-Several people have asked if I'm going to add some pairings in the ficlets. I don't intend to; this is really more about parodies and fun than about romance.
Besides if I choose a pairing, fans of the other pairings won't be happy, whereas, as things are now, everyone can enjoy the crack without being disturbed by the "yuck, so and so are together" factor.
I know that I drop romantic hints sometimes, but it's really just hints and you can read them any way you want. (For example, Sasuke being disturbed by Naruko-chan's boobs. Does it mean that he doesn't like Naruto? Or that he doesn't like boobs? Or that he just doesn't like Naruto to behave like an idiot? NO ONE KNOWS.)
-I don't intend to bring any other Naruto characters in this crossover -- Itachi and Kisame were just a random idea, and they probably won't pop up again. It's really supposed to be about Team Seven; besides I really don't write the other Genins well enough to feel comfortable writing them in. I tried; it didn't work.
-I use canon names for Sakura's Housemates (found on the Harry Potter Lexicon), but except from Padma, I don't think we've seen them in the books more than a couple of lines each (some even not at all) so the personalities are pretty much pastede on. Oops. ;D
"Say, Sakura, could I borrow your -- well, I'll be damned."
Sakura wiped the foam off her face quickly, tilting her hair back a little to make sure that her shampoo wouldn't get in her eyes, and looked questioningly at Mandy Brocklehurst. Her Housemate was blinking at her over the top of the shower stall door.
"Oh, sorry!" Mandy turned around, laughing a little too loudly. Sakura squirmed nervously and washed the shampoo off as fast as she could.
"Lisa! It's not a dye job after all!"
Sakura's hand slipped as she was turning off the water and she ended up drenched in cold water. She turned the knob too hard to compensate; it snapped off in her hand. She burst out of the stall, wrapping herself in her towel quickly. "What!" She couldn't have understood that right.
"Well, you know, your hair. Unless you also dye your -- you know, down there?"
Giggles erupted from a few stalls, and two girls peeked out over their doors.
Sakura turned red and pulled the towel tighter around her body. "I certainly don't! And -- will you stop gaping? Where's the main faucet-thing, you know -- wait, it would cut off every shower, would it?"
Padma rolled her eyes in amusement and pulled out her wand, pointing it at the broken knob. "Reparo! Seriously, you're such a Muggle sometimes."
Well, damn, there went her diversion.
"Mandy," Su Li intervened, "you seriously lack in observation skills. If she dyed her hair, the water would be tinged pink. It can't be something physical."
"Topical, maybe not; you're right that we would have noticed her applying it -- but it doesn't mean that she hasn't got a potion to drink. That wouldn't have to happen in the shower room."
"Wait -- wait a minute here -- a potion to change my hair color?"
Su, Mandy, Lisa and Padma gave her a strange look. "What's the problem with it?"
"Well, apart from the fact that I'd have to brew it in secret, and it would probably taste nasty... Doesn't that seem -- I don't know -- frivolous to you?"
Lisa coughed. "About that, I'm going to need my book on Love Potions back."
Sakura turned even more red, if that was possible.
"Maybe it's a charm."
"Oh, yes -- or maybe even a transfiguration."
"It's NATURAL, I tell you!"
Lisa waved her down. "Oh, Sakura, we understand that you like the color, and I agree that, while unusual, it does look very pretty on you, but..."
Beside her, Mandy, Su and Padma were still chattering.
"Are you positive that it wasn't... you know?"
"Well, I didn't STARE, but at first glance, there were no visible roots."
"Hm, yes, probably a transfiguration; a charm would only stay attached to the part of the hair that existed when it was cast... And unless she casts it every morning..."
"Well -- no offense, Sakura -- but it can be a pretty delicate spell, and it's obvious that she hasn't had much training in subtle wand manipulations..."
"Oh! Is it a botched spell, Sakura?"
"Is that why you didn't want to tell us? It's alright, really--"
"It's not a botched spell! It's not a spell at all!"
The girls gave her a disappointed, admonishing look and kept throwing more and more arcane possibilities at each other, eventually drafting a few of the other years who had a Muggle background for added possibilities. Sakura groaned, and decided to get dry and dressed since they didn't seem to need her input.
It was surreal. Here she was, in a shower room with four other girls in varying degrees of nudity, and they were debating potions and charms with the seriousness of Interrogation specialists comparing torture methods. Why hadn't she asked the Hat to place her into Hufflepuff? They would have accepted her without question. Grr.
"I've told you it's my natural color!" she wailed a last time, throwing her hands in the hair. She was this close to tearing out a clump and telling them to run it through as many examinations as they wanted.
Su shook her head. "No offense, Sakura, but unless you're a Metamorphmagus, pink isn't a color you can ever be born with. It's genetically impossible."
"Gene-what?" Padma asked.
"Genetic -- Muggle term, basically all the information that's passed down from your parents' bloodlines at conception, through what's present in the gametes -- the father's seed and the mother's egg. The closest you could come to pink would be Weasley-red. Or maybe strawberry-blond... Say, you wouldn't happen to have Weasley blood, would you?"
Oh, they were addressing her again. She paused in the middle of buttoning up her shirt to look at the little group. "Um, no."
"Oh. Because if you had Fred and George in your family, it could account for a lot."
"Well, I don't," she growled out through clenched teeth. No one was listening. The Fred-and-George explanation had thrown them onto another tangent; she huffed and turned away. She had a puddle of icy water to mop up.
The mop and broom finally set aside, she was in the process of packing up her things when the sudden hush made her turn around. The girls were stealing glances at her; Su had a hand over her mouth and Padma seemed somewhat chagrined.
"...Did your parents..." an apologetic wince, "experiment with weird spells... You know, before you were born?"
...Had her pregnant mother been used as a guinea pig for the creation of unnatural hair colors. Huh.
Sakura gave them a stony look and picked up her bag. "... Yes. Yes. That's what happened." Maybe now they would stop mentioning it.
"Oh, poor thing! What kind of spell was it? Does it alter color-changing charms? Because I'm sure we could come up with ways to fix it, if you want--"
Okay, that was enough. Cracking her fingers threateningly, she advanced toward the pack of half-naked girls, eyes flashing in anger.
"I happen to like my hair color EXACTLY the way it is, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Is that a problem for anyone here?"
Mandy looked like she wanted to say something, for a few seconds, and then Sakura's broom snapped in her hands, and Mandy didn't.
Sakura stomped off before she felt too tempted to stab them with the biggest splinters.
Sasuke grunted, glancing down at her from his seat on the tower's parapet, and then turned back to watch over the grounds.
"Does my hair look weird to you?"
Sasuke blinked, and gave her a good long look, disgruntled at being bothered over something so inconsequential. He couldn't see anything out of the ordinary. This wasn't going to turn into one of these classical "I just left the hairdresser and you didn't even notice!" situations, was it? He wanted to say that it looked like it always did, but -- argh. Maybe random sarcasm would sidetrack her.
"...Not compared to Naruto's. He looks like a chick exploded on his head."
"HEY!" Naruto protested from his perch, two battlements away. "You got a problem with my hair, asshole?"
"Not a problem, no. I just find it ridiculous."
"You wanna talk ridiculous, duck-butt?"
The two boys jumped to their feet and predictably started fighting on the parapet. Sakura sighed, and turned to face Kakashi.
"Um, Kakashi-sensei... You've traveled more than us... Do you think my hair color is odd?"
Kakashi stared at his book, as if he was contemplating the likelihood of Sakura believing him if he pretended that he'd been too engrossed in it to hear. Eventually, he shrugged. "For Europe, it's certainly original, though I've seen non-magical people with flashier hair."
He gave Sakura a smile, visible eye curving up, and swept the boys' feet from under them in one kick.
"They just have to accept that our country has more biological variety than they do. Fifty percent of our team has hair colors that are considered unnatural in these parts, after all."
Naruto gave Kakashi a pouty glare and rubbed his smarting butt. "Sensei... For your information, I just think they think you're old."
Kakashi's smile became a little strained. They could tell, even through the mask; his eyebrow was twitching.
"Why don't we vary the patrols; Naruto, Sasuke, you'll circle the grounds from four AM to eight -- don't be late to class."
"But -- that's the same time as breakfast!" Naruto protested, heartbroken.
Kakashi's smile was now downright sadistic. It wasn't the eyebrow this time; it was just the vibes. "It is, isn't it?"
Growling in annoyance, Sasuke kicked Naruto.
"What is it you're saying, Sasuke? You would love to help Hagrid-sensei feed his pets?"
"... No, sensei," Sasuke muttered reluctantly as Naruto snickered under his breath. "Can we get going now? I'd like to train sometime before tomorrow's patrol. Sensei."
Sakura sighed as she followed them across the roofs. Men, all of them. They really didn't have a clue about how she felt. Oh well, maybe they were right, it was just hair.
Perhaps a version of the school robes came with a hood.
"Um... Sakura-chan?" Naruto fell back to her height, scratching his neck embarrassedly. "I don't know 'bout your hair being weird, but, um. It's pretty."
She blushed, stammered, and hesitated between hitting him for hitting on her, and hugging him for being so dorkily, cutely nice.
"So... How did your Housemates figure out it wasn't a dye job anyway?" he added with a huge, hopeful grin. And then waggled his eyebrows.
Hitting him worked just fine, really.
EDIT July 2007: This was never intended as a single fic, nor as a "real" story. Whenever I had a funny crossover idea, I would add a quickly written scene. I haven't felt like writing a new one since April 2006. I know it's popular, and I'm grateful for it, but I don't like Harry Potter that much anymore, and if it's not fun for me, I'm not going to make myself write more anyway. Forced fic is always utter tripe.
Thanks to everyone who gave me a suggestion. Some of them were really good. I regret that my inspiration didn't decide to take them for a spin.
With the release of book 7, I MIGHT be inspired to make a couple more of them, but frankly if I were you, I wouldn't hold my breath. Better for you all to assume that I'm never going to write more, and if you feel like writing your own ideas, feel free. I don't chave a copyright on crossover parody. (just don't use bits from my fics in yours, I WILL bite you.)