AN: This was actually supposed to be a sort of companion piece to "Bored"… but it's not. Hah. I started this a very, very long time ago, but I just never finished it. So now it's part of my Ficathon! Unbetaed!
I'm not sure how many of you have been to a gas station, but a lot of them have mini-mart things where they sell soda, chips, cigarettes, etc., etc. If you've never been to one of these, you might not get the entire humor of the situation.
This has a bit of silliness… but I've had a hard first week back at school, and silliness does us all good once and a while. We've got a soft spot for it. Quick! What episode is that from!
Season: Takes place during "The One at the Beach". So, third season finale.
Don't own them!
To the Foo Fighters! (Yes, I've listened to their album 'In your honor'. Turned out my bro had their CD. I haven't heard 'Everlong' yet, though. If you don't know why I'm saying this, then ignore this note… if you do know why I'm saying this, then you know a heck of a lot more than me) And thanks to certain person (you know who you are), I am now officially addicted! To Foo, that is.
"TOW The Car Trip"
"So, who's driving?" Rachel asked, adjusting her enormous hat.
"Me!" Phoebe shouted, opening the door and hopping into the taxi, "I'm so excited! Come on, get in!"
The other five looked nervously at each other- Phoebe wasn't exactly a skilled driver.
"I call shotgun!" Ross yelled, and jumped into the other side, "Looks like you four losers will have to fit in the backseat."
Monica made a face at her brother and Chandler shrugged, "OK, Joey on the end, me in the middle, and Rachel on the other side."
Monica turned to him, "What about me?"
"You can sit on my lap," he said sweetly. Both she and Rachel hit him over the head. Joey sniggered and only stopped when he received a fierce look from Chandler.
"Come on, children, I want to go!" Phoebe shrieked. Joey got into the car, holding his luggage- a paper bag. Chandler got in next and Monica followed, reluctantly sitting on his lap.
"Holy crap, how much do you weigh!" he exclaimed. She glared at him and he added, "I mean…I can barely feel it! How much do you weigh, 90…pounds…?"
While Chandler and Monica bickered, Rachel was having trouble with her hat. She was trying to enter the taxi, but the hat wouldn't fit, "Stupid…hat!" she muttered.
"But aren't hats in style?" Joey said, and the other four laughed. Rachel, however, tore off the hat and dove into the car, attempting to hit Joey with it. It was Monica who got a smack in her left eye.
"OW!" she yelled, and jumped back. Chandler's eyes widened and he grimaced in pain.
"I think you hurt his thing, Mon," Phoebe said brightly. Monica and Chandler both glared at her and she turned back to the wheel, humming 'Smelly Cat'.
"So immature," Ross said haughtily.
"Oh, shut up, just because you're not stuck in the backseat with a giant hat threatening to attack you doesn't mean you're so cool," Chandler snapped as Rachel closed the door, still looking daggers at Joey.
And with a lurch, the taxi started.
"I gotta go pee, Pheebs."
"Thanks for sharing, Joe," Chandler grumbled.
"I really, really gotta go," Joey whined.
"I'm waiting for the next exit, then you can go."
"Could it not be a gas station? They have really disgusting bathrooms…"
"Says the man who clogs the toilet every other day," Chandler muttered, and Joey shot him a dirty look. After a pause, Chandler added, "I've got to buy some painkillers, if you don't mind… Monica's elbow is crushing a number of places."
Monica rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, "You should have said something if it was bothering you that much."
"Oh, no, I didn't want to bother you, honey, if you were comfortable-"
"Can't exactly call this-"
"Oh my god, will you two SHUT UP!" Rachel snapped, whipping her hat off her face, where it had laid, blocking the sun. "Some people are trying to sleep, and it's impossible when you all keep yapping!"
"We're not 'yapping'!" Chandler said defensively, turning to Rachel.
"Shut up, or else you're going to wake up Ross!" Phoebe warned, and glanced at the snoozing Ross, whose mouth was half-open. "And then we're going to have to hear the story of how the dinosaurs went extinct again."
"Oh, please, Ross never wakes up… one time while we were dating, this guy in the apartment next to him had this huge dog that barked non-stop, and still Ross slept… and snored…" Rachel muttered, placing the hat back on her head as she leaned back and closed her eyes.
"Hey, Pheebs, you just passed a McDonald's! Why can't we go there!" Joey moaned as the taxi zipped past the fast food restaurant.
"Joseph Francis Tribbiani, do you know how many millions of cows are killed each day by that horrendous food chain!" Phoebe snapped back, and then turned, pulling into a Shell gas station, "You can go here."
He made a face, "Uhg…"
The taxi crashed to a halt and Joey immediately jumped out of the vehicle, running towards the building. Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Monica also got out, slamming their doors shut. And still, Ross slept.
"Do you think we should wake him up?" Chandler asked Rachel.
"No, do you really want to hear about how great Bonnie is?" she said irritably, and brushed past him, walking quicker to catch up with Phoebe.
"She's still so in love with him," Monica said with a grin as she walked around the car. Chandler nodded in agreement as they walked into the gas station's mini-mart.
"I just don't see how Ross doesn't get it."
"Ross doesn't get what?" came a voice from behind.
They turned around to face Ross, and Chandler quickly picked up something off the counter and sputtered, "We- we were just talking about… about how you don't get how they can sell these babies ten percent off!"
"Those are condoms, dude, of course they can sell them ten percent off. They sell themselves," Ross said seriously, a little confused.
Chandler glanced at the box and threw it back onto the counter, "Yes, well… um…" He turned to the cashier, a dirty man with a scruffy beard and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. Chandler's mouth watered as he saw the cigarette and he whispered, "Can I have a puff?"
"Chandler!" Monica groaned, and grabbed his by his left arm, dragging him away from the smirking cashier.
Monica ignored his comment and picked up a pack of Diet Coke, shoving it into his arms, "Here."
He was a little confused, "Why?"
"Because I'm going to want to soda," she said shortly, and then preceded to hand him a bag of chips and bottle of whipped cream.
"Do I want to know what the whipped cream is for?" he asked with a grin.
She turned to him and answered crossly, "If you really must know, I would buy ice cream, but it would melt. So, the whipped cream will take its place."
"Now, see, I understand that. I'm understanding person," Chandler said as Monica scrutinized the back of a box of crackers. "I'm understanding, and I'm funny, and smart, and damned cute, if I do say so myself-"
"Why don't you just hand me a résumé?" Monica interrupted, handing him the crackers.
"Alright, then I will! And then maybe you'll see that it wouldn't be so bad to date The Chandler!"
Monica snorted, "The very fact that you call yourself that proves that it would be bad."
Chandler was about to answer back when Joey came around the aisle, "Hey, this bathroom wasn't actually that bad! They had this really cool wallpaper- it was kind of furry and greenish-blue! It was covering all the walls!"
Monica's eyes widened and she gasped for breath as she gripped Chandler's arm for support, "That's not wallpaper, Joey, that's mold! Oh my god… an entire room covered in mold… I think I'm going to faint…"
"There you guys are! We were looking for you!" Rachel said exasperatedly as she saw Joey, Chandler, and a frightened-looking Monica. She, Phoebe, and Ross were walking towards them.
"What's the whipped cream for, Chandler?" Rachel asked, her smile rather evil.
"It's not mine, it's Monica's."
"Yes, because that answers my question," she said, rolling her eyes.
Monica took her groceries from Chandler's arms, her face pale. With a grin back at Joey, he steered her in the direction of the cashier. Phoebe turned to Rachel, who was glaring at an unsuspecting Ross, "Hey, Rachel?"
"What?" Rachel snapped as Ross picked up a pack of crackers in curiosity.
"Do you think that my mom's best friend will know why she killed herself?"
"That's actually incorrect grammar, Pheebs," Ross suddenly said, placing down the crackers.
"Oh, sure, that you notice," Rachel muttered angrily, stomping away towards Monica and Chandler, leaving Ross with a bewildered expression on his face. With a sigh, Joey and Phoebe tugged Ross to the front of the mini-mart.
"… comes to eight twenty-four," the cashier said, handing Chandler the bag of groceries as Monica dug through her purse for money.
"I've only got seven fifty in cash," she sighed, handing the cashier the bills.
"Here, I'll get the rest," Chandler offered, reaching for his wallet. She smiled gratefully at him until he feigned realization, "Oh, shoot, but I'm not your boyfriend!"
A flush crept up Monica's neck as the man behind the counter raised his eyebrows and waved the money in the air, "Still need seventy-four cents."
Ross handed him a dollar. "Here, keep the change."
After the man snatched the dollar out of his hand, the six trudged out of the store; immediately, Monica rounded on Chandler, "It's so embarrassing knowing you!"
"Oh, really," he said dryly, shifting the bag of food to his other arm, "Is the embarrassment of knowing me just as bad as the hurt of being turned down by every woman?"
Monica snorted and snatched her groceries away from him, "You have not been turned down by every woman!"
"Then who do you know who would go out with me!"
Monica stared at him for a moment, apparently thinking quickly; then, she spun around to face Rachel, who was leaning against the taxi, watching their argument with amused expression as Phoebe unlocked the doors.
"Rachel would!" Monica sputtered out and Phoebe checked her watch.
"What? No I w-w-w… Of course I would, Chandler! I'd go out with you!" Rachel quickly amended, looking daggers at Monica for putting her on the spot. Ross climbed into the shotgun seat and Phoebe began to tap her foot.
"Hey, hey, hey," Joey interrupted, waving his arms in-between the two girls and Chandler, "This problem has a very simple solution... Chandler, go ask out that girl over there."
He pointed across the parking lot to a woman with a long braid and a Harley Davinson leather jacket. She stood next to a huge motorcycle. Chandler looked at the woman and then back to Joey, holding back laughter, "Ask her out? She looks like a guy with that beer gut."
Joey patted him on the shoulder, "There you are. You're too picky about women."
"What? I'm not-"
"JUST GET IN THE CAB!" Phoebe suddenly shouted. Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel turned to face her in confusion.
"Look, I'm already nervous about meeting my mom's best friend, and you're all annoying me so much!"
"I'm not," Ross interjected from inside the taxi.
"Well, now you are!" Phoebe snapped, and turned back to the other four, "Okay. Chandler, Monica would never date you because you're her friend, and, let's face it, you're Chandler."
"Also, it's not just Monica, me and Rachel wouldn't go out with you either."
"But Rachel said-"
"I lied," Rachel said quietly, avoiding Chandler's eyes and touching the hair on the back of her head.
"I can't believe this!" Chandler exclaimed huffily. "What's so bad about me?"
"We're not getting into that now! Get in the cab, or I'm driving off without you!" Phoebe threatened dangerously, and entered the driver's seat, slamming the door shot and starting the engine. The car began to move and Chandler quickly opened the door, Joey, Monica, and Rachel climbing in after him.
"Oh noo…" Rachel moaned as she looked out the window, the enormous hat resting on her lap.
"What?" Ross asked sleepily, his eyes closed as they drove along the highway.
"It's starting to rain…" she complained, looking extremely bummed out as the rain began to pelt against the windowpane.
"Looks like it's doing more than that," Joey muttered as a crack of thunder rumbled overhead and a flash of lightening came out of nowhere.
"A thunderstorm! This is going to be the worse beach vacation ever…"
I've had half of that lying around forever, so I figured I should just finish it… what better time than a Ficathon? Review please and/or listen to the Beatles (it makes the world better!).