Disclaimer: Damn it, this wasn't what I wanted.

Harry Potter and the Accidental Harem

It all started a few months after Harry's sixth birthday . . .

"What?" Petunia shrieked.

"He needs to go to the dentist," the school nurse said calmly, "I've already set up the appointment." She may not have been able to do much for the poor boy but she could do this. Every time she'd sworn out a complaint against the Dursley family for their treatment of Harry Potter the police had taken down her information, promised to investigate the matter, and forgotten it. "Unless you'd like him to use your dentist?" She said sweetly, "just give me their number and I'll be happy to send over his records."

"No . . ." Petunia said quickly, she definitely did not want her dentist to know they had a second child living with them . . . who knows what kinds of questions that might bring up. "What is the number please?"

"Oh you don't have to take him," the nurse said calmly, "it's part of my job after all."

"You'll take him then?" Petunia asked hopefully.

"Yes, I just need your permission to do so . . . sign here please." Petunia snatched the pen out of the nurse's hand and scrawled her name on the permission slip.

"And I don't have to do anything else?"

"Not a thing," the nurse agreed cheerfully, "though I may have to get your permission to take him to a few more places . . . he's such a sickly boy."

"Not at all like my Dudders," Petunia cooed. "What do I have to sign?" Seizing her chance, the nurse placed a small stack of papers in front of the giraffe like woman. "All this?" Petunia asked sickly.

"If you don't want me to bother you about this yes," the nurse said sternly.

"And I never have to deal with any of the boy's . . . issues again?"

"Never again," she said firmly, "he'll still sleep at your home but he's got so many problems that it would not surprise me if he spent very little time there aside from that."

"Nothing contagious?"

"No . . . nothing contagious," she agreed as sweetly as she could.

"Fine," Petunia agreed, "so long as I never have to worry about this again."

Harry was terrified of going to the dentist. The entire day Dudley had been telling him about all the terrible things dentists did and while he'd normally have discounted anything that came out of the fat bastard's mouth, the other children had agreed. So it was with a profound sense of reluctance that Harry allowed the school nurse to take him to what everyone had agreed was a chamber of horrors.

"Harry," the nurse said, "this is Doctor Granger. She's going to be fixing your teeth. That's her husband there next to her, he's a dentist too. Isn't that interesting?" Harry just clung tighter to the nurse's leg, they weren't going to take him without a fight.

"Call me Jill," she said kindly, "and this is my husband Jack . . . you may have heard a story about us going up a hill." She added in a whisper, "and I have to tell you that it's all true . . . Jack is such a clumsy man."

"Really?" Harry asked, a bit less nervous.

"Really," she agreed. "Now why don't you sit in this seat and we'll take care of you."

"Okay," Harry agreed. A couple hours later Doctor Granger pronounced that she was done for the moment.

"Why don't you play with my daughter while I talk to your nurse?" Jill said as she nudged Harry into the play room.

Harry walked into the room to find a small girl with bushy hair with her nose in a book.


"Hi," the girl muttered.

"I'm Harry."

"Hermione," she said without looking up.

"What are you reading?"

"A history about the Romans."

"Is it interesting?"

"You want to know?" Hermione brightened. "Did you know that the Romans had indoor plumbing?"


"They also built a big wall across the island," Hermione said quickly. "I've got pictures here . . . wanna see?" She asked hopefully.



"What is it?" The nurse asked nervously.

"Malnutrition and the only case of scurvy I've seen in a developed country," Jill said unhappily, "the police need to be contacted."

"I've tried," the nurse said unhappily, "but the police never seem to listen."

"Maybe they'll listen to me then," Jill said with a frown, "come on. I need to document all of this."


"Do you wanna play a game?" Hermione asked her new friend shyly.

"What game?"


"I don't know how to play house," Harry said sadly.

"I can teach you?" She suggested hopefully.


"Ok first of all, I'm the mommy and you can be the daddy so we have to get married."

"How do we do that?"

"Take my hand."


"That's that," Jill said with a sigh, "Jack could you take a look at this?"

"Certainly my sweet."

"Can you think of anything to add?"

"A GP?"

"Can you recommend a good one?" The nurse asked.

"Might be better if they weren't affiliated with us," Jack said thoughtfully, "that way we'll all be independent of each other."

Hermione and Harry were still playing when the nurse came to collect him a few hours later.

"Come on Harry," she said gently, "we need to get you something to eat before you go home."

"Can we come back?"

"We'll have to come back several times before all your teeth are fixed," she agreed with false cheerfulness.

"See you later Hermione," Harry said as he walked away.

"Bye Harry," Hermione replied. Behind her the two dentists shared a smile of their own, happy that their daughter was coming out of her shell.

Harry didn't return to the Granger Dental Clinic that week, instead the nurse took him to a Medical Doctor who poked and prodded him until the exam was over.

"Why don't you go play with my daughter?" Doctor Perks suggested. "She's in my office through that door."

A bit more confident now that he'd managed to make one friend, Harry walked into the office and introduced himself.

"I'm Harry."


"Do you wanna be friends?"

"Okay," she agreed, "wanna play a game?"

"Sure," Harry agreed, "I know how to play house."


Over the next several years, Harry became a regular fixture at the Doctor's office, the Dental Clinic, as well as several other health care places along with one Indian restraint where he befriended a pair of twin girls. While the nurse's bid to have Harry removed from the Dursley family never seemed to succeed, the increased attention caused the family to give him a bit more freedom then would have otherwise been the case. Not one of his magical 'guardians' noticed a single thing odd until the sorting.

Minerva smiled as she watched Lily's boy walk in with a small group of girls, first day of school and the little heart breaker had already gathered himself a harem . . . James would have been so proud. Giggling at Lily's probable reaction to that news, Minerva began calling out names.

"Brocklehurst, Mandy."

"Hmmm," the hat said thoughtfully, "haven't had one of these for a while . . . stand aside for now, I'll deal with all of you together."

Dumbledore watched with growing concern as the hat singled out every muggle born girl in that year along with Harry Potter.

"What is the meaning of this?" He demanded after the last student had been sorted.

"Difficult," the hat said thoughtfully, "I'd normally have spread them around but school regulations state that I must put them in the same house . . . I'd say you need to convene the Board of Governors."


"To approve the formation of another house of course," the Hat replied. "Now leave me alone, I want to go back to sleep until next year."

"What do you mean another house?"

"School regulations state that betrothed pairs must go to the same house," the hat sighed, "in the case of a multiple marriage then the group is to be sent to the most compatible house. This group has no clear majority therefore I cannot sort them, hence you must form a new house or send them to another school . . . I'm sure several would be happy to accept the Potter boy. Now let me go to sleep."

"Minerva," Dumbledore said in shock, "watch over Mr. Potter and his betrothed. I need to go use the floo."

"Yes Albus," Minerva agreed in shock. She never would have guessed that her little joke would turn out to be true. James wouldn't have been, he'd have been dancing in the streets and Lily . . . well, actually she wasn't sure how Lily would have taken it. During her pregnancy with Harry Lily had developed an odd obsession of having as many grandchildren as possible so it was just as likely that Lily would have joined James in the streets. Poor girl never was quite right in the head after the accident. "Why don't you children sit over here," Minerva suggested, a wave of her wand transfigured a new table and benches, "while we sort everything out?"


"Have you figured out what happened Headmaster?" Lucius demanded as he stepped through the fireplace.

"As you know, magical children are warded to prevent them from making binding agreements until they've come of age?"

"Get to the point," Lucius demanded.

"We've never bothered doing that with muggle born students until after they've gotten their letters," Dumbledore admitted reluctantly, "it seems that Harry has a talent for tracking down muggle born witches and marrying them."

"Mr. Potter did not have the wards applied?"

"So it seems," Dumbledore sighed, "or perhaps the killing curse removed them. Now I don't think it will be too difficult to get the hat to resort them after we change the regulations and . . ."

"Out of the question," Lucius interrupted, "I have already arranged for one of the unused wings to be converted into student quarters."

"Lucius you can't be serious."

"No that's my wife's cousin," Lucius sneered. "I will not be responsible for altering the school regulations more then necessary.""

"Lucius be reasonable."

"The subject is closed Headmaster," Lucius said firmly, "unless you'd like me to have you placed on probation . . . the Board has granted me as much power as I wish to resolve this issue. One can't scrip when they're dealing with someone as important as the-boy-who-lived after all."

AN: Wrote this for a scene with Lucius and then when I looked over it, it didn't fit that scene. So I clipped off the end and called it good, still going to have to use that scene somewhere else. Forgot to mention this when I posted this on my group but I got the idea for this from meteoricshipyards's fic 'Luna's Hubby.'

Omake by: meteoricshipyards

Sibyl Trelawny for head of house.

"As there are only first years here, the girls will be in that dorm and you Harry will be in that one."

Harry looked in and saw a bed as big as the one Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon had in their room. It was much bigger than the cot he slept on.

"But if we're bonded, doesn't that mean we're married?" Hermione asked.

The strange woman's eyes crossed a bit -- it was easy to see with those thick glasses, and said, "Well, sort of, it's a bit complicated . . ."

But the complications were interrupted by Hermione saying, "Well, my mother and father are married and they sleep in the same bed."

"As do ours," one of the Patil sisters said, while her twin nodded.

"And mine," Su Li agreed.

"My mummy died when I was little," Tracy Davis said, sorrowfully. She was quickly surrounded by the rest of the house in a big group hug.

"Well, you can sleep with us, too," Hermione said in

Sibyl's "I don't think that's supposed to happen," was ignored as they whole group went into Harry's room. He looked surprised as he saw that the large bed had been replaced by a humungous bed.

At least it was big enough for all of them, he thought.

Omake by donelsenheimer: Harry and the Accidental Harem

Several weeks after Harry's first visit to the dentist, the School Nurse organized a meeting for those who had taken an interest in his care. It was held in an Indian restaurant, where Harry had befriended

twin girls his own age. While the adults compared notes and discussed strategies for improving his life, Harry and his newfound friends were allowed to play in the flat above the restaurant.

"Wanna play, Harry?" asked Hermione.

"Okay," he replied. "What game?"

"House!" said six different girls in unison.

"Erm...okay," said Harry. "Guess I'm the daddy."

"I'm the mummy!" Sally-Ann announced quickly.

"No, I'm the mummy," said Hermione. "You can be the baby."

"No way, I said it first."

As the girls all expressed their desire to be the mummy, Harry frowned. He didn't want to make any of his new friends unhappy.

"Stop!" yelled Padma, one of the twin girls. "When we play house in our house," she noted, "Harry is the daddy, and my sister and I are both mummies."

"Both mummies?" asked Mandy. "How does that work?"

Padma shrugged her shoulders. "First Harry marries my sister, and then he marries me. And then we sleep in the same bed and both have babies with Harry."

"Can you do that?" asked Sue-Ann.

Padma nodded. "It's called pig-amy."

"You mean polygamy," Hermione informed everyone. "Like when a Sultan has a harem in Arabia."

"But we live in England," noted Mandy.

Padma thought for a moment. "So, what if…instead of house, we play harem?"

Harry smiled. "I wanna play that game."

Couple more unrelated Omake by me:

Omake: Marriage Law

"It simply can't be true," Hermione said with a superior attitude, "what idiot would believe that the Ministry would force us to marry ."

"I saw it in Snape's head," Harry said sickly, "it was horrible. Dumbledore planned it so that it would build greater understanding or some such rot."


"Well what?"

"Did you see who was going to marry who?"

"They've charmed the sorting hat to do it for them," Harry said as he paced the room, "I didn't see every match."

"Which ones did you see?" Lavender demanded, "this is important stuff Harry."

"You're with Ron," Harry said absently.

"Oh?" Lavender gave Ron a critical look, "I could do better."

"Doesn't sound so bad," Ron muttered, eyes locked on Lav's impressive attributes. "You're certainly very . . . healthy."

"What about me?" Hermione asked.

"You along with Padma, Parvati, and Ginny are all in Malfoy's harem."

"What?" Hermione looked ready to vomit.

"I think there were a few more but I'm not sure," Harry continued. "But that's not the worse part."

"What can be worse then being in Malfoy's harem?" Hermione screamed.

"Being in Snape's," Harry replied coldly.

"You mean?"

"For some reason, Dumbledore and Snape think that it will resolve our differences."

"Oh god Harry . . ."

"They've already sealed off the exits, there's nothing we can do."

"Harry hold out your wand and repeat after me . . ."


"Just do it," Hermione demanded. "Actually wait, Ginny, Parvati get your sister and any other girl that wants to get in on this."


"It's us or Snape," Hermione said sharply, "and speaking as your friend. I'm not sure if I could forgive you for picking Snape over me."

"Mate," Ron said, "I feel the same way and I don't like blokes."

"Neither do I," Harry said quickly, "but what's this all about?"

"You don't know?"

"Don't know what?"

"The hat can't force us to get married if we're already married," Hermione explained. "I hope Parvati hurries, we don't have much time."

"You don't know how much time we have," Harry pointed out.

"This is too important to worry about such things," Hermione snapped.


"How did your lessons with young Harry go?" Dumbledore asked.

"The boy's incompetent," Snape growled. "I allowed him into my mind to look at some false memories and I'd wager that the idiot still hasn't realized that he saw complete fabrications."

"What did you show him?"

"Some drek about arranged marriage," Snape said with a wave of his hand, "I let his mind fill in most of the details. I only made sure that it would be unpleasant for him . . . no doubt the boy believes he and Ms. Parkinson will soon be walking down the isle or some such nonsense."

"Ms. Parkinson?"

"He hates Draco and I'm sure that he can think of nothing worse then taking Draco's leavings," Snape said with a wave.


"Alright everyone," Hermione said loudly. "Form an orderly circle and touch the points of your wands together, so long as everyone is touching someone's wand this should work correctly."

"And if they aren't touching?" Pansy asked nervously.

"Then we'll try again," Hermione said looking at the girl oddly, "I never would have expected to see you here?"

"Harem with Harry or where ever Dumbledore wants to put me," Pansy mocked, "hmmm . . . I wonder which I should go for? My oh my this his a hard decision."

"But what about Draco?"

"I pretend to like the bastard because it means he leaves me alone," Pansy said slowly, "and I thought you were supposed to be intelligent. Shame the rumors weren't true, on the plus side it does prove that most muggleborn aren't bright enough to last in our world."

"Pansy?" Hermione said sweetly.

"Yes Hermione?"

"Shut up or I'll break your nose."

"Now that's the Right Cross Granger we know and love," Pansy said with a relieved smile. "Let's do this thing."


"Are you sure it was wise to make Harry think that Severus?"

"What's the worst thing that could happen?" Snape asked with a laugh. "It's not like Potter is going to marry half the bloody girls in the school to escape from this faux marriage law."

"I guess you're right Severus."


Magic flashed and everyone breathed a sigh of relief, they were safe from the Minister's insane marriage laws and from Dumbledore's insane match making scheme.

"On to the wedding night," Ginny squealed.

"We don't have to do that Ginny," Hermione said with a sigh.

"Actually we do," Pansy pitched in, "if we don't then the marriage isn't valid and can be annulled . . . why else did you think I brought this case of toys and stamina potions?"

"I try not to pry into people's personal lives," Hermione said dryly, "or learn too much about their hobbies."

"Touche Granger."

AN: Couldn't think of another scene, maybe Snape pounding his head against a wall cursing the fact that he's solely responsible for the upcoming surge in the Potter Population? This came from the fact that I read about half of the first chapter in a marriage law fic, aside from running around killing everyone I thought that this was a rather nice way to handle the situation.

Omake by Swordchucks

Snape glared at the class of particularly tired looking dunderheads and snatched up the role.

"Draco Malfoy."

"Present," the ponce said, barely taking his narrowed eyes off the other students around him.

"Harry Potter"

"Present," Harry managed, well, what was left of him managed. He looked like he'd been locked in a closet with a berserk bludger. Though it must have been a happy bludger since he appeared to have a

smile permanently grafted to his face.

"Hermione... Potter."

"Present," Hermione drawled lazily. Yes, drawled.

"Pansy... Potter," Snape choked out.

"Present," the girl with the not-quite-pug-anymore face smirked back. Yes, smirked.

"Daphne... P-potter!" the Professor stuttered and didn't even wait for an answer as he continued to go down the list. "Potter, Potter, Potter, Potter... Harry Potter, what have you done!"

Omake by David Brown

"I created a false memory of myself being Potter's father. There's no way he could take it seriously."

In Potions, the next day...

"Father? Daddy? Daddy!" Harry ran across the classroom and leapt into Snape's arms. "Don't you have a potion to correct my looks? I don't want to look like that arrogant berk Potter any longer."


"Oi, Malfoy! You're going to tell your daddy about this?" Malfoy was hanging from the ceiling of the Chamber of Secrets above a pit filled with basilisk fangs, all pointing up. "Go ahead. My daddy can kick your daddy's arse."