Author: Stephanie (Gildedmuse)
Rating: PG-13 for language and attempts at boyish banter
Pairings: Sirius/Remus, James/Lily
Summary: A series in four parts about the talks between Peter, James, Lily, Remus, and Sirius and how teenage boys should never be left to work things like crushes out by themselves.

Mr. Prongs and His Incredibly Subtle Hints to a Very Oblivious Sirius Black

"You know you're a giant poofer when," James is saying. He's not looking at Sirius when he's saying it. He's staring at the fireplace, accusing the bricks and not Sirius. He's staring so that no one can blame him, not even Lily with the venomous look she is sending his way. 'Be nice,' she always tells him. 'to everyone'. Now she just shakes her head and walks away, wondering if everything she says goes in one ear and out the other.

Why can James remember all her free periods and passwords for abandoned corridors and not the saying 'Treat others as you would like to be treated?'

James remembers the aphorism, but he really doesn't think about it. His currant indictments against his best friend are much more important.

"You know you're a giant poofer when the last time you talked to a girl it was to ask where to find a guy."

"When you push Cathrine Kyto out of the way because her breast were blocking your view of a boy."

"The whole 'girls are icky' phase doesn't go away after third year."

"When you spend more time with your arms around a guy's neck than under a girl's skirt.

"When your dream date involves a full moon."

"When your friends has to kick you under the potion's table to stop your staring at another boy's backside."

"When you have to change alone because the other boys in the dorms give you a hard on."

"The word pussy makes you think of cats, which make you think of dogs, which makes you think of him."

Sirius is looking at James who still isn't looking at him. He doesn't get it. "What the hell are you on about, mate?"

James sighs. He runs a hand through his hair. He fidgets in his heavy robes. He finally turns to stare at Sirius, or just above Sirius's right ear.

Sirius stares back and waits for James to say something.

"The last time you had a date with a girl it involved turning her pumpkin juice into sewage."

"You have spent every visit to Hogsmeade ever with your best mates."

"Him saying 'come here' turns you on more than all my TopWitch magazines. Even the ones with Fayette Gannog."

"You find excuses to dig through your male friend's pockets."

"You whisper 'Remus' whenever you jerk off at night."

James wanted to smile, but decided the matter was much to grave to do so. He can't help that the grave look he's been wearing for the last ten minutes lightens up, because he thinks he's finally managed to get his point across with that one.

The smile, however not smug James tries to make it looks, sets off something in Sirius. "Did you get a hold of Snape's diary or something?" He asked. "If that little wanker-"

"Oh for Merlin's sake!" James tossed his arms up in the air as a sign of defeat. The Gryffindors relaxing in the common room all turned to look at the Headboy and seem to make the group decision that now would be the best time to go to their dorms or dinner or anywhere where there was less of a chance of them getting their eye's cursed onto their bottoms.

James isn't paying attention to these people. "Bugger this. You," He points at Sirius, the only person in the room he cares about at this moment, with the exception of Lily who he always cares about in what he has been told is a rather endearing if not all together healthy and sane manner. "Are the wanker."

Sirius thought this was an unfair assessment considering he hadn't the slightest idea what James was going on about, and he told James so. "Really? At least I'm not the one obsessed with being a poof."

James rolled his eyes. He twists his hands together. This restrains him from punching Sirius's face in. "The point, oh genius one, is that yes, yes you are. A poof, I mean. Not a genius."

And that was that.