Disclaimer: Part 02 of Odd Ideas 101 'Sands of Time.' I did it because it was funny, deviance ahead.
The Untitled DC Xover
The first thing that Harry noticed when he regained consciousness was a news stand. The headline was a report about a glowing green man fighting aliens. Either the Statute of Secrecy had been badly fractured, or he wasn't in Kansas anymore.
"Where am I?" Harry mumbled.
"Kansas City," one of the passers by replied. "Did a bit of drinking last night?"
"Something like that," Harry agreed.
"Happens to the best of us," the man said sympathetically.
Two weeks and several attempts to make contact with magical society via getting caught for under-aged sorcery, all of which ended in failure, convinced Harry that he was indeed very far from home. This prompted a mild panic attack that led to the hospitalization of thirty two members of the Purple Gang, the remainder of the gang to the morgue, and Harry slipping out of town in the back of an empty box car.
But he was better now, Harry told himself, calmer and more focused. All he had to do was wait until his friends found a way to bring him back, and if he should happen to pass the time by drifting around watching this world's so called 'super heroes' in action, well who could blame him?
Harry was pulled from his musings by the appearance of several large tattooed men blocking the mouth of the alley he was cutting across.
"You wanna get through here, you gotta pay the toll," the apparent leader of the band said menacingly.
"What toll?" Harry asked dumbly. His fingers wrapped around the comforting grip of his wand. It was so convenient the way this sort of thing seemed to happen every time he started to run low on cash. Course, an outside observer might point out the fact that Harry was prone to taking midnight strolls through the edges of the less monied parts of town every time his reserves ran low. If only his friends could see him now, they'd be so proud of the way he'd learned to live off the land.
"Gimme yer wallet, boy," the lead thug demanded. "Less you wanna get cut."
"Stupefy," Harry replied, "Stupefy, Stupefy, Stupefy." Harry looked down at the fallen thugs. "Any of you mind if I take your wallets?" he asked politely. "No? Alright then, I really appreciate this donation to the Keep Harry Fed Fund." Harry expertly stripped the thugs and tied them to a lamp post after tossing everything of use or value into his messenger bag of holding. "Now then," he said to himself, "I'm pretty sure I saw a restaurant advertising fresh pie a few blocks back." Mmmm . . . pie.
The Commissioner rubbed his hands against the biting cold as he waited on the roof of the police station for his 'contact' to arrive.
"You called, Commissioner Gordon?" a gravely voice announced the arrival of Gotham's greatest detective.
"Patrol car picked up four unconscious men, found them tied to a light pole on the east side."
"So the hospital said that there wasn't anything wrong with them," the Commissioner explained. "Then, all of the sudden they each woke up with a strange story of a boy hitting them with a strange red light. For no reason of course, though the fact that each one of them had a rap sheet as long as my arm makes me a bit skeptical of that version of events."
"I'll look into it," the gravely voice promised.
"So you don't have any . . ." the Commissioner trailed off when it became apparent that he was on the roof alone. "I hate it when he does that."
Batman returned to his lair and immediately set his powerful super computer to work searching for any similar cases.
It appeared that the first reported cases were among the few surviving members of the 'Purple Gang' and that a trail of similar cases had occurred in a number of cities ending in:
"Gotham," Batman growled. 'What was this?' He thought to himself. A misguided new hero that didn't understand the prohibition against lethal force? He examined the morgue photos carefully for clues. Or perhaps a new villain out to make a reputation for themselves?
Whoever it was had better watch their back; The Bat was gunning for them and their time was limited. He didn't tolerate loose cannons in 'his' city.
Harry had seen a flier for a newly opened exhibit on the treasures of the Egyptian tombs at the Gotham History Museum and he couldn't wait to see it!
It was gonna be one of those days, Harry mused when the windows exploded and a group of heavily armed clowns rushed in. Well, he'd learned his lesson, no going to museums if you didn't want to come face to face with a homicidal madman.
Harry froze as an uncomfortable fact made itself known, make that no learning without coming face to face with a homicidal madman. If four years of Hogwarts had taught him anything . . . Harry frowned.
If all of his life experiences had taught him anything, it was that there was always someone out to kill, maim, or otherwise inconvenience Harry Potter. It was like he was the universes' spittoon or something.
He came back to his senses just in time to see the lead clown pointing a pair of comically large revolvers at a group of school children.
Harry sighed, two quick cutting charms and he'd done his good deed for the day. He glanced around to make sure no one was paying attention before summoning the comically large revolvers. They might come in handy, and it wasn't like the clown would ever be able to use them again. He then remembered that he could turn invisible and belatedly scampered behind a pillar to get his suit on.
"Harley," the insane clown called out, "did I put on my removable hands gag today?"
"I don't think so, Mista J, why?"
"Because my hands have fallen off," the Joker replied with a wave of his arms that sent bright red spurts of arterial blood spraying across the museum.
"Goodness, Mista J. You've been disarmed," Harley said in shock.
"I didn't disarm him," Harry's voice echoed through the room, "I unhanded him."
"Finally a hero that enjoys a proper joke," the Joker laughed, "might I have the name of Gotham's new punisher?"
"No heroes here," Harry said quickly, "I'm allergic to spandex. I'm just a guy on vacation." Granted it wasn't a vacation he'd taken by choice, but those words had just seemed so right.
"Well then let me be the first to welcome you to Gotham," the Joker said grandly with a courtly bow, ignoring the blood poring from his wrists.
"Thank you," Harry replied politely. The sound of sirens told him that it was time to be going. "Uh, you might want to go to the hospital."
"For this?" The Joker waved his arms wildly, spraying a group of hostages with blood. "Tis but a flesh wound."
The museum was rewarded by Harry's booming laugh as he walked out one of the emergency exits. Good to know that at least some of the villains in this world had a decent sense of humor, not like Voldemort's lame obsession with knock knock jokes, or Snape's idiotic puns, or Dumbledore's extra sour lemon drops... Hmmmm.
Only seconds after Harry made his escape, Gotham's dark knight crashed through the skylight to confront the still giggling Joker and his shellshocked gang.
The sound of flesh hitting flesh woke Harry from his slumber and he immediately made his displeasure known. "Would you all just shut up?" This is what he got for staying in an abandoned warehouse.
Harry opened his eyes and looked down to find a rather . . . er, odd scene. It seemed that a group of thugs had captured Gotham's caped crusader and tied the man to a chair, Harry thought the ball gag and the jumper cables on the man's nipples were a bit much.
The boy's eyes widened in shock as he realized what he'd stumbled onto. "Sorry," he called down. "Not at my best when I get woken up and if I'd known I was interrupting your romantic moment then I'd have kept my mouth shut."
"This isn't a romantic moment," the lead thug said to the voice in the all concealing shadows.
"It isn't?" Harry asked in shock. Cause that's what it looked like. "Then, Batman didn't pay you guys to . . . er, show him a good time?" Several months of living in slums had broadened the boy's horizons considerably.
"No," the lead thug growled. "We're doing this for ourselves."
"Is that why he fights you guys?" Harry asked, piecing the whole thing together. "Because you have a habit of repeatedly kidnapping and violating him?"
"We aren't going to violate him," the lead thug said with a sigh. "We're going to torture and murder him."
"Boss," one of the other thugs held up his hand. "It's nothing worse then any of us have done in prison before and just think of how popular a video of that would be with the rest of the boys."
"Right," the chief thug agreed. "You lot . . ." he trailed off when he noticed that the chair they'd tied Batman to was empty. "Where'd he go?"
"Escaped when you guys were talking about video taping it," Harry said helpfully. "Why don't I just show myself out?"
Harry slipped out of the warehouse and was long gone by the time the Dark Knight had finished off the group of thugs.
Batman glared around the dimly lit space, as if trying to make a scrap of evidence that would reveal the identity of his latest foe appear by sheer will power alone. He'd been so close. Oh well, he only had to be lucky once, the boy had to be lucky every time. Eventually the kid would slip up and then the bat would get him.
Two blocks away, Harry was enjoying an early breakfast at an all night diner.
"You're up early," the waitress commented, pouring the boy a cup of coffee.
"Was having a kip in one of the warehouses down the street and you'll never guess what I saw," Harry replied.
"Oh?" the woman took a closer look at her young customer, run away maybe? Her breath caught, what an adorable pair of green eyes. "You all by yourself, honey?"
"Yeah," Harry agreed. "Just a bit lost, but I'm sure my friends will find me eventually." If not, well, at least there was no Voldemort in this world.
"I'm sure they will too," she agreed firmly. "Now what did you see?"
"Saw proof that Batman is a deviant pervert," Harry replied. "Guy lets thugs capture him so that they'll uh . . . 'show him a good time' if you know what I mean."
"Oh?" She knew several reporters that would pay good money for a scoop like that. "Tell me more."
"Well, when I woke up they had him tied to a chair with a ball gag in his mouth and jumper cables on his nipples." Harry grinned. "But that's not the best part, you'll never guess what happened next."
"What happened next?" she echoed.
Batman set the purple letter down with a perplexed expression on his face.
"Master Bruce, Are you OK?" his manservant Alfred asked carefully, noting how out of sorts his charge looked.
"The common criminal scum I hunt have begun to alter their usual torture methods in ways that are a bit worrisome and... I think the Joker just broke up with me," Batman replied, wondering if this was perhaps a hallucination brought on by exposure to too much Fear toxin and Joker gas.
"Oh Dear," Alfred muttered quietly, deciding that he'd better step up his matchmaking attempts without Bruce's knowledge or there would be no next generation of Waynes to care for. 'Perhaps Diana needs a bug in her ear about role play and bondage, considering the footage from last night... that might be best.'
It was Gotham's newest villain, the leather clad 'Mr. Slave' that convinced Harry it was time to move on. He'd seen all that the city could offer and it was time to see another piece of the world. A piece called, Metropolis.
Which was how he found himself at the Gotham bus station surrounded by a group of faceless thugs on their way to find henching jobs in cities where their virtues weren't in danger of being stolen by the local heroes.
"So let me get this straight," Harry said, trying to understand the whole situation. "This Batman guy used to run around in tights with a young boy, also in tights?"
"Yup," the thug agreed.
"And no one called the police?" Harry demanded. "That's kind of . . . well, I don't want to start any rumors. But it's definitely something that needs to be looked into."
"You know, I never thought of it like that," the big man said slowly. "Makes sense though. Batman's a sexual deviant."
"Bet he gets his kicks from kicking us around," another said with a frown.
"Certainly explains a lot of things," the first thug agreed slowly. "Anyone know what we need to do to file a complaint?"
"I'll have a talk with my parole officer the next time I see him."
"I didn't know you were allowed to leave town if you were on parole?" Harry said thoughtfully.
"All depends if you're a common crook or a professional hench," the big man explained. "Police know that us professionals are model citizens when we're not on the clock so they mostly leave us alone." He rummaged around in his pocket for a few seconds and pulled out a business card. "Here's the name of one of the better agencies."
"Thanks." Harry examined the card carefully.
"It's not a bad life. Plenty of excitement and it's fairly safe aside from the occasional beating by one of the capes."
"Puts food on the table anyway," another agreed.
"I'll keep it in mind," Harry promised.
"Just be sure to go through the new member orientation," the big man said firmly. "Let's you know the important things like which villains like to randomly shoot underlings and what not."
"I will," Harry said with a nod. "And that's my bus. Later, guys."
"Have a good trip, kid."
"You too," Harry replied as he got onto his bus. It wasn't the Hogwarts express and it smelled like urine, not to mention the vomit stains on most of the seats. But as there were no Malfoys or Dursleys around, so Harry counted it as one of the most pleasant trips he'd ever taken.
Bruce awoke to the familiar sensation of being bound and gagged. He looked up to see the unfamiliar sight of Wonder Woman dressed in black leather, a sneer on her face and a a coiled whip in her right hand.
In one smooth motion, the woman reached down and ripped the gag off his mouth.
"What's going on, Diana?" he demanded in his best scary Batman voice. His hands already working to undo the knots.
"The safety word is banana," she giggled, leaning down to give him a tender kiss. Straightening up, her expression hardened. "You will address me as Princess, worm!" she barked, punctuating her statement with the crack of a whip.
His hands froze. Perhaps it would be best to let things play out for a bit . . . purely for research purposes of course.
A tear worked its way down Alfred's wrinkled cheek as he listened to the sounds of debauchery emanating from the master bedroom.
It was as if Master Bruce's parents had been returned to life. He should have arranged things years ago.
Bruce was speeding down the road and away from his stately mansion as fast as the Bat-mobile would take him. It hadn't been easy, but Batman had managed to escape his bonds when his shapely captor was distracted by other matters.
"I'm not running away from Princess Diana, I'm running towards the bat-signal," he told himself firmly. He shuddered at the thought of the punishment she'd give him for running away. Another thought occurred, how much worse would the punishment be if he was late in getting back? Batman's foot eased off the accelerator for a second before he stomped it back down firmly, any delay now could cost lives later. He'd have plenty of time for that on the way back to the Batcave.
It took a couple minutes to find a parking space at the heart of downtown Gotham as someone had already parked 'Social Services' van in his usual spot.
"You called for me, Commissioner?" Batman growled from the shadows.
"No, they did," the Commissioner said with a wave, indicating a large woman with bad skin and a short sallow bald man.
"Mr. Man," the woman began in a voice that sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard. "We'd like to ask you a few questions about your 'sidekick,' Robin."
"And I'd like to conduct an inspection of your living quarters and those you assigned to the boy," the man added.
"What's this about?" Batman demanded.
"Social Services," the man identified himself.
"And Sex Crimes," the woman said. "There have been some concerns raised about your propensity for dressing young boys in tights. We just have a few things we'd like you to clear up and then we can all put the whole matter behind us."
Harry stepped off the bus and took his first look at the bustling city of Metropolis. First impression was that it was a much cleaner and brighter place then Gotham, at least on the surface. Time would tell if the cities backstreets and alleyways were any different. Harry certainly hoped not, otherwise he might have to find a new source of income or cut his visit short.
A cold smile appeared on Bruce's face. It had taken weeks of carefully analyzing footage from dozens of security cameras but finally, he had it. The face of the mysterious man that had given the criminal scum the idea of . . . that is to say, the mysterious man that needed to be stopped for justice to prevail. A few keystrokes and the pictures were sent to every member of the League with orders to arrest and detain. Justice would prevail and maybe then the criminal scum would stop trying to sexually assault the Dark Knight on camera.
The sound of a whip cracking tore him away from his pondering and back to the present.
"Who told you, you could leave, worm?" Diana growled.
Looked like he was in for another long night. Batman ruthlessly suppressed his grin in favor of a dignified silence as he walked away from the computer to meet his fate.
Clark's eye's widened in shock when he spied the face that had been circulating on the League's latest wanted poster. Sure there wasn't enough evidence to try the boy in a court of law, but trifles like that had never stopped members of the Justice League from doing their duty.
"You're coming with me," the Man of Steel said firmly.
"Stupefy, incarcerous," Harry replied quickly. No way was he going anywhere with a deviant spandex fetishist that wore his underwear on the outside.
Spying a pay phone, Harry decided to do his civic duty. Conveniently the emergency number was printed on the phone and he soon had a police officer on the other end.
"Yeah, I'm a supple young boy and some spandex clad pervert with his underwear on the outside tried to come onto me. Left him tied up about a block away from the phone."
Good deed done, Harry decided to see if there was anywhere good to eat in the local area.
As it happened, the nearest police car was one carrying a film crew. The officer in the driver's seat turned on the lights and siren while his partner turned to explain what was happening.
"We got a report of a pervert stalking young boys," the police officer told the camera crew that was broadcasting a live version of the show 'Metropolis Justice.'
"According to the call, the freak chose the wrong victim. We're gonna role in and assess the situation."
"Sounds like a real prize too," the first cop added as the pulled onto the street. "Complaint said he was wearing spandex and his underwear on the outside."
"What are you gonna do?" the reporter asked.
"Hook him up and take him to the station, he'll get his day in court like everyone else."
"I see something," the first cop said. "Blue spandex legs, red underwear on the outside and the top half covered in rope."
"Get a close up of the perv," the reporter whispered to the cameraman.
"I don't fucking believe it," the cameraman muttered in shock as he, and the rest of the city, got their first look at the face of the suspected sex offender.
It just wasn't Superman's day.
Eager to show the world that no one was above the law, the police tossed the city's guardian into the back of a paddy wagon and dragged him back to the station for a fun filled night of interrogation.
"You have to let me loose," the Man of Steel said desperately. "There's a dangerous criminal loose in the city and only I can stop him."
"What's this criminal's name?" the interrogating officer demanded.
"Seems to go by the name Harry," Superman replied, quoting the information he'd read in the detain notice.
"Seems to?" the man frowned. "Which jurisdiction issued the arrest warrant?"
"The League issued the detain notice on our own," Superman explained. "Now let me loose."
"What crime did you catch him committing when you attempted to detain him?" the officer asked calmly.
"I didn't . . ." Superman shut his mouth. "I want to speak with my lawyer."
"Tell him you're being charged with; assault, attempted kidnapping, and anything else we can think to tack on," the cop said cheerfully. Sure they'd probably be ordered to cut the bastard loose. In the mean time, it was tremendously satisfying to put one of the bastards that made the department look bad in his place.
One by one, the members of the Justice League arrived and took their place around the conference table.
"Any idea what this meeting is about?" one of them asked.
"Think it has something to do with Superman's arrest," her neighbor replied.
Several eyebrows raised when Diana, Princess of Themyscira walked into the meeting holding a leather leash in her left hand. Every jaw in the room dropped when Batman followed her in, the leash attached to a studded leather collar around the hero's neck.
"Don't dawdle, worm," Wonder Woman growled.
"Yes, Princess," Bruce agreed quickly. He shot his best glare around the room, daring anyone to say anything.
The meeting finally began when Superman arrived to set the agenda.
"I just got out of jail," the Man of Steel said bluntly. "And the repercussions of my arrest are already being felt."
"When's your court date?"
"I'm not being charged with anything thanks to the fact that my assailant did not stick around to file a complaint," Superman replied. "That has set an unfortunate precedent in Metropolis. The Chief of Police has told me that I'm not to apprehend any criminals unless I catch them in the act or I have a warrant in my hands."
"A small town in Nevada has already made costumed heroics illegal," Batman added. "Several Senators are talking about amending the constitution. Thankfully, they don't have the needed support." Batman allowed his steely eyed glare to sweep over the table. "That's why I think it's imperative to deal with the threat that this 'Harry' presents right now, before he's allowed to cause any more damage."
"What's your plan?" Superman prompted.
"It's simple," Batman began. "In phase one, Flash will . . ."
"What are you, nuts?" the Flash interrupted. "There's no way I'm going after the guy that's defeated and humiliated every superhero that's tried to bring him in. Live and let live, that's my motto."
"Since when?" Batman challenged.
"Since you wanted me to go after the guy that has a habit of defeating and humiliating heroes," Flash shot back. "If I see him, then I'm going to do everything I can to stay on his good side. Not like he's breaking any laws is it?"
"He's suspected of several murders," Batman growled.
"Any proof?" Flash asked quickly. "If so, give it to a judge and get a warrant."
Lex was sitting in his office with a wide smile on his face as he stared at the framed newspapers on the wall. There is no joy like schadenfreude, nothing sweeter, nothing more satisfying.
"Sir." His assistant walked into the office. "Our pet Senators report that they don't have enough votes to pass any laws banning superheroes."
"I never expected them to," Lex said flippantly. "Just wanted to ratchet up the tension a bit."
"Of course, sir. While unlikely to take off on the national level, there is a small town that has enacted laws against costumed heroics in Nevada."
"LexCorp is the only private sector employer."
"I see." Lex laughed. "Make a note to do something nice for this 'Harry' character that's set everything in motion."
"I will, sir."
A smile lit Alfred's face as he went over the master of the house's confidential medical reports. Master Bruce may complain about the way Princess Diana was treating him, but the proof in how he really felt was in how the man's blood pressure had dropped. Alfred raised an eyebrow at the next piece of information, looked as if Master Bruce was breaking his diet. Well, a word with the Princess would solve that issue.
Harry decided to cut his time in Metropolis short in favor of a town where he wouldn't get propositioned on the street by men with bizarre sexual fetishes, which was why, ironically, he was headed to Las Vegas.
Harry decided to take things slow, stopping at a number of small towns along the way. He was in some small, no name Kansas town when his propensity for doing good deeds kicked in.
"Need some help?" he asked cheerfully.
The older woman stopped struggling with her groceries to see who'd addressed her. "I'd love some help, young man," she replied after giving him a measured look. "Thank you."
Harry scooped up the woman's bags and gave her a look of expectation.
"It's this way. Normally I'd have Kara help me with this, but she's busy helping my husband today," Martha explained to the nice young boy that had offered to carry her groceries.
"I'm just happy to be useful," Harry said honestly.
Martha spent a few moments to examine the boy, poor dear was all skin and bones. "Do you mind giving me a bit more help?" she asked, making a split decision. "I need to get these things into the house when I get home and if you carry them for me, then I'd be happy to cook lunch for you."
"Deal," Harry agreed. He hadn't had a home cooked meal since the last time he stayed with the Weasleys.
Two hours later, Harry was eating the best meal he'd had in years. Mrs. Weasley was a good cook, the house elves knew how to serve a decent if predictable spread, Martha Kent was an artist.
"So what brings you to Kansas?" Martha asked the boy.
"I'm seeing America," Harry replied.
"Oh?" He had such a marvelous accent, she wondered if it was real. "All by yourself?"
"All by myself."
"Not safe for a young boy like you to be off on your own," Martha scolded. "I've heard what happens to good people in the cities."
"Don't I know it," Harry agreed. "You wouldn't believe the crazies I've met in my travels. This one guy in Metropolis was dressed in a spandex body suit with his underwear on the outside tried to make me go off somewhere with him."
"What happened?" Martha asked in concern.
"I was able to knock him out and tie him up," Harry replied. "Then I called the police."
"Good," the old woman said with a satisfied smile. "Just glad you got away."
"I don't even want to think about what he would have done to someone that couldn't have defended themselves," Harry agreed. "Just glad that pervert is off the streets." He gave a deep burp of satisfaction. "Excuse me."
Martha giggled. "It's good to be appreciated."
"It was the best meal I've had in a long time," Harry assured the woman. The boy stood up and stretched. "Thank you for your hospitality, I'd better get going if I want to get back to town in time."
"Wait a few minutes and I'll give you a ride," Martha ordered. She went back to the kitchen for a few minutes and emerged with a large sack. "Here, for the road."
"I couldn't . . ."
"And I insist," she interrupted. "You'll stunt your growth if you skip too many meals."
"Thank you." Harry smiled.
With a heavy heart, Martha drove her latest stray to the Smallville bus depot.
"Are you sure you can't stay any longer?"
"If I don't leave now, I won't be able to catch the last bus," Harry replied. "But I'll be sure to visit the next time I pass through."
"Good." The old woman waited until the bus arrived and waved goodbye to the boy as he boarded the last bus out of town. With a sigh, she made the drive back to the farm to start dinner.
"We're home," Kara called out.
"Shame you couldn't have gotten back a couple hours ago," Martha sighed. "I met the most darling boy and I'd have loved to introduce you to him."
"Runaway I think," Martha told her adopted daughter. "He helped me with the groceries so I made him lunch and a bag of sandwiches to take on the trip."
Harry awoke early the next morning as the bus pulled into another small town and the cramp in his legs persuaded him that it would be a good idea to stretch them out.
"Where are we?" Harry asked the driver.
"Pleasant Nevada," the driver replied. "Gettin' off?"
"How far to Vegas?"
"'Nother five, six hours." People rode buses because of the low price, not the speed.
"I'll catch the next bus," Harry decided. "Thanks for driving me this far."
"No problem, kid."
Harry spent the next two hours exploring the town and was starting to think about finding lunch, when another incident tripped his saving people thing.
"Stop, thief!" an old woman screamed.
Harry turned to see a mountain of muscle barreling towards him. A quick tripping jinx bought him a bit of time to think. A smile appeared on Harry's face. Since he had the time, he might as well be creative.
The cops arrived five minutes later to find the criminal so thoroughly wrapped in rope that it looked as if he'd been the victim of a giant spider, they'd find the more creative bits when they got the first few layers off.
"You know super-heroics are illegal in this town?" the first cop on scene demanded.
"I'm not a superhero, sir," Harry said respectfully. "I'm just passing through on my way to Vegas."
"Why did you stop the purse snatcher then?" a cop demanded harshly.
"I couldn't just stand by and let him hurt that nice old lady," Harry replied, scandalized by the very notion.
"Why'd you use magic?" Seemed like superhero behavior to him.
"No way I was gonna take on that monster without magic." Harry shuddered. "His arms are bigger then my legs."
"Point," the cop sighed. "You're really not a hero?"
"Just a guy on vacation," Harry agreed. "Stopped in town to use the bathroom and get something to eat."
"You eat yet?"
"Come on then, best diner in town is a bit off the main drag and you'd never find it if you didn't have a local guiding you."
"Just let me report what happened first." The cop spent a couple minutes speaking to his Sergeant. "It's right this way."
While it wasn't a patch on Mrs. Kent's home cooking, the Diner still provided one of the better meals Harry had eaten in his current dimension. Proving once again that local knowledge is the best kind of knowledge.
"Thanks for showing me this place," Harry said gratefully.
"Thanks for saving that old lady," the cop countered.
"Always happy to help." Harry glanced at the clock. "I'd better get back to the bus station."
"Just a second, the mayor called while you were in the bathroom and asked me to keep you till he gets a chance to meet you."
"I . . ."
"I'll either have them hold the bus or give you a ride to the next town," the cop assured the boy. "Don't worry."
"Okay," Harry agreed.
The mayor, a slimy looking fat man, arrived a few minutes later with a couple reporters in two.
"Wonderful thing you did, son," he said loudly. "Proving that you don't have to put on a mask to help people if you have powers."
"I just did what anyone would have done," Harry replied modestly.
"Still." He glared at one of the reporters. "Be sure to get us both in this shot."
"And get that television camera over here."
A smile lit Martha's face when she found her adopted daughter reading on the couch, shame the girl would soon be leaving the house to establish her independence.
"Mind if I watch the news, dear?"
"Go ahead," Kara replied.
The first story was about a three legged pig named George, the second caused Martha's jaw to drop in shock.
"That's Harry!" Martha exclaimed.
"What?" Kara looked up from her book.
"On the TV," Martha explained. "The boy that helped me with the groceries." The two women watched as the news report continued.
"He knows magic?" Kara said dumbly.
"Guess that's how he dealt with that pervert in Metropolis," Martha said in satisfaction.
"What pervert in Metropolis?"
"Some deviant in spandex with his underwear on the outside tried to proposition poor Harry," Martha replied. "Luckily, he was able to fend him off and escape."
"Why does that sound familiar?" Kara mumbled to herself. "Wait, that's the guy that had Clark arrested!"
"What's this about my boy being arrested?" Martha demanded harshly.
With a sigh, Kara reluctantly explained the entire story to her steaming guardian.
"Where's Clark now?" Martha growled.
"Off planet trying to negotiate a peace treaty," Kara replied.
"Be sure he knows that I want a word with him as soon as he gets back," Martha said firmly. "Understand?"
"I understand," Kara agreed.
"I know I raised that boy better then this," Martha mumbled to herself. "None of that sort of thing on my side of the family."
Harry's paranoia tripped when he noticed that there was a man with a suit waiting when Harry's bus arrived in Las Vegas.
"Good evening," the man began kindly. "I'm here to congratulate you for being the one millionth person to ride a LexCorps bus to Las Vegas."
"Wow." Harry grinned, feeling a bit guilty for doubting the man. "Do I win anything?"
"You win ten nights at the fabulous Lexor casino, free trips to the casino buffet, and a date with the lovely Zatanna."
"I don't know what to say," Harry confessed.
"Say thank you and enjoy your stay," the man advised.
"There's a car waiting outside to take you to your destination," the suit continued.
It was the first time Harry got to ride in the back of a limo, the first time he got to drink champagne, the first time he arrived in his penthouse suite to find a tailor waiting to suit him up for his date. For once in Harry's life, it looked as if the universe wasn't trying to forcibly sodomize him and he intended to enjoy it while it lasted.
"I'll have your suit ready soon, sir," the tailor reported. "The cobbler will be up shortly to get you fitted while the barber gives you a shave and a haircut." Which would normally have cost two bits.
"Okay," Harry agreed, having long since decided to just go with the flow.
What followed was a stream of people going into and out of his new room. Tailors, barbers, manicurists, cobblers, everyone and everything needed to outfit the boy in style. As the sun dipped below the horizon, Harry found himself standing backstage with a bouquet of roses in his hands, waiting for his date's act to finish.
"So, did you enjoy the act?" a soft sultry voice purred.
Harry whirled around in surprise, wand in hand to find a shapely girl with black hair smirking at him. "It was great," Harry croaked, disappearing his wand.
"Waiting for the other shoe to drop," Harry explained. That and no one had tried to kill him for a couple days, that was never a good sign. "Ready for our date?"
"Just let me change out of my stage clothes," Zatanna replied. "Shouldn't take more then five minutes."
"Alright," Harry agreed. He made another sweep of the room to make sure that there were no thugs hiding in the shadows. "I'll be waiting."
Zatanna skipped to her room with a wide smile on her face, it was so cute that he was nervous to go out with her. Nice to know she was still attractive. She threw on the dress her manager had picked out and stepped out to rejoin him.
"Let's try this in the proper clothes this time. I'm Zatanna," she purred.
"Harry," he introduced himself. "Pleased to meet you. Shall we?"
She took his arm. "We shall." A smile appeared on Zatanna's face as Harry escorted her out of he casino, at least he was going to the effort of taking her away from her workplace.
They were about three blocks from the casino when a sudden thought occurred to Harry. "Sorry," he said contritely. "But I forgot to get money on the way here." And Lex's people had forgotten to slip him any earlier, it was an oversight that would not please their boss.
"Oh?" she said flatly.
"Really embarrassing to have to do this on a date," Harry sighed. "I'm really sorry about this. Spent all day getting prettied up and I forgot to pick up some cash."
"Don't worry about it," she assured him, didn't look like he was trying to mooch off her after all. Now if she could only figure out where she'd seen his face before. "Happens to the best of us."
"This way," he took her arm and gently led her into a dark alley way.
"You probably don't want to take this shortcut," the League Magician whispered softly.
"Why not?" Harry asked.
"Because there's a toll," the lead thug decided to make the gang's presence known.
"Was wondering when you guys would show up," Harry said in relief.
Zatanna's pupils narrowed to pin pricks, a set up?
"Stupefy, stupefy, stupefy, stupefy, stupefy, stupefy, stupefy, stupefy, stupefy, stupefy, stupefy, stupefy, and stupefy," Harry chanted. Whistling a jaunty tune, Harry set about looting his opponents of everything useful. "There," he said in satisfaction at a job well done.
"You just . . ." the headliner stuttered.
"Got anyplace you'd recommend?" Harry asked hopefully. "I'm new in Vegas and haven't had time to see the sights."
"Uhh . . ."
"And I should probably phone this in," Harry continued. "It's the polite thing to do anyway."
"You know magic?" she blurted.
"So do you," Harry agreed. "Or I would have asked you to wait somewhere while I did this."
"What I do on stage is . . ." Harry raised an eyebrow causing her to trail off. "Fine, I know magic too," she sighed. "How'd you know?"
"I can feel it in you," Harry replied. It was in one of the handy guides he'd looted from the Ministry, they were great for those times he was on a bus and couldn't get to sleep. A couple chapters and he was out like a light.
"Well, why are you rolling back alley thugs for petty cash?" she demanded. "Why not get a job?"
"Not much I can do," Harry said with a shrug. "No marketable skills or identity papers."
"Half trained and I hate being the center of attention."
"Where'd you learn how to use your powers anyway?"
"Somewhere that I'll probably never see again," Harry sighed. "If you want to cut our date short, then . . ."
"No!" she blurted. Not after she found a guy that wasn't bothered by her powers that wasn't a super villain or a member of the league. "Uh, I know an Italian place not far from here. Why don't we try that?"
"Sure," Harry agreed.
Kara was waiting when Superman returned from his mission and the look on her face caused a chill to run through the hero's mighty spine.
"What is it?" he asked, fearing the worst.
"Ma wants to have a talk with you," Kara replied.
"She said that you had better be home within three minutes of getting back into the solar system," Kara squeaked. "She said she'd know if you were even a second late."
The man of steel bravely stepped out the airlock and flew down to earth as fast as his powers would take him.
Zatanna pouted as her date shot down another of her arguments. Twenty minutes into their date and she had a sinking feeling that she wouldn't be able to find a reason to get her potential boyfriend to give up his life of crime. Her eyes lit up as another argument came to mind.
"Well you're still robbing those people," Zatanna stated. "The fact that they're criminals doesn't change things, two wrongs don't make a right."
"The fact that they're criminals does change things," Harry replied with a grin. "Law states that you can take anything from someone you catch committing a crime. Congress passed it to make life easier for the heroes."
"Hah, you said you weren't a hero."
"Nothing in the law says I have to be one," Harry finished smugly.
"How do you know that?" she challenged.
"It's in the pamphlet the government puts out for persons displaced from their native dimensions," Harry replied, holding up a battered pamphlet. "Along with a lot of other useful facts."
"The government puts out a pamphlet for people from other dimensions?" she asked dumbly.
"Yeah, and time travelers, aliens, etc. You can get them in the bus station."
"Looks like you win this round," she conceded.
"I didn't know we were having a contest," Harry murmured. "Besides, what does it matter if I roll a few punks in Vegas or if I knock out some spandex clad pervert in Metropolis? I . . ."
"Wait," she interrupted. "You knocked out a spandex clad pervert in Metropolis?" Why did that sound familiar?
"Yeah," Harry agreed. "Sicko wore his underwear on the outside and had this fruity red cape."
"You're the guy who got Superman arrested," Zatanna blurted out in shock,finally piecing together where she'd seen his face before.
"Did what to who now?"
"Got Superman arrested," Zatanna repeated.
"Guy in a clown suit?" Harry asked uncertainly.
"No, that's the Joker," she replied.
"Uh . . . guy with clocks all over his clothes?" he ventured.
It took a bit of time, but she eventually managed to provide a good enough description of the hero to stimulate Harry's memory.
"The spandex fetishist?" Harry frowned. "Why would anyone care about that weirdo?"
"He's a mighty hero," Zatanna said hotly.
"He wears his underwear on the outside," Harry countered.
"I . . ." Privately conceding that the boy had a point, she tried a different tactic. "Why did you knock him out and call the police?"
"Let's see, a weirdo in spandex wearing his underwear on the outside asks me, an innocent young boy, to go off alone with him. What would you do in my situation?" Harry asked sarcastically.
"What were you doing when he tried to apprehend you?" Zatanna asked weakly
"Walking down the street and trying to decide what I wanted to eat," Harry replied. The strangest things happened when he was looking for something to eat, it was almost as bad as when he was standing around minding his own business, but fortunately not nearly as bad as when he was doing something educational.
"Well . . . I guess I would have done the same thing as you did," Zatanna said in defeat. Who would have thought Superman could get into so much hot water just because he didn't bother to explain his actions to a stranger?
Martha glared at her boy, daring him to say something, anything to defend himself. Imagine it, picking on poor Harry like that.
"It wasn't like that," Clark tried to defend himself.
"What was it like, then?" Ma Kent demanded. "Tell me exactly why you were bothering poor Harry?"
"Batman put out a detain order," Clark said quickly, trying to calm his angry mother. "I was just trying to arrest him."
"Batman? Don't think I haven't read about what he's been up to in the newspapers." A sudden though occurred. "Exactly how close are you two anyway?"
"Is that why you haven't settled down and given me grandchildren?"
"No, I . . ."
"Why is it then?"
Harry was escorting Zatanna back to the hotel when a police car, lights flashing and siren blaring, screeched to a stop beside them.
"You're Harry, right?" the cop asked quickly.
"Yeah," Harry agreed. "What can I do for you?"
"We need your help," the cop replied. "Get in."
"Sorry I had to cut this short and sorry I couldn't walk you home," Harry said.
By way of reply, Zatanna grabbed him by the ears and gave him a soul searing kiss. "Don't worry about it."
Harry stumbled into the passenger seat and the police car tore off into the night.
"I forgot to give him a way to contact me," Zatanna gasped. "Damn it!"
The Joker reached up to scratch his cheek with one of his shiny new hooks when Harley screamed out for his attention.
"Mista J, come quick!" Harley hollered. "Ye gotta see this!"
"What is it, Harl?" the Joker asked as he sauntered into the room.
The Joker glanced at the idiot box and immediately smiled when he saw his favorite 'hero' on the screen.
"We're coming to you live from the sunset strip where a madman has strapped explosives to his chest and is threatening to blow up a bus full of school children."
The camera panned to a man with wild red hair screaming at the top of his lungs and waving, what appeared to be a radio controlled detonator in his left hand.
"I want a helicopter, a million . . . make that fifty million dollars, and a pardon from the governor . . . make that the President, or the kids get it. I've loaded this bus with a hundred . . . make that five hundred pounds of explosives and if you try anything, there won't be enough of the little darlings to fill a shoe . . . make that match box."
The camera panned back to the police line and focused on a messy haired teen standing next to one of the police officers. The young man was holding up his right hand and repeating after the officer.
"...Swear to obey the laws of Los Vegas and the United states government, to respect the authority entrusted to me, and to help law enforcement officials when required."
The Camera man zoomed in, getting a close up of the officer's solemn face, and then panned to the equally sober Harry as the officer continued.
"Then It is my pleasure to deputize you into the Los Vegas Police department. Your first duty will be to help us resolve the current situation."
Harry's Answering grin was angelic and excited. The camera man, showing the professionalism that hand landed him one of the sweetest gigs in the city zoomed back out just in time to catch Harry whip around and send a couple of quick cutting charms at the hostage taker.
"Problem solved," Harry said with a satisfied grin. "Need anything else?"
"Nope." The man looked over at the screaming criminal. "Did you have to chop off his arms?"
"I did if I wanted to be sure the kids would be okay," Harry agreed. "Would have tried something else if it was just him, wasn't going to risk it when the safety of the kids was at stake."
"Works for me," the cop agreed. "Good job, kid."
"Always happy to help," Harry said modestly.
The camera panned back to the reporter.
"Once again, the day is saved, thanks to the actions of a plucky young man with powers and without a mask." The reporter gave a fake smile, ignoring the screams of the disarmed criminal in the background. "For channel six news, I'm Mike Michaels, signing off."
The Joker's laughter filled the hideout. "And that's why I love that kid," he said loudly. "Class and a sense of humor, where else do you find those two things together?"
Harley's eyes narrowed in jealousy, it seemed she had a rival.
It was late morning when Harry got back to his hotel, just in time to check out.
"Compliments of Ms. Zatanna, sir," the desk clerk said, handing him a note. "She asks that you please contact her the next time you're in town."
"Thanks," Harry said with a grin. "I will, definitely come back here to stay too. This place is amazing."
"I'm glad you think so, sir, and I'm doubly glad to tell you that you've got a life time twenty percent discount in all Lex hotels."
"I don't know what to say." Harry's grin deepened. "Thanks, I . . . just thanks."
"We're happy to be of service, sir. Do you need a ride to the bus station?"
"Sure," Harry agreed. "You guys take care of everything."
Martha stopped at the bus station and gave a heartfelt sigh. This was where she'd dropped poor Harry off just a couple short weeks before. She hoped the boy was taking care of himself.
"Something wrong?" a familiar voice asked.
"Harry!" Martha squealed. "You're back."
"I thought I'd visit since I was passing back through Kansas," Harry explained.
"You're just in time for lunch," she said happily. "Come back to the farm with me."
"I could never turn down one of your meals, Mrs. Kent," Harry agreed. He spent the ride back telling her of the things he'd seen since his last visit.
"Kara!" Martha yelled as they pulled in.
"Yeah, mom?" a slim, top heavy, blonde replied.
"I'd like you to meet Harry. Harry, my daughter, Kara."
"Hi." The girl was unable to resist giving him a curious once over.
"Hi yourself," Harry replied trying not to stare. She was a very 'healthy' young girl.
Martha watched happily at the teens' reactions as they walked back into the house.
"Kara, could you give us a bit of privacy?" Martha asked.
"Okay, mom," the girl agreed, walking out of the room.
"I hate to ask this," Martha began, trying to think of a way to phrase her request.
"Anything," Harry replied.
"It's just . . . do you think you could enchant some rope to be unbreakable and . . . and maybe a riding crop?" she asked slowly.
"Shouldn't be too much trouble," Harry agreed. "Why do you need it?"
"It's a present for my son's girlfriend," Martha replied with a blush. She would have her grand babies no matter what it took.
"She's really into horse riding, huh?" Harry scratched his chin. "Give me a couple weeks to make sure I can make the spells last, nothing worse than getting bucked off because the magic wore off and the rope snapped."
"Thank you, Harry," she said, relieved the conversation was over. Martha raised her voice. "You can come back now, Kara."
The door opened to admit the blushing girl who was doing a fair imitation of her native red sun.
"You do remember that I have super hearing?" the red faced girl whispered to her adopted mother, trying very hard not to imagine a scene with Harry getting bucked off that his words had conjured.
"I'm sure you can keep a secret, dear," Martha replied.
"We saw you on the news," Kara announced. "Did you really have to cut that guy's arms off?"
"Nope, but that would have increased the chances of the kids getting hurt." Harry shrugged. "Would have stunned him but I didn't know if that would make the bomb go off." Harry paused. "I'd have also cut his head off or done anything else to him if that's what it took to save those kids, glad I didn't have to." In the end, Harry's greatest power was his willingness to do things that well adjusted people would never consider.
"So . . . um . . ." Kara blushed a deep red. "Have you seen the town diner? They have the best milkshakes around. If you want . . . um . . . I guess I could show you," she finished hopefully.
"Sure," Harry agreed. "I'd love to go."
"If you do that, poor Harry will miss his bus," Martha pointed out, noting the look of disappointment on her daughter's face. "So I'm going to have to insist that you stay in the spare room tonight, Harry."
"If you insist," Harry agreed.
"Why don't you two have lunch in town?" Martha suggested. "You can come back in a few hours for dinner."
"Okay, mom," Kara agreed. "Come on, Harry. I know a short cut through the fields, it's almost as fast as driving."
"Why don't you show him the pond on the way back," Martha suggested after them. It was where she and her husband used to go to have a bit of personal time before they'd gotten married. It was only proper that the next generation carried on the tradition.
Martha was still smiling when her husband came home.
"What's got you so cheerful?" Jonathan asked.
"Harry came back," she replied.
"Oh, where is he?"
"Kara's showing him the pond," Martha replied.
"She is, is she?" He turned and began walking out of the house.
"Stop right there! Kara's perfectly able to take care of herself."
"You say Harry is a nice boy, right?"
"That's right," Martha agreed.
"Isn't that what your mother used to say about me?" Jonathan countered. "Don't you remember what we used to do when we went for a walk by the pond?"
"I'm sure I don't know what you could be referring to," Martha replied, blushing a deep red.
"We're home," Kara announced.
"I um . . ." Kara looked down at her feet that were floating about six inches off the ground. "I'm having trouble coming down."
"Wish we could all have that problem. It'd be great to be able to fly on your own," Harry said wistfully, apparently neither surprised nor shocked that Kara was floating.
"Come with me, Kara," Martha ordered. "Before I forget. Harry, I'd like you to meet my husband, Jonathan Kent."
"Nice to meet you, Mr. Kent."
"Nice to meet you, Harry," Jonathan replied.
"Please keep each other entertained till we get back," Martha asked as she hustled her daughter out of the room.
She closed the door and pulled the girl into a hug.
"What happened?" Martha asked gently.
"I kissed him and I got so excited that I started floating," Kara admitted.
"And you're having a hard time calming down?"
"Every time I start to, I think about what happened and go up again."
"A lot of girls feel like they're floating on cloud nine when they get a kiss," Martha assured her daughter. "It's perfectly normal."
Jonathan and Harry stared at one another for a few minutes until Jonathan decided to break the silence. "I hear you're traveling the country."
"Yeah," Harry agreed. "I spent . . . I didn't get to see much growing up and I figured I owed myself to see some of the world since I didn't get killed."
"There's a story there," Jonathan observed.
"I did something stupid to save my godfather and my friends," Harry admitted. "Woke up in this world."
"Where'd you expect to wake up?"
"I didn't. What happened should have killed me and considering the way things have been going for me I'm not completely sure it hasn't. This world just keeps getting better an better."
They lapsed into silence for a few minutes. This time it was Harry that chose to break it.
"Anything you need help with around the farm?" Harry asked. "Doesn't feel right staying here without doing something to earn my keep."
"Been meaning to clean out the old barn," Jonathan said after a moment of thought, not wanting to hurt the boy's pride by turning him down. "Suppose you could help me with that before dinner."
"Let's go," Harry agreed.
Martha gave her daughter one last hug.
"Uh huh," Kara agreed.
"Good. You've got nothing to worry about, you saw how Harry reacted. He's not going to stop talking to you because you can do things he can't. He can do things you can't. That's also normal."
"Okay," Kara agreed.
Jonathan watched in shock as the barn cleaned and repaired itself after a flick of the boy's wand.
"What do you want me to do with all this stuff?" Harry asked, waving to a pile of old tack.
"I'll go through it later and toss out everything that can't be repaired," Jonathan replied.
"Would you rather I fixed it all?" Harry asked.
"You can do that?" He slapped himself. "Of course you can do that, you did it to the barn."
"Just give me a few minutes to research it," Harry asked looking for a particularly ratty piece to experiment with. "Never did leather before."
"Take your time."
Batman moaned through his ball gag as his tormentor brought her riding crop down on his bare behind again and again and . . . wait, why'd she stop? He looked back and his eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets.
"Sorry ta botha ya Wonder Woman," Harlequin said as she walked into the room. "But I really need to talks with ol'Bats."
"How did you know where to find him?" Diana demanded.
"Mista J has known about Bats' secret identity for a long time now," the psychotic henchgirl replied.
"Oh." Diana pulled out the ball gag. "Ten more for the interruption."
"Yes, princess." He turned his best menacing glare on the criminal, something made much more difficult by the fact that he was chained to a saw horse. "What do you want?" he growled.
"I think I'm loosin Puddin," the clown girl sobbed.
Bullock looked up in annoyance when one of the other police officers walked up to his desk and loudly cleared her throat.
"What is it?" the detective growled.
"Got a charity here that wants to hand out condoms to some of the rent boys we picked up," she replied. "We told her that she had to talk to you first."
"Why in the hell did you do that?" he barked.
"Trust me, this is one meeting you really want to have," she said with a wide grin. "You'll hate yourself forever if you miss it."
"Send her over," the Detective ordered.
The officer left only to return with a leggy blonde in tow. "Here's Detective Bullock, the man you have to talk to."
"Thank you," the leggy blonde replied. "Detective, my name is Marsha Brady and I'm here on behalf of the Clean Gotham initiative."
"Get to the point," he ordered.
"You're aware of the high rates of venereal disease found among Gotham's male sex workers, are you not, Detective?" she asked.
"Show Detective Bullock the condoms you'd like to give to the prisoners," the uniformed officer prompted with a grin.
"Yes, of course. Here you are, Detective," Marsha said, handing him a pack of condoms.
"Why do these have bat symbols on them?" he demanded with a confused frown.
"You're not aware of the latest slang, Detective?" Marsha asked in surprise.
"Detective Bullock doesn't work vice," the officer explained. "But perhaps he'd like to go along while you pass a few out." She bit her tongue to keep from laughing. "Trust me, Detective."
"Let's get this over with," Bullock sighed.
It took Bruce almost an hour to calm the insane clown girl enough to get the whole story. 'Harry!' he thought, his mind filling with rage.
"Tell me everything!" he barked.
Harvey's jaw dropped when he saw the cells filled with men in batman costumes. He'd have never . . . an evil thought occurred.
"You can pass them out to the prisoners, so long as you agree ta do one thing for me," he told the leggy blonde, with an evil grin.
"What is that one thing, Detective Bullock?" she asked in a frosty tone, afraid he was going to ask to test one of the condoms with him.
"I want to make sure everyone in Gotham has a chance to protect themselves," Bullock said. It only took a few minutes to explain what he wanted her to do.
"That shouldn't be a problem, Detective," Marsha said with a bright smile. "And let me say what a pleasure it is to work with such a dedicated public servant."
Harry had just finished refurbishing the old horse tack when Kara reappeared.
"Um . . . hey," the girl said, glancing down at her feet. "Guess you want to know why I can fly, huh?"
"If you want to tell me," Harry agreed. "If not, I don't need to know. For that matter, I'd assume you'd like to know about my magic powers."
"Yeah," she agreed.
"Have a seat." He waved her to one of the hay bales. "It all stared one day when a letter appeared . . ."
"The Bat Signal just went off, worm," Wonder Woman announced. "Get back before ten or you're staying in the kennel tonight."
"Yes, Princess!" Bruce yelped.
"Leave, now!" She kept her firm expression until her boyfriend left the room. It softened considerably when she turned back to the villainess. "Alfred is bringing up some ice cream and the two of us are going to have a long conversation about men."
"Thanks, Wonder Woman," Harlequin sniffed. "You're the best."
Jonathan and Martha jumped up from the table and raced towards the barn after the wind carried the sound of their daughter sobbing.
"If he's hurt her," Jonathan growled as he tore open the door. His tirade abruptly ended when he took in the scene. Kara had her arms wrapped around the blue boy, her face buried in his shoulder crying her eyes out.
"You're going to have to loosen your grip so he can breathe, Kara," Martha said gently.
"Ma!" Kara released the gasping boy and grabbed onto her adopted mother.
"Come with me, dear," Martha said, hustling her daughter towards the house. "And tell me all about it."
"What happened?" Jonathan demanded.
"I don't know," Harry replied, still panting for breath. "I was telling her about how I found out I was a wizard and she just started crying."
"Oh." That put a whole new spin on things. "Women do that sometimes. Martha will come by later and explain things. I wouldn't worry about it too much until then."
"Did you get a chance to look at the saddles?"
"I did," Harry agreed. "Put them back up on the pegs too."
Batman landed on the roof and walked up to the Bat Signal.
"You called for me, Commissioner?" he asked in a gravely voice.
"No," a woman replied. "I did." She thrust a package of bat condoms into his hands. "Are you aware of how risky your behavior is?"
Harry was sitting at the table, eating with his left hand since the girl on his right had captured his other hand and refused to let it go.
"Have another helping, Harry," Martha suggested, spooning another serving on mashed potatoes on his plate.
"That's the third one," Harry laughed. "I'm not sure I can finish it."
"You need to make up for missed meals," Martha sniffed, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. Such a brave boy for enduring what he had.
Detective Bullock was bouncing up and down in excitement as the paddy wagon pulled in.
"What's got you so up?" one of the other cops demanded.
"Vice is bringing in a new load of streetwalkers," the large Detective replied. "Shhh. Just watch."
The back doors of the van opened and out came a man in an odd batman costume,followed by another, and another, and another, until it became clear that there was nothing in the van but a bunch of costumed crime fighters.
"I find out who convinced the rent boys to dress like that, they get a round of drinks on me," Bullock laughed. "I haven't felt so good since my third marriage."
"Wasn't she the one that tried to kill you?"
"Yeah, almost succeeded too," Bullock agreed.
"Guy you want goes by the name of Harry. Caught a bunch of thugs torturing batman in a dark warehouse and misinterpreted the situation," one of the other detectives said helpfully. "Intelligence has a whole file on the incident."
Harry woke up to a bone crushing hug from Kara coupled with a tearful goodbye.
"But I'll be back in a couple hours so don't go anywhere," the girl begged.
"I'll see what I can do," Harry agreed. With his biggest local source of distraction gone, Harry set about researching the best way to complete the commission Martha had given him.
Mrs. Kent made a big pitcher of lemonade and carried it out to the barn. It was hot outside and she worried that her house guest wasn't drinking enough water to deal with it.
"Good timing," Harry said, wiping a bit of sweat off his brow.
"Turns out there were already a set of spells for it in one of my books for some reason so I didn't have to develop them myself," Harry explained. "Also turns out that I had a couple female riding outfits in my things. Should be charmed to fit, self repair, and to protect the rider from damage."
"Thank you, Harry."
"I'm always happy to help a friend," Harry replied.
"Speaking of help . . ."
"Kara won't be back till later today and she'll be devastated if you leave without saying goodbye, so . . ."
Yes?" Harry prompted.
"Do you think you could stay another night?"
"Sure," Harry agreed. "I already agreed to see her again before I left and it's not like I'm in a hurry to get anywhere."
"And . . . um . . . I hate to ask for another favor after all the help you've already given me," Martha dithered.
"What is it?" Harry prompted.
"Would it be possible to include a mask with that riding outfit?" Martha asked hopefully.
"Give me thirty seconds." Harry rummaged around the bag for a moment. "It okay if I make it out of black silk?" he held up a bolt of material.
"That would be perfect, Harry."
Harry cast a dozen quick spells to shape the fabric and another several to enchant it.
"Here you are, all the standard spells plus another that should make the user difficult to recognize. Tell me if you need anything else or if the enchantments start to unravel and I'll do my best to fix, make, or modify whatever you need."
"Thank you, Harry, you've been a big help."
Martha was waiting when her daughter and husband returned later that day.
"Is Harry still here?" Kara demanded.
"He is," she agreed. "And I would appreciate it if you kept him out of the house for a couple hours."
"Happy to help with that, ma," Kara giggled, darting off to meet with the boy.
"You've got a few thing in the barn you need to take care of, don't you, Jonathan?" Martha prompted.
"Just tell me when you're through with whatever it is," the man agreed.
Bruce strained against his bonds. Though blindfolded, his keen sense of hearing could hear her footsteps getting closer, ever closer until . . .
"Phone call for you, Mistress Diana," Alfred's voice broke Bruce out of his trance.
"Thank you, Alfred," she replied. Her voice hardened, "the worm is not to move until I get back."
"Of course not," Alfred agreed. "What should I do in the event of the Bat Signal being used?"
"Release him and have one clothes pin ready for every ten minutes that he's gone," Diana ordered.
"I shall see to it, Mistress Diana," Alfred agreed.
"Thank you, Alfred. I don't know how we'd manage without you." She took the phone and listened for a few minutes. "Change of plans, Alfred. Let him out after five hours for five minutes, then it's off to the hole until I return."
"Yes, Mistress Diana," Alfred agreed. It was so nice to have a lady in the house again.
The flight from Gotham to Kansas didn't take long and Diana was soon walking to the front door of Superman's childhood home.
"Diana," Martha said, swinging open the door before the other woman had a chance to knock. "Thank you for coming."
"You said you had a problem you needed my help with?" Diana asked.
"It's about Clark," Martha sighed. "I didn't know who else to turn to, then Alfred told me what you've done for Bruce and . . ."
"I'm not going to do for Clark what I do for Bruce," Diana interjected firmly.
"Of course not," Martha gasped, scandalized by the very notion. "I just wanted you to give Lois a little talk, maybe give her some pointers. It really isn't the best thing to come from me."
"I also have some gifts I'd like you to pass along," Martha continued, indicating a large box. "I thought it better to come from one of the girls rather than her boyfriend's mother."
"What sort of gifts?" Diana asked.
"The sort his father and I used to enjoy when we were younger," Martha replied with a deep blush.
Harry and a floating Kara returned to the house just a few minutes after Diana had made her exit.
"Have another good walk by the pond?" Martha asked.
"The best," Kara agreed.
"Good." Martha winked at her daughter. "Are you planning to head back to the east coast any time soon, Harry?"
"Maybe, why?" Harry asked.
"Would you mind calling me the next time you're in Gotham, Harry?" Martha requested. "I have a friend that was hoping that you'd be willing to enchant some things for her too."
"No problem," Harry agreed. "Tell her I charge in food, though I'm not sure I should since the food here is so good that I think I still owe you a few hundred enchanted items."
"Who's your friend, Ma?" Kara hissed, eyes narrowing in jealousy.
"Diana," Martha replied.
"Oh." Kara relaxed. "That's okay then." For a second she was afraid that she was going to get some competition.
Clark had just returned home after a hard day of writing articles, rescuing Lois from mortal peril, and saving the city, when two animated ropes snaked under his door and tied him up.
The door opened and the man of steel strained to see who his latest captor was. It was a woman dressed in a traditional English riding outfit complete with helmet and jodhpurs with one addition, a domino mask obscuring her features and making identification impossible, even to his Kryptonian senses.
"Well well well, look what I caught in my little trap," the woman purred.
"Who are you?" Clark demanded. "What do you want?"
"Oh, sorry." The woman's posture shifted from confident to embarrassed and she took off her mask to reveal the smiling face of the Daily Planet's ace reporter.
"Lois, what are you doing?" Clark asked, straining against the ropes holding him down.
"You will speak only when spoken to!" Lois barked. A girlish grin appeared on her face. "Diana told me what you wanted for your birthday, just play along."
"Silence," she ordered, punctuating her command by striking him with her riding crop, causing a sharp pain to shoot through the man's shoulder.
"Oww!" he winced.
"I'm sorry," Lois said contritely. "Did that hurt you?"
"A bit," he admitted. "Not so hard next time."
"Okay," she chirped. A cruel grin appeared on the woman's face as she redid her mask. "You will follow my instructions, do you understand?"
"No?" He shot his girlfriend an odd look, what in the hell was going on.
"You've been wild and untamed too long," she said. A wicked grin appeared on her face and she brought her riding crop down on his buttocks with a resounding whack. "You may not understand now, but you'll learn your place soon enough," she promised.
She waved her hand like Diana had taught her and the saddle jumped up and placed itself on the hero's back. Another wave and the bridle joined its companion.
"I think a nice loop around the city to start off with," she mused as she mounted. A third wave undid the roped.
"Lowis, whas . . ." he tried to ask, voice muffled by the bit in his mouth.
"Silence," she ordered, whacking him on the butt. "You have your instructions, a loop around the city."
Seeing no other options available, he complied, his grin so wide it threatened to split his face.
Bob had saved up for months for his trip to Metropolis and it was all with the aim of getting a glimpse of his hero, the city's greatest defender.
"Look, what's that in the sky?" he asked excitedly.
"It's a bird," one of the others in his tour group said disinterestedly.
"No, I think it's a plane," one of the others disagreed.
"Looks like a frog to me," an old lady opinionated.
"It's not a frog, grandma," a little girl giggled. "It's Superman, and there's a lady on top of him bouncing around." In a flash, the old lady's hand was covering her granddaughter's eyes.
"That never would have happened in my day," the old lady said firmly.
Bob wasn't paying attention, every fiber of his being was concentrating on getting the perfect shot. He'd later credit his new telephoto lens for allowing him to take the iconic shot that would grace the front page of every newspaper in the country and would later become the centerpiece of a brand new LexIndustries ad campaign. But deep down, he'd always know that the real credit went to lady luck. Without her, he'd have never been in the right place to take the shot, never scheduled his tour at the right time to get the shot, never arrived at the store for the sale that allowed him to afford the lens in the first place. Life was pretty good for Bob and it was only getting better.
Lois was still giggling when Superman landed on her balcony and stood still to allow her to dismount.
"That was really fun," Lois bubbled. "We'll have to do it again soon." She pulled Superman into a toe curling kiss. "I rode you first so it's only fair for you to ride me now."
"Well . . . it is only fair," the hero agreed with a super lecherous grin.
Harry was walking down the highway enjoying the sight of the sun rise when a ratty looking ex-police car pulled to a stop next to him.
"Need a ride?" the man in the left seat asked. He was dressed in a black suit, black tie, black sunglasses, black shoes, and a black hat.
"Sure," Harry agreed.
"Hop in," the identically dressed man in the right seat suggested.
Clark carefully extracted himself from his lover's embrace and flew out the window. He needed to talk with someone about what had happened the night before.
It didn't take long to fly to Gotham and through the secret entrance to the Wayne Manor.
"Something I can do for you, sir?" Alfred greeted the hero.
"I need to talk to Bruce about something," Clark replied with a blush.
"Of course, sir," Alfred agreed. "Is there anything else?"
"May I use your phone?" Clark asked. "I need to call the Planet to let them know that I'm going in late today."
"Feel free, sir. You know where it is, I trust?" Alfred asked.
"I do," Clark agreed.
"Master Bruce shall be down shortly," Alfred said as he walked out of the room.
Bruce froze as his earpiece chirped twice before relaying Alfred's message.
"I see," Bruce sighed. "Banana."
"What's wrong?" Diana asked, helping him free himself from his ropes.
"Alfred just contacted me through my earpiece, Clark's here and he needs someone to talk to."
"Oh . . . you didn't, I wasn't too rough was I?" she asked with worry filled eyes.
"You were just right," he assured her, punctuating his statement with a quick kiss. "I just need to speak with Clark and we can get back to our fun and games."
"Do you think it could be my turn to be tied up next?" Diana asked hopefully.
He grabbed a fist full of her hair and pulled her into another kiss. "You have been a very naughty Amazon," he whispered.
Harry awoke with a jolt when the car pulled to a stop at the end of a large traffic jam. The driver was already leaning out the window to find out what was wrong.
"What's the hold up?" the driver asked.
"Nazis are doing their annual march across the bridge," one of the pedestrians replied.
"Illinois Nazis," the driver said in disgust.
"I hate Illinois Nazis," the passenger growled.
"Floor it," Harry suggested. To the boy's intense disappointment, the racists all managed to jump off the bridge before being flattened by the moving chunk of Detroit steel to the cheers of the crowd. "Let me out here," Harry asked. "I want to go back and finish the job."
"Have fun, kid."
"See you around," the passenger agreed.
"I'll kill you!" the short Nazi leader screamed from the river. "You're dead, your families are dead, your pets are dead!"
"Let's see," Harry mumbled to himself as he gathered up his power. "What can I do to these guys that will set an example for all the other Death Eaters wannabees in the world?" He smiled. "How about . . ." a twitch of his wand caused the section of the river containing the swimming bastards to raise up into the sky. "Now to close things." the section became a sphere. "And now to make the blades." A few sections of the water hardened into ice. His blender was ready, all he had to do was set it to puree.
A giant green hand appeared and rescued Harry's soon to be victims.
"Some reason you did that, mate?" Harry asked calmly, too calmly.
"Because it's my job," the Green Lantern replied. The man's eyes bulged when he recognized the boy he was facing. On a scale of good to not good, this situation had a rating of totally fucked.
"Take a walk for a few minutes," Harry advised.
"Look, we all hate Illinois Nazis, but you can't just kill them," the Green Lantern said earnestly, a trickle of nervous sweat working its way down his brow.
"You're protecting them?" Harry growled. The air around the boy began to shimmer. Violence appeared to be imminent.
"I swore an oath to protect everyone," the Green Lantern replied. "No matter who they were or what I thought of them."
Harry gave the nervous man a flat stare for a few moments before giving a slow nod. "You know what? I can respect that. What are you going to do with them?"
"Haul them off to jail," the Green Lantern replied. Figuring that it was the safest answer to give. "I'd do the same with you, but I doubt there's a jury in the country that would convict you." And it would be embarrassing to have the judge, jury, and attorneys, and bailiffs carry the boy out of the courthouse on
"They're all yours," Harry said. The boy turned around and walked away. "Be sure to tell them how lucky they were."
"I will," the Green Lantern agreed, sagging with relief. "I'll also point out that I won't always be around to protect them."
Bruce's grin got wider and wider as he listened to his best friend's rant about the events of the night before.
"To sum things up?" he prompted.
"To sum things up, this is all your fault," Clark growled at his best friend.
"How is it my fault?" Bruce asked.
"If you and Diana hadn't decided to be so public, none of this would have happened," Clark barked.
"You think that was my idea?" Bruce asked incredulously. "The Princess insisted we do it."
"She knows if I call her anything else," Bruce replied nervously, eyes darting around the room as if he was afraid his mistress would suddenly burst in. He grinned. "More seriously, did you enjoy yourself?"
"I . . ." Clark blushed a deep red.
"That's all that matters," Bruce cut the other man off. "So long as what you're doing is making you happy or it's something you're willing to do to make her happy." He put his arm around the other man's shoulders. "There are a few things you need to know to make sure that everyone enjoys themselves. First is to agree to stop everything the moment your partner says either 'no' or gives a safe word. It also helps us to have someone outside the situation monitoring it to make sure we don't take things too far, Alfred's been a big help with that. Another thing you need to know is . . ."
Vixen gave a depressed sigh as she stared out across the water. Her romantic situation sucked and was bound to end in tears no matter what happened. If she got the guy, it meant a friend didn't. If her friend got the guy, it meant she didn't. And if things continued as they had, they'd all be miserable.
"What's got you so down?" a male voice asked.
She gave a start at the unexpected break in silence and looked up to see the person some people called the most dangerous man in America, the boy who'd effortlessly defeated two of the League's most powerful heroes, looking down at her.
"I . . . I . . ." she stammered.
"What the hell," she laughed. He didn't look like he wanted to fight. "Have a seat, Harry."
"How'd you know my name, uh . . ."
"Mari," she introduced herself. "And I know it because you're quite famous in some circles."
"Saw me on the tele?"
"Something like that," she agreed.
"So what's the problem?"
"I have a friend and she and I are fighting over who gets to have-" She blushed. "Something."
"Why can't you and your friend just share it?" Harry asked.
"It's . . ." she licked her lips. "Not unheard of to share where I'm from. I'm not sure she'd go for it though."
"She will if she's your friend and she wants the thing as much as you seem to think she does," Harry said firmly. "I know I'd be willing to share anything I had to keep a friend happy."
"Just try talking with her about it," Harry suggested. He glanced at his watch. "If you'll excuse me, I've got a bus to catch. Good luck."
"I will, and thanks, Harry."
Clark walked into the Planet and was immediately confronted by his angry editor.
"Kent!" Perry bellowed. "My office!"
"You called for me, Chief?" Clark asked.
"Do you have any idea why Lois just called in sick saying that she was unable to work today?" Perry demanded.
"Um . . ." Clark blushed a deep scarlet red.
"She mentioned something about being unable to walk or move anything from the waist down," Perry continued. "Sounded more than a bit smug about that little tidbit."
"Um, Chief I . . ."
"Now it's none of my business what you two do in your off time, but try to go easier on her next time, I can't afford to lose days of work from one of my star reporters," Perry finished. "Got it?"
"Got it, Chief," Clark agreed.
"Good." A grin split the other man's face. "Cigar?"
Vixen mustered up her courage as she walked through the halls of the Watchtower in search of her friend. She finally had a solution to her romantic mess that would make everyone happy, deliriously happy in the case of one green clad hero, and all she had to do was be brave enough to go through with it.
"Hawkgirl!" she called out, spotting her prey.
"I need to have a talk with you about something," Vixen said seriously. "It's important."
"Let's go find someplace private," Hawkgirl suggested.
AN: Main concept when dealing with the capes is that each one has a fetish, getting back to their roots with this. Don't believe me? Look up Wonder Woman's origin story, look at who created her and why. Interesting guy, very interesting guy.
Lots of editing by dogbertcarroll
Polish by: dogbertcarroll,
More polish by rhianona
Scenes by Manatheron
Typos by: katling2003, Tommy King, kahless62003, yamaban, Jeremy Silver, Lucinda Siverling, Ordieth, Simon Mountney, akas2k1, Red Jacobson, Jim Compton
Ideas by: daenerys5539,
"It's all thanks to Harry," Vixen sighed as she settled into the arms of her lovers.
"Harry?" the Green Lantern squeaked, stiffening at the name. Oh god he knew it was too good to be true.
"Yeah," Vixen agreed. "He's the one that suggested sharing."
"And that's why I'm not ever going to get on his bad side and why I'm going to do everything possible to get on his good side," the Flash said firmly.
The Flash walked into the conference room and collapsed into his chair. "Fire in an office building, too high for the ladders to reach."
"Any reason you didn't call for help?"
"I was going to, but Harry was already there and . . ." the Flash trailed off, not wanting to bring the subject up around Batman.
"You accepted his assistance?" Batman growled.
"He's actually a really nice guy once you get to know him. He's got this spell that made the flames cold and stopped them from doing any damage and another one that made a bubble of air around my head so the smoke wouldn't bother me, the mayor gave him the keys to the city," the Flash said quickly.
"How could you . . ." Batman began.
"You know what your name is slang for these days?" The Flash cut him off.
"I . . ."
"Submissive male interested in homosexual bondage," Hawkgirl answered automatically causing several in the league to shoot her a wary look.
"What?" Batman's voice was flat. One of the other heroes handed him the personals section from the Daily Planet with one ad circled with black ink. "SWBBM looking for multiple partners."
"Single white bisexual Batman," Hawkgirl translated the acronym.
"Like I said before," the Flash began. "There is no way in hell I'm getting on his bad side. Especially not after seeing such a graphic example of what he does to his enemies."
Harry's in Gotham again and decides to stop at a certain ex-con's club:
"Sweet hooks," Harry complimented the insane clown. "Sorry about the whole chopping off your hands thing, by the way. But I wouldn't have been able to make the 'unhanded him' joke if I hadn't done it."
"Which as good a reason to do it as any," the Joker agreed. "Aren't you going to ask me how I got the eyepatch?"
"How'd you get the eyepatch?" Harry played along.
"I looked up, and a seagull pooped in my eye," the Joker said.
"What's that have to do with the eyepatch?" Harry set the joke up.
"Well, you have to understand. It was the first day I had the hooks," the Joker replied.
Harry lost it and the room filled with a deep bellowing laughter. "That's too much."
"Ever had a really bad day?" Harry asked. "The kind of day that sets the tone for the rest of your life?"
The assorted villains all nodded in agreement, they'd each had exactly that sort of day.
"Then you understand. Everyone has their mental kinks, I don't like it when people threaten kids." It tended to make him a bit homicidal.
"So you don't care if we threaten adults?"
"Depends on the adults," Harry replied.
"That why you travel the country beating and robbing street gangs?"
"With the occasional murder thrown in," the Joker added.
"Nah, I do that so I can pay for food and a roof over my head. It's called living off the land, what I do is no different from what our ancestors did on the veldt."
Omake by me
The Flash walked into the conference room looking like he'd been sexually assaulted by a ghost. Pale, shivering, and terrified that it might happen again.
"What happened to you?"
"What'd he do to you?"
"Damn it, what's wrong?"
"Do anything you have to, to keep that smile on his face," Flash replied. Reaching for a cup of coffee with a trembling hand. "Anything."
"He gets scary when he's angry," the fastest man alive said. "Very scary and very dangerous."
"So . . ."
"Just don't make him angry," the Flash said firmly. "You wouldn't like him when he's angry."
Omake by Stick97
Mrs. Kent sat drinking her tea, trying to calm down. After her last discussion with her wayward son, she had been prepared to unlock the liquor cabinet.
It seemed the lack of a positive male role model had a more negative effect than she thought on poor Clark. He had always been a little...rambunctious.
But it seemed like that older Luthor boy had been a much worse influence than she thought. She had been concerned Clark would be overly swayed by the flashy clothes, fancy cars, and oodles of money. Luckily, it seemed like the two had split apart before too much damage was done.
Or at least, so she thought.
She should have suspected something when he wore the costume she made for him inside out.
Unfortunately, Martha had been overcome with nostalgia, remembering how Clark had been simply horrible at dressing himself as a toddler.
She had assumed he merely got in a rush in all the excitement, and gotten a little mixed up.
The public had loved it, and it became quickly accepted.
Martha had been shamefully elated hearing all the old hens at the hairdresser talking about how good her little boy's tush looked in the costume. She expected a flock o grandbabies within a year or two at most.
She had been initially appalled at the idea of her son having more than one wife, but it seemed the more powerful a Kryptonian man, the more women would be drawn to him. The Kryptonian culture encouraged this, and if the disaster hadn't occurred on Clark's homeworld, he would have had an army of siblings.
The memory crystal her husband had shown her was offensive at first, until he pointed out he was an Earthling and quite content with his very fine wife.
Then George had said the magic word.
She remembered noticing how Clark was always hanging out with those three girls in high school, and she had been elated.
Of course, all of her knitting had gone for naught. Lana had married Pete, Chloe had gotten married a year or so later. Her last hope had been Lois, and frankly, that girl seemed all too interested in Diana.
Now there was a woman who would have given her some fine grandbabies. The fact she could fly, and move at superspeed were a definite plus as well.
Most parents referred to their children as destructive little tornadoes.
With Clark, it was an understatement!
She had been deathly afraid Child Services would take Clark away from them after the barn incident.
Explaining how a two year old got up on the roof of the barn to the Smallvile Fire Department proved Clark wasn't the only one in the family who could spin a yarn.
Martha dejectedly sighed once more over her tea.
It had been so thoughtful of Harry to send her some "proper British tea and biscuits". She has to admit, it didn't keep her up all night, and was quite soothing.
Such a shame the boy had such a difficult life. She knew just how hard being an orphan could be on a young man.
Martha took another sip of her tea, while eating one of the delightful biscuits.
Harry was such a delightful young man, well mannered, resourceful, caring, and considerate. Kara would do well to have a young man like that around instead of all those reprobates Clark worked with nosing about her.
She had warned Kara that her scandalously short skirt would lead the wrong type of men to be interested in her.
When Kara replied, "At least my underwear is under the costume!", she had been effectively shut down.
Just then, she heard the thump on the back porch, and crash of the screen door as Kara got home from work.
Such a slip of a girl, yet she sounded like a herd of elephants when she came in!
Kara came in, and sat down with a huff.
"What's wrong dear?" asked Martha.
"Oh, I just had to spend all night listening to Zatanna talk about the 'hunky young man she met with gorgeous green eyes, and such a sexy smile!' while I was on monitor duty!" grumped Kara as she made air quotes with her hands in frustration.
Kara growled out in frustration, crossing her arms, and slouching petulantly down in hr chair.
"Stop slouching dear, it's bad for your posture. Here try some tea, and one of these biscuits." soothed Martha, as she poured Kara a cup of hot tea.
Martha marveled at the fact that the charm Harry had put on her tea set kept everything at the perfect temperature, even after sitting all this time. Clark had ruined more than one set, trying to use his heat
vision, and freezing breath to control the temperature for her.
"Ohhmmmygawff! ese arr 'mazing!" moaned Kara, spraying crumbs all over the table.
"Kara Zor-El! You close your mouth, and chew like a young lady!" admonished Martha. 'Able to stop a speeding bullet, but can't learn manners to save her life!' thought Martha, shaking her head.
"Thorry Ma!" said a blushing Kara. "But these are sooooo good! I just don't get why you called these yummy cookies, biscuits instead of y'know cookies?"
"Because, dear. Harry made them, and sent them along with this tea as a thank you for when he visited. Quite the gentleman!" replied Martha with a smile.
"Ma! You know he is a criminal! What if he poisoned the tea or is putting Mind Control stuff in the cookies!" gasped Kara.
"Well, I'd say you are in quite a bit of trouble, seeing as how you ate half the platter of cookies, aren't you?" asked Martha with a smile. "Besides, that was all just a misunderstanding. Harry is a good boy!"
"I can't help it, they taste so good! Besides, Diana brought the snacks tonight and she cooks worse than me!" complained Kara. She sighed again. "Why is it all the good men are either taken, possessed, supervillains, insane, half machine, or well..." trailed off Kara with a blush, looking over her shoulder at the framed picture of her cousin Clark.
Martha looked at Kara for a moment, and smiled.
"Kara, would you be a dear and do me a favor. I just baked a pie, and Harry so loved my pie the last time he was here. Would you take this to him?"
Martha laughed to herself, Harry may not be as strong as Clark, but he was still quite handy, and he was cute.
Martha always had been a sucker for strays.
She would have grand babies, dammit!
which led to this:
Harry was sitting down for the now regular Sunday dinner with Ma Kent and Kara.
"This Beef Bourguignon is fabulous Ma Kent! It's like heaven melts in your mouth with each bite!" raved Harry, spooning an additional helping on to his plate. "Are you sure everyone has enough? I don't
want to make a pig of myself."
"No, it's fine dear, I made plenty. Besides, we wouldn't want any leftovers!" said Martha with a smile.
The whole house seemed to shake on it's very foundations, as dust came floating down from the ceiling.
Harry leapt to his feet, drawing his wand as he scanned for threats. "Was that an earthquake or an explosion or something? Maybe we need to get you down to the shelter Mrs. Kent" said a worried Harry.
Kara merely snorted, before rolling her eyes.
"No worries dear, just someone throwing a bit of a tantrum upstairs. WHO'S GOING TO BE STAYING UPSTAIRS UNTIL HE CAN LEARN TO MIND HIS MANNERS AND THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS, LIKE HIS MOTHER RAISED HIM TO!" shouted Martha, before serving Harry the last portion of the main course. She stopped for a moment, and tilted her head to the side.
"DON'T THINK I CAN'T HEAR YOU MUTTERING UNDER YOUR BREATH UP THERE YOUNG MAN! YOU'RE NOT SO OLD I WON'T WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP!" yelled Martha.
Kara covered her mouth and giggled, before leaning over to whisper in Harry's ear, "Super hearing has nothing on Mom-hearing".
Harry merely smiled before asking the superheroine, "I'm surprised you didn't change out of your uniform into something more comfortable since you are off duty?"
Kara smiled, just as Martha interjected, "Oh, she is on call, so it's easier to just be prepared"
Harry was about to reply when the hairs on his neck suddenly stood on end.
Harry felt the magic in the room seem to twist and fold in on itself, as a loud BOOM shook the room.
Suddenly a large portal formed in the center of the room. Out of the portal stepped a rather fat woman in some sort of bizarre body armor/fetish gear. She was dragging a skinny young red headed boy
"GRANNY GOODNESS IS HERE TO ADD TO HER ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY! COME ALONG NOW SUPERGIRL, IT'S TIME YOU CAME BACK TO BE WITH MY LITTLE BOY!" screeched the old harridan as she reached for a pale Kara.
Harry quickly cast a shield spell before inserting himself between Kara and the oddly familiar crazy lady. "Sorry, miss, we just sat down for dinner, you'll have to come back some other time" said Harry,
in a calm tone.
"OOOH! AREN'T YOU ARE A STRONG ONE? I THINK I'LL BREED YOU WITH MY GINPIG HERE!" shouted the insane lady.
Harry raised an eyebrow.
"Silencio! Don't you know it's rude to shout all the time? Waitasec. Did you say, GinPig?" said a paling Harry.
The boy next to the insane lady looked up upon hearing their name.
Harry gasped in shock. The boy was actually a skinnier version of Ginny Weasley!
Harry looked over his shoulder at Martha Kent, and towards a shivering Kara, in her skintight costume, and amazingly short flared skirt.
He turned back around to realize he was looking at this universe's version of Molly Weasley and her daughter.
With a shiver, he cast a banishing charm, knocking them both back into their portal. It promptly disappeared, and Harry sagged into a nearby chair.
"Ok, first, someone explain what the hell just happened," said a jittery Harry.
"Scratch that, first I am putting up some wards to prevent those two from coming back. Then I want a bottle of whiskey and some explanations."
Not the Author's Note: Polish provided by dogbertcarroll
Omake by meteoricshipyards
Harry stopped causes his two companions to almost stumble. He tightened his hold around their waists until they were stable, and then removed his right hand from the blond girl next to him to get access to his wand.
She looked at him disappointed. "What's the matter, Harry?" Kara asked.
Harry had let go of Zatanna, too, and was trying to look all directions at once while holding his wand at ready.
"I'm not sure. There's some sort of magic buildup. . ."
At that point the buildup reached a critical level and a hole appeared in the universe with a sound not unlike the seat of a pair of trousers giving way. The two superheroes with Harry detected a oppressive feeling of embarrassment.
"I think it worked, Hermione," Ron's voice came out of the multidimensional blackness.
"Told you," Hermione's voice followed.
"HARRY!" Hermione yelled.
"Hey mate!" Ron exclaimed. "Are we glad this worked. Dumbledore kept going on and on about how much danger you could be in. . ."
Harry looked at Kara and Zatanna. "Well, I'm with two of the most dangerous women in the world."
"Oh my God, Harry! Hang on, we'll come rescue you."
"That's alright, I don't need rescuing."
"It's alright mate, don't worry! We'll take care of it."
"No, you don't understand. I'm not in danger."
"True," Kara said. "We're not at your hotel room yet."
"This is more serious than I imagined," the voice of Albus Dumbledore floated through the hyper-rip. "He has fallen to the temptation of the dark side."
"Harry!" Kara exclaimed, "you didn't tell us you colored your hair."
"I don't! This is my real hair colour!"
"See, whoever you are," the blond alien woman shouted at the Rift. "He's always
had dark hair, so leave him alone. It looks good on him."
"I'm not talking about his hair! I'm talking about dark magic and moral choices!"
"I haven't used any dark magic," Harry said.
"Except that Nox spell so neither of us had to get up and put out the light," Zatanna added.
"Nox isn't dark," Ron said.
"No, it's too perilous to leave him there," Dumbledor didn't appear to be talking to the Harry. "We must bring him home for the Greater Good."
"I think my greater good says I need to stay here, so goodbye everyone! Finite!"
The non-euclidian hole closed in a non-euclidian way, with a hyper-harmonic clang and an accompanying feeling of verigo.
"What was that all about, Harry?" Kara asked.
"Just some people I used to know. Hopefully, there will be no more interruptions, 'cause I've still got three, front row tickets to the concert."
"YES!" the girls yelled.
"Yeah, but without Rick Wakeman," Harry mumbled as they went off to enjoy their future.
Some ideas stolen from Monty Python.
Not the Author's Note: Polish provided by dogbertcarroll
Omake by Jim Compton
Will they also have to Mirandize the bad guys?
I can just see the league standing there with a big pile of bad guys and looking around, "Okay. Who has the card we have to read to these yahoos? Flash, would you mind going back and getting the card? I don't want any of these getting off on a technicality... AGAIN! Last time, Two Face was caught dead to rights, and they had to let him go because Worm-man over there didn't read it off the card!"
The Dark Worm growled at Pervman... er, Superman until Wonder Woman yanked hard on his leash.
Not the Author's Note: Polish provided by dogbertcarroll
Mini Omake: Harry's response to the caped crew taking umbrage to his more permanent way of dealing things by dogbertcarroll
"I call it self defense. You may be powerful enough to survive these nutbars trying to kill you, but I'm not. So rather than risk my life in a futile effort to take him alive, so he can escape and kill others, I just
defended my self, something I am capable and legally entitled to do."
Disclaimer: This also goes with 'Sands of Time'
Omake by me: He is the one called Harry Potter
Harry's mouth tasted like the color yellow and his eyes felt like they were filled with sand. Tackling Voldemort hadn't been one of his better ideas, Harry reflected to himself.
"Should have just used a banishing charm or something," Harry muttered to himself. Or anything else that didn't involve going through the veil with his nemesis, really not one of his better ideas.
Harry was torn from his musings by the arrival of several scantily clad cheerleaders chattering in some foreign language. This held his attention for a few seconds before he decided to go off in search of someone that could help him contact one of his friends, or at the very least someone who spoke English.
A frown appeared on Harry's face when one of the cheerleaders thew a bolt of lightning in his general direction. Granted it missed and caused untold thousands in property damage, but it was the principle of the thing.
"That's the way you wanna play it, huh?" Harry growled. "Okay, we can play. Petrificus Totalus, Petrificus Totalus, Petrificus Totalus. Stupid cheerleaders," he said to his defeated foes. Who knew they'd take him ignoring their performance so badly? Perhaps Vernon was right when he said that artistic types were flighty and should all be locked up? The horrifying concept that Vernon could be right about anything nearly caused Harry to vomit and he stumbled away clutching his stomach.
At the gates of time, Pluto dropped to the ground clutching her head as unimaginable pain wracked her body. She screamed and screamed until her throat was raw and sore, course on Pluto there was no one to hear her scream.
Usagi was the first of the Pretty Sailor Scouts to regain the ability to move shortly followed by Jupiter. In the time she'd been frozen, she'd had ample time to go over the battle to figure out what had gone wrong.
They'd arrived in the park to find the newest Dark General standing in the middle of a charred section of grass. She had then launched her speech about how parks were places to relax, the general had gotten bored and begun to wander off. Jupiter had then flung an attack at him and then the General had defeated all of them with some sort of odd magical attack. To be quite frank, she was mystified by their defeat as it appeared that they'd done everything right on their end. The only thing she could think to attribute their defeat to was the fact that the Dark General hadn't been polite enough to listen to their speech. A chill went down the girl's back as she considered the idea that future enemies might not wait politely until she had finished their introductory speeches, heaven help them all if that happened.
"We need to have a meeting to talk about what happened," Usagi said to her friends.
Pluto gasped for breath as she tried to figure out what had happened. Was it an attack of some sort? A side effect of having lived so long. The oldest active Sailor Scout automatically reached out for a bottle of aspirin, freezing in mid gesture. There was no pain, she thought in wonder, her headache was gone. The headache that she'd suffered for thousands of years was gone. That could only mean . . .
Pluto rushed to the time gates to confirm her suspicion. Crystal Tokyo was no more, it had ceased to be and there was no way to force the time line back. With no way of resurrecting the remnants of the Moon Kingdom, the Queen's geas had shattered. She was free, for the first time in thousands of years, perhaps ever, the Senshi of Pluto was free.
Pluto wept as she contemplated what she'd done, the crimes she'd been forced to commit, the innocent lives destroyed, the knowledge lost, just so a spoiled little girl could have her castle. Setsuna stopped just short of declaring eternal gratitude to her savior. She'd just been freed of her bonds and was less then eager to find a new set, still . . . it couldn't hurt to find out a bit of information, could it?
Ami looked around the group, no one was willing to vocalize what they were all thinking. She took a deep breath and let it out, why did it always have to fall to her?
"I think we made a mistake," she said softly. Every eye turned to regard the smartest Senshi.
"What do you mean, Ami?" Makoto demanded.
"Yeah," Usagi whined. She was still more then a bit annoyed at the way he'd ignored her speech.
"I think . . . I think that the boy in the park wasn't a Dark General," Ami said reluctantly. "Maybe he was here to help us?"
"There was a cute boy and you guys drove him away?" Minako waled.
"Ami didn't say he was cute," Rei pointed out.
"But he was, wasn't he?" Minako persisted.
"He had gorgeous eyes," Ami said with a blush.
"He looked just like . . ." Mokoto began.
"Your old sempai right?"
"No, better then my old sempai. He looked just like a movie star." Makoto's eyes glazed as she lost herself in fantasy.
The girls shared a collective sigh.
"And he was also speaking English so he might not have understood what we were saying," Ami continued. "And he seemed . . . uh . . . annoyed when we attacked him. With the casual way he defeated us added to the fact that his attack didn't do any damage, well . . ."
"You chased off a cute foreign boy," Minako sobbed, "now I'll never get a boyfriend."
Pluto frowned in confusion. It was if the boy, her savior, had no past. Resolving to settle the issue later, she decided to check the future, or rather the most likely possible future.
The gates displayed a powerful looking man sitting on a large throne. Reclining at his feet with her head rested on his leg was . . . her. Setsuna licked her lips unconsciously as the view widened to reveal the rest of the senshi laying around the room in various states of undress.
Setsuna gasped when the man suddenly raised his head to stare back at her with a set of the greenest eyes. They maintained eye contact for a few moments until the image shattered.
She needed to think on what she'd seen, well after she changed her panties anyway. She shivered in pleasure, that was one future she couldn't wait to experience.
Harry was lucky in that one of the things he'd looted, er . . . liberated from the Ministry had been a large case of survival supplies for the muggle world. Buried underneath a stone knife and a pair of jodhpurs had been a packet of pills, each able to impart proficiency in a skill or language. Happily gulping the Japanese language skill, he did a bit more digging and was lucky enough to find a small stack of the local currency.
"Excuse me," he called out to one of the locals.
"What can I do for you?" the man asked.
"Do you happen to know where I might find something to eat?" Harry asked hopefully.
"Of course," he agreed. "That shop there sells ramen, the one next to it sells gyudon, the one across the street sells oknonomiyaki, and if all else fails you can eat at a convenience store such as the one on that corner there or that corner there or across the street."
"Happy to be of service," the man replied.
Mamoru was on his way to a meeting when he found himself surrounded by several dozen large police officers.
"That's him!" one of the detectives shouted.
"Get the sick bastard!" another agreed.
The senshi watched in helpless shock as half a dozen police officers beat Mamoru into a bloody pulp.
"I'm innocent!" Mamoru screamed as the police dragged him away. "You've got to believe me!"
"What's going on?" Usagi whimpered.
"He's being arrested for possession of child pornography, production of child pornography, sale of child pornography, chicken sodomy, and tax evasion," Setsuna replied. She absolutely did not smirk when Usagi screamed in shock and seemed to levitate off the ground. "Shame I couldn't prevent it, but I didn't have enough warning. The time stream works in mysterious ways."
"You've got the wrong guy!" Mamoru shrieked as the police car drove off. The girls listened to his fading pleas of innocence for a few moments before turning back to the oldest senshi.
"I guess I should have seen this coming," Setsuna murmured thoughtfully. She was the one that phoned in the tip after all. Shame all the evidence she'd cooked up to frame him hadn't been needed.
"What do you mean?" Ami asked.
"Well, he did have an unhealthy interest in young boys back in the past. Avoiding scandal is one of the reasons his parents sent him to the moon to be engaged to Usagi."
"You mean it wasn't love at first sight?" Usagi whimpered.
"Heavens no, people in your station rarely got to marry for love. Matters of state always take precedence," Setsuna explained.
Mamoru shivered in fear as he was thrown naked into his cell. He was sure it was all a mistake and he'd be out and on his way in no time.
"I'm Dr. Rockso the Rock and Roll Clown!" a strange voice called out from one of the other cells. "I do cocaine!"
Someone would be here in no time to get him out, he told himself, he wouldn't be here for long and this would all turn into an amusing story to tell later.
AN: Really not into this idea, really not impressed by how it came out either. Assuming I did write it, I'm fairly sure I'd end it with everyone showing up to stage the vision Setsuna had of the future so she thinks there'd be a harem ending and then have the girls all leave with their significant others.
Typos by: ubereng