why?" Wesker pauses. "Artistic differences." They both pause. "Ah."
Lady pauses some more, scratches her head and briefly wonders how artistic differences between Barry Burton and Albert Wesker might look like. Instead of wondering any further she takes another look at the entrance. The third bachelor is still nowhere in sight and since Wesker has already taken up smiling evilly again, she decides do continue her small talk with somebody else and turns to Saddler and his escort.
"What did you bring those two for, anyways? Mental support or did the retirement home send them, just in case?"
Angry shouts are heard and Lady realizes for the first time that today's audience consists largely, if not entirely, of Ganado men and women. Her expression drops and she rubs her forehead, sighing heavily, cursing about something along the lines of not nearly getting paid enough and wanting to go back to university.
Saddler grins and Wesker has fallen asleep, still smiling evilly, still under close surveillance of the two drooling Ganado guards. The hostess decides that another sigh would be appropriate and turns her head to the entrance. "What the hell is taking him so long?"
Just then two assistants enter, dragging along a currently not particularly smug or evil William Birkin, who is just as sexy as you'd imagine a kicking and screaming scientist to be.
"I REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE IN SUCH NONSENSE! PUT YOUR FILTHY PLEBEIAN HANDS OFF ME AT ONCE!"
Woken up by his former colleague's yelling, Wesker raises one eyebrow and watches the scene with mild interest and as much sympathy as a heartless, inhuman bastard can muster. Lord Saddler has temporarily taken up Wesker's evil smirking activities and the hostess is watching the struggling scientist and two of her assistants worriedly. Dragging Birkin over to his seat seems to prove more difficult than they had expected.
"Doctor Birkin?" Lady inquires, approaching the scientist but still staying at a safe distance.
"LET ME GO! I WILL-" "We have kidnapped your daughter. If you refuse to cooperate she will meet a gruesome and painful end." "THE IQ OF MY LABCOAT SURPASSES YOURS BY FAR! GET OFF MY-"
Lady shakes her head and quickly changes her strategy. "Doctor Birkin, we have kidnapped your G-Virus. If you refuse to cooperate it will meet a gruesome and painful end."
The scientist falls silent at once as his eyes widen in terror. He ceases to struggle against the assistants and drops into his chair, much like one of those little toy bunnies who didn't switch to Duracell in time.
"See? I knew we'd get along!" The hostess smiles broadly and turns to the entrance to her right. "And now… meet the bachelorette, at last!"
Alexia Ashford enters, looking incredibly smug, sexy, evil and purple, all at the same time! The audience cheers as wildly as it's possible for a bunch of mindless Spaniards. Albert Wesker raises an eyebrow in mild curiosity, Lord Saddler doesn't seem to care at all and instead glares at the drooling Ganado to his left disapprovingly while William Birkin's troubled mind seems to be elsewhere, probably with his poor and suffering G-Virus.
Lady seems content, adjusts her jellyfish and turns to the camera to announce a commercial break. "I hereby announce a commercial break!" she says, thus announcing the commercial break.
- Commercial Break… as announced -
The streets of Raccoon City. Chaos has apparently ensued a long time ago and the streets are plastered with litter, broken-down cars, the occasional dead body and the more common not-quite-dead-yet ones, aka. zombies. Crows are circling in the sky and a couple of lickers, hunters and zombie dogs are there too.
In the middle of this jolly assemblage three men in UBCS uniform are standing on the burning wreck of a cable car, dancing and singing joyfully. Each of them is holding what appears to be a bottle.
They are apparently completely oblivious of the disaster surrounding them, even as Nemesis enters the scene. He holds up his rocket launcher, aims at the dancing team, growls deeply and-
…the screen fades to black, displaying the words 'Vodka – if you can't escape reality, simply ignore it!' before it goes static.
- End Commercial Break -
Back to our familiar studio. The two assistants and Saddler's Ganados have left the stage, most likely to get plastered behind the scenes.
Lord Saddler isn't doing anything in particular, Albert Wesker is burning what looks like a Chris Redfield voodoo doll and William Birkin has apparently decided to accept his fate in silent frustration. Alexia Ashford inspects the studio carefully, wrinkles her nose in disgust and sets her chair on fire. She whistles and Lady watches with one eyebrow raised as Alexia's brother Alfred rushes in to replace the chair immediately… or rather, to function as a replacement for it.
"Back from our commercial break we will now continue our show in the name of armour and bring love and happiness into the world! Yay!" the hostess exclaims, ignoring the little refurbishment altogether. "So would our bachelorette like to tell us a few things about herself?"
"WHAT? HOW DARE YOU ASK MY BELOVED QUEEN INFERIOUR QUESTIONS LIKE THAT?" "Uhm, actually I was just-" "YOU ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO HER BEAUTY AND-" "Okay, right, cut it, I'll take that as a no. So… would you, Alexia, please ask your first question?"
At that point Alfred jumps up and glares at the hostess in rage, completely forgetting the fact that he just threw his beautiful queen off his back. "ALFRED!" "Oh no, Alexia! Who did this to you?" "WHY YOU-"
Lady thinks for a moment and concludes that this might end in a nasty and very unfortunate scene for Alfred, so she decides to draw the attention to the other side of the wall and produces a pack of cards. "Very well, since our bachelorette doesn't seem to be quite-"
"NO! YOU CAN'T! I'M YOUR FAITHFUL- AAAARRRGHHHH!"
"…erm, not quite ready yet… I will ask the first questions for her. So, bachelor number three; If a woodchuck could chuck wood, how would this reflect your views on life, the universe and ferrets in general?"
"Think about a little phial that would be veeeery disappointed if you gave me a… rude answer."
"THAT'S… that's…. well…. I…" Birkin sighs, wondering if his virus would still be in danger if he murdered the hostess now. He decides that it's not worth the risk, sighs again and takes a look at his answer card which reads 'I like science'. He shudders.
"Do you want me to repeat the question? If a woodchuck could-" "No! No, it's fine. I… I…" "Yes?" "I… like science." "Jolly good!" the hostess exclaims and turns to Albert Wesker.
"Bachelor number one; If you lived in the woods, how many ferrets would the universe generally reflect in a woodchuck's life?" "42." "And bachelor number two; Do you want fries with that?" "Is the answer Spain?"
"JOLLY GOOD!" In an almost painfully cheerful manner Lady throws away the cards and takes a peek to the other side of the wall.
"MERCY! NO! PLEASE, I-"
She blinks, adjusts her jellyfish and turns back to the three bachelors.
"Our first round is over, how time flies by! And I think it's time to ask you a couple of questions on my own; bachelor number one, why are you here?" "I'm evil. It's what I do." "Oh I see." "And I stole Saddler's wallet." "Ah. Interesting." "Besides, I look too good not to be seen on television." "Okay." "And-" "We get it." "Also-" "Thank you, Albert."
Lady quickly steps over to Lord Saddler who seems to be engaged in a deep conversation with his staff. "And you, why did you come here to win the heart of a lovely lady?"
"Once we have sacrificed her to the honour of Las Plagas the world will finally come to realize that it is our path alone that leads into the right direction!"
"Gentleman and travel guide, if that isn't the perfect combination!" "What? Our cult is-"
"Bachelor number three! Why are you here?" "Because of a vile plot of yours and the fact that, even though I desire nothing more, I cannot leave this place because I do not want to risk endangering my precious virus any further." "Yay and thanks for that, bachelor!"
Somewhat satisfied, Lady returns to Alexia who is now sitting in a regular chair, surrounded by a decent puddle of blood, with Alfred nowhere in sight. "There, there. Ready to grab your cards and join us this time?"
"I would very much appreciate it if you could drop dead at once."
"Haha. Ha! Hahaha! Oh, if only I'd get a penny every time someone says that to me. Anyways, next round, off we go!"
Lady smiles at Alexia's cards encouragingly. Alexia glares at the hostess, down to her cards, back to the hostess and down again not sure which one she'd rather see going up in flames. Instead she eventually decides to read the prepared questions, apparently wanting to save some of her evil energy for a second round with Alfred, backstage.
"Bachelor number one: If bachelor three said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against him?" "Of course. I'm evil. It's what I do."
Several slash-fanatics in the audience cheer wildly. Lady seems to think about this for a moment, but decides to drop it for the sake of what little sanity she has left.
"Bachelor number two and a half: Is it Sunday or are you just happy to see me?"
Saddler raises and eyebrow and looks over to a random assistants who immediately fetches Alexia a tray of appetizers for no apparent reason at all. She accepts the tray gladly and knocks the assistant out with inhuman force.
"And bachelor number three: Is it all the governments fault?"
"OF COURSE IT IS! THEY'RE TRYING TO STEAL MY PRECIOUS VIRUS!"
Lady's jellyfish cringes at the sudden display of William's vocal range. Alexia nods in sympathy. As she sees Lady approach her she quickly browses through her cards to utter another pointless round of question before the hostess gets the chance to bother her any further.
"Bachelor number two: If you had to sing a song to describe bachelor number one, which song would that be?"
Wesker leans over to Saddler, whispers something into his ear and hands him a small bag. Saddler opens the bag, thinks for a moment, counts the money and replies: "I'm too sexy by Right said Fred"
Poor Wesker. If only he knew how wasted his finances are on Alexia who didn't even pay the least bit of attention to the answer given. "Number three, how does the soundtrack for bachelor number two go?"
Birkin snorts and rolls his eyes, forgetting that the wall between them doesn't enable Alexia to grasp the full capacity of his physical demonstration.
"What was that?" "Ah, I apologize. I was just rolling my eyes at the utter idiocy that is this show."
For a moment Alexia seems to be deeply impressed or at least as deeply impressed as a megalomaniac genius who sees herself as the one and only queen of the word can get. Fortunately Lady's broad grin quickly reminds her of the painful reality she's in and remembering that it's her goal to leave as quickly as possible she turns to her cards again.
"And bachelor number one, what's the song for number three?"
Silence. Wesker stands up to open his mouth but quickly sits back again. More silence. Mumbling in the audience. A sudden cry. "I CAN'T DO THIS, NOT WITHOUT HIM!"
Even though Saddler and Birkin have long stopped caring and Alexia has decided that brushing her hair would be an appropriate thing to do, Lady's surprise alone is enough to fill the whole studio. "Wesker, what-" "I have… I … I've lost it!" "Completely? Well, so have many of us." "No! I… it's gone!" "Oh, your wallet! Saddler took it while you were sleeping." "No, I- wait, what?" "I get it! IT! You've lost your inspiration to sing since your band broke up!"
Wesker pauses, nods and lowers his head sadly. Several fangirls are staring at the scene in disbelief. If that's supposed to be the magic of Valentine's Day they'd be better off without it.
Suddenly the bachelors' entrance door flies open and-
"A DRAMATIC ENTRANCE! I sure hope this isn't Chris's dramatic entrance!"
"What are you doing here?"
"I came to say that I'm sorry for giving Chris your sunglasses because I thought they were his!"
"Barry! And… and I'm sorry for eating your sandwich but I really thought it was Jill's and I-"
If there was an expression to describe an emotion that goes far beyond disbelief or anger and has a certain edge of sadness to it too, not to mention a deep lust to kill, then it would now be used to describe what above mentioned fangirls felt as their gazes fixed upon Albert Wesker and Barry Burton, who were leaving the studio skipping, holding hands and whistling cheerfully.
Lady turns to her trusty bottle of vodka in order not to lose her composure and adjusts her jellyfish. "Well… uh… well. Looks like-"
"Are we done yet?" Alexia interrupts, apparently having finished brushing through her hair precisely 999 times.
"Uhm…sure. One of our assistants will now sum up-" "Don't bother, I made my decision." "But it's part of the show that we sum up-" "Bachelor number three." "But maybe you'd want to hear the-" "Number three." "It's a nice summary and we were trying hard to-" "THREE." "Ah, okay, okay! Here's your… COMMERCIAL BREAK! HA!"
- Commercial Break -
Two Spanish cops are standing on the rooftop of an old farmhouse. The trees behind them appear to be on fire and explosions as well as the fierce howling of a very hungry bunch of wolves can be heard in the distance.
The scenery is almost drowning in darkness save for the light of a multitude of torches that are being carried closer to the farmhouse by an angry mob of weapon-wielding Ganados.
The stomps and screams of at least three approaching El Gigantes can be heard. Nevertheless upon close inspection the two cops seem to be laughing and sharing some exceptionally funny jokes.
They continue doing so even as a very muscular Ganado appears on the scene, bringing forth a gatling gun, aiming at them and-
…the screen fades to black, displaying the words 'Tequila – if you can't escape reality, simply ignore it!' before it goes static.
- End Commercial Break -
The studio again. Alexia and William are now positioned on their sides of the wall and a romantic tune starts to play as it is slowly pulled back. Soon they're standing right face-to-face, silently glaring each other and eventually deciding on an apt reaction.
- The following scenes have been removed from our program in order not to disturb our younger viewers. Or the older ones. Or any of our viewers at all. In fact, it's quite a good thing that the following scenes have been caught, taken apart, stabbed, shot, burned and wiped out completely. Forever. Thank God. -
Back to the studio. Back to what's left of it. Back to what would make the post-outbreak scenery of Raccoon City look like a cosy living room.
Most of the audience has fled, those left can be seen rocking back and forth in their seats or wandering around aimlessly, muttering in grave distraction.
Osmund Saddler is still present and Albert Wesker has meanwhile returned for no apparent reason at all, their seats are gone though and both are looking far paler and more nervous than usual. Wesker's right eye appears to be twitching slightly. Alexia and William are nowhere to be seen.
Lady looks around, shaking her head. "Oh dear, I don't even want to imagine what it'll cost to get all this back into shape."
Suddenly a rope drops down besides her, a hooded figure with a rucksack sliding down from the ceiling. The figure is apparently a female dressed in a Resident Evil merchant cosplay costume, the initials W.C. being visible on her rucksack. "Welcome, hostess! What are you selling?"
Lady blinks cluelessly and scratches her head as she notices the merchant lady's gaze fixed on Wesker. "Uhm… him?"
The merchant cosplayer steps closer to Wesker and seems to inspect him carefully with a trace of doubt in her eyes. Quickly the hostess steps over to them, ripping off Wesker's clothes in a swift movement, the merchant's expression immediately brightening considerably.
"Aaah, I'll buy him at a high price!"
And before Wesker has a chance to react, the merchant lady has already disappeared with him in a flash of black lightning, leaving behind a slightly taken aback hostess and a very appealing piece of paper.
Lady inspects the check and grins broadly. She turns to the camera, ready to say goodbye for today when upon wanting to adjust her jellyfish she finds that it is no longer there.
"Hey, where is- OH SWEET MERCY IN HEAVEN, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING DOING!"
Shocked, Lady's gaze falls on Saddler's staff which is now lying on the ground and doing what appears to be making out with her jellyfish.
"MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP!" the hostess shrieks, pointing at the 'couple' on the floor.
"It's not an it, it's a she. And how do you think I'm supposed to make her stop?" "ORDER her to!" "Why don't you ORDER your jellyfish to stop then, hmm?"
They both fall silent. Listening closely you can almost hear their egos shrink in pain upon the realization of how much, or how little to be precise, authority they actually hold over their beloved 'pets'.
"So." "Well?" "Hm." "Yeah."
They both glare down at the scene in disapproving silence.
"I guess this'll take some time then." "Ah." "I heard the coffee machine outside's still working."
They look at each other, shrug and retreat defeated, leaving behind a perverted jellyfish and an organic staff, letting them do things no one really wants to know more about. Ah, sweet, sweet love…
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Valentine's Day. Isn't it just so romantic? …. nah. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed. So… cheers and tadaa!