Disclaimer: In the middle of a dozen fics, thought it might be nice to finish one of them.

Harry Potter: Hero for Hire

Harry winced as he settled down in his cupboard. He'd thought school would be different, that he'd be able to spend the whole day free from his relatives. He hadn't realized that Dudley would be in the same class or that the teacher would ignore a certain amount of 'roughhousing' since 'boys will be boys after all.'

"I wish I could go somewhere else," Harry murmured to himself as he drifted off to sleep. "Somewhere without the Dursleys."

IIIIIIIIII

The courtier scowled down at the messenger after he'd read the dispatch the man had delivered. It was horrible, a catastrophe, and very likely to get him beheaded after he informed the King of the contents.

"I don't suppose I could persuade you to bring this back in a couple of hours after I get off shift?" The courtier asked.

The messenger looked offended at the very suggestion. "Be against the messenger's code it would."

"I am so sick of that code," the courtier growled.

"Then it's a good thing you ain't a messenger, eh?"

"Off with you."

"What, no tip?" the messenger shouted.

"Tell you what, if I'm still alive tomorrow then you can have a piece of gold."

"How about a copper today?" The messenger bargained. He'd been in the business long enough to have a good idea of what was going to happen to the other man.

The Courtier smiled. "How about nothing and we call it even?" He watched the boy leave in a huff, at least he was going out on a high note.

The courtier jotted down a revised version of his will as he waited for his turn to address the King, making sure to include a provision that anyone that gave the messenger a good kicking would be the recipient of ten gold coins.

"The king will see you now."

The courtier brushed past his fellow flunky and stopped a few feet before the throne to give a deep bow. "Sire, I'm afraid I have some bad news."

"What is it?" The king demanded.

"It's your daughter," the courtier said. "She's been kidnapped by the dragon."

"Of all the bloody foolish things to . . ." the king sighed. "Do we have anyone capable of defeating the dragon in single combat?" He sighed. She'd said she didn't want to get married to Prince what's his name the inbred, but he'd thought she'd at least be dutiful enough to go through with it. Never in his wildest dreams did he think she'd be stupid enough to go out and get herself kidnapped.

"No, sire."

"Fetch the royal wizard then," the King ordered.

"As you command, sire."

"And be sure he knows that I expect him to have a solution to my problem by the time he gets here," the king said ominously.

The wizard appeared in a flash of light a few minutes later. His robe was a deep blue, his eyes danced with power, and his magnificent white beard suggested untold years of study devoted to the arcane arts. He was the very model of a modern major spell caster.

"You have summoned me, sire?" The wizard addressed his liege in a deep booming voice.

"Drop the special effects and tell me how you're going to solve my problem," the king said sharply.

"Yes, my king," the mage seemed to droop. "I have a spell that will summon a mighty hero from a distant land to face the dragon and win back your daughter."

"Great, get to it."

"Now, sire?"

"Is there a problem with that?" The king asked in a tone that suggested 'there had better not be.'

"No, sire." Black lighting filled the room as the mage began his incantation. The walls seemed to melt and the air turned hazy with smoke.

"I said drop the effects," the king growled.

"My apologies, sire," the mage said contritely. "One gets used to doing things a certain way and . . ."

"Get on with it," the king interrupted.

The mage took a deep breath, snapped his fingers, and in a flash of light a figure appeared before the king.

"This is the hero?" The king said skeptically as he looked down at the sleeping child.

"According to the spell, he's already single handedly vanquished a powerful dark mage," the wizard assured his patron. "One that had been on the very brink of conquering a magical land."

"Still . . . kind of scrawny, don't you think?" The King said slowly.

"The spell parameters guarantee that he shall be able to defeat the dragon," the mage said quickly.

"Shame the spell couldn't be bothered to bring his equipment along," the King sighed. "Oh well, drop him off at the Armory and let him pick out what he wants."

"As my King commands."

IIIIIIIIII

When Harry awoke, it became immediately apparent that he wasn't in his cupboard anymore. He was in a large room filled with racks upon racks of weapons and armor.

"Finally awake are you then?" An old man announced in a reedy old voice.

"Where am I?" Harry asked curiously.

"You're in the armory, lad. Here to pick your equipment for yer quest to defeat the dragon and rescue the princess."

"I . . ." Harry closed his mouth with a snap. It occurred to him that he'd been taken away from the Dursleys and it would be impolite, to say the very least, to complain about the chores his benefactors had assigned. "Okay, what should I get?"

The gleam in the old man's eye told Harry that he was in for a long day.

"Well." The old man licked his lips. "That depends."

"On what?"

"On if yer thinking that you'd like to hire yourself some retainers," the old man replied. "And what yer thinkin of paying them, o'course."

"Uh . . . okay, but I don't have any money and . . ."

"Y'ell, 'ave plenty after yer first quest." Or he'd be dead. "So why don't we just leave aside that concern and address the first, yeh thinkin of hiring some retainers?"

"I guess," Harry agreed. It seemed like the right thing to say anyway.

"Good, cause I got a few relatives that are in need of some work." The old man gave Harry a satisfied smile. "Why don't I get someone to escort you down to the kitchen fer some grub, yer new retainers can take care of the rest."

"Okay," Harry agreed. He smiled as a maid took his hand and led him out of the room. "Thank you."

"No, lad, thank you." The old man grinned as he contemplated the bill they were going to submit to the king.

IIIIIIIIII

The maid led Harry through a maze of halls and down a flight of stairs into a large kitchen. Without a word to any of the staff, she marched him across it and plopped him down on a comfortable chair next to the fire.

"Just wait here," she said kindly. "I'll have something for you to eat right away."

"Thank you," Harry said politely.

He soon found his lap filled by a large plate heaped with roasted meat and his hand filled with a large mug of cider.

"When I get back I want to see that you've cleared that plate," the maid said firmly. She was a mother many times over and didn't like the fact that she could count the young 'hero's' ribs by sight.

Harry looked at the maid incredulously. "It's all for me?"

"And more where that came from after you've finished," she agreed indulgently.

Harry rewarded her with a dazzling smile. If this was how they were going to treat him, then he'd willingly face a hundred dragons for them.

IIIIIIIIII

While Harry was enjoying the best meal he could remember having, his new retainers were organizing the expedition. While the heros that always got all the credit, none of their deeds would have been possible without an efficient support staff.

Harry's new Majordomo cast a critical eye over the group of misfits that had volunteered to join the young hero's household. Under normal circumstances, he'd have been disgusted with the slackness they all showed. But as the majority of them were related to him, he was willing to cut them a bit of slack.

"Alright," he called out. "If yer goin with his nibs here to deal with the dragon, step forward."

Half a dozen men stepped forward along with a young boy a bit smaller then Harry.

The Majordomo walked over to examine the young boy. "I don't recognize you."

"I'm the new stableboy," the kid said nervously.

"Hmmm . . . aren't you a bit young to go on an expedition to rescue a princess?"

"Why yes," the stableboy agreed. "Yes, I am."

"Alright then," the Majordomo said. He appreciated the honest answer. "Let's get the horses packed and see that everything is ready before we get the boss out of the kitchens.

"Already done, sir," one of the men said firmly.

"Who are you?" The old man asked.

"I'm the stableboy, sir."

"I thought he was the stableboy?" The Majordomo waved a withered hand at the kid.

"I'm the senior stableboy," the senior stableboy explained.

"Whatever." He picked out one of the maids. "You, go tell the boss that we're ready and bring him here."

"Yes, uncle," the maid agreed. She returned a few minutes later holding Harry by the hand and presented him to the patriarch of her family.

The Majordomo looked down at Harry. "We've got your team together, sir. Two stableboys, an arms caddy, a cook, and half a dozen porters. With your permission, the rest of us will be surveying your future estates."

"Estates?"

"If you want to call it that," the old man said with an embarrassed smile. "Afraid since it wasn't an arranged kidnapping . . . well, you know how these things are."

"Uh huh," Harry agreed. Actually, he didn't know how those things were but he thought it best to go with the flow. Living with the Dursleys had taught him not to make waves.

"Ever ridden a horse before?"

"No," Harry replied.

"Didn't think so, that's why I had them pick out a gentle one for you. Just hold on and let him teach you how to ride."

"Okay," Harry agreed. The old man boosted him into the saddle of a large grey horse and handed him the reigns.

"Remember, just relax and let him do all the work," the old man advised.

"Right," Harry agreed.

The dragon's cave was a hard week's ride from the castle. An expert horseman could have done it in less if he had remounts, Harry's group arrived a month after they'd left. Harry fell into a routine as they journeyed to the Dragon's lair, he'd ride the first half of the day and practice his sword work under the watchful eye of his arms caddy the other half of the day while the staff arranged his camp site. It was the happiest he'd ever been in his life; he had a friend in the form of the junior stableboy, he had all the food he could eat, and no one yelled at him. It was a shame things were all going to end when the dragon gobbled him up, Harry reflected to himself as he prepared to go to sleep. They'd advised him to scout out the cave in the morning and then go back in the afternoon for the grand battle, Harry didn't see any reason to ignore their advise.

Harry awoke with a start a few hours later.

"Wake up, sir Harry," the arms caddy said gently.

"What is it?" Harry mumbled.

"The stableboys have run off to face the dragon," the arms caddy replied. "Might be a good idea to go rescue them before they get eaten."

"Okay," Harry agreed. He crawled out of bed and began pulling on his clothes.

IIIIIIIIII

People screamed as the massive shadow of the dragon eclipsed the sun and brought darkness to the land. They stopped screaming when it became apparent that the dragon was on its way to the castle, none of their affair what the nobs got up to.

The King stood on the rampart clad in gleaming armor, ready to lead the defense of his kingdom against the fearsome beast.

"False alarm, sire," the general called out. "Looks like the dragon isn't here for an attack after all."

"Ah, I didn't think we had that scheduled for another three months." The king nodded to himself. "Stand down and send a bottle of wine to my chambers."

"Yes, sire."

The king wasted no time getting out of his uncomfortable, but stylish, armor. Slipping into something more comfortable, he sat down in his favorite chair and pasted a regal look on his face just as there was a knock on the door.

"Enter," he called out in his most royal tone.

"Um, dragon here to see you, sire," a servant said nervously.

"Show him in," the King replied. The dragon stepped in and the king knew from the expression on the creature's face that it was going to be one of those meetings. "What is it?"

"Bloody mess is what it is," the dragon replied. He fixed a pair of reptilian eyes on the servant. "Leave unless you'd like a tour of my gastrointestinal tract."

"Eep."

The door slammed shut and the dragon smiled as his keen ears picked up the sound of someone retreating rapidly.

"What happened?" The king asked.

"I was defeated by a bloody stableboy is what happened," the dragon said unhappily. "One your daughter swore up and down was her true love who'd come to rescue her."

"Her true love?" The king asked weakly.

"What was I supposed to think?" The dragon asked quickly. "Princes have tumbles in the hay with commoners, princesses stay pure and true and all that rot."

"What a bloody mess," the king moaned.

"Try seeing things from my point of view," the dragon commiserated. "I was defeated by a damned stableboy, and that's not the worst thing."

"What's the worse thing?"

"Oh, you're really gonna hate this."

"Just tell me," the king demanded.

"Two stable boys accompanied your hero to my volcano."

"And?"

"And the other wasn't a boy," the dragon said unhappily. "It was your youngest daughter."

"I'd thought she was being more quiet then usual," the king reflected. "What did she do?"

"Either kidnapped or got kidnapped by my youngest daughter," the dragon replied. "Your hero arrived and rescued them from each other."

"And the rules are clear about what happens next," the king groaned. "Rescue a princess and she's yours to marry."

"Never should have taken the job of dragon king," the dragon growled. "Stupid job, doesn't even have any good perks."

"You think yours is bad, how would you like to try mine?"

"Mine is quite enough, thank you."

"So how are we going to deal with this?" The king asked.

"Well, for one thing." The dragon gave a reptilian grin. "I think it's plain to everyone that the stableboy was a disguised prince."

"Amazing the way he was able to keep it from everyone for so long," the king agreed quickly. "But the defeat of the dragon was enough to prove his lineage."

"Right," the dragon agreed. "As for our youngest daughters . . ."

"They made their bed," the king agreed.

"Let them lay in it."

"Remember the old days?" The King reminisced.

"Nothing like this happened in our day," the dragon agreed.

"Proper rescues and none of that kidnapping a dragon nonsense to muddy things up," the king said. "Those were the days."

"More wine?"

"Thank you," the king said gratefully. "You know, we really don't visit enough."

"We'll have to make it a point to get together more often," the dragon agreed.

"Talk about old times," the king sighed. "Remember the first time I went to your cave to rescue a princess?"

"Remember that voice of hers?" The dragon shuddered. "I almost killed you when you apologized and said you were on a quest to kill the troll and that the princess would have to wait for the next hero."

"Sorry about that," the king said, looking anything but. "But there was no way in hell I was going to take that one for a wife."

"Lucky thing a knight arrived three days later, I was ready to go mad."

"Luck hell," the king laughed. "Bastard was sniffing around my sister."

"Thank you then."

"What're friends for?"

IIIIIIIIII

Harry returned to camp with his new princesses just in time for lunch that afternoon. He sighed, if he'd known this would happen, he'd have just stayed with the damned Dursleys. Both girls had been arguing since he'd met them and they were still at it.

"If you didn't want to hold me prisoner then you shouldn't have captured me," the small dragon said logically.

"You captured me," the former stableboy said stubbornly. "I'm a princess, you're a dragon. Dragons capture princesses."

"I'm a princess and I thought you were a fearsome knight."

"How would you mistake me for a knight?" The girl demanded.

"You came into my lair and demanded to know where the princess was," the small dragon said. "Definite knight behavior."

"I'm a girl," the princess protested.

"How was I supposed to know that?" The tiny dragon demanded. "My books all agree that human females all have large sacks on their chest, you don't."

"I'm still growing," the princess said defensively.

"Quiet," one of the cooks barked. She fixed both of them with a glare. "The dragon has decreed that both of you captured the other. Not a common situation to be sure, but not unheard of either. The two of you need to learn to get along or you're both going to have a very unpleasant time of it."

The years past and by the time his Hogwarts letter came around, Harry was the most accomplished and sought after hero in all the land.

"I really think it would be in your best interests to hear their offer," Harry's legal advisor murmured into his ear.

Later . . .

"So let me get this straight," Harry's legal advisor said with a feral smile. "You want my liege to attend your school."

"Yes," Dumbledore agreed.

"A school that you're using to guard a priceless magical artifact from the shade of an evil wizard." She smiled, it hadn't been easy to ferret out that little piece of information.

"Gurk."

"Let's talk payment then, shall we?" She purred.

Still later . . .

Hermione screamed as the door began to buckle.

"Excuse me," a petite girl called out. She frowned when Hermione ignored her. "Oh, for heavens sake." She slapped the other girl across the face. "Finished?"

"How did you . . . I know I was alone a few minutes ago?" Hermione stammered.

"My name is Princess Rosamond, and we really don't have time for a long explanation of how I got here. The important thing is that you answer two questions, are you ready?"

"Y . . . yes," Hermione agreed.

"First question, do you believe that the troll on the other side of this door poses a danger to life and limb?"

"Yes," Hermione agreed quickly.

"Do you wish to be rescued?"

"Yes," Hermione screamed as the troll burst through the door.

Suddenly there was a boy and an old man with a golf bag in the room between them and the troll.

"Sign here, please." The Princess handed Hermione a stack of paperwork. Hermione numbly complied.

"What do you think, George?" Harry absently dodged the troll's club as he waited for an answer.

"I'd say the number four long sword would be your best bet, sir," the old man replied.

"I was going to say a number five myself," Harry said to himself as he ducked another strike. "But let's go with the four, and see how that works out."

"As you say, sir." The old man reached into the golf bag and pulled out a gleaming long sword. "Here you are, sir."

Hermione watched in shock as the boy turned back to the troll and dispatched the creature with a dozen quick cuts.

"You were right as usual, George," Harry said as he handed the sword back to his weapon caddy. "Number five would have been a touch long in this confined space."

"I do my best, sir."

"Now then." Harry turned to the princess with a smile. "Get her to the others, and get her cleaned up."

"As my lord commands," the girl agreed with a grin.

IIIIIIIIII

She smiled down at the girl. "I'm Harry's legal advisor."

"What does a questing hero need with a legal advisor?"

"You'd be surprised," the woman said with a grin. "If you're asking how he wound up with me . . . well, my father promised that I could finish my schooling before he arranged my marriage. I was just finishing law school and getting ready to start a new course to get my L.L.M. when he realized just how long school can take. My father being who he is, hired a group of orks to kidnap me rather then accepting the fact that that I had no intention of wedding my first cousin."

"And now you're engaged to Harry."

"Heavens no, my father may be a king but he's no legal genus. I found a loophole within five minutes of looking at the agreement he'd signed with Harry."

"Um . . ."

"Harry set me up with one of his retainers and we're planning to get married this fall, it's what he does with most of the princesses he rescues."

"Oh."

AN: Just having a bit of fun with this. I'd first thought to insert Harry into any number of situations by having him and others make off handed references to that time he fought the kodan armada or that time he had to fire a missile though a two meter exhaust port, etc. Decided I liked keeping things sword and sorcery. Typos destroyed by SP, elmayerle, random832