Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
You Want me to do WHAT?
"What?" Harry asked dull.
"You heard us Potter," Snape sneered. "Draco is some sort of man veela and he's chosen you for his mate."
"But we hate each other?" Harry looked at the Headmaster. "Why the hell does he want to marry me."
"That's a matter for the two of you to discuss Harry," the Headmaster smiled gently. "Now all we have to do is perform the ceremony and you will be Mrs. Malfoy."
"What?" Harry couldn't believe that Dumbledore was expecting him to go through with this.
"Always the spoiled child," Snape sneered again. "You don't expect the scion of the Malfoy family to take the name of Potter do you?"
"I meant why do you expect that I'll agree to this?" Harry stared at the Headmaster in shock.
"Because if you don't, I'm afraid that young Mr. Malfoy will die," the Headmaster shook his head sadly. "And I know that you don't want that to happen."
"Not wanting it to happen and agreeing to marry Malfoy to stop it are two different things," Harry's eyes scoured the room looking for a way to escape. "Why can't he find someone else?"
"I think it would be best to refer to him as Draco from now on Harry," the Headmaster scolded gently. "And as for why you, well you're the one he's chosen and I'm afraid that he might go dark if you reject him."
"He's dark anyway," Harry couldn't believe this was happening. "What's wrong with you."
"Everyone deserves a chance to stay in the light," Dumbeldore ignored Harry's objections. "And to be quite frank, your attitude about this situation is starting to disturb me."
"Disturb you?" Harry asked shrilly, "I'm the one that you're trying to marry off to Malfoy."
"It's for the greater good Harry," Dumbeldore gave a grandfatherly smile. "Can't you see that."
"Well if it's for the greater good," Harry smiled nervously as a plan began to form. "Can I go back to my dorm for a few hours to gather things?"
"Of course Harry," the Headmaster nodded. "The ceremony won't be held until after the evening meal, so that should give you plenty of time to prepare."
"Bye now." Harry slowly backed out of the room, not wanting to turn his back on either of the two crazy men.
"Are sure Harry will laugh when we tell him that it was all a 'may fools day' prank?" Dumbledore asked his Potions Master, "one would think that this sort of thing would anger him."
"Of course he'll laugh," the oily head of house assured his boss. "Not only will it make him laugh, but I believe it will also foster a greater understanding between the houses."
"Oh, well if you really think so." Dumbledore happily popped a lemon drop in his mouth, "I do have to say though that I'm glad that you're finally forgiving the boy for who his father was."
"Yes, forgiving." Snape resisted the urge to laugh evilly as he imagined the look on the arrogant brat's face when he learned it was all a joke.
Harry's heart seemed like it was going to explode as he ran towards the Gryffindor common rooms, "Ron." Everybody looked up as he burst into the room. "Get Hermione, Fred, and George and meet me in our dormitory, and hurry we don't have much time."
Within minutes, Ron had gathered the three students and brought them to the dormitory that he shared with the 'boy-who-lived.' The four of them watched for several seconds as Harry franticly threw items in his trunk before Hermione decided to break the silence, "what are you doing, and why did you call us Harry?"
"Dumbledore wants me to marry Malfoy to keep him from turning Dark," Harry didn't pause his packing. "I need your help to escape Hogwarts and get out of the country before that happens."
"But he can't do that." Ron's face turned as red as his hair, "can he?"
"I'm not going to stay here to find out." Harry had finished his packing and shrunk his trunk, "will you help me or do I have to stun you and leave you tied up?"
"Of course we'll help you," Fred (or George) spoke for the group. "What do you need?"
"I'm going to need you to make excuses for why I'm not around if anybody asks," Harry threw on his invisibility cloak. "The other thing I need is for you to cause as much chaos as possible after dinner, that's when I'm supposed to marry Malfoy and I'm going to need every second I can to escape."
"You can count on us Harry," one of the twins assured their friend. "We won't let him get you."
"You four are the best friends a guy could ask for," Harry wiped a tear from his eye as he prepared to throw up the hood. "And if I never see you again, I just want you to know that I love you guys."
"I'm coming with you Harry," Hermione mustered up her courage. "You've never traveled and you need an experienced guide, without me you wouldn't last a week before you became Mrs. Malfoy."
"Fine," Harry's fear overriding his normal objections, "but what about your unrequited love affair with Ron?"
"What love affair?"
"Well the two of you fight all the time and everyone has been saying that it's because of the sexual tension between the two of you." Harry spoke quickly, not wanting to waist anymore precious seconds than he had too.
"What?" Ron shouted glancing at Hermione, "the two of us are just friends."
"Yeah," Hermione agreed, "by your logic Malfoy would be a better match for Ron than I would be. The two of them fight way more then the two of us do."
"You don't think I'm next do you Harry?" Ron look sicked as he considered Hermione's statement, "that if he can't have you, he'll come after me?"
"I don't know Ron," Harry came to a sudden decision. "But before I go, I'll tell the Goblins to let you access my account if you need to make a quick escape."
"Thanks Harry," Ron let out the breath he'd been holding. "You're a real pal."
"Whatever," Harry and Hermione began running towards the entrance.
"I have an announcement to make," the Headmaster called out at the end of the evening meal.
"This is it guys," Fred looked at the Hard faced Gryffindors that were sitting around him, "look at how smug those snake bastards are, let's give 'em hell."
A cheer from the Gryffindor table interrupted what ever the Headmaster was going to say next and the explosions that followed threatened to bring down the Great Hall's ceiling.
The entire Gryffindor table erupted in fury and began casting spells at the Slytherin table, "give 'em hell lads." Ron Weasley led the charge, "don't let up for one minute."
"Stop this at once," the Headmaster raised his voice and began walking towards the conflict, only to be stopped by a cute little first year.
"I won't let you," the little girl called out defiantly as she confronted the man that was widely regarded as the most powerful in the wisarding world.
"What?" Dumbeldore looked down at the child in confusion, "argelmocsck." And then bit down on his tongue to keep from filling her young ears with obscenity's from the pain in his shin.
"Take that," she cried kicking the headmaster in the other shin.
It took several hours for the professors to restore order and several more to coax the Gryffindor out of the empty class room where they had made their last stand (in the end several teams of Aurors had been called in and even then it took nearly three hours and Molly Weasley to get them to come out).
"What's this all about?" McGonagall hissed as she stared at her charges with undisguised rage, "what could possibility cause you to revolt against the headmaster and attempt to destroy the school?"
The assorted Gryffindors stared at their head of house and maintained their silence.
"Well?" Minerva was close to the breaking point.
"We had ta protect Harry," a familiar little girl shot the headmaster a look that promised pain. "From having to marry Malfoy."
"What?" Minerva looked lost, "what would give you the idea that Mr. Potter's had to be protected?"
"He told us that the headmaster was trying to force him to marry Malfoy to keep him from going dark," Ron's jaw ached from being hit in one of the Auror's early attempts to force them out of their room. "We may not be Hufflepuffs but we look after our own."
As one the rest of the Gryffindor house nodded their agreement. "That's absurd, the headmaster would never . . ." the headmaster cleared his throat, interrupting the Gryffindor head of house. "Albus?"
"It was all suppose to be a joke," the Headmaster smiled nervously. "Severus was telling me of a delightful muggle custom called may fools day and I didn't see the harm in pranking Harry for once."
"WHAT?" Minerva lost control. "You are going to apologize to Mr. Potter right now and you are not going to do something like this again, or I swear to you if this happens again I'll be right there beside my children throwing hexes."
"Of course," the Headmaster nodded regaining a bit of control. "Now if you'll just tell me where Harry is so I can apologize to him?" The Gryffindors all gave him hostile glares, "I assure you that I never had any intention of forcing Harry to marry Mr. Malfoy and further more ankalrenrd."
The little girl nodded in satisfaction as she watched the Headmaster bite his tongue to refrain from cursing again, "I don't believe you."
AN: Another odd idea, the blame for this can be laid solely at the feet of Fangalla Marie.