Feeling Helpless

Author: The Main Slayer
Timeline: takes place after Buffy and Angel's one night together
Summary: Angelus discovers that he is not the only one with feelings towards the Slayer
Disclaimer: I don't own a damn thing.
Rating: K+
This story is copyright to me.

I stare down at her. She is so fragile, so young. I'm not sure what to make of it. Just a few hours ago I was in her arms and now I am contemplating killing her. I watch as air enters her lungs and then leaves in the same manner. I watch as she moves in her sleep tossing from one side to the other. For an instant I wonder what she is dreaming about. Is she dreaming about the previous night? Is she thinking of him? With these thoughts I leave the room. I can't be with her. She would never accept me. The only thing left to do now is to make her life just as miserable as mine. If I can't be with her, then she will suffer the loss and I do. I leave the room. I open the front door and I walk back out into the rain. Leaving the sleeping Slayer to her dreams.

The days to follow were what I had planned. I torment her; play mind games; send her obscure gifts. Every day I see the strain in her features; I see the hatred that has begun to develop. She is tired. She is weak and she knows that I am getting to her. I take little comfort in this. I thought the pain that I would be inflicting would make me happy; would make me forget what I fell. But seeing her in pain and crying herself to sleep at night only makes me hurt more. Makes me feel more emotions that I am trying so hard to repress. I don't want to feel this way; I don't want to sneak into her room at night and watch as she sleeps restlessly. I don't want to love her. I never asked for it; I didn't want it. It's his entire fault. He had to fall for her; he had to make me see what he saw; he had to make me feel. This night was different. I crept into her room as I usually do. I sit in her big armchair in the corner and pick up her stuffed pig known as Mr. Gordo. I hold the animal as I watch her. She moves constantly at night; as if she knows I am there, watching. Tonight she moves more than usual. I watch as tears begin to flood her eyes; I listen, as she cry's his name. I move to her bed; this crying has to stop. I sit at the end of the bed as I continue to watch the Slayer in pain. It comes to a point where I can no longer take the tears and cries out for love. Salty tears sting my own eyes. I bat them away and move away to the window. As I am about to leave, I hear a soft moan escape her lips. I turn back to the sleeping beauty and walk towards her. I climb up on the bed and lay down beside her. She doesn't know I'm here. She never does. I place my arms around her and pull her towards me. I soon find that I am drifting off to sleep. My mind begins to race with thoughts of the Slayer. With thoughts of making love to her; of holding her while she cries; of making her laugh; of making her smile; of just being with her in a different life where there are no vampires and no evil. These images dance in my head for hours. I am deluding myself. Pretending to be someone I am not; pretending that I am not evil; that I can love her the way she deserves. Soon I wake. I realize that I have been there almost all night. Suddenly I am disgusted with myself. I am a vampire; I don't love anything. I get up and leave. I race back to the Mansion where the awaiting Drusilla and Spike are. They would ask where I was, so on the way I kill a family of four waiting in their driveway. When I get back to them, it is games as usual.

For weeks I torment the woman that makes me feel. That makes me feel so helpless. Ever since that night I have stopped seeing her. I sleep alone in a large bed where there is nothing but the cold. I watch her at a distance now. Never getting too close. I avoid her; I just watch. When I see her I am helpless. I don't know what is real and what isn't. I just see someone who even though I have no soul, loves me. Why I will never know; I don't want to know. I remember this one night when I was alone only with my own comfort. I dreamt of her. I dreamt of a small home in Ireland with a white fence. Two large Great Danes in the back yard a jungle gym two small children play in the back with the large animals. There is a BBQ. I am standing in front of it making dinner for a family that will never exist. The sliding glass door opens and there she is the Slayer, Buffy. She comes out with a tray of lemonade for the boys and a Rum and Coke for me. She walks up to me and puts her arms around me and whispers 'I love you.' Then I wake up. To a different world; one where she is afraid of me; where her friends want me dead; where I am dead. After that dream I went out and killed. I had to get the dream out of my head; I had to make the images stop. These feelings must stop.

A few days before the shipment of Acathla, I contemplated killing myself. Thought 'If I were no longer in the world then she wouldn't have to suffer. I wouldn't make her feel anymore pain. It would all be over.' But I don't. I learn that Willow can do the curse. Can make me who I was. For a long time I thought of just letting them restore my soul so I could be with Buffy like it was; then I think of how much fun I am having without that soulful idiot dragging me down. The night before my attacking on the Watcher and her friends, I went to Buffy's house. I watched her one final time. I couldn't let it happen. I had to end the world. If the world was hell, she would have no choice but to accept me the way I was now to be with me forever as my mate. That final night I thought of turning her. Making her mine forever. She was so beautiful. So peaceful as she slept as she dreamt. By now her dreams of me and our love had faded to dreams of hatred and death. She wanted to kill me and she would try. That is why I must turn her. But as I watched her sleep I couldn't bring myself to destroy something so beautiful. I left her room and I left her life. This was a war and now I had to win it.

I don't know why to this day why I love her. I have no feelings; I have no intention of loving anything; but for some reason when I see her I love her. When the soul was returned she had her lover back. She had her Angel. And I was left in the locked chamber where I was put 100 years earlier. I watch from my chamber as the Slayer kisses him. As she says her goodbye. I wish at that same moment that I were out there. That I was the one she was kissing; that I was the one she was sending to hell. The sword pierces the heart. I can feel it too; it is justice to all the evil that I have committed. I could never be with her; I know that now. But it was fun to think it; it was fun to imagine it. Now I am spending eternity in hell where I belong. I still think of her to this day; I think of how she made me feel; of how she made me rethink my life. She was the only human in history to make Angelus feel helpless.