Star Wars, Anakin and Padme's Commentary
Star Wars eps 4-6 events are the same, but made kind of exaggerated/funnier, and waaay shorter. What would Padme and Anakin say if they could watch the movies? They will be giving commentary throughout. This is not supposed to be brilliant writing, just for fun.
A.N. I love star wars, I write dramatic fics too, this is just for fun. I love all the characters even though here I brutally make fun of them.
ALSO: Bear with the beginning of this because upon reading it again I noticed that in my opinion it gets better in the middle and end, funnier. If you like the whole thing, then yay!
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars and don't claim to. Let's continue.A New Hope
A massive Imperial Star Destroyer and several Imperial fighters take an exorbitantly long amount of time to capture a tiny Rebel Ship.
Anakin: Why are ships less technologically advanced 20 years in the future?
Leia puts information into R2 right in the middle of an open passageway that everyone can see. Then she gets captured.
Leia: Darth Vader, Only you could be so bold.
Anakin: She's hot.
Padme: That's your daughter!
Anakin: You're pregnant?
Leia: I'm part of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan!
Vader: You are a member of the Rebel Alliance, and a traitor. Take her away!
Anakin: Whoever that guy in black is who's threatening our daughter, I'll kill him.
C-3PO and R2-D2 escape in a pod and the Imperial commander first ignores it because there are 'no life forms.' Vader is smart enough to think that information could be stowed on board, so they follow.
Anakin: Hey those are my droids! How did they get there? No one takes my stuff.
Anakin gets really mad and possessive and force chokes his coffee mug until it breaks.
The droids get captured by fuzzy little Jawas, and are put in this room with a weird alien that looks like a Trash Can and a creepy bug-eyed one. They stop and get set out for sale.
Luke and Owen walk over to buy some droids.
Anakin: Who are they?
Padme: Anakin, that's your son and brother!
Anakin: Oh. Right.
They buy 3PO and R2.
Owen: Luke, clean up the droids before dinner.
Luke: (really whiny) But I was going in to Toshi Station to pick up some power converters!
Anakin: Luke's kind of a dork, why is Leia so much cooler?
Padme: Well you can hardly blame him; I mean Leia's a princess from Alderaan, Luke grew up on Tatooine.
Anakin glares at her.
Padme: I mean… um… just watch the movie.
Leia: (in R2's holo) Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!
Luke: I guess taking this restraining bolt off would be ok, you can't get very far. Even though you have wheels.
Anakin: Obi Wan! I wonder if he's still a Master on Coruscant?
C-3PO: R2 ran away! It's not my fault Sir Luke!
Luke: Let's wait til morning to get him. That way, he can get even farther away!
They go out in the morning.
Luke: That might be our little R2 unit!
Suddenly, Sand People come and hit Luke over the head and throw his stuff around, but they don't take anything. What appears to be a wolf or something scares them off just by making noise. Then comes Obi Wan!
Anakin: I wonder if Ben Kenobi is related to Obi Wan?
Padme: Poor Luke!
Luke: So you know Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Obi-Wan: Well of course I know him. He's me!
Anakin: Why did Obi-Wan age 40 years in 20 years?
Padme: Maybe he ages double or something.
Anakin: Only Sith Lords can do that, when they use Sith lightning. They age like 300 years.
Padme: How do you know that?
Anakin: Um, I don't, not at all, don't know any Sith.
Obi-Wan: I seem to have found the message!
Leia: (on the holo) You fought with my father in the clone wars!
Anakin: Yeah! We rocked, too.
Obi-Wan: Well, we better help her.
Luke: Oh by the way, you would know, what happened to my father?
Obi-Wan: A Young Jedi named Darth Vader betrayed and murdered your father.
Anakin and Padme: Gasp!
Anakin: That's that guy in black! I'll kill him before he kills me, I swear!
Padme: -hugs Anakin-
Obi Wan: Here's your father's light saber. You have to be a Jedi.
Luke: But I live here!
They go to the Jawas. They're all dead.
Obi Wan: Your family's going to be dead too, there's nothing you can do, you better come with me.
Luke: Yep. I want to be a Jedi, like my father before me.
Anakin: Well, not quite like me.
Padme: -rolls her eyes- Get over yourself.
They go to Mos Eisley. Obi wan mind tricks the storm troopers.
Luke: (Not at all catching on) Wow, we're lucky we got out of that, I thought we were dead.
Obi Wan: Right. Let's go into this bar.
Bartender: Get rid of that annoying droid God dammit.
Luke: Go outside and wait, alone, even though you are the droids the Emperor is looking for and the Storm Troopers are everywhere. We'll stay in here, both of us.
C-3PO: Of course Master Luke, I heartily agree with every word you say.
R2: Beep boop. (Translation: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.)
The droids leave.
Someone to Luke: He doesn't like you, neither do I.
Obi-Wan kills him with his light saber. Everyone stops bothering them.
Anakin: Yeah Obi-Wan! Yeah! No one can touch the Jedi, that's right.
Padme: -rolls her eyes-
Obi-Wan: So you'll help us?
Obi-Wan: Luke, this is Chewbacca, first mate on a ship that might suit us.
They meet Han, and Han's really smug.
Obi-Wan: No Imperial entanglements.
Han: What, some kind of local trouble? Cuz I have really, really important trouble that's not local. And Oh, I need a lot of money.
Obi-Wan: Of course. 17,000.
Luke: (pouting) I could buy my own ship for that much (Han starts to talk) and fly it.
Luke and Obi-Wan go to get ready. Han kills a bounty hunter. They run to the platform. A creepy guy with aviator goggles and a long nose makes funny noises into a com-link. Storm Troopers who outnumber them shoot at them but miss every time and Han manages to kill a handful even though he's one guy and has no armor on. The Millenium Falcon ('this is a piece of junk' Luke pouts) escapes.
Anakin: I don't like this Han guy. He's sketchy.
Padme: He seems perfectly charming to me!
Imperial: Damn! They got away, we needed those droids. Let's wait for an hour of the movie to do anything about it, because they went into hyperspace. We know how to do that, too, but we won't.
Inside the Imperial meeting:
Important Guy: We rule all, no one can touch us!
Other Important Guy: Don't be so sure.
Vader and Moff Tarkin enter.
Important Guy: Ultimate Power!
Vader: No, the Force is better. Let me show you as I strangle you through the air.
Important Guy: gag!
Moff Tarkin: Vader, release him, you've got to stop this or we'll have no one left.
Vader: As you Wish.
Important Guy: So um, we should kill Leia?
Tarkin: Let's ruin her planet first, and she'll tell us stuff. Then we can kill her.
Padme: Oh No!
Anakin: I'm going to hunt that guy down before he can kill me and my daughter.
Padme: No we have to finish watching!
Anakin: Ok, after.
Tarkin: She'll never consciously betray the Republic!
Leia: I'll never consciously betray the Republic!
Tarkin: So we're going to blow up your planet.
Leia: Oh No! Dantooine, it sounds like Tatooine but its not! And that's where they are!
Tarkin: Aw, but I really wanted to destroy Alderaan! We'll do it anyway.
Vader Makes her Watch.
Back to the Falcon. Luke is practicing with his light saber. He gets hit a lot of times with little blasts from the training orb thing.
Han: Ha, ha. I told you the Force is fake.
Anakin: I knew I didn't like that guy! Although, Luke does kind of suck. But yay that he wants to be like me!
Padme: He just started learning!
Anakin: I know.
Obi-Wan: Ahh! (He clutches his heart)
Luke: Did a bunch of people just die?
Obi-Wan: No, heartburn.
A minute goes by.
Obi-Wan: AHHHH! Now a bunch of people just died!
Han: Alderaan's gone! Help, I lost control of the ship! That 'small moon' is sucking us in! ahh!
Obi-Wan: (Really dramatic) That's no moon. It's a space station.
Han: Quick, let's smuggle ourselves in.
They get sucked in.
Vader: Go search the ship!
Every single guard leaves except for two, leaving the ship virtually unguarded. They hear blaster fire inside the ship, but willingly get on board when a mysterious voice asks them for help, now leaving the ship totally unguarded and getting killed. Luke and Han walk out as Storm Troopers, but Chewie, the droids, and Obi-Wan still are not disguised, but somehow they fool everyone and take over a little control room.
Obi-Wan: I'm going. You stay here.
Han: Aww, man!
Luke: The Princess is here! Let's go get her. We'll leave the droid carrying the rebellions only copy of the battle station plans right here, alone with this other droid. We'll put handcuffs on the wookie.
Han: Aw man!
Han: Ok! Come on Chewie.
They walk into the cellblocks, and kill everyone inside. Luke goes in to Leia's cell.
Leia: Aren't you a little short for a Storm Trooper?
Luke: Huh? Oh, the uniform. I'm Luke Skywalker; I'm here to rescue you.
Han: I just go the attention of the whole station!
Leia: Everyone sucks but me. I have to do everything. Into the garbage shoot!
Chewie: -smells something bad-
Padme: Only Leia can ever do anything right!
Anakin: Obi-Wan! He will save them!
Luke gets sucked under by a weird creature. Then the creature goes away, because the walls are going to close in.
Han: Help, we'll all be pancakes!
Leia climbs up on to a metal pole.
Leia: This will help!
Luke: 3PO! 3PO! HELP US HELP HELP!
C3PO: We did it! Oh no they're dying!
Leia, Luke, Han: Yay! We're alive!
Leia hugs everyone.
Leia: Wait, I'm not supposed to be nice. Let's go, and get this big walking carpet out of my way.
Chewie: Rawwwr! (Translation: Hey, I'm a living creature with feelings and a passion for poetry, ok?)
Padme: That was close!
Anakin: (Turning back around, eating cheetos) What?
Imperial: Nothing on Dantooine!
Tarkin: She's far too trusty.
Imperial: Alert in Cell Block AA23!
Tarkin: The princess! All troops get them!
Tons of Storm Troopers chase Luke, Leia, Chewie, and Han. They all get separated, and yet the Imperial troops can't manage to kill two people at a time even though they severely outnumber them. Han turns around to chase about 20 Storm Troopers, and they all turn and run away from him even though He's one person with one gun and they are 20 people with 20 guns.
Luke: Let's swing across because they're coming through!
Leia: (kisses his cheek) Good luck!
Anakin: Do they know they're siblings?
Anakin: This could get disturbing.
Padme: Let's put that thought far into the back of our brains for now.
Obi-Wan sneaks around and turns some knobs on some completely unguarded and unprotected pieces of equipment. This shuts the Death Star force field down completely. No one seems to care.
Luke and Leia meet up again with Han and Chewie.
Luke: 3PO! We're right above you.
Vader and Obi-Wan Face off.
Anakin: Yeah! Rock on! Now Obi-Wan can show that son-of-a-Sith what's up! He shouldn't mess with the Jedi. Sweet!
Padme: Why are you talking like that?
Anakin: I don't know.
After approximately two clashes of their light sabers, Obi Wan decides it is better for Luke to see him killed, and stops fighting.
Vader: I am the master!
He kills Obi-Wan, and Obi-Wan disappears.
Vader paws around with his foot, as if Obi-Wan's body is hiding under there.
Anakin: Wow, Obi-Wan used to be a lot better at fighting.
Everyone else runs on to the ship, as Luke stands there stupidly, yelling and alerting every storm trooper to their presence.
'Run, Luke, Run' comes Obi Wan's voice.
Anakin: Creepy. (He sips his coke).
Back on the ship, Leia rubs Luke's shoulder and puts a cloak over him. Luke's really sad about 'Ben's' death.
Padme: I really hope they find out they're related soon.
Luke and Han have to fight off some Tie Fighters.
Luke: Yay! I killed one, I did it! Wheee!
Han: Great, kid, don't get cocky!
Leia: Well, that's the pot calling the kettle black.
They kill them all and escape, and all run into the cockpit. Leia jumps around stupidly.
Leia: We did it! (She hugs Chewie, then regains her composure).
Han flirts with Leia.
Anakin: Oh no. Not him
Han: You think a princess, and a guy like me…
Luke: No. (Secret though: she's mine)
Anakin: You tell 'im Luke!
They meet the Rebels at the base.
General: We're going to attack the Death Star, using the information Princess Lee-a got from R2.
Leia: It's Leia dammit.
Dorky Pilot: Two fighters against a Star Destroyer (Said really slowly and weirdly)
Luke: We can do it! I've killed Womp Rats!
Wedge: Sweet (Secret Thought: Why was I friends with him again?)
Han: I'm leaving with my money.
Luke: I really thought you'd stay. (Gives Han his best really mean glare)
Leia: Dammit the only hot guy around is leaving.
Guy: Want a new droid?
Luke: No, This little R2 Unit and I have been through a lot together.
Guy: Um, ok. It's a machine, man.
Luke: Yay, I'm going up in space!
Leia: I'm really frustrated with everyone.
Anakin: I wonder if Luke's as good a pilot as me. I won a Pod Race when I was nine.
Anakin: Well, I did!
Padme: You don't have to compete with your own son.
Anakin: Shut up. I mean, I love you.
Back on the Imperial Base, they are preparing to shoot the Rebel Base on Yavin with the Death Star's weapon. Everyone's really angry because a group that consisted of four people and a wookie managed to cause complete chaos on the Death Star that is the size of a moon.
Computer: Rebel base will be in range in 30 minutes.
The numbers count down from 30 in seconds instead of minutes. The person at the computer terminal looks around hoping that no one sees this, and tries to cover it up.
Imperial: General Tarkin, there is a risk with these rebels coming. They could hurt us. Shall I prepare your ship?
Tarkin: What, evacuate, in our moment of triumph? Never! (Cackles meanly)
Imperial: All right, well I'm out of here.
The Rebel ships fly up and start attacking. Now the Rebel Base is in the Death Star's range in 8 minutes, even though it says 19 seconds. There are about 30 rebel ships, and a whole fleet of Imperials. Still, Rebels are killing Imperials like crazy and managing to stay alive. A Rebel pilot is hit. "I'm hit!" He yells, crashing into the Death Star. The Death star is jolted and Imperials begin a really dramatic falling act even though any normal person could have stood up through a slight tremor in the ground. They fall into the walls.
Back on Yavin, Leia and some other people are watching a screen with yellow and red triangles. The red keeps getting bigger. We assume this has something to do with the Death Star approaching.
Anakin and Padme: -Making out-
Padme: Maybe we should pay attention.
Anakin: Luke will handle it, no worries. Wait, there's the dude who kills me!
Vader: I'm going out to fight! Come with me!
Guys in Black suits with breathing tubes: Right!
Vader, seeming to have lost most of the skills Anakin had, manages to do next to nothing. He kills one guy, and also manages to notice that 'the Force is strong with this one.' Otherwise, he's useless.
'Use the Force Luke!' says Obi Wan's voice.
Luke goes in for the 'kill' and, looking really serious, puts his little targeting computer away.
Anakin: That so creeps me out.
Guy on Rebel Base (who's name I should know): Luke, you've put away your targeting computer. Are you all right?
Luke: Yes, I'm a Jedi, duh.
Yoda: (From Dagobah) Not until dealt with me you have, hahahaha.
Vader shoots at Luke and takes out R2, but the ship still flies. Suddenly, just when we think our hero is doomed, a blast hits Vader's ship and he goes flying off into space, twirling around!
Vader: I'm like a ballerina! Wheee!
Han: Yeah! Now the princess will definitely sleep with me. I mean, Yeehaaa!
Anakin: Damn him!
Luke gets to the end of the ravine and shoots. The shots go in, and Luke gulps really loudly, because apparently he's been holding his breath this whole time.
Han: Nice shot kid, that was one in a million!
The Death Star Explodes in what (in the Special Edition) looks like a mushroom cloud.
Rebel Base: Yaaaaaay!
Luke and Han land, and Leia comes and nuzzles herself between them, but we can't see her because she's ten feet shorter. They walk away.
Anakin: Hey, he's touching Leia!
Padme: So's Luke!
Padme: They're just happy!
Anakin: Let's just hope she and Han don't 'get happier'
Padme: (Hitting him) Anakin!
R2 gets taken off; he's all busted up.
C-3PO: Oh no!
Guy: We'll fix him, jeez!
Suddenly, we see a hall full of hundreds of Rebels that apparently didn't exist until this moment, seeing as we only saw a handful of X-Wings up there and about two people on the base during the fight. Leia, back in full princess attire, smiles at everyone.
Luke and Han walk in, all smug, and everyone turns and stomps as they walk by.
Leia gives them medals. Her nostrils flare and she winks really 'slyly' at Han. Chewie growls, and everyone knows all will be well when R2 walks out fully functional again.
'Yaaaay!' Everyone cheers, Han and Luke think it's for them but really it's for R2.
Padme: Anakin, wake up, it's over!
Anakin: Oh, um, it was awesome! Yeah kids! So um, when were you going to tell me you're pregnant?
Padme: Um… I'm pregnant.
Anakin: Sweet. And do we yet have any idea why our children aren't living with us, because they'd be way cooler if we raised them. Especially Luke.
Padme: Nope, I guess we'll find out in the next one.
Anakin: There's more?
Padme: Yes and our children are the stars so you will enjoy it. I"m so proud of them, yay!
Anakin: Ok, whatever you say.
The End! Love it, Hate it, let me know! This was just for fun, not trying to have made anything great or anything, definitely not great writing, I'm totally aware. Check out No Boundaries, my other fic (not advertising or anything) its romance/drama, better written, actually a good story and stuff.