Okay. So we haven't updated since about the Ides of March. We get it. We're crackwhores. (Minus, of course, the crack and the whore part….) Anyway, we can't possibly tell you how much we appreciate all your kind words and support. The story would not exist without you. So. Without further ado, we present chapter ten: "Chronicles of the Closet." And by the way, to floro13—this one's for you, babe.
"Chronicles of the Closet"
Remus woke up after a wonderful night's sleep to the lovely scene of sunlight streaming through his window, and the warm form of a softly breathing Tonks next to him. In that one moment everything was right with the world. Remus closed his eyes and relaxed, savoring the moment. This turned out to be a very bad idea as the moment of zen was shattered shortly thereafter with the arrival of Sirius and a rather large bucket of ice water. Five seconds later with a cackling Sirius, a sopping wet and screaming Tonks and a waterlogged and rather chilly bed, Remus was somewhat less satisfied with the world.
"YOU FUCKING BITCH! I AM GOING TO CASTRATE YOU! I'VE BEEN THREATENING FOR YEARS AND THIS IS THE LAST STRAW! YOU STUPID BLOODY MANGY –"
"And good morning to you too Nymphie, apologies if I interrupted a nice dream." Sirius gave Remus a blatant wink and received twin glares in response.
"Breakfast time, my dear love birds! We want to get an early start."
"Why? Where are we going?" Remus grumbled having finally disentangled himself from the wet sheets and was currently holding Tonks back from killing her cousin.
"Ugh. You people don't seem to remember anything in the morning. We're going to make Remus over, remember? I can't have Moony Dearest being so self- conscious anymore."
"I am not."
"Please don't." Tonks had finally given up trying to remove her cousin's reproductive organs and was now slumped in Remus' arms, having made no attempt to detatch herself; his grip around her was still quite firm.
"Come on Moony. I'm bored and rich, and you need clothes."
"I didn't think it possible, but you just successfully made this much less appealing."
"Oh come on….please?"
"Only if you promise to leave us alone for an entire day."
Sirus grinned mischievously
"All right, fine. I'll go on your little shopping spree."
"YES! I love to burn my parents' carefully hoarded cash!"
"What is wrong with him?" Tonks asked as they followed Sirius down to the kitchen for coffee and toast.
An hour later or so, when Tonks and Remus had yet again, nervously and awkwardly bathed and changed and the bed had been dried off, they prepared to set out for Diagon Alley.
"Uh….how ARE you going to come with us?"
"Snuffles, how else?"
"Dog form, dumbass."
"It's a long story."
"What happened to Padfoot?"
"I want to hear this one."
"Damn. I'll stick with Padfoot then?"
"I can't believe you are loserly enough to say righto."
"I think it's cute."
"Shut up, Tonks."
Not long after, Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks were seen walking down Diagon alley hand in hand… with a large black dog in tow. No one questioned them when they went to a vault in Gringotts after the dog had supplied the key. Nor when they let the dog drag them into the most fashionable stores on the street, or when said dog would pant and wag its tail at some items and bark at others as if it had a fashion sense…
"I dunno Padfoot, it's a little…vibrant."
The dog barked angrily, and nudged the witch standing next to him. Tonks jumped.
"Hey! Paws off!"
The dog grumbled.
"Bad pun Tonks," Remus muttered. She grinned back toothily.
"He's being stupid. I think I have a right to be as much of an ASS as he is."
"Agh! Enough of the animal references."
"Well sooorry. Ook! How about this?"
The dog made the distinct sound of barfing.
"Oh come on, orange and green striped isn't that bad."
The dog apparently disagreed, and attempted yet again to shove a pair of leather pants into Remus' hands. Remus looked down.
"WHAT? NO! Bad dog, very, very bad dog!"
Padfoot wagged his tail and promptly bought them. Needless to say, the cashier was rather surprised. But as we all know, you can't question ANYTHING in the wizarding world. (The authoresses would like to imply a major eye roll at this particular point.)
Next after purchasing an array of button down shirts, pants….leather pants and other "sexy" items as Sirius later dubbed them, he dragged the pair into Madame Malkin's.
"What? I don't need dress robes! I never GO anywhere."
The dog stared at him a moment then blinked twice, wagged its tail and turned in a circle before blinking once more. Remus watched him intently before replying,
"What if I don't want to change it!"
The dog turned in three more circles, blinked twice and barked three times.
"You know nothing about how much ass I get! As you so…elegantly put it."
The dog spun and barked once more.
"You know what? You can go fuck yourself too."
"What the hell- "
The dog barked again, nudged Tonks, growled and blinked again. Remus looked horrified.
"I WILL NOT!"
Tonks continued to look baffled.
"What?" he asked, still seething at his canine friend.
"What in the bloody hell are you doing?"
"Hmm? Oh...that. Right. It's sort of a wonky mix of morse code, telepathy and canine idiocy."
"Wow, I didn't know guys could fashion their general stupidity into a mode of communication…could I learn?"
"No. Boy thing."
"Bah. What is it with boys and their things?"
The dog wagged its tail. And of course, because Sirius is the devious little bitch that he is (pun intended) he had purchased dress robes for the two lovers. A deep navy blue for Remus and…color changing ones for Tonks. BUT they changed fashionably so that they changed to fit her looks and took great pains not to clash. Sirius thought that these would be quite useful.
Yes, Sirius had done a wonderful job selecting and purchasing clothes for Remus. Getting Remus to depart from his old ways was quite another matter.
"I don't care what you think!" Remus shouted in an uncharacteristic passion. "I've had this cardigan for twenty years!"
"Right. Since you were sixteen. All the more reason we should dispose of it," Sirius said patiently, firmly holding one sleeve of the craggy old gray thing. "Come now, Remus, it's had a good long life."
"There's no reason for that life to end. It's a perfectly good piece of clothing!"
"It's got melted chocolate in the pockets."
"But it fits me so well!"
"Moony, it drags down nearly to your knees. And wouldn't you prefer something that didn't smell so moldy? And what about all these moth holes? Don't you find it disturbing that a flying insect has been snacking on your sweater?"
Remus pouted. "No. I like to think that I'm helping to feed the ecosystem."
Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "You are seriously demented, you know that?" Remus shrugged and childishly sat down on the floor, tugging Tonks down with him. Sirius sighed and squatted. "Look, Remus. I know you're sentimental about this ratty old thing and all, and it's very nice that you're trying to save the environment from the bottom up, but wouldn't you feel more comfortable wearing something that actually flattered your fine figure?"
Sirius let a moment pass for his fabulously planned alliteration to sink in, and then moved on the second Remus opened his mouth. "Now, Remus, don't answer that question. It was entirely rhetorical. Just try on the pullover, hmm? There's a hidden pocket. I've already put a chocolate bar in it."
"Fine," Remus muttered.
"Good boy!" Sirius hoisted the party back to its feet and held out a blue button down shirt, a dove gray v-neck sweater, and a much debated pair of leather pants. "Go on!" he prompted, shoving Remus in the direction of the bathroom. "Try them on! We haven't got all day, gorgeous! Not you—" he said abruptly, pulling Tonks back by the nape of the neck. "You wait outside for the end result."
Tonks sputtered. "What am I supposed to do? Sit outside on a chair and twiddle my thumbs?"
"Only one thumb, remember?" Sirius grinned. "And yes, that's exactly what you're going to do." He conjured up two chairs, which set themselves down in the sea of shopping bags, and plopped down. "Sit, darling. This could take a minute."
"This is still completely ridiculous, Sirius," Remus called from the bathroom amidst the sounds of zippers unzipping and buckles snapping apart. (Tonks hungrily pictured the scene, wondering vaguely if she could dash in and hide all the clothes before he could do anything about it.)
"Shut up," Sirius said merrily, leaping up and reaching into another shopping bag. "Here," he said, pushing a tissue papered package in through the crack in the door, "I forgot to give you your new underwear."
Tonks giggled. Remus, from the other side of the door, protested, "I'm not wearing these!"
"Why not? Your old ones will look funny under leather," Sirius said rationally.
"But Sirius, they're made out of silk!"
"So?" Remus poked his head out of the bathroom and whispered something that Tonks couldn't make out. Sirius shoved him back into the bathroom, exasperated. "For God's sake, they're not going to reduce your sperm count!" The door slammed and Sirius leaned back on it, looking irritable. "Men," he seethed.
Tonks stared at him, wide-eyed and highly amused.
Ten or so minutes later, after a marathon of different hairdos adorning Tonks' head, Sirius was beginning to get bored.
"Reems? What are you doing? You aren't trying to flush yourself down the toilet again, are you, because that's the finicky one with the ghoul in it, and—"
"I seem to be having a bit of trouble with the pants…" Remus said evasively. Sirius shot up from his chair.
"Be there in half a sec."
"You're leaving me here ALONE?" Tonks yelped.
Sirius paused. "Nymphie, do you know how to change the size of your vaginal lips?"
Tonks blinked. "Well, I've never tried."
"Well. That should keep you occupied for a while, shouldn't it? Just don't let Kreacher catch you, or he'll set fire to your bed sheets. Have fun!"
Tonks wailed. Sirius squiggled into the bathroom, where Remus was perched on the edge of the tub with unzipped pants and his face in his hands. Sirius sat down next to him. "Having a good time?"
"Sirius, I think you'd better return these clothes," Remus murmured.
"Why? They're in your size, they fit."
"To a certain extent." Remus sighed. "Padfoot, I'm too old for this."
"For what?" Sirius said soothingly. "For having a good time?"
"For running around consistently drunk and wearing pants so tight that you can see what my religion is," Remus answered promptly. "And, let's face it, with my hair, I look old enough to be Tonks' father."
"You're not too old for Tonks," Sirius said firmly. "And it's not legally rape, she's twenty-four, so don't try playing that card again." Remus closed his mouth, looking slightly disappointed.
"I still look old."
"You do not. You look distinguished. Mature. Worldly." Sirius took out his wand and gently prodded Remus' graying streaks, shifting the color to a gleaming silver. "There. That's better. Think of all the sexy men with silver hair. Sean Connery. Cary Grant. Richard Gere. Mmmm…"
"How on earth do you know who those people are?"
"That's not important. What is important," Sirius continued, subtly shortening the sagging length of Remus' hair into a more stylish shape," is that you start feeling less self-conscious."
"I'm not self—"
"Yeah, you really are. That's why you think you're old. You think that just because you haven't gotten laid in six months that you ought to be winding down. You're succeeding in making yourself feel old. Which you aren't."
"Nope. You're just a prat."
"You know," Remus began, a familiar grin beginning to curl back onto his face, "for someone who tossed out all the breakfast cereal and started a diet consisting only of grapefruit—"
"Shut up. I think you're feeling better. Now get up and pull on those pants." Sirius leapt up and dragged Remus to his feet, pausing to admire the slinky black boxers he'd chosen. "Damn, I'm good."
Remus rolled his eyes. "Help me into these things. I'm not sure how to do it, and I've already cut off my circulation twice."
"God, you're such a loser," Sirius scoffed, grabbing the waist of the dreaded leather pants, yanking them up and fastening the buttons in one fluid motion. Remus stared, incredulous.
"How did you do that?"
"Years of practice," Sirius winked. "Now put on that sweater. It's show time."
"Show time," Remus mused. He glanced into the mirror and sighed. "I look ridiculous."
"No, you don't. You look hot." Sirius busily poked his wand around, putting things back in place, tousled Remus' hair, and opened the door. "TA-DA!"
"Good!" Tonks said irritably. "It's about bloody time, you've been in there for—oh my." She dropped her raised finger in mid-tangent. Remus blushed.
"See? This was a bad idea."
Sirius grinned. "I beg to differ. Tell him, Tonks," he said to his gaping cousin.
"You look—you look—wow."
"Doesn't he though?" Sirius said loftily, starting down the hall. "I'm going to go bamboozle someone into making dinner. I'll leave you here to drool for a while; I expect you'll be through within the hour."
Scarcely hearing the smug words floating into her ears and the footsteps trailing away, Tonks continued to stare. Had Remus' legs always been so long and lean? And had his arms always looked that strong? His hair suddenly looked so different, so sleek and touchable and lively, and his eyes—they had always been that beautiful browny-gold, but they had never before been this luminous. He was freshly shaven, too, with only the barest dusting of the blondish stubble that would appear the next morning. On the whole, he still looked like Remus, only younger and healthier and, if it was even possible, sexier. What if, Tonks suddenly thought in horror, Sirius had found a way to alter Remus' ass? Perhaps the hair had needed work, but that part of Remus was too perfect ever to be changed. Instantly, she started to lean back to check, just to make sure that—
"BUGGER!" Tonks squeaked, jumping so high that her hair grazed the grungy ceiling. "What in the bloody hell was that?" she said breathlessly to an overwhelmed and confused Remus.
"Surprise!" Bill said jovially. "How's it hanging, Nymphie?"
"Fuck," she breathed. "You know, you're going to be really sorry when you give me a heart attack."
"You're young. You'll live."
"You're an asshat."
Bill shrugged. "Whatever. Hey, who's the studmuffin? New boyfriend?"
"Studmuffin?" Tonks wrinkled her nose. "Who says studmuffin?"
"I do," Bill said, playfully cuffing her on the back of her pink head. "But really. Who's the hottie?"
"I have to say, Bill, I'm a little insulted," Remus said, amused. Bill slowly looked the "studmuffin" up and down. Realization spread into his freckled face.
"Holy shit. Remus?"
"As you said, surprise," Remus shrugged.
"I know," Remus said, grimacing, "I look really stupid, but it's all Sirius' work, and—"
"Sirius did this? Sirius is a genius! I mean, this is from a totally heterosexual point of view, but you look….yummy."
Remus blanched. "Oh, my God."
Tonks clumsily patted him on the head and dragged a chair over with her foot. "Here, Remus, sit down before you faint." As Remus collapsed into the chair, Sirius strolled across the hallway, Buckbeak reluctantly tracing his steps.
"Oh no. It's the beast." Bill leapt behind Remus' chair, still watching Sirius pass. "Sirius!" he shouted. Sirius looked around, confused. Oh, God, not the phantoms again…. "Behind the chair!"
"Oh. Hi, Bill."
"Awesome job on wolf man!"
"Wolf man?" Remus said, his eyes springing open.
"I know!" Sirius gushed. "He's gorgeous!"
"You're a fucking genius!"
"I know! Thanks, mate! I'm off to direct dinner."
"Why is Buckbeak wearing an apron?" Tonks asked.
"Because he's making dinner, der!" Sirius grinned. "Come on, Bill. This should be quite the show." Bill grumbled something about health insurance and trotted after Sirius.
"There is not a single sane or striaght person in this entire household," Tonks stated once the parade had passed.
"There never was," Remus agreed. "But I've got a bar of chocolate," he compensated, removing it from the hidden pocket in his new, moth-free sweater. "Would you like a piece?"
"Have you ever known me to pass up chocolate?"
Remus chuckled and broke off a chunk of the chocolate bar with a click. "Here you go, Nymphadora."
"Thanks," Tonks said, not even realizing the use of the dreaded 'Nymphadora.' She popped the luscious dark square into her mouth. What a gentleman. She had never once seen him eat chocolate without first offering some to present company. And that silver hair really was quite dashing. Tonks grudgingly decided that that Sirius had done a magnificent job.
"So tell me the truth, Tonks," Remus said after breaking off his own portion of the Honeydukes confection, "the get up really is too young for me, isn't it?"
"No!" Tonks choked through her mouthful of chocolate. "God, no! You look amazing! Young! Vibrant! Sexual! Good enough to eat—I mean," she stuttered, quieting down and blushing a little "—that's a very nice sweater that Sirius picked out for you."
"Mmm," Remus murmured, distracted by his chocolate bar and not quite noticing the hormonal outburst of the girl connected to him. "I do miss my pockets. I don't have much room for Terrence anymore."
"Terrence?" Oh God. He wasn't the sort of man who named his penis. Was he?
"Yes, Terrence. Our tea cloth." Remus reached to the pile of his own clothes and retrieved the ever useful dishtowel. "I don't quite know what we'll do without him."
"I'll take him," Tonks said in relief. "Here, I think I've got a pocket where he can stay. By my knee. No need for room or board, Terry," she said cheerfully, tucking the dishtowel into the left pocket of her cargo pants. "Everything will be all right." She patted the pocket. Remus smiled. "What?"
"You are perhaps the most adorable woman I have ever met, Miss Tonks. Now let's see if we can't rescue Buckbeak from Sirius' pitiful attempts in cooking." Remus rose, pulling Tonks up with him and down the hall. Another slightly discouraged smile tickled his lips.
"I was just thinking," he said matter-of-factly, "how very difficult it's going to be to get these pants off tonight."
Tonks and Terrence absorbed this torrid information. Not only was the man they were connected to a gentleman; he was a sex god.
Much love to all of you! Thanks for reading! Please drop us a line and then go out and do something FABULOUS. It's the summer at last! (Happy Dance!) So while Sirius is busy plotting ways to transform "Stuck on You" to "Suck on You," go out and have a great time and also send good vibes to Laanessness, who is currently trying to manage small children in the cold and remote woods of Maine. We'll be back soon, and I wish you all a perfect sexy summer.