Disclaimer: Been sick lately, you have been warned.
A Few Omake for You
Omake: The Breakup
"Hey Harry," Hermione said nervously.
"Have a seat mate," Ron said, patting the space next to him on the couch. "I . . . we have something we need to discuss with you."
"Ron and I have agreed that it would be best if we . . ."
"We're breaking up," Ron interrupted. "Sorry Hermione."
"No . . . it's ok, one of us had to say it," she sighed. "We're still going to be friends, we're just not going to date anymore."
"Ah . . . ok," Harry said, shrugging. He hadn't known that his two friends had tried dating. "Anything else you two wanted to talk about?"
Hermione and Ron shared a worried look, they'd hoped it wouldn't be this bad.
"Uh . . . you sure you're ok with this mate?" Ron asked, a worried look on his face.
"Sure . . . why?"
"Um . . . now we wouldn't dream of deciding anything as important as this without your input," Hermione began. "But we were thinking that you'd stay with me and meet with Ron thursday nights and every other weekend."
"And that we'd share Quidditch games," Ron agreed. "That ok with you mate?"
"So I'll be staying in the girl's dormitory then?" Harry asked.
"Yes," Hermione agreed. "You might have to share a bed with someone until we get you your own, Lav has volunteered hers but . . ."
"That's fine," Harry said quickly. "You don't have to get me my own bed."
"I'm glad you're handling this so maturely Harry," Hermione said with a tear in her eye. "I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you."
It was all Harry could do to keep himself from laughing. In other circumstances, he'd be a bit annoyed at the way his friends were treating him with kid gloves. But here . . . here, he was more amused then anything."
"Harry," Lavender walked up and sat next to him on the couch. "I know this must be very hard on you, is there anything I can do to help?"
"Help make me less hard?" Harry asked with a grin.
"If you like."
"I can think of a few things," Harry mused. "Why don't you show me your bed and we'll see if they're physically possible?"
"I was hoping you'd say that," Lavender purred.
Addition by Deric
"Okay, Hermione, spill," Harry stated to the nude teen he was spooning after a rough (yeah, right) evening of servicing the sixteen year old Gryffindor fifth years. "How did you get this past
"It wasn't all that difficult. Honestly!" Hermione giggled. "I couched everything in terms of a muggle divorce and child custody agreements. It's not my fault the Muggle Studies professor didn't know the
difference between a divorce and a romantic break up."
"And now you have your very own boytoy that you can pass around to your girlfriends?" Harry snapped.
"Oh, nonononono," Hermione flipped around to look directly into Harry's eyes. "Don't you ever think that.
"I know you don't like all the fame and fangirls and all the other things that come with that type of scrutiny. But there was no way to get you by yourself, without all the other boys or girls getting in
the way. I figured if you and I didn't work out together, at least you could find out if there was somebody else you could get together with out of the public eye, as it were."
Five days later...
"How are you holding up, Harry?" Ron asked.
"During the day, it's not so hard. At night, though, it gets really hard," Harry replied, trying not to burst out laughing at the clueless redhead. "All the girls do their best to make it less hard, but as soon as it works, it just gets harder again," the double entendre flying over the head of the Weasley boy. "All the sixth years and above have tried to help, too."
"Well, as long as you're getting help. It just wasn't right for me and Hermione to be dating without letting you know about it."
"Hermione . . . is that you?" Harry's nervous voice sounded tinny through the phone.
"Harry . . . Harry what is it?" Hermione demanded. "Are you ok?"
"You know how your dad wanted to go out drinking with me yesterday?"
"He found you?" Hermione asked in shock. "Wards that keep wizards out and my dad goes right through them."
"Yeah . . . um, he said he looked up the Dursleys and found me after the third try."
"Something wizards would have never thought of," Hermione laughed. "So you went out with my dad then? Where'd you go?"
"Some local pub," Harry replied. "Your dad knew the Publican so . . ."
"You went to uncle Terry's place?" Hermione interrupted.
"Uh . . ."
"Welsh Dragon and a British Lion on the sign?" She clairafied.
"Sounds like the place."
"Oh . . . so did you try the house brew?"
"Just a bit," Harry admitted. "But . . . uh . . . while we were drinking, your father . . . sort of . . . offered to sell you to me."
"He's still doing that," Hermione giggled.
"So I told him I had about two quid and he took my offer . . ."
"Wish I'd been there to see that, not many people play along."
"And Gringotts sent me a letter asking if I wanted to store you in my vault," Harry said in a rush. "It's five Galleons a month for the basic plan, a one time fee of ten if I want to keep you in stasis, and the price goes up if I want to keep you in style."
"Oh you'd better keep me in style Harry Potter," Hermione said sternly. "Harry . . . Harry you were joking weren't you?"
AN: Could be a joke that Harry set up with Hermione's dad, could be something else.
Addition by Fenris
Hermione stared at the open box, her expression frozen as Harry grew increasingly nervous. "And what, exactly, is this supposed to be?" she gritted at last through clenched teeth.
"Um, your collar?" Harry replied hesitantly. As Hermione's expression grew even more forbidding he hastily continued, "According to Grugtlank, if I don't want to keep you, um, 'en hareem' I think he
called it...well, anyway, you need to wear that to show that you're the, uh, property of the Ancient and Noble House of Potter; that'll keep any Purebloods from bothering you and risking being sanctioned by the Wizengamot." He tried a small smile, which faded quickly in the face of her continuing bad temper.
"And what else does it do, if I may be permitted to ask?" she said stonily, huffing when Harry looked at her blankly. "I can feel the magic on this, Harry, and it's much more than a simple identifying charm. So what else does it do?"
Harry tried looking anywhere but at Hermione's face, finally settling for looking at his feet while he blushed furiously. "According to the Goblins, as my concubine you're only allowed to perform...certain
activities with me." He glanced up quickly to gauge her reaction before continuing, "The collar ensures that you can't break those rules, and that anyone who tries to force you to won't survive the attempt."
"Harry James Potter," Hermione growled, her voice rising with each word, "do you mean to tell me that you want me to wear A CHASTITY BELT!?!"
Addition by luinlothana
"Joke you say? Well, that's the thing. To be honest, Hermione, we stopped joking around the time we got the letter from Gringotts. You see, neither of us suspected goblins to be the type to play along. Especially going such lengths to do so."
"Harry." she managed in warning tone
"So of course we went to them to clarify the situation. And apparently according to goblins we entered magically binding contract. Your father tried to argue that for a contract to be valid there has to be
not only contractual capacity but also intent to be bound by the contract but well... you know how far behind magical world is legal-wise..."
"Are you telling me that just because you played along..."
"Basically. I didn't catch all the details but from what I understood when a wizard is contracting with Muggle intent of the parties is not taken into account. It has something to do with an old law that was
supposed to enable magical merchants to use compulsion charms to sell..."
"I don't care!" Hermione cut in interrupting a historical anecdote, proving her distress "I'm not some goods you can buy or sell. I'm a person!"
"Well apparently since you are Muggleborn..."
"Don't finish the sentence... Just don't."
"Whatever you say Hermione. But it seems there is nothing we can do."
"There must be something. Just let me do some research."
Twelve hours later Hermione closed a book on magical law with a triumphant grin. She did it!
She ran downstairs where the two men responsible for the whole mass sat
"I've found it! I really found it!"
"You did?" Harry asked in somewhat relieved voice
"Uh huh. You see, normally in case of such contracts my agreement isn't needed. But since you are, in fact a Halfblood you'd either need to have my agreement of follow a previous agreement of a pureblood head of your family. I think it's safe to assume that such contract never took place."
[a few more than a few years earlier
"Give me another one." a man with unruly black hair called in a pub.
"Not in too much rush to go back home, are you?" he heard a voice next to him
"What can I say, I'm celebrating."
"Oh, are you?"
"Sure. My son's first tooth. Of course the fact that being here I left it to my wife to explain him that this is, in fact occasion for celebration and not for crying."
"Sounds reasonable to me. I'm Dan by the way."
"Pleased to meet you. Say, James, you say your son is going through toothing. That means he's just a bit younger than my daughter."
"Really? Maybe we should decide it's fate and agree on betrothal contract."
"Oh, as long as your son pays me she's his."
The men laughed until a third person hasn't entered the picture. A dark haired, blue eyed man shook James to get his attention.
"Paddy? What is it?"
"Oh, nothing. It's just that Lily is out for blood and said that if you don't get your sorry lower part of the back home within five minutes you're going to sleep on a couch for so long that you're going to forget ever sleeping anywhere else."
"I guess I can't refuse her if she asks so nicely. I guess I need to get going. It was nice to meet you, Dan." with that the two black haired men left the pub.
A moment later a few people close to the door could swear they heard two very mysterious popping sounds outside.
Addition by Erik
There was a commotion in the background. "Uh Hermione I'll have to call you back later" Harry said with a tone of profound relief in his voice.
"What? Harry, what's going on?" Hermione asked worriedly.
"Death Eaters are attacking. Bye." Harry hung up the phone quickly and went to deal with the smaller of the two problems facing him at the moment.
Addition by meteoricshipyards
Ron looked incredulous at Harry and the fuming Hermione.
"So, for about a galleon, if I had spoken to her father first and took him up on the joke. . . . Awww, bloody hell, Harry. You get everything."
Harry scrunched his eyes as Hermione made her feelings on the matter known.
Addition by dogbertcarroll
Mrs.Granger: So let me get this straight. You sold our daughter to her best friend, the one who's so shy and noble that he blushes when she hugs him and won't even touch her without an engraved invitation stating her acceptance of physical contact?
Mr.Granger: (Sweating) Errr, yes?
Mrs.Granger: Brilliant! I thought I was going to have to wait until I was fifty before I could get grandkids out of those two!
OMAKE: You GOTTA Love Luna
"Harry, may I ask for a favor before we go to the Ministry?" Luna asked.
"Gonna try to talk me out of going?" Harry growled.
"Hmmm?" Luna seemed more dazed then usual. "No, I'm quite willing to march off to my death into an obvious trap at your side . . . I just . . . well . . . I don't want to die a virgin and I was hoping that you could help me solve that little issue before we go. From what I've read about boys your age it won't take long, certainly not long enough to put us at a disadvantage."
"LUNA," Hermione screamed. Luna walked over and whispered something into the blushing girl's ear. "Uh . . . I'm next," Hermione stuttered.
One by one the other girls of the DA formed a line as they grasped the odd girl's plan. After all, the best way to avoid an ambush is to not be there in the first place.
Elsewhere, Sirius looked up as he felt a strange feeling in the back of his head. "Godfather senses . . . tingling . . . arg." He clutched his now throbbing head. "MY GODSON IS SOOOOO MANLY."
In another place still, the Dark Lord was starting to get impatient. "Damn it, where is that little brat." Voldemort muttered under his breath.
"Have you tried putting another image of Black being tortured in his head master?" Peter simpered.
"Yes," he hissed. "And I got a reply; 'not now, busy . . . Sirius would understand.' Hmmmm . . . CRUCIO."
Addition by Sergey Tsvetkov
An hour later...
"Lavender! Why are you here? You were bragging that you're not a virgin anymore since the start of the year!"
"Uh... You see... You know that you can lose your virginity more then one way?.."
"That's an idea!" Luna marched to the end of the line.
Harry started to wonder if the line was too long. "Nah... Sirius would tell me that such kind of a line cannot be too long."
Addition by fenriswolf001
One week later at 12 Grimauld Place:
"Potter, get that idiotic smile off your face and concentrate! Even an insufferable, incompetent glory-seeker like yourself should have learned that you will never learn Occlumency if you can't even focus
your thoughts. Now, clear your mind! LEGILIMENS!"
The screams echoing down the stairs attracted the attention of the current residents of the Order's Headquarters, leading to the crowd gathered outside Harry's door. Several failed attempts at unlocking
charms led to a Floo call for the Headmaster, who quickly arrived in a swirl of mauve robes decorated with dancing pink flamingos and sporting a souvenir 'Fire Island' baseball cap.
Dumbledore's fully-powered 'Alohamora' finally broke through the Potionmaster's 'colloportus', causing the door to swing inward on a scene that warmed the hearts of most of those peering around the
doorframe. On the floor writhed the head of Slytherin House, while perched comfortably on the edge of his bed sat Harry Potter, a self-satisfied smirk lighting up his face.
Professor Dumbledore hurried to the Potions professor's side, sinking to the floor with a creak of arthritic, lnobby knees and a flaring of lilac-scented robes. Grabbing the younger man's shoulders he rolled him on to his back and gave him a shake to get his attention.
"Severus! Talk to me! Whatever is the matter?"
Professor Snape managed to open his eyes to a squint before moaning and slamming them shut again. "Headmaster," he groaned, "Potter's mind...the images...so much pink flesh...OBLIVIATE ME!"
Addition by Sergey Tsvetkov
Several months later, Voldemort's lair...
"Hrr... P-potter... Yuo're good..." Voldemort croaked lying on the floor and properly bleeding from too many wounds. "When have you learnt how to fight? Who have taught you?"
"It's easy, Tom. But I doubt you could use it. You see, anyone can learn it very fast if it's necessary to defend oneself against fathers of several girls. And there are no better teachers than girls who don't want to see the father of their future children dead."
OMAKE: The Will
"If I can have your attention please," the Solicitor said loudly. "The reading is about to begin." He gave a slow look around the room. "I Sirius Orion Black being of sound mind and body would like to begin this will by making a confession, I am responsible for the near certain death of my godson. May god forgive me for I know Lily and James will not."
Everyone gasped in horror and several eyes turned to look at Harry.
"Harry dear," Molly cried as she did her best to squeeze the life out of the 'boy-who-was-about-to-die.'
"If I may continue," the Solicitor said loudly. "The story starts, as many do with the best of intentions. Harry, I know how much you hate your relatives and I know the trouble you've had with the Ministry so I resolved to solve both of those problems with a simple ritual. I made you my heir and to prevent my cousins from challenging this, I used a simple ritual to make you a member of the Black family. As my heir and my death, you are the Black. The problem is my parents, they didn't like how close James and I were in school and feared that we would do as they would, that is that we would follow pureblood traditions and join the families through a marriage. A Black male controlling the Potter family was nothing to worry about, their bigotry convinced them that blood would tell and that I was a sport . . . an anomaly and certainly not a true Black. They had hoped that it was all a phase I was going through and that I would eventually come out of it and return to the family. On the other hand, a Potter male in control of the Black family could not be tolerated, again their bigotry blinded them . . . they believed that blood would tell and the Black family would fall. It must have taken them years to figure out the spell work and I suspect that the amount of power that went in to it is what killed my parents, a wizard can not live long without their magic and the amount to make this curse work must have been astounding. Harry, all I can say is that I didn't know and that I had hoped to find a way to remove it before you came of age. I'd planed to solve it and then tell you after the danger had been averted, Dumbledore was always saying that you did not need the extra pressure and I reluctantly agreed with his sentiment . . . perhaps I was a fool but I did not wish to add to your troubles." The Solicitor looked up from the will. "It finishes with, I Sirius Black being of sound mind and body leave all of my worldly goods to my godson Harry Potter. I want you to spend it all on hookers and booze, enjoy the time you have left and forget this war, Voldemort will be defeated, there's no need for you to be part of it."
"What's the curse," Hermione demanded.
"Excuse me?" The Solicitor asked.
"What is the specifications of the curse?" Hermione growled.
"If a male of the Potter family should become Head of House Black, then he shall have no more then six months to live."
"And the escape clause?" Hermione persisted. "No curse that powerful can be cast without an escape clause," she growled. "What's the way out of this one?"
"Mr. Potter must have carnal relations with several women," the Solicitor said calmly.
"That shouldn't be . . ."
"Which must include the following," the Solicitor interrupted. "A daughter of the Weasley family . . ."
"Yes," Ginny cheered.
"Ahem, if I may continue?"
"Sorry," the grinning girl said smugly. "Go on."
"A girl who has seen a slockwart, a brilliant witch that is also a muggle born, a willing female of family Black, a metamorph, and no less then two heiresses of the great families. Impossible as you can see, while there is a daughter of the Weasley family . . . the first in several generations, it would not be possible to find any of the others. Slockwarts are mythical creatures so finding a girl who's seen one is . . ."
"I've seen one," Luna said serenely. "It had a glowing red nose."
"Will that work?" Hermione demanded.
"So long as she really believes it," the Solicitor agreed. "But it would be nearly impossible to find a muggle born witch that is also the top student at Hogwarts, not to say anything bad about them but very few overcome the handicap of coming to magic late. In fact, believe that last one to truly excel was Mr. Potter's mother Lily. Apparently the Blacks considered her a fluke and took it as given that it had and could never happen again."
"I have the top grades in my year," Hermione said in excitement. "And I'm muggle born, we might actually be able to do this."
"Be that as it may, a willing female of the Black family would be impossible, the only two that I am aware of are the Black sisters Narcissa and Bellatrix, knowing their positions I'm afraid . . ."
"I'm a Black," Tonks volunteered. "Mum got kicked out of the family but Sirius readmitted her . . . I'm also a metamorph so I guess that's two birds with one stone."
"Well . . . there is still one condition to meet. Two heiresses of the great families, I am sorry Mr. Potter but you may console yourself with the fact that your last few months will be happy."
"I'm the last of my line," Susan said firmly. "And I think Hanna has enough Hufflepuff spirit to help out here eh Hanna?"
"You know it Susan," the other girl agreed.
"I see," the Solicitor said in shock. "Congratulations Mr. Potter, you're going to live after all."
"Come on Harry," Hermione said firmly. "We need to find a hotel room and . . ."
"Stay there for no less then six months," the Solicitor interjected. "Casting the Constans Futuere charm on him every morning and each of you copulating with him no less then once a day, though it'd be safer to do it at least three times a day each in multiple positions. Knowing what I know of magic, I believe it would also be helpful to mix things up . . . I happen to have an assortment of sex manuals in my desk that I would be happy to lend you."
"Let's go girls," Ginny cheered. The group of girls grabbed Harry and marched out of the room . . . it didn't occur to anyone that Sirius had invited several people not named in his will for several weeks, and it took another two months to notice that the girls needed break the curse just happened to be present for the reading. No one thought much of it, when they put the two things together they just figured that Sirius had done what he'd had to, Harry's safety would always be a priority for the man . . . even in death.
Six months later, a somewhat pregnant Hermione answered the door to the beach side villa the group was staying in to find the Solicitor. "Yes?"
"I was instructed by Mr. Black to give you this letter on this day," he explained. "Good day."
"Thank you," Hermione said. "Now if you'll excuse me, we're in the middle of something."
"No problem," the Solicitor said with a grin. "Good day."
"Bye," Hermione said as she slammed the door. Walking past the pregnant Tonks, and stepping over the pregnant Luna. "Harry."
"You got a letter from Sirius . . . should I open it?"
"Ok, it says . . ." Hermione looked up with a shocked look on her face. "Harry, figured you could use some cheering up. Who loves you baby, hope you've had fun."
"There wasn't a curse," Hermione said dully.
"You didn't know?" Luna asked happily.
"You knew it was a trick?" Hermione screamed.
"Of course I did," Luna agreed. "Why else would things be so suspiciously convenient"? Besides, only an idiot would believe that something as silly as slockwarts exist."
"Why didn't you say anything?" Hermione growled.
"Because some Harry time is better then no Harry time," Luna explained. "None of you are the type to share under normal circumstances."
"Uh . . ." Tonks said with a blush.
"Except for Tonks and myself of course," Luna amended herself. "I'm next."
AN: If you had to cheer up your godson, what would you do? Can you think of a better way? Yeah, I thought so. Lot's of fics where Sirius has some sort of odd clause in his will that doesn't pass the logic test, here's another.
Some additions to the Omake in the last chapter
Addition to Sick by twilliams1797
Hermione and Ginny were asleep in their shared room at Grimmauld place. The noises of the night were the usual, the building creaked and in the distance you could hear snoring from down the hall, closed door or not. Hermione was awakened by a change in air pressure, the simple act of opening the door made her aware of a difference. She silently checked to felt her wand was in he holster and waited, not moving,.
In the darkness she could
sense a presence, and her eyes contacted Ginny's for the younger girl
was facing the moonlight. Ginny gestured with her eyes, and Hermione
slipped her wand out and aimed it at the intruder. A hand appeared
over the 'sleeping' Ginevera and slowly fondled he breast. Her eyes
widened in shock. The girl , laying on her right side, twisted and
punched straight up, connecting with a jaw, and receiving an Ungh! in
reply. Hermione cast a silent stunner which took the miscreant
They turned on the lights and found a stunned Ron lying on the floor next to Ginny's bed. "Dammit Ron. how many times do we have to tell you..!!
Harry woke up the next morning and was shocked at the silence, Normally Ron snored like .. Ron. Today there resided in Ron's bed a 6 ft tall . . .
Addition to Homecoming by dogbertcarroll
The auror shrugged. "Anyone that went to school with him, particularly the girls from younger years and their families. Anyone who was forced to spend time with him. Loads of people really. If I hadn't been on duty at the time down in the cells, I would have had all three myself."
Susan nodded. "Point. Lets just say it looks familiar and leave it at that."
"Ahhh, the DA contract still covers certain things. Not that we know all that much about that contract, but we have heard a bit of rumor here and there about how far reaching that simple little contract turned out to be, thanks to who designed it and others that added their own little touch afterwords."
Addition by twilliams1797
"I have never seen anything like this, how is he still alive?"
"Im sure that there is some kind of explanation .. Magic, Maybe?
'Never seen anyone actually talking out of their ass, and shite coming out their face.. ewww"
must have been a hex to reverse the digestive tract..
And Finally, Mini Omake Extended by Awlric Hayell : Triwzard (First Task):
The night Hagrid led Harry to see the Dragons for the first task, Instead of taking Harry all the way to the dragon pens, Hagrid had to go take care of a problem with the Blast-ended Skrewts and so left Harry on his own. Henceforth, Harry stayed a while longer and caught the tail end of a conversation Between Charlie Weaslely and one of the other Dragon Tamers.
"Whoa! Down boy! That's a good boy. Here, have a treat." Charlie petted the Hungarian Horntail as he fed it some raw, bloody steaks.
"Yeesh. I can never get that one to listen to me." the other tamer said as he walked up to Charlie. "How do you do it?"
Charlie grinned. "You've just got to remember a few key traits. The Swedish Short Snout is like a cat: a playful dragon, but very keyed to movement, and curious. Welsh Greens, on the other hand, are like owls: the intelligent sort, the kind you kind talk to and feel they understand you. It helps that they aren't tempermental, but don't ever get one mad! Chinese Fireballs are like falcons: they have the sharpest eyes of the bunch, and the fastest dive speed, but are particular to fish and are easily distracted when a live one is tossed at them. But my favorites are these, the Hungarian Horntails. They are quite like dogs: loyal to a fault, protective, affectionate, and if this one ever gives you any trouble..."
The Horntail began inching towards the school, about to make a break for it.
"Hang on a second." Summoning a copy of the Daily Prophet, Charlie rolled it into a tube and whacked the Horntail on the nose. It roared. He whacked it again. "No. Bad Dragon. Stay here." It whimpered and put it's large scaly head between its foreclaws.
"Wow," The Tamer stared at Charlie. "That must have taken some training."
"Yup," Charlie nodded proudly, "but always have a flame freezing charm on, in case of...accidents."
Harry had heard enough. He had his plan for the tournament.
"Bad Dragon." Harry smacked the giant lizard on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. "No," he said firmly. The crowd watched in shock as the bewildered dragon shank back submissively. "You've just got to be firm with them," Harry explained as he reached up to scratch the dragon behind one of the horns.
AN: Hope you enjoyed and hope it tides you over until I get a chance to put out a real chapter of something.