Disclaimer: Puns are the lowest form of humor.

A Siriusly Late Post

Part IV of the Siriusly Senior Storyline. Odd Ideas #161, 164, 170.

"Hey, Lils, you got a moment?" Sirius asked. "Well, assuming you're not my cousin in disguise."

"What do you want?" the girl in question demanded.

"So you are my cousin?"

Lily closed her eyes and counted to ten. 'It's not his fault,' she told herself, 'wizards are naturally stupid and being a pureblood just magnifies that.'

"Well?" Sirius prompted. "Cause if you are, I have a hot tip on a horse race and a Hufflepuff with too much money in their savings account."

"I am not," Lily said through gritted teeth. "And you really really shouldn't use your family members as wagers."

"Not even sure things?"

"No!"

"Oh." Sirius scratched his chin. "Really wish someone had told me that before I went and lost Bella."

"You what?" Narcissa had told everyone in the dorm why she was hiding, Lily hadn't believed it. After all, what kind of civilized society would allow anyone to buy and sell people?

"To your friend Severus," Sirius continued. "I suppose I could go get her back but they look so happy together."

"Wait? What?" The girl' s brain reset. She knew that there had to be a mistake, her friend would never be involved in something so horrid. "Severus?"

"I lost a game of exploding snap with Severus, setting him up with Bella is what we wagered on," Sirius explained. "He was willing to go so far as to bet that against seven years of tutoring to help me get and keep the second place in potions." Sirius glanced around. "Which would have been a lot of time since I'm absolutely horrid at potions."

"So you didn't bet your cousin, you bet setting him up with your cousin," Lily said slowly. Which put a whole new spin on things.

"I guess."

"That's okay," the girl decided. "So long as your cousin is okay with this."

"She adores him," Sirius agreed. "Which is what I wanted to speak with you about."

"What?" she asked, instantly suspicious of the least trustworthy boy in the school.

"Bella may not look it, but-" he glanced around to make sure no one was paying attention.

"But?" Lily prompted.

"I don't think she's nearly as confident as she likes to show herself to be," Sirius whispered. "I'm afraid that she might see you as competition for Severus and start to worry that you'll take him away from her."

"Sev's just a friend," Lily giggled at the thought of dating the boy. "Best friend, yes. Potential boyfriend, no."

"Would you mind telling her that?" Sirius asked hopefully. "Best time would likely to be when she's with your friend Sev."

"Why when she's with Sev?" Lily demanded, flipping back to suspicious.

"In addition to lacking confidence, Bella's a bit of a-" he glanced around. "-crazy bitch."

"Language!" the girl scolded.

"So she's likely to hex you out of jealously if she catches you alone," Sirius continued. "Sev's safe, She tried a curse on him and he dispelled it which is one of the reasons she adores him so much."

"She cursed Sev?" Lily's eyes narrowed.

"Kinda. I told her he was one of the best in the school at dark magic and she wanted to see if he was telling the truth. He was."

"Oh." Lily wasn't sure how to take that one.

"I wouldn't have made the boast if it wasn't true," Sirius hastened to add. "It was the quickest way to get her to overlook the fact that he's both a firsty and a half blood. Trust me, it won't happen again. He's proved himself and no one will dare try it after seeing what Bella did to the Lestranges."

"What did they do to Sev?" Lily growled.

"Tried to hex him for daring to sully a pureblood maiden with his." Sirius held up a hand. "Their words not mine you understand."

"Yes," she prompted through clenched teeth.

"Filthy blood and muggle loving ways," Sirius finished. "Bella put them both in the hospital wing and then was waiting for them when they got out to put them back in and is currently waiting for them to heal well enough to put them back in again. She takes a very dim view of anyone picking on her." He choked down a laugh. "Sevvybuggins."

"Oh." Lily grinned, glad her friend had found someone that ignored the silly blood issue. "Don't worry, I'll be sure she knows that Sev's just my best friend in the castle."

"Good. Please don't tell anyone about Bella's confidence problems," Sirius begged. "Family already knows and no one else has to."

"My lips are sealed," Lily promised. "You have my word."

The girl waited a couple heartbeats.

"Which boy in Hufflepuff?" she asked curiously.

Sirius looked around. "Can you keep a secret?"

"Yes." Lily leaned in eagerly.

"So can I," the boy finished. "I'm gonna wait till after Cissy comes out of her shell a bit before I try to set them up."

"Okay," Lily agreed reluctantly. "What about your other cousin? The prefect."

"She isn't as shy as Bella, but she's so intimidating that most of the boys in school are afraid of her." Sirius frowned. "Not to mention the fact that she's a Black and my family has a bit of a reputation."

"So you found a boy that wasn't intimidated by her?"

"Loyal, kind, and hardworking. That's what boyfriends are made of." Sirius nodded. "It's my duty as heir to look after my family."

"Oh."

"Speaking of which," Sirius grinned wide.

"Yes?" The girl asked warily.

"While not technically in the same family, James Potter is my cousin. Well, along with just about every other pureblood in school," he added thoughtfully.

"He's also an absolute git," the girl growled.

"He is," Sirius agreed seriously. "Think you could give him a chance if I could turn him into a decent human being? All I ask is that you make me your first child's godfather if things work out."

"Can a godfather use his godchild as collateral in a bet?"

"I'd have to check the rules but." Lily's eyes narrowed. "I'm fairly sure you can't and even if you could, I wouldn't so long as you named him Harry."

"How do you know it'll be a him?"

"How do you know he won't be a him?" Sirius countered. "I take it from the direction of this conversation that you agree with my little proposition?"

"Turn James Potter into a worthwhile human being and I'll consider it."

"YOU!" Both firsties turned to see the elder of Sirius' possible cousins in law.

"If you'll excuse me, I must be off," Sirius said politely. Turning on his heel, the boy got two steps into a run before staggering to an awkward stop when he saw his eldest cousin blocking the path. The wand in her hand and the smirk on her face made him seriously consider cursing his way past her boyfriend. The wand in her hand and the smirk on her face and the fact that he'd known her all his life convinced him of what a bad idea that would be.

"How are you doing it?!" Ted demanded.

"Doing what?" Sirius asked innocently, eyeing his cousin with much trepidation.

"The thing with my blood?"

"Stealing it or delivering it?" Sirius asked.

"YES!"

"The usual way," he replied.

"GAH!"

Deciding there was no sense talking to a man with no sense, Sirius turned to his cousin. "I'll have enough saved so you won't even get probation after you decide to dispose of him after the payment from my last delivery arrives. I'm hoping to get enough to get you an Order of Merlin for disposing of him by the end of the term and enough for the downpayment on your first house by the end of the year."

"Thank you, Sirius. Is the market saturated or is demand high enough that you could sell more without taking too much of a hit on the price?"

"I could maybe get a good start on your first house by the end of the term if I drained him to the point he'd start noticing." The boy nodded to himself. "Even after subtracting the cost of the blood replenishing potions I'd have to give him which-" his eyes lit up "-I could probably get for cheap if I used Bella's beau to brew them! That'd let me get a better start on Bella's dowry too!"

"Wonderful. Thank you for looking after me, Sirius," Andromeda said, her smirk transforming into a grin.

"It's the duty of the future head to look after his family," the boy replied modestly.

"Hmwa?" Ted was thinking he really should have listened to his housemates when they cautioned him against romancing a pureblood, especially that pureblood. Damn her extreme sexiness, it'd been a trap all along.

Lily wasn't doing too much better. "No selling my blood!"

"Of course not, it's the man's responsibility to make sure his wife to be has a large dowry, a big enough bribe to keep her out of Azkaban if she decides to do away with him, and a roof over her head. I'd never dream of making any girl, even a muggle born, do any of that sort of thing." The boy puffed out his chest. "Incidentally, do you happen to know if it's true that livers will regenerate if you only take a small amount of one?"

"Why?"

"I'm asking for a friend," Sirius said innocently. "He's got a girl he likes and I heard that hags will pay top dollar for child liver."

AN: I finished this chapter a while ago and forgot to post it. Oops.

Typos by Luan Mao, dark_king98