Feeling Conflicted

Written by: The Main Slayer
Timeline: takes place after Buffy's one night stand with Parker in Season 4; Buffy's POV
Rating: K+ (course language)
Disclaimer: I own nothing; Joss Whedon is god

Dear Diary,

I have never felt more stupid in my entire life. Is there a reason why I attract the worst men in the world? Is it me? Is there something wrong with me? I suppose I should give you the scenario:

I met this guy; after Angel left, I never thought that I would be able to feel anything for anyone. I felt emotionally cut off; emotional unstable. I felt so lost after Angel left, I suppose I was lonely. I met Parker, he was really sweet, genuine and not pushy. I really thought that he was interested in me; that he felt I was special and that I was lovable. He made me feel that no matter what, I was still able to feel and love. So, Buffy being Buffy, I made the decision to sleep with him. That night he was so sweet and understanding; it was like he knew me, understood me. So I made a decision; apparently a stupid decision. I woke up alone, which is not uncommon for me considering what happened with Angel, only to have found out that everything he had said to me was a lie. For days I waited for a call that was never going to come. I ended up seeing him with another girl; are all men assholes?

So here I sit, with my book in my hands, and I have no idea what to write. I feel so lost and alone; I feel like my world is coming crashing down around me and there is no way to stop it. I have faced the worst and most vile things in the world, I killed the love of my life, but this one person seems to have hurt me more than I ever would have expected. I gave something to him; I gave him something that I thought was gone forever. Now I realize that it's not safe to open up to anyone because all that is going to happen is heartbreak.

I think the worst part is that I don't hate him; I should hate him. I should loathe and despise him for using me and throwing me away like some piece of yesterday's trash, but I don't. Sometimes I wonder, did I do this to myself? Do I bring it on myself? I have a tendency to set myself up and then I fall down. I think the best way to describe how I'm feeling is...conflicted. My heart is telling me one thing; telling me that you are broken and will never be fixed. The other part of me, my mind I suppose, is telling me that it was one perfect night between two strangers who needed something from one another. There is nothing wrong with being with someone for a night of complete human contact. So why do I feel so dirty? Why do I feel so used?

I guess this is what rebound feels like...maybe I'll never be able to love again, or feel again. Maybe I'll always be broken...