Author's Notes: Psh. Because I'm all about the Josh/Donna angst.
Beta'd by Opalish who is now in COLLEGE. Woot, woot. –goes and buys paraphernalia- My next update will be humor-ful. We promises.
And sometimes it feels like her world is collapsing, tumbling, crashing to the ground around her and she tries so hard to hold onto something but there's nothing there to gold on to, only air and wind and the cold, cold grass.
Do you love Josh?
And it's an easy question with a simple answer, but the air is lodged in her throat and she's choking on the words; she tries to speak but her lips won't cooperate and her eyes can't seem to tear themselves from the page.
But she can't think, can't speak, can't breathe because Amy's here and Amy's his and it's so easy to picture them together because they latch into place just right, like two puzzle pieces with edges that fit to make a picture.
You do, don't you.
It's not a question now and she knows it so there's no use in denying;; she's so sick of dancing around him and pretending to be happy that he has Amy and just once in her life she wants to reach out and hold him and tell him that she loves him and she needs him and oh, God please don't look at me like that because it's killing me.
Oh, Donna…you can't – the two of you – why didn't you say – ?
She knows it's just a dream, an impossible, unfeasible, impractical dream and Josh hates things that he can't explain, he hates chance and circumstance and fate because fate has done nothing but screw around with him. But she can't stop her heart from aching, hurting, screaming for him every night as she curls into a ball in her too-big bed that's seen too many tears.
Say something, honey. You're so quiet.
And everything is coming to head, rushing towards her so fast but she can't move, can't sidestep it and there's nothing so terrifying as the fact that maybe she doesn't want to. She remembers a black gown and hair in ringlets and his eyes so bright…his lips forming heavenly words and her heart lifted her mouth from its frown but she stayed away because that's what she's trained herself to do.
Donna, you're scaring me.
She has to run has to get out of this office and this building that smells of Josh and tastes of Josh and he's everywhere, everywhere no matter where she is because he's in her and he'll always be. And all she wants is one day of heaven but knows that he won't give it to her because he can't and it makes her love him more.
And she loves him so much that it hurts and maybe she isn't strong enough to handle it on her own.
Oh, Donna … don't cry.