Harry Potter and the Veela Must Die Parody

By Eppy the House Elf

Chapter One – the Floor Show

My wonderful and prettyful Master Harry is just standing there looking at that stupid Headmaster he is. It's not being his fault, no it is not!

"What?" my master asks. Well it is all he can think to say after what he has been told. After all it was the stupidest thing he has ever heard and of course it is being coming from Dumbledore's mouth.

"One would think, Potter," sneered the greasy potion's master. Eppy is not being liking him one little bit. Eppy is thinking that maybe a bath and a blowjob would be doing wonders for him, but then again Eppy is not thinking anyone would wanting to be touching it without being under the Imperious Curse. Oh wait, he's talking again.

"One would think Potter that you would be able to understand a simple declarative statement of instruction to you. Then again after seeing you in potion making, one would understand that the simple act of boiling water is beyond your scope of intelligence."

Oh if Eppy could just once be allowed to use her whip on him that would be wiping that smug look off of his hooked nosed face it would!

"Severus," admonished the Headmaster lightly, "now is not the time for your brand of humor."

Humor? Eppy is thinking she is needing to be taking the whip to both of these old farts!

"Could you please repeat what you just said, sir?" asked my poor Master Harry. He is looking so stunned he is not knowing whether to run away or sand there and look dumb founded.

"What the Headmaster said…"

"I can answer questions posed to me Severus, thank you. What I said Harry is that Mr. Malfoy has revealed himself to be a male Veela to his head of house and wishes you to become his mate."


"Yes, Potter, he did say that and you are going to do it," sneered the Snape thingy with great delight. Eppy is just hating him she is.

"No, I will not." That's is being it, give 'em hell Master Harry.

"Yes, you will Potter. You have no choice in the matter."

"Since when do you have the right to make choices on my life partner?" asked Master Harry through clenched teeth. Oh, that's is being good, because he is getting ready to kick some arse! Eppy just loves a good arse whipping. It makes me feel dirty, you know, down there.

"Because Potter," spat the Snape thing. He's is having a little bit of spittle on his chin, but Eppy is not telling him because I's is thinking it is making him look even more stupid then he does already.

"Because Potter, if you do not do as you are told, then Mr. Malfoy's life will be in jeopardy."

"He'll be on a Muggle game show?"

With his eyes twinkling with amusement, the Dumbledore replies, "No, Harry, what Severus means is that Mr. Malfoy's life is in danger of ending if he is formally refused by his mate."

I's is so wanting to set him on fire right now, but Eppy is not being able to find her matches.

"This is my problem how?"

"Surely you don't want to see him suffer and die do you Harry?"

Scratching his chin in thought, my Master Harry who is being as wise as he is prettyful says, "Actually, yeah, I would like to see him suffer."

At this point Eppy is being thinking that she is needing to pop in and be taking care of things because the Snape thingy is getting ready to say something stupid to my beloved master. So with a little bit of elf magic I's pops into the office.

"Eppy is thinking you's is needing to be quiet," I's says to the greasy teacher and then I's is filling his mouth with spello tape. That should shut him up for awhile. Then Eppy is turning to the Headmaster and I's is saying, "Where is being that poofy, pouncy nancy boy?"

"Which one?"

There is being days that kicking the old wizard just isn't doing enough to get through to him.

"I think she's referring to Malfoy sir."

"I believe that he is his common room."

"You's is getting him here now you's is," Eppy informs him. "We's is getting this done now and today and then you's is leaving my poor Master Harry alone you's is."

Just for good measure I's is cracking my whip.

"You might want to do as she says Professor," my Master Harry informs him. "It's not a good thing to cross a dominatrix house elf, it could turn ugly."

"I shall send for him directly."

"Good," I's say and crack the whip again.


Okay, I's is fast forwarding a bit, because the wait in the office waiting for that poofy, pouncy, nancy boy is not worth noting except for the fact that Master Harry and Eppy is having a nice game of Exploding Snap on a small couch that I conjured up for us to be sitting on.

"Ah, Mr. Malfoy, I see that you have arrived," the Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his eye.

Eppy is liking to pull those eyes out of his head and use them as jingle-bobs. Along with his testicles. Eppy is not liking the Headmaster, have you noticed?

"Made us wait long enough," muttered my Master Harry. And really he's is having a point, it isn't that long of a walk up from the dungeons.

"I wanted to look my best," that poofy, pouncy nancy boy replied. Both Master Harry and Eppy rolled our eyes at him.

Master Harry started to stand up, but Eppy is pushing him back down onto his cushion and handing him a large tub of popcorn and a Muggle soft drink. "You's is letting Eppy take care of this Master Harry," I's is saying to him softly.

Turning to that poofy, pouncy, nancy boy Eppy is saying clearly and loudly, "Since you's is beneath my Master Harry, he's is telling me to be telling you that he is formally rejecting you as a mate."

That poofy, pouncy, nancy boy turned a pale shade of white he did. He was pretty white to begin with, so it was not being that big of a difference really.


"Yes," Eppy is saying back to that poofy, pouncy, nancy boy. Could he not hear me tell him this before?

That Snape thingy was livid and turned a bright red color, but with a mouth full of spello tape he's was not saying much. Tee-hee! However, he starts pounding his fist into Dumbledore's desk and pointing at my Master Harry with that crooked finger of his. Dumbledore is just sitting there with a look of disappointment on his old wrinkled face.

I's is ignoring them Eppy is and sat on the couch with Master Harry as that poofy, pouncy, nancy boy fell to the floor and began convulsing.

"Now what happens," asks Master Harry.

Giving him the biggest toothy grin I's can, Eppy says, "Now we's is watching the floor show."

Then we's both watch as that poofy, pouncy, nancy boy begins dying on the Headmaster's office floor.


This is being the end … So please read and review or else Eppy is getting her whip!

This is being all Rorschach's Blot's fault; he is being the one to be giving Eppy the idea to do this in the first place!