Author: I feel like writing. So that's what I'll do. Oh and incase you were wondering from the last installment of "Fairy Tales" I do not own Labyrinth, nor do I own David Bowie…although I really wish I could…
"So, how can we get her family back?
"oh like I'm gonna tell you." spat the fairy
"Please? I'm really hungry and all I know how to make is instant ramen, and we ran out last night!" pleaded Catty.
"And I care how?"
"If you don't help me I'll…I'll…" she grabbed a flyswatter "Squash you flat!"
"Okay! Okay, All you have to do is-"
"All you have to do is…um…uh…yah know what?" she cocked her head and smiled bashfully "I don't really remember."
"WHAT!" both the cat and the girl yelled.
"HOW COULD YOU FORGET!" Catty yelled
"NOT ONLY DO YOU HAVE THE BODY OF THE FLY, BUT THE BRAIN AS WELL!" screeched moonshine.
"PLEASE! STOP YELLING!" the fairy screamed holding her ears. "I'll remember it in a second. It has something to do with pickles, or onions or umm…something."
"Whatever." said Catty plopping in front of the TV "You think, I'm gonna watch television."
She turned on the boob toob to the anime show that everyone knows. "It's okay Sailor Moon all you have to do is believe in yourself!" "Yeah Sailor Moon, you can do it." "Remember Sailor Moon, you have to succeed or else all of history will be messed up, and we all will die!" encouraged assorted Sailor Scouts
"YOU CAN DO IT SAILOR MOON! I BELIEVE IN YOU!" screamed Catty at the top of her lungs.
"oh yeah! Now I remember." said the fairy rising into the air
"Really? What is it. I have been encouraged by the wonderfulness that is Sailor Moon and I will save my family!" Catty yelled, striking a pose.
"yeah. Weirdo." muttered the cat "how the hell did I come into this cracked up story?"
"Well it's quite simple." started the winged creature "What you do is go into the book and keep your siblings from messing up the story. You have to make the fairy tale go back to the way it was before your siblings were there."
"question." said Catty raising her hand "um is the story the Disney version or the old scary everyone's-evil-so-don't-trust-them version?"
"middle story, happy ending cooler middle." replied the fairy
"Okay, well that seems easy, how do I get in the book?"
"Simple: make a wish."
"Ooooh. Umi's sleeping beauty? Cool." said Catty looking up at the title floating in mid air. "I suppose the best thing is to stalk Umi and make sure she doesn't mess up." No sooner had she spoken those words was she transported to a ballroom. "oooooohhhh. Pretty dresses." She saw all of her sisters lined up in front of a cradle of what was supposed to be baby Umi.
The first in line was who she recognized as her sisters Silent Bobby and Mimi. "uh-oh, I better make sure they stay on scrip." First thing she noticed: Bobby was smoking. "GRR you wont mess up my story with your filthy habit. She jumped and grabbed the nicotine filled stick and rolled, ending up hiding behind a curtain. Bobby looked around bewilderedly looking for the higher power that had snatched her addiction.
"So, what gift do you wish to bestow on my child?" asked Gwenafar.
Bobby poked Mimi and glanced at the Queen "We bestow upon Umi the gift of Silence."
Before she could raise her wand Catty poked her from behind the curtain "I am the ghost of Christmas Past and I say the gift you wish to bestow is Obedience." she said in a ghosty voice.
"Must obey Ghost of Christmas past. We bestow the gift of Obedience." said Mimi.
The next in line was Mina. She walked up to the baby and said "Your gift is like, the gift of good fashion sense!"
"Beauty you imbecile! The gift of beauty!" hissed Catty
"Oh yeah, what I meant was like, you'll be beautiful, like totally!"
The last fairy/sister was Shorty. "I bestow upon you-"
Before the fairy could finish a flying fiend fought with frightening force to the front of the family forum (translated: Setsuna cut in.)
"You dared to not invite me to this christening? I will curse your baby for your impudence!" She cackled "When your daughter turns 16 she will prick her finger on a pickle and die!"
Murmurs ran threw the crowd "Pickle? that's not very sharp." "How is she supposed to die from a pickle."
"Hey, pst. Say spinning needle instead of pickle." said Catty shaking her head at the idiocy.
"Okay, a pickle is more menacing but whatever. Your daughter will prick her finger on a spinning needle and die!" thunder cracked in the background and the evil fairy disappeared.
"Oh no! what shall we do?" cried the mother
"gee, I guess now would be a bad time to mention that I'm a spinning wheel salesman wouldn't it?" asked Shorty
"Just say that instead of dying the little girl will fall asleep for a hundred years until her love the Prince comes an awakes her with a kiss. I'm too old for this shit." said Catty.
"Okay, instead of dying the little girl will fall asleep for a hundred years until her love the Prince comes an awakes her with a kiss. I'm too old for this shit." repeated Shorty
So as is the way in fairy tales time sped up until the next time something interesting happened aka the princesses sixteenth birthday.
Catty finished lugging in the 1026th spinning wheel into the castle. They littered the place, filling up every ounce of space. She dusted off her hands "Okay no fucking way my family can mess this up." Although this was just a safety precaution, the letter she sent to Setsuna, telling her to lure Umi up to the top room of the highest tower and make her prick her finger was the real deal, but who knows what could happen?
She saw Setsuna coming down the stairs "What the hell are you doing? What if someone sees you." Catty hissed.
"I'm luring the girl, whoa, do you have an obsession with spinning or something? I've never seen so many spinning wheels."
"You go back to the room. I'll go get Umi." Catty said
"But I just got down! Do you know how many stairs it takes to get to the top room of the tallest tower, couldn't we just do it down here, there are plenty of spinning wheels."
"No! Now get your ass up there NOW!"
As Setsuna scurried off, Catty went to Umi's room "Yo! Umi come here I have something to show you."
By the time they got to the top room of the tallest tower Catty herself was wondering why they even had the top room in the tallest tower. That was a lot of steps. Catty pushed Umi through the door and closed it behind the princess. When she heard a thump she opened the door to see Umi fast asleep.
So one hundred years passed. The whole castle was preserved and sleeping. Rose bushes grew over the castle. Many people died trying to get to the legendary Sleeping Beauty. Why they didn't take a blowtorch to the plants I don't know, but obviously they weren't very smart. And the bodies really stunk come summer time too.
"What is taking that Prince so long, he was supposed to be here an hour ago", muttered Catty standing in front of the roses.
No sooner had the words left her mouth than did her brother Yota appear (good god these people have weird names.) "Hey, does Sleeping Umi live here?" he asked.
"Yeah. Just a minuet." Catty pulled out a container of pesticide. "follow me." she sprayed the plant killer and every rose it touched died and withered away. The Roses were hurt that anyone would do that to them, so they decided to run away, leaving the pathway clear.
They walked to the castle and went through the door "Are all these people dead?" asked Prince Yota
"No, just asleep."
Soon they came to Sleeping Umi's room. They walked in and saw her still asleep. The Prince took off his back pack and started unloading stuff. There was a bucket of cold water, an alarm clock, feather, drum set and bell.
"What is that stuff for?" asked Catty
"I'm gonna try and wake her up."
"Dude, just kiss her, she'll wake up."
"Really?" he looked skeptical but when Catty nodded he went over to Umi's bedside. He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. Umi's eyes fluttered and she sat up for the first time in many, many years. The whole castle woke up and they had a wedding. Prince Yota and Princess Umi lived together from then on out, happily ever after.
A vortex appeared and swiped them up. They were transported to Little Red Raye and the Kitsune Youko who were holding hands and walking through the forest. They were replaced with Little Red Riding Hood running from the wolf
Cinderamy and her Hotdog Prince were eating hotdogs one moment and the next Cinderella and Prince Charming were dancing at the ball
An empty pack of cigarettes were changed into an empty matchbook.
'Here am I, little jumping Joan' 'Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum prepared to have a battle' 'Dame Trot and her cat' 'Rain rain go away' 'Little Boy Blue' and 'Little Bo Peep' were all returned to their original boring text
Pheo and Nix were interrupted from stuffing their faces with gingerbread by Hansel and Grettle hugging their parents.
And lastly Snow Bunny and Hiei stopped their rampage so Snow White and her Prince charming could finally have their wedding.
Catty closed the book as she and her family were returned to their own world. "Oh my god Fairy Tales suck, I don't know why I ever wanted to be in them."
All of her family was looking at her with murder in their eyes "You don't even know the half of it, you try being the wicked step mother in ALL the stories." said Setsuna.
"You disobeyed me by stealing that book." chastised her father.
"And you know we are not the kind of family that believes in life lessons so don't you dare say, at least we all learned a life lesson." continued her mother.
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!"
"You know that everything in the basement is corrupted by hell!" Bunny pointed out.
"You are doing all the chores for a week young lady, you wanted to be in a Fairy Tale, well you can be Cinderella!"
"Want me to make them forget it ever happened?" whispered Drusilla the Fairy.
Drusilla waved her wand and the yelling stopped. "Wait. What happened."
"Oh my, look at the time I have to go cook dinner."
"Oh don't even talk about food I'm stuffed, I feel like that time at Halloween I puked from eating too much candy."
"Why do I feel like scrubbing ashes out of the fireplace, do we even have a fireplace?"
"Hiei, did I ever tell you your really short?" "You are too Bunny." "oh yeah."
Everyone filed out of Catty's room, all of them puzzling over one question: What happens after Happily ever after?
Author: I know, corny ending, but I was having a hard time rapping it up and I needed to make this announcement.
Setsuna: cause she has no life
Author: right, I want to make a new story and I was wondering what it should be about and I thought, maybe I should ask the people who will read my story, my adoring readers!
Setsuna: cause she loves you guys so much
Author: Exactly. So I have some suggestions:
1) a story from my file entitled: Stories I Wrote A Long Time Ago Before I Knew What Was
2) A story made up entirely of one shots including 'a story about riders block' 'Yummy Gum' and 'Lemon Lime'
3) All of the deleted scenes and gag reels from previous stories including what Setsuna really did in Yusuke's room in Violence, Booze and too much Family.
4) A story that you want me to write. It could be one without my Oc's, one for any anime, show, book etc (though it may be nice if I actually know said anime, show, book etc) It could be humorous, angst, romantic, Yaoi, shonen-ai, full of Lemony Goodness or whatever. Whatever you want, I'll write it. You just tell me
Setsuna: your beloved author will pick whatever suggestion she feels like will be easiest and most fun for you and if you DON'T give a suggestion she'll come out and strangle you
Author: No, I wont I'll just probably pout for a while and complain and then I'll ask random people on the street what kind of fic I should write. So blame them if my next story makes me sound like I'm on crack. Thank you for reading Fair Tales told by the Hellsing Family!