"Edward!"

"Here!"

"Alphonse!"

"Here!"

"Winry!"

"Present, ma'am!"

"Roy!"

"Wha - oh…um, HERE!"

"…Hughes!"

"Here!"

"Kain!"

"Fury, ma'am. Present!"

"Liza!"

"Here!"

"Jean!"

"I go by Havoc." the blond replied sullenly, taking the lollipop out of his mouth long enough to say it.

Roy raised his hand and immediately shouted at the top of his lungs. "LIZA'S PRETENNING TO SHOOT ME!" he wailed, pointing at the girl sitting next to him.

Liza's reply was to kick him in the shin and yell "bang!" as loud as Liza-ly possible.

Their teacher sighed. This is going to be a looong year, she decided, mentally kicking herself for accepting the job as she continued calling the roll. "Envy…what kind of a name is that?"

"Present." the boy named Envy grinned. "Gluttony ate my crayons."

Gluttony smiled with a blank look on his face and took a large bite out of someone's notebook. The owner of the notebook screamed, stood up, and brought her backpack down on Gluttony's head.

"Lust, we don't hit people. Calm down." the teacher interrupted, taking the bag from the dark-haired girl. "Why don't you sit over there?"

"I don't wanna sit next to Armstrong!" Lust complained. "Make Gluttony move there instead!"

"You be quiet, you whiny person." Roy said, turning around and glaring at the three.

"Shut up or I'll make Gluttony eat you, you skirt-chaser, you…dummy!" Lust shot back, throwing a box of crayons at Roy. He ducked and hurled his set of paints right back at her, drenching the teacher.

Liza pulled her water gun out of its holster and pointed it at Lust. "Take it back, you…you…evil person! Nobody insults Roy without dire consequences!"

"What's 'dire' mean?" Havoc asked, yanking his water gun out as well. "Fury, back me up!"

"With what?" Fury demanded. He, too, held the apparent weapon of choice. "I can't back you up if you're behind me!"

"Sure you can, just shove him over." Envy said, laughing.

Three water guns sprayed him with red food coloring, leaving two blood-like trails running down his forehead and one spreading just above his heart. The teacher screamed. "Did you really hit him? Envy, are you all right?"

"I'm fine." Envy smirked. "It's funny, wittle bitty Roy has to have his bodyguards defend him from a girl."

With a terrific yell, Roy jumped on him. Liza pretended to reload her gun, took aim, and got Envy straight in the eye, which was a remarkable shot for a four-year-old trying to hit one of a pair of brawling boys. Hughes threw toy daggers at Greed and Lust as they tried to gang up on Roy, while Fury and Havoc took potshots at everyone else within range.

The teacher yelled something about time-out for everyone. A few minutes later, the culprits (in other words, everyone but Armstrong and the Elric boys) were sitting in chairs facing the wall.

"This is all your fault." Roy muttered darkly at Envy.