This is just something I came up with whilst musing about the pairing…it is a good pairing, I think, but it's really unlikely, too, I guess. In fact, that's what prompted me to actually write this, its un-likeliness. All in all, I think the pairing is beautiful so I had to write something about it. And this is to be my first suicide fic, as well…which I guess feels a little weird but I like it. And don't worry, I haven't forgotten about my other story, I never could. I just had to write this to get it out there. The pairing sort of enchanted me, you could say. I hope you like it, unusual, yes, but still loveable, I hope.
A/N: This is told from Ryou's POV. I know, unusual for me. Heh…sorry everyone, but this seemed better for the nature of the story. Oh and everyone, alright, ok, I know that Ryou has blue eyes, but I wanted to make them gray for the poetic value of the story, so just bare with me. Thanks.
Warning: It's rated M for a reason, brief mentions of some sexual acts, lots of kissing and, of course, suicide. Oh and yaoi, too, if you didn't see the pairing on the way in (sweat-drop). Come on people, if you don't like it, don't' read it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-gi-oh
Seto Kaiba. He walks confidently, self-assuredly, meaningfully. His gaze can freeze a man's soul with one careless flick of those ocean-blue eyes. Those eyes…the sea becomes jealous upon noticing that it has competition of color with a man such as Seto Kaiba. It is sure to loose the contest of loveliness.
Seto Kaiba stands tall and maintains a rigid posture that can seem casual even in the most frightening of situations. He can tame the wildest of beasts with the fiery command he boasts over all, his dominance is absolute. He gets only whatever he wants, no one dares go against his wishes for fear of their very life.
Seto Kaiba contains no flaws, he is utterly infallible. No one can accuse him of a mistake.
I should have realized then, I was stupid. Love is a flaw. It does not fit him.
The breeze between my legs and the vertigo of being so high up create finality in the act I'm about to commit. My arms are spread out as if I am about to take off and fly, (if only, if only). I look down beneath me and see the raging storm of the sea. My near future.
I sigh. Seto Kaiba…this is not your fault. Only mine. You're the one that gave me peace, it's not your fault.
I beseech you, however dares hear me. Listen to my tale, I'll tell you how I came to be standing on the edge of this very bridge, my future so very near the ocean below me.
It all began at Battle City. Directly in the middle, during one of the rare opportunities my yami had decided to let me control my body and be aware of what was happening. The sun drifted in between clouds, unsure if its appearance was appropriate at the moment. I remember feeling akin to the sun, drifting in and out of consciousness, becoming subtly myself and then immediately transferring back to the wretched spirit that resided in my Sen-nin Ring.
I was standing by a rectangular man-made lake, a fair blue one that glistened and dimmed with the fickle sun. There were scant bushes that surrounded this lake with tiny green leaves that shook as if disgruntled by the teasing wind that blew past me, making my clothes stick to my bony figure and my snow white hair raise and fall ever so slightly.
The sight could have been considered lovely if you took the time to notice it. I knew that I wasn't supposed to be noticing it; I wasn't even supposed to be in this part of the City, (I was supposed to find Yugi and the others to discuss their plans with them. Part of this was of my own volition but another major part was directed to me by the Spirit, as I often refer to him). But it was just so lovely, I had to look at it. My own pale gray eyes felt ashamed to be part of this colorful concoction.
I was colorless. A being of impossible lack of color. I was pale skinned and had hair to match a bowl of fresh milk. Not even my eyes were a help to this colorblind mess of flesh, the pebble-grays I owned. As much as possible, I stayed away from dark or brightly colored clothes to give attribute to myself. Sometimes, people mistook me for an albino, which always lead to awkward explanation of how my skin had pigment, it was just very light. Barely any of them understood.
I sighed standing by that pool. How much time did I have left on this earth? I found myself wondering this more and more. I didn't want to live this life anymore, this life of helplessness, this life of solitude and rejection. The only thing that kept me reasonably sane was the thought that I could end it all, any time I wished.
Yet, there were so many things I had yet to experience…perhaps I never would. Like love. My parents were constantly away on business trips, never paying me much mind anyway. I had no siblings, no girlfriends, (although my preference did not lean their way, unfortunately), and only a few friends that associated themselves with Yugi. I would probably never get to know what love felt like. So far I had met no one that was openly gay, someone that I could become close to romantically. I had learned to accept my future loveless life.
And then the wind shifted slightly, literally and figuratively. I felt it change, become subtly more forceful, making me brace myself and hold the light blue striped coat I wore tightly to my center. I don't know why, but I looked to the direct of the wind which blew my face back roughly.
Through squinting eyes I saw a figure walking towards me from the distance. It was nothing more than a mere speck on the side of the sky, but I knew by the way it became bigger and moved closer to me that it was a person.
I didn't know whether to run or stay put. I wasn't technically supposed to be here…but there were no laws that said this, it was just the Spirit. Maybe this person wouldn't even notice me if they passed. Or maybe…maybe they would tell Seto Kaiba about my presence here and I would be kicked out of the tournament.
Something about the figure, though, made me stay put. I just stood there, the wind pushing my face back, waiting for the figure to meet me. I don't know what I expected of it, or even if I had a purpose for wanting to meet it, I just stood there.
Eventually I saw the defining trait: something attached to the figure was whipping behind it furiously in the wind. Like a cape. Or an extremely long trench coat. I should have known who it was, but the thought didn't even cross my mind. I just stood there.
As it came closer I began to hear a shouting, coming from the figure, discernibly a man's voice. He was talking to himself rapidly and angrily. This person was not happy. Was he…crazy, though? To be talking to himself. I just stood there and waited.
He neared me enough so that I could see the brown hair combed neatly and the whit and black of his outfit, the blots and spikes sticking out of it, and those blue eyes. Those piercing blue eyes that yelled furiously, even without him speaking. There was no doubt. This man was Seto Kaiba himself.
And he was not taking a leisurely stroll, either. He was in quite a hurry. I realized shamefully that he had not been talking to himself, but rather he had been shouting into a cell phone, reprimanding and directing what seemed like an incompetent employee.
I just stood there. Even when he was near enough to reach me, I just stood there, unsure of what to do. I wanted to leave, but why? He would just shuffle passed me with the phone and keep on his way, like nothing had ever happened and I would be left alone in his wake, shaken by his sudden appearance with only the memory of his eloquence to keep me musing about him throughout the day.
Though that's not what happened.
Apparently, Kaiba was in such a hurry he was too preoccupied to notice my colorless presence at all. I stood there dumbly and he ran right into me, smacking our bodies together painfully.
The force of the blow sent us both backwards, I actually landed on the floor, but Kaiba, being a lot more graceful than I, caught himself in a step and avoided that pain.
The wind knocked out of me when I hit the hard concrete. I never had strong lungs, it was so easy for me to tire and have to catch my breath. I looked up at him between uneven, ragged breaths to find those crystalline blue eyes leering straight at me. His mouth was poised in a position that said he was about to talk, but he was not. He just stared at me, I wasn't sure if he was dumbfounded or entranced or…anything…he just stared at me.
I could hear on the employee's small voice from Kaiba's cell phone shouting meaninglessly at him, "Mr. Kaiba? Mr. Kaiba? Are you there? Mr.—.."
Kaiba woke from his trance like state suddenly and in one movement snapped his cell phone shut, cutting the man off mid-sentence, and lifted me off the ground onto my feet.
"My apologies," he said, in his trademark gravelly voice. "I didn't even notice you there."
Now it was my turn to be entranced. This Seto Kaiba, important, flawless, icy, impeccable business man, one so much more important than I who had never bothered to pay me so much as a glance before then, was talking to me. Talking to me. And he…had apologized. Apologized? Had I heard correctly?
I said nothing, but just stared at him stupefied. I noticed that even though my breath had returned and I was standing somewhat strongly, Kaiba still had his hand on my right shoulder resting it there, not moving it, just left it there for what seemed like no reason at all.
"What's your name?" he asked casually but strongly, (everything he said was with some kind of force), his eyes fixed on me enough to make me quite nervous.
"R…ryou Bakura," I managed to stammer out. My own eyes darted around the area trying to shake the feeling of his hand on my shoulder. The temperature of the place had become quite hot indeed, and I was sweating beneath my clothes, his hand making me so nervous.
Suddenly he picked up the hand and with the very tip of his middle finger brushed a white strand of hair behind me ear saying, "Striking name," in barely a whisper. The touch was so light, not even really there in fact, but it made me breath quicken and skin tingly and sensitive.
Then it was gone. He moved back away from me, no more hand on my shoulder, and continued the thought with what seemed like an overly loud, "I'm Seto Kaiba, president of Kaiba Corp."
I was shocked out of my reverie and embarrassed that so little a touch had put me in such an improper manner as I just was. But I managed to laugh a little at that and say in my light, cursedly feminine voice, "I know who you are."
He gave me that evil, smug smirk, but something seemed different…lighter, I suppose…about it. "Hmm. I see you have a Duel Disk. Does my tournament suite you?"
Why did he cared? Why had I talked? Now he thought that I wanted to talk? But I didn't…I, well, alright I did a little, but…I was desperately confused. Somehow I managed a nod.
"Good." His voice didn't seem so loud now. Maybe it was just me.
We stood there in silence for barely a moment, my gaze too shy to look at him, but my shoulders and back feeling his eyes still fixed on me.
Then he said, "I must leave. I have business to attend to, but—.."
I cut him off, anxious at the chance that this torment would be over. "Right, of course, sorry to have kept you." That wasn't like me at all. But then again Kaiba was showing some different colors then usual as well, so…
He looked at me curiously. I looked away again. "Well…" I said, not about to let this grand opportunity go. "Good-bye…"
I began to walk away, feeling a strange sort of reluctance in my stomach. As if my body told me that it wanted to stay some more. I wanted to yell at it, "But he has to go! We're wasting his time with! And since when are we worthy enough for his time?"
Then he grabbed my right shoulder again. I turned to look at him, almost frightened now.
"It was a pleasure meeting you, Ryou Bakura."
He let me go after this was said. I watched his back go into the distance toward who knew what. Not long after we departed he snapped his cell phone back on and told his employee he had run into somebody and they had gotten cut off. I wondered absently where he went off to. I fancied it was something brave and noble, something fitting of such a man as Seto Kaiba.
When his form was again a mere shape against the sky, I sighed and went back on my way.
I was not going to deny to myself that I found Seto Kaiba attractive. He was, in all aspects, (especially after that fatal meeting). But I knew that he would forget about me as soon as he attended to his business. I was merely a stain. A gray stain on his rigorous yet clean day. I had dirtied his morning, perhaps his afternoon would be better. Perhaps his luck would return and he would run into more interesting people. Hopefully for him. Maybe he would even find—
The Spirit possessed me after that. There's really not much more I remember of Battle City after my run-in with Kaiba, except some hospitals, Yugi's grandfather, and the pain. Oh, yes, there was a lot of pain. I remember something shadowy and some mouths and an enormous red dragon that I can piece together as a duel the Spirit fought with Yugi. But mostly I remember the pain. Excruciating pain that made me feel weak in the stomach and bogged down my entire body enough to cry out for help, any kind of help.
Amazingly enough, after the Battle City tournament was over, the Spirit took a break from possessing me for a while. I don't know where he went or what exactly happened to make him leave, but I remember waking up in the hospital on the blimp and for once feeling that my mind was alone. There was no menacing presence looming in its corners, waiting to take shatter my consciousness. I felt…normal. It's strange, but the rest of the events that transpired through to this very moment I'm speaking to you occurred without the Spirit. Everything that happened with Kaiba had nothing to do with him, and still doesn't. For that I'm thankful.
I didn't see Kaiba again until long after the tournament. Many weeks, perhaps months. Yet not a day passed by when I didn't think about him for less than an hour. Every day, (usually just when I awoke from pure sleep to find my mind empty or just before I passed into sleep), I spent on hour or more just thinking about him. What was he doing right then? Working, probably. Did he think of me, as well? Probably not. He had better things to do with his time. I always ended these moments of thinking feeling strangely…light. Like I weighed nothing and if I didn't hold onto my bed sheets for dear life I might just float away…
The next time I saw him happened quite by chance. I was late for a dentist appointment because Joey had called me up to ask for my help with the dishwasher in his apartment, so I had to go over and help him with its "stupid 'n confusin'" settings.
I felt so obligated to Joey. He was best friend besides Yugi, but our relationship was different than mine and Yugi's. Joey was the first boy I ever kissed, but it wasn't really out of mutual love. I used to love Joey. When I told him this he was understanding of me, not at all impatient. Yet he told me that he did not love me back, he just liked me as a friend. I began to cry and in a moment of desperation I begged him to let me kiss him. He agreed, but only because I was sobbing hysterically. My fixation with him stopped a few days later. I realized that even though I liked Joey very much, I could never be with him. I would never force anyone to love me if they did not and that's what I had done to Joey when I forced him into the kiss. So, I learned to buck up and forget about him, ashamed of my behavior. I was only so lucky that Joey was able to forgive me; otherwise I would have been without a strong friend.
Unfortunately, this meeting with Joey made me late for my appointment, so I had to fly out of his home and rush down the street, running as quickly as I could, trying to weave through the throngs of people on the Domino City sidewalks.
Yet, like always, I managed to run into the one person who I did not want to: Seto Kaiba.
We smacked into each other hard, much harder than the previous time. I fell forward and the heels of my hands were the only things that caught me, the pebbles from the concrete embedded themselves into my bloodied, scraped skin. Kaiba had to lean against the telephone poll to catch himself, lucky not to fall right on top of me.
Angrily at first, Kaiba whipped around and said, "Why don't you watch where you're…" But he cut off right there; I was waiting for the reprimand, the yell, perhaps even a kick in the side. I squeezed my eyes shut and waited.
As soon as his hands touched my shoulders I flinched, braced for the attack. But all he did was pick me up and lean me against the poll to outwait the catching of my breath.
As he waited, he kept a hand on the place where my neck met me back. "Ryou Bakura, right?" he asked, the roughness of his voice grating sensuously against my hearing.
I nodded, coughing violently for a moment. He…remembered me? How was that possible? I thought that my memory had long since been erased from his mind by the powers of his occupation. Why did he recognize me?
"Interesting how we keep bumping into each other, no?" He remembered that, as well? Did I…really stand out that much to him?
"You…you remembered?" I asked, my breath returning.
He raised an eyebrow and nodded. I chanced a look at him. His eyes were the same as always, from all the times I'd thought about him and all the times I'd dreamt about him, they were still the same intense sapphires I know so well.
I felt the hand on my back. I fought with a blush creeping up my face. I didn't want to seem so vulnerable, (when really I was, I had been thanking God not a moment before because my bones had not broken when I fell, I had very brittle bones). Nor did I want him to remove that hand, I liked it there. It felt…nice. Yet I also wanted that hand to be gone. I didn't want to become so infatuated like I had the last time we were together. There were so many more people around us, so many faces that might see us. How could he chance keeping his hand there in the first place?
"Where were you headed?" Kaiba asked, startling me out of my concentration.
"Dentist…appointment…" I stammered, staring at a crack in the sidewalk, anything but him. "…You?" Why did I ask that? I should be quiet. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. He doesn't care about you enough to tell where he's going. Why would he? Shut your mouth.
However, he did not yell at me for requesting this of him. He just stood there and said, "I'm going to pick up my brother from school. He enjoys walking with me."
"Oh," I said meekly. "I see. Well, I'll leave then, I do not want to keep."
He nodded again and removed the hand, still as enchanting as ever. "Of course. So long."
We parted coldly. Just when I thought that everything was hopeless and that I was so stupid I heard him turn around and say, "It was a pleasure seeing you again, Ryou Bakura."
I stopped walking and my breath caught in my throat. People moved around me like I was a rock in a stream, but I couldn't breathe. He had said it again. Given me some sort of mildly dismissive, yet almost friendly, good-bye. And…he had said my name again. When he did that, he gave me shivers internally and I could feel my heart beating so rapidly in my chest. I wondered if I was getting a mild palpitation, (I have had a very weak heart since birth), but then realized that it couldn't be. There was no pain.
No pain. For once. No pain.
Seto Kaiba did not forget about me. Seto Kaiba did not think I wasn't important enough for a proper good-bye. Seto Kaiba had said my name—twice. Seto Kaiba had touched me, and he had not slapped me. Seto Kaiba did not cause me pain.
I closed my eyes. This was…unreal. Surely the man that I had run into both times was not the same Seto Kaiba that Yugi knew. Surely this was a different man, perhaps a man posing as Seto Kaiba or a man named Seto Kaiba ironically that shared his likeness. Surely it could not be the same man who owned a billion-dollar company and treated no one with respect except his little brother, the single person in the world to earn his true affections. Yes, perhaps that would explain it.
I opened my eyes. Silly Ryou. And you thought that the Seto Kaiba remembered your name.
So, I went on with my life as usual, trying to look on the bright side of each day, but finding none. I tried to think of how many days I had left to stand this insanity, to stand this constant meaningless living.
You see, I was particularly attractive, (a colorless "pretty girl" boy). There was no one in the world for me. I wasn't particularly intelligent, I didn't get the best marks in my class by a long shot; I mostly struggled with school trying to keep up the pace. I didn't have any athletic ability; I was too weak for any of that. My bones would break from even the slightest glance from one of the football or baseball players. I didn't have a lot of friends, just Yugi, Joey, Tristan, and Tèa. No one else really wanted to pay attention to a quiet child like me. Thus, I had no real future. There was nothing that really kept me happy in this world. Nothing for me to want to stay here for. The thought of suicide came naturally to me, (not romantically or dramatically or even nervously). It was just there, blatantly and obviously. Like, cause and effect.
Although, I did try to keep my mind off it and everything that tempted me, (the knives in my kitchen drawer, the gun in my father's closet, the bridge on the side of the freeway, the many belts my father and I owned). I tried to be happy. But there was nothing…
I lie to you. There was one thing. Seto Kaiba.
I saw him in school every day. We shared only one class: Chemistry. I had the most difficult time with chemistry, it was all but impossible for a simple mind like mine. Yet Kaiba was up there getting over a hundred on every test thrown his way, the perfect answer to any and every question, as if he'd already taken the class in a past life. How I envied him, in different ways than one, I'll admit.
Sometimes I took to day dreaming about him coming down to me and sweeping me off me feet with those delicate and graceful hands of his to take me into another world, a happier one where we could be together forever and he would just hold me by the side of some lake. No fear. No Spirit. No pain.
Sometimes all it took was a glance at him to set me off. Just one look at that impossibly sound body, even if it was merely at the back of his head and my body reacted. My groin burned with desire, the hair on my arms stood on edge, my stomach felt light and airy like I had to catch it before it left my body completely, my breathing became ragged, and my skin became extremely sensitive to the touch.
When this happened I had to squeeze my eyes shut and I took to hugging myself around the stomach while thinking about something painful. It usually worked, but I would have to avoid Kaiba's glance or even the sight of him for the rest of the day.
I hate admitting this. Sometimes at the end of the school day I would take to following him at a distance despite the effect he had on my unruly body. I would follow him to his locker, (standing discreetly behind one of the open doors to a classroom), and out of the school as he left for his office at a brisk walk. When he stayed after school to work at the library I would follow him there and watch him hopelessly from behind the thickest dictionary I could find as his fingers typed relentlessly and swiftly on the laptop or his hand wrote out something on a piece of homework in keen penmanship. I loved looking into his eyes. For once they weren't fixated on me so I could look at them without becoming the nervous mouse I usually did.
I learned a lot from him on those trips, (stalking trips, to be exact). Even though he could not have known me, I was taught so much about him. The way he liked his hair to be placed when he wrote, the fact that he left-handed, how many times he checked his voice-mail when he worked on his lap-top, (approximately 5 times every twenty minutes). It was almost creepy how much I learned. But it gave me a thrill, it gave me more to think about as I lay in bed. It made me put down the knife I held contemplatively in my hand every evening in the darkness and solitude of my empty house, (nothing to accompany me but the loud ticking of my living room clock).
As far as anyone noticing me in my obsession, none did. Except for once when Yugi and Tèa had been working on something in the library and they came over to me during my vigil as I intently stared, and said congenially, "Hey, Ryou!"
I had jumped of course and hid my face between the dusty pages of the dictionary and hoped that they would go away. But of course they did not.
"What's up, Ryou?" they asked brightly.
Slowly, I turned around and looked at them over my shoulder. "H-hello, Yugi, Tèa. How are you two doing?" I was trying to act natural. Normal. Fine.
"Great! We're just here to do some extra studying for that history test tomorrow. Mid-terms, you know."
I forced a smirk. It came out demented. "Yeah…heh…"
Tèa moved over and sat down in front of me, Yugi joined her. "So what's up with you lately, Ryou? You haven't been around a lot. Studying?"
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Seto leave. My heart sighed. "Oh…yeah…" I said, not exactly sure what I was answering.
"It's such a pain, isn't it?"
"Yep." I gestured toward the book I held. Only then did they care to look at it.
"Hey Ryou…why is that dictionary upside down?" Yugi asked slowly.
I looked down at the pages, truly seeing them for the first time. "Oh…I was…practicing reading the words backwards and forwards for my…vocabulary test tomorrow. Teahcer says she wanted us to know it upside down as well as normal, so, well, here I am!" I flashed a would-be innocent smile at them and tried to give a laugh. It came out like a forced whimper. They stared at me and tried to laugh as well, but I could see the confusion and slight fear in their eyes. No I was not acting normally, I knew that. I shouldn't be stringing them along like this anyway. I was such a horrible person…
"Well…" I said, getting up with a rub of the wooden chair on the coarse library carpet. "I should be going. I have a…dentist appoint again. Sorry!" I turned away from their flustered faces and shouted over my back, "Nice talking to you, though!"
I was always so polite to Yugi and his friends. I knew that if I wasn't, they would dump me. There was nothing to keep their friendship with me without the politeness. That was a fact that I knew very well.
I remained in this stalker-stage for a short time. I didn't know how long I would have kept it up on my own, but, as always, Seto Kaiba intervened. (What else could I expect? He was the object of my obsession).
I was at my locker one morning, preparing for another day at school, another day of confusing algebra equations, complex compositions, and impossible chemistry calculations.
When I closed the door I felt a presence standing in its place. I looked and saw that Seto Kaiba was standing right next to me, not three feet away.
I jumped and moved back, a blush on my face.
He smirked. "Ryou Bakura, yes?"
I nodded, trying to slow my heart and not concentrate on his evil-looking eyes.
He handed me a piece of folded paper and walked away without another word. I managed not to look at his figure from behind, but failed miserably of course.
My breathing was irregular again. I felt the painless palpitation in my heart. The school needed to install some sort of air conditioning…it was way too hot in here for the middle of fall.
I chanced opening the note before making my way to the classroom. In perfect cursive the note's message was simple: The alleyway between Fancy Feet shoe store and the 56th and Janet apartment building. 9:00 p.m., Friday the 18th of March. I'll wait for three hours.
My state of unnerve did not lessen after reading this note. I would have to meet him in that alleyway on Friday—three days from now—to do…what exactly? What was Seto Kaiba planning for me on this night? I was almost scared. I would probably never gather enough strength to actually go to this…it was crazy.
Yet, three nights of staring in hesitation at the rafters in my mother's large bedroom with a sturdy leather belt in my hand found me in the alleyway between Fancy Feet and the apartment on 56th and Janet at 8:42 p.m.
The street lamp gave off dirty yellow light and the rancid smell you get of garbage water and waste in the street reached my nose. It was your typical alleyway, nothing unusual about it. Nervously, (an immaculate white figure standing in such a dreary place might have seemed ironic to a passerby), I paced the short amount of street and sidewalk wondering why Kaiba had chosen this particular alleyway. What was so special about? What did he have planned for me anyway? What was going on here?
At 9:00 on the dot Kaiba arrived in a black trench coat and a black turtleneck with matching black pants. I immediately felt self-conscious when I realized that I was wearing a pale blue-almost white shirt with stainless white pants.
Seto Kaiba stood before me looking ever more striking shrouded in completely black. His features, (and of course eyes), were very fair so they reflected the darkness nicely. Maybe that's what drew me to him in the first place, the clashing of white on black—his vengefulness and bleak mystery with my virginal purity.
He seemed surprised to find I had beaten him to coming here. "You came. I didn't expect you to. I thought you might have been afraid of me." He added a smirk to the end of this.
I felt the Seto-symptoms returning to me. I knew my eyes were widening and I was probably blushing already. Did he notice my hyperventilating?
"I…I am not afraid of you."
He looked like he didn't believe me. "Of course not," he said in a bare whisper, setting my skin on nerves.
He began walking over to me. Well, I guess…it wasn't really "walking"…it was more like sauntering. I looked away so as not to focus on the way his hips moved when he sauntered.
When he reached me, he held onto my shoulders with both hands. It seemed like an odd gesture, but it had the same effect on me as the other times he offered to touch me. I felt embarrassed, and like the temperature was way too warm.
I wasn't looking at him. Then one of the hands moved away from my left shoulder and touched the bottom of my chin ever so slightly. It was the first skin on skin contact he had ever given me. I shuddered involuntarily.
Kaiba forced me to look at him in the eyes. I became suddenly very nervous, staring into those beautiful, magical, wonderful azure eyes. He was looking into my very soul I was sure.
"I know you've been following me around school, Ryou Bakura. I have keen senses. If there is something you've wanted to say to me, now would be the perfect time." His voice was using that whisper-like tone, and the words washed over me like silk over naked flesh. I felt the caress of his breath and the sweet smell of cinnamon, (my favorite smell, how did he know?), entered my nostrils. I wanted to stay in this moment forever, with him whispering things to me…
But I was in the middle of a dirty alleyway. I was ashamed that someone, the worst possible person, had found out about my stalking. And I was with a man that I was not at all worthy to be with. So I tried to maintain focus and say, "There…is nothing…" I was not about to give myself to him like that. Bare my secrets.
"I know there is something, Ryou Bakura…if you won't tell me then I'll be forced to guess." My eyes were closing themselves in pleasure. I wrenched them open again. This was not the time…
"There…there really is nothing…" I managed, my own voice sounding vulnerable and feminine. I hated myself for that voice, as he probably hated me for it.
An eyebrow raised in amusement. I felt my stomach drop. What would he do to me for not telling the truth? "Well, then. I'll be forced to guess."
We waited there for a few more minutes. My chest moved up and down rapidly. We were so close…this was highly improper for two men to be this close…highly improper when one man happened to be extremely sexy and the other happened to be vastly attracted to him.
Then Seto Kaiba made the decision of how he was going to guess. He leaned his face into mine slowly and I felt my eyes close completely. In the darkness, I could feel his soft, sensuous lips rub ever so slightly against mine. It could hardly be called an actual kiss. It was more like a brief touching of lips. But it was enough to make me forget about all the reserve I had had coming into this alleyway. Something inside my chest fell at a high speed and suddenly I became quite pliable indeed.
Kaiba moved his head back after this lip-touching. I noticed that his eyes had been closed, as well. When he opened them slowly and sexily, he asked, "Is that what you wanted to say, Ryou Bakura?"
I hated how he used my full name. So I nodded and told him in a weak, fragile voice, "You can call just me Ryou, if you want."
This sent both eyebrows up. "Very well. If that's the way it is then…" his voice trailed off. He leaned so close to me and wrapped both arms around my waist, pushing my body into his. I suppressed a moan. I could feel the very, very tip of his nose on mine, we were that agonizingly close. "…you can call me Seto."
At the end of this sentence he leaned in all the way and gave me my first real, mutual kiss. I loved the pressure of his face against mine and the way his hands were moving up and down my back as his lips moved. I loved the way I wasn't all that afraid, (for once in my life), and I was able to return the kiss in some kind of way. I loved the way my hands reached under the back of his shirt to ghost over the toned muscles and the bumpy spinal cord that kept so much heavenliness alive. I loved his tongue, massaging mine so delicately.
When the kiss finally broke, I looked into his eyes for once with something that was not fear. Something that was more like…love. I did love this man. This man was my rope of life to this world. Without him, I would have surely ended my existence long before then. In his eyes I saw deep lust, which I guess scared me a little, but I also saw a kindness I had never seen before. He was actually smiling at me. I smiled back, in my most natural smile so different from the ones I gave to Yugi and his friends.
There was only one thing that bothered me. "Why me?" I asked softly.
The smile on his lips disappeared and he let go of me. "Why you?" I was afraid suddenly. Deathly afraid. Had I insulted him? I didn't mean to.
I nodded cautiously.
"Ryou…" He shook his head in disbelief. "Why not you?" I gasped. Was he sincere about this? It was practically crazy talk. There were plenty of reasons to dislike me, and…
Seto began circling slowly, not tauntingly or condescendingly, he just began walking around my body in a steady counter-clockwise circle. He talked and touched as he moved. "You are the purest person I have ever met. Your skin is cream-white." Five fingers ran over the top of my arm, making my inhale sharply. "Your eyes…" He touched my eyelids lightly. "They betray so much innocence. So much untainted knowledge of the world. Your hair…" Behind me I felt him grasp some of it and rub his face in it. A long sound followed as if he was drawing in as much breath as he could from his nostrils. "…like the finest of freshly picked cotton. So soft. So chaste." He moved around to the front of, completing the circle. He ran all ten of his fingers down my chest. I tried not to loose myself in the touch. "And you…so timid and shy. How I long to pry you out of that heavy introversion…"
I was unprepared for the touch he gave me next. His hand wrapped around my very erect nether region, a place where no one but me had ever dared to touch, and squeezed lightly. My eyes widened and I gasped heavily, surprised and aroused at the same time. Seto smirked evilly.
When he let go I was sure I had a deep blush. I didn't like feeling the way he had just made me feel…I couldn't really describe to someone…it's like having to carry a weight with you so often that when someone finally lifts it you feel strange. Oddly naked. And overly vulnerable. That's what I felt like after he did that. I didn't like it. And yet…I felt such an attachment to him. No one else had ever been so forward with me, so intimate. In a strange way…his near-violent advances attracted me greatly. I didn't want to ever have to leave his side. We could just go on living as one single unit. I wanted that.
Since when do I deserve to get what I want? Seto pulled me forward after relishing in his victory and whispered in my ear, "Tomorrow. Same time, same place." He gave me a light kiss on the side of my neck and drew away. Before I could even respond, the man was gone.
I stood in the alleyway with just the sounds of Downtown to keep my company. What had just happened there? Had I been dreaming? Had all these events been merely delusions put forth by a mind so near the brink of insanity? No, I didn't think they were.
Some things in life really are real.
Embarrassment hit me like a rough wave as soon as I took my own advice. I had been so incredibly rash! Actually kissing him back…what was I crazy? Although he did say that the attraction was mutual…I was so confused. I made my way back home, took one seat on my bed and before I knew it I was sound asleep.
Despite all my doubts and confusion, the next night Seto came to me again clad in black with a light in his eyes and burning kisses to console my lonely body. And the next night. And the night after that, as well.
Thus began approximately one full month of our clandestine kiss in the night. That's what I would come to call them, eventually. Kisses of the Night. The odd thing about it was that every single night, both of us showed up. Neither of us could complain about being "stood-up". We both wanted this, it was obvious.
The actions during these nighttime rendezvous never exceeded anything over making out. Seto was content in these kisses it seemed, whereas I ached for something more final, yet quivered in fear at the thought. I wanted to feel him inside of me. I wanted our bodies to be one. I wanted depth. Always something deeper.
The final night of these meeting came after the month was over. At this point, I had begun to loose all track of those weapons of self-harm and, unfortunately, practically all my schoolwork. I felt better, but I so longed for something more.
Then one night Seto came to me, looking as he always did, only there was a certain look in his eye. I believed it to be heavy, ravaging lust. His kisses were hard and had a different feel to them, something that told me he wasn't going to be satisfied with just these kisses. Something…undeniably aphrodisiacal…I gripped onto him as hard as I could; trying to control the reactions his new state induced in me.
Sure enough, after he ripped his mouth away from mine with a deep moan, he told me in my ear, "I need you. Now. I'm going to take you to my home for the night."
So I was whisked away on foot to the Kaiba Mansion, a place I found extravagant but didn't get to enjoy until the morning after for having been quite busy the first night of my stay there. In other words, Seto had me in his bedroom and undressed in practically the blink of an eye.
I'll never forget the velvety feel of his bare flesh against mine as we rubbed and ground ourselves together trying to soothe our throbbing needs. His mouth planting hot coldness on me, all over me, as he kissed me in every place possible, every inch of my skin. The feel of him moving forcefully but not painfully inside of me. The warm feel of his climax and his passionate moans, mixed with my own.
At the end of our first night truly as one, I remember that Seto slid cautiously out of me and lay next to me delicately. I remember squirming into his arms, satisfied sexually but still needing him desperately emotionally. I remember him telling me that he liked the feel of my hair on his chest. I remember laughing and rubbing my hair on him. I remember hearing him laugh. Laugh. He actually laughed that one time. It was short and difficult, but he laughed. I remember thinking that I still didn't deserve this, I probably would never deserve this happiness, but that didn't matter. I just didn't want it to end, ever.
Once again, it would be nice to get what you want sometimes, but you rarely do.
Shortly after this first time, I began noticing that Seto wasn't as passionate as before. He still made love to me every night, but there was something…different. A sort of finality about it. Soon he would spend all his time at the office and not give me any attention in nights. Eventually, these rare nights of chastity became weekly events.
When we had sex, it was over too quickly. After the climax Seto would crawl off me, get dressed, give me a kiss, and go down to work. I was left alone, still needing the emotional attachment he gave me, with no one but myself in a bed too big for one. The pain he gave me with that one dismissive kiss was more than all the pain I had ever felt with the Spirit.
I cried so much. Was that…all I ever was to him? A sex toy? A meaningless one night stand? Just one good lay, in, out and over? Was this…truly possible? Did he…not love me?
I didn't have to ask him. I knew. I knew that he did not love me. A man like Seto Kaiba never could. It wasn't in his nature. It wasn't in his perfection scheme. It wasn't him.
Oh why did this always happen to me…I feel in love too easily. First with Joey, now with Seto. But with Joey I had forced him. Then…horrible thoughts coursed through me. Had I forced Seto, too? Had he become threatened by my forwardness when he found out I was stalking him? Did this drive him to finally give into me, unwillingly? Had I forced the love of my life?
I began to loose all the mental composure my love affair with Seto had regained me. The thoughts of the belts and the knives and the bridges returned. Finally, on one night of true sorrow and desperate loneliness, unable to bare such frustration, I made up my mind. The next night. Life wasn't meant to be this painful.
After wiping the endless tears from my face, (tears that came without cease all the time, unexpectedly), the night after my decision, I found a pad and pencil. Daring beyond all previous nights, I walked into Seto's home office. Of course he was not there, he was at Kaiba Corp. working late into he night as always. The room was dark (it was at least 1:00 in the morning), but I was careful. I made my way to the laptop he kept on his desk and stuck the post-it right in the middle of the screen. It said one word, a simple enough message, one that I did not know when he find, if he even cared: Bridge.
And so, here I am. Standing here on the bridge, waiting to end this life of suffering.
The breeze between my legs and the vertigo of being so high up create finality in the act I'm about to commit. My arms are spread out as if I am about to take off and fly, (if only, if only). I look down beneath me and see the raging storm of the sea. My near future.
I sigh. Seto Kaiba…this is not your fault. Only mine. You're the one that gave me peace, it's not your fault.
For the middle of May, the ocean below me seems pretty rough. But deep. The ocean below me is deep. It's like how I wanted my relationship with Seto to be. I wanted it to be deep, meaningful; full of compassion, understanding, and true feelings.
But I was nothing to him…
Oh who the hell was I kidding, anyway? I had practically raped him. It wasn't like he should have anything to do with me at all. How could I expect love? People don't really fall in love with their rapists. Love just has to happen. It can't be forced.
I hate myself so much. I ruin everything. Seto would be happy when he found me dead the next morning. I picture him smiling to himself at my funeral.
My funeral…Yugi and his friends would be there. Relieved that the burden of their long lost "friend" was finally gone. Good for you, Yugi. At least you won't have the evil Sprit to bother you, and a colorless, dull boy who has no depth to define him. My parents? Would they be there? Only if it fit into their schedule of business plans and adult-only hunting trips to Africa. I picture my father shooting an elephant on the plain as they lay the coffin in the ground. The vision amuses me momentarily and then I find myself very sad.
I force myself to stop these thoughts and concentrate on the task at hand. None of it could happen without this. So I stop all thought.
Just as I feel myself begin to fall, I hear in the background, "Ryou!" in a trademark gravelly voice.
I open my eyes to see Seto running at me, trench coat whipping behind him in the dark. His eyes are wide. There is no fear there, just wideness. It makes me happy to see him come to me, but I don't want to cause him anymore hate and pain than I already have. Damn me for being so cruel to him.
"Seto…" I know my lips are smiling but I don't really feel it.
"Ryou. Ryou, don't do this." He holds out a hand. "Ryou, I want to talk. Why are you…just…" I see him struggle with the words. It scares me. Seto never looses it. "…come here, now Ryou. Please." I hear the word please. It scares me even more. Why is he begging me?
I don't want him to hurt anymore. I give him my best smile, a strangely genuine smile. "Seto…I love you…"
I turn back to the edge of the bridge.
And suddenly I'm falling. The wind envelops me as I plummet from the bridge picking up speed rapidly. It feels weird being in the air. But I only feel it for a second. And then the coldness of the water. The freezing water…I'm moving through it, it's covering me…I'm moving so fast…I can't breathe…
But I don't' struggle with the current. I let it take me. I let myself die.
Seto Kaiba…I love you…
Seto Kaiba is running. It's late outside, past 1:00 already, and if anyone were to look out their windows, they would see Seto Kaiba running across the street in quiet an un-Ceo-like manner.
He's headed for the bridge. When he came home that night to walk into his other office, he found the note. It seemed so odd, like anyone could have written it, but he knew Ryou's handwriting.
He cursed himself inside. Was Ryou about to commit suicide? It was so…
Expected. Inside again he cursed himself. He had seen the look in Ryou's face lately. The boy was depressed. Of course he would try something different.
Why hadn't he done anything about it? He had been busy at work a lot lately, for a month now, he had gradually had to cut down his time with Ryou. That was hard enough for him. He hated leaving his lover's side…but work always came first. He wished he could have explained that to Ryou. But he hadn't. Why not? Any reasoning he had once presented to himself seemed foolish now that Ryou was in the middle of a culmination of his grief.
Finally, Seto Kaiba reached the bridge. He saw a white figure standing on the bridge with his arms spread out as far apart as they could get. "Ryou!" He yelled involuntarily.
The figure turns and the bottomless gray eyes of his lover met him, a shadow of their normal arousing effect on him appearing and becoming perverted in the current situation. He vaguely hears his name being called.
Seto Kaiba feels panic in him. He needed to get Ryou down from there. Now!
"Ryou. Ryou, don't do this." He doesn't want to make him nervous so he keeps a distance. But he holds out his left arm, trying in vain to reach his lover, whom he now realizes was dying all along in his arms before. A sickness washes over him.
"Ryou, I want to talk. Why are you…just…" He doesn't know what he's saying now. He's rambling. What is he saying? It's all so meaningless…he feels the panic rise in him. He's not helping.
A deep breath. One memory of composure and he's ready for this. "Come here, now, Ryou." He uses the word. The word that hasn't graced his tongue since the dark days of his childhood. "Please."
His lover speaks. A pain is in those lovely eyes when he says, "Seto…I love you…"
And then he's gone.
"Ryou, wait, I—.."
It seems like he fell, but Seto knows better. He runs over to the side of the bridge screaming his lover's name and foolishly stretching a hand where his lover's body had been not a moment before.
His lover's body. He had reached the side just in time to see the white body crash into the water. It bobs up and down for a while before the current of the windy sea pushes him out of view completely.
He's gone. Really.
"Love you." Seto completes his earlier sentence, quite meaninglessly.
And the scariest part is that he really did. This boy that had just thrown himself off a bridge had been one of the deepest people he had ever met. In his own way. He had been all Seto could ask for, all he wanted. The emotions he had suffered over him were so passionate…Seto barely recognized him.
Maybe unconsciously he had pushed his lover away over this fear. He knew that was the truth. Of course, work had been hell…but hadn't he been happy because it gave him an excuse not to be with Ryou? An excuse not to have to face these emotions?
Seto feels sick. He feels the tears run down his face in silence, he feels himself slide down the side into an awkward sitting position.
Ryou's dead. An unfamiliar pain burns within Seto. He's really dead.
Why hadn't he talked to him? Ryou hated talking. He would never submit to it. Seto sighed. But he could have forced him to…
But all that is over now. Ryou is dead. His love is dead.
Seto Kaiba wipes his face of all tears. In the distance, he can hear sirens of an ambulance he had foolishly called on his way over here in panic. It was too late now.
Seto Kaiba stands up tall, putting on an emotionless face for the police. He prepares to tell them that it was all over now. That they would find the body in the morning on the beach He prepares to make arrangements for a funeral. No one else would.
He sighs and takes one last look over the edge.
"This death is on your hands, Seto Kaiba," he says to himself. Then he turns away and with a whip of his coat, he is gone, too.
Seto Kaiba turns away from the incident with Ryou Bakura, truly a human being full of flaws. Secret flaws. If he covers them enough, no one will notice. If he covers them enough, Ryou will disappear. And the pain he brought with him.
A/N: Thanks for giving it a try, everyone! I know it was long…please tell me not boring…oh please…
Well, anyway, not bad for my first SetoxRyou, right? Sorry for the OOC-ness…wow…that was horrible, wasn't it? But I just tried to give them all what I thought they would be like. It night have been a little unbelievable, I guess. But that's me, heh…oh sorry.
I hope you do review, I want to know what the general people think. Thanks you guys, until next time. Hopefully chapter four will be out sometime soon…