That little glitch!
"Gears, you're too cynical!" he said.
I had plenty to say to that! "Bumblebee, you're too stupid!" was my first retort, followed by "If you knew HALF what I knew, you wouldn't even be saying that! You'd be-"
"-I'd be dried-up and miserable!" The kid was wrong. He'd be WISER.
You have to forgive me for not thinking this is going to work out. I've seen it happen too many times. I've lived on this planet – sorry, CYBERTRON, not this planet – too many eons to think that maybe the next time around will be any different. Ratchet said once that "What separates us from traans and the droids is that when we see something NOT work, we don't keep doing it out of program loop habit."
Ratchet was a total bore on the plate, by the way. He said "None of the weird stuff" so we did nothing, because he didn't tell me what was 'weird' to him and I freaked out and did NOTHING. Big mistake. Nobody came around for a very long time.
Yeah, yeah, I got to be THAT kind of morale booster. Nobody was mean to me, since I wasn't considered a pleasure-bot. If I didn't like you, you didn't get in. I wasn't doing it for money.
But it did hurt. When they would say nice things until they got what they wanted and then tell me to call in a couple of weeks… that hurt. When they pretended that they were into me but really just wanted a newer model of me…that hurt. When I wanted them to try harder and they wouldn't, to the point where I feared for my sanity because I was doing all the work and they got to treat me like crap because they weren't Bot enough to just end it…that hurt a lot. Or if it was just a slag relationship but it was the realest feeling I'd had for anyone ever but they thought in breaking up that they were doing me a favor….that was the worst.
You'd think they'd know better, but who was there to teach them otherwise?
This set-up is way easier. I know YOU want the bonding, build a kid or two, love forever, but Bumblebee, it doesn't always work out that way. And you have to be ready for when it doesn't. You have to understand that the ones who DID get it – and got it so easily they assume we all can get it – are not going to understand or sympathize with you. You have to see the pattern and adapt.
I see you know, little young Autobot, and your dreams are so far-fetched you'll have to forgive me for being cynical.
Last night the least cynical bot of them all came into my chambers. "Gears, I can't sleep," he began. As he always does. "Just hold me." That always leads to the kissing and the other things. Am I supposed to be optimistic that he might change this pattern? The onus of hurt would be on me, instead.
"Gears, I hate being so lonely," he sighed.
Last week, the least lonely Autobot came to me, angry. He wanted to take his rage out on someone. When it got too rough I threw him out, hissing and spitting his rage and blame. He hadn't done that in a very long time, but the chance was there. Was it cynical of me to have my blaster on hand, just in case?
Two months ago a very tired Autobot came to me and broke all the rules. "I love you, Gears." He didn't mean it. He wanted to have someone to say it to, and I'd seen him say it to others and alienate them the next week. Sure enough, the next day, he pretended I didn't exist. Is it cynical to refuse to believe him?
So forgive me if I don't accept your energon goodies and your offers of G-rated fun and long-term companionship. Don't call it a "good thing you're missing out on because you're so cynical." These aren't tears of bitterness; they're regret that anything good that comes at me will only be turned into something to hurt me later, because I'm prepared.
That little glitch…..